I miss you Lia

The wait used to be about this idea of who my child was. The idea of being a mommy.
Now it is about missing my Lia Tsz-Huei. I cry often. I cry daily. I am sorry for being so weak. I am just missing my little innocent daughter. I am so tired of feeling that way. I know there is a lesson here. I belive there is that in every challenge in our life. I know it's about motherhood and about being strong. But, this is tough guys. Really tough. I miss you Lia Tsz-Huei Rose. I miss your little laugh, your squeal, your soft hair on my face. Your little hand in mine. We only spent a week together, it was a lifetime for me. I miss you baby. Mama will be there soon.

Hope and Love

That's how Pacey's mommy Jocelyn describes. The look on Lia's face now. She is right. Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock. This little hopeful love-bug needs us. Tick tock ...tick tock!

Optimistic

For someone who has felt beat up lately, I feel incredibly optimistic. I truly believe we will know some good news soon! And check this out. Tonight Lia was wearing the same dress she was wearing in her referral picture. This time with a much different look on her face.

Then




Now

The cutest kid in the world

I am so blessed to be able to see my baby a few times a week. It has really helped us build our relationship. I noticed when we were with her in Taiwan, when she is really happy she squeals! Like really loud. This morning Nanny rang me and said "do you want to talk to Lia? " Of course!!! So, Lia comes on the webcam and starts squealing...really really loud. And giggling and counting in English to 11 and singing Happy Birthday! Then she pulls Nanny's glasses off of her face and puts them on..and screams MOMMY!!! She was imitating me!!! The cutest thing ever!!! MOMMMY MOMMY!! I love you so much I can't stand it! Here's a screen shot.

Enough tears

I am sitting on the computer after taking a beautiful walk this morning. I cried. I cried for Lia. I cried that I can't be there for her. This is the most painful time I have ever gone through. I am trying to remain positive but when one has been in the process for over three years it almost gets hard to believe. I am so glad my blog is private. I am sick of myself being so negative and dont' want the world at large to have any access to these feelings. I'm so sorry I am so negative. I slept in Lia's bed last night. I was in my room and I swear to you I heard the word's "Mommy, come sleep with me please." Oh why do I have to pretend? All my life I have been the one to imagine what things would be like. I am tired of imagining. I just want to hold her. I miss that little one. Lia-Rose is a real person now. Not a figment of my imagination, but a real child, who deserves and needs her mommy. I'm sorry sweetheart. I'd be there if I could. I just can't right now.

Dear g-d,

Please.

Thank you.

Wendi

Thank you Nanny

If you read below you can tell that we are really sad and anxious. But a few hours after I wrote that Nanny and I had a webchat. My Lia is growing up and is so sweet and perfect. Honey, we will be there soon. (I am Dashish)


dashish@aol says: Is Lia doing o'k? Is she asking any questions?

Lia 慈惠 says:
She is very glad when she saw her granddad and grandmama that day

dashish@aol.com says:
oh!! so sweet!
they are in love with her!

Lia 慈惠 says:
She is very naughty

dashish@aol.com says:
what is she doing?

Lia 慈惠 says:
which floor is Lia's room

dashish@aol.com says:
Lia is on the second floor. Right next to our bedroom
Her bedroom is so beautiful

Lia 慈惠 says:
Maybe you should be more aware of the window

dashish@aol.com says:
...the window is high..she won't be able to reach it.
does she like to look out windows?

Lia 慈惠 says:
She might get a chair to climb to the window

dashish@aol.com says:
i will make certain she can't.

Lia 慈惠 says:
That's how she do here to get any thing high

dashish@aol.com says:
ok..i'll watch that.
my little niece does the same thing

Lia 慈惠 says:
she is curious about many things now

dashish@aol.com says:
that is good...

Lia 慈惠 says:
she tries to discover everything she feels interesting

dashish@aol.com says:
we want her to be curious but cautious
this poor kid has never had such love before.
your family has been amazing
i think when kids feel comfortable they become more curious

Lia 慈惠 says:
I thing you will love her more than we do ^^

dashish@aol.com says:
we are her mommy and daddy

Lia 慈惠 says:
Lia is not afraid of strangers

dashish@aol.com says:
which is not always a good thing.
We have her enrolled in a pre-school
it's a great school with lots of fun things for her to do and learn.
we also have many friends with kid her age
several who were adopted as well.

Lia 慈惠 says:
She seems more interesting in boys and sometimes when people give her candies she will do things people asker to do
such as a hug or kissing because she is not afraid of strangers

dashish@aol.com says:
She is a little flirt already!

Lia 慈惠 says:
Ha! Maybe that's because all girls in our family. She has less chance to interact with male

dashish@aol.com says:
So funny.
Does she tell people she is coming to USA?

Lia 慈惠 says:
she always sing a song that she is flying to USA

dashish@aol.com says:
oh..so sweet

Lia 慈惠 says:
And she often mentions that she will go to USA to visit dady, mommy, granddad, grandmoma, her sister....., all the day and also her uncle she just reminds me

dashish@aol.com says:
oh...
i hope she realizes that it's more then a visit
so cute

Lia 慈惠 says:
I think she realizes that she is going to stay there rather than a visit

dashish@aol.com says:
well, i'm sure she doesn't even realize what this all means...how could she
she will be happy. we will make sure of it.

Lia 慈惠 says:
We are also happy she can find such good family and this might make her life totally different

dashish@aol.com says:
she deserves it
she is making our lives so special
you are blessings from god.
we know we are blessed that lia is living with you.

Lia 慈惠 says:
we are happy to have her accompany too

dashish@aol.com says:
she is a special little girl

Lia 慈惠 says:
If you have any problem when taking care Lia, you always welcome to contact us
dashish@aol.com says:
thank you so much
one thing is i want to know what sort of foods she likes to eat
of course food here is a little different and we want to make sure we are feeding her foods she likes

Lia 慈惠 says:
She loves the food all kids love, such as cookies, candies...
But she seems have no prefernce in normal food

dashish@aol.com says:
she woudn't drink milk with us, we noticed that.
she also ate cereal with chopsticks and giggled about it.

Lia 慈惠 says:
that's right. she doesn't milk

dashish@aol.com says:
our milk is very different here. she might like it better.

Lia 慈惠 says:
flavored milk might be better

dashish@aol.com says:
yes. and maybe milkshakes
that have icecream in them

Lia 慈惠 says:
She loves icecream
But she often gets cold

dashish@aol.com says:
we laugh because in many of the pictures you send us she has food in her hands

Lia 慈惠 says:
it's a little late. we should get Lia to her bed

dashish@aol.com says:
definetly. i didn't realize she was up
thank you for chatting. it made me feel good

An update

Finally learned yesterday why decree is really being held up. Apparently, the Judge wanted a form filled out and notarized with some information in Taiwan. Has nothing to do with us, but with reasons for Lia's circumstances there. They have been working on acquiring the paperwork and it looks like that will be wrapped up soon. Then it could be another month. Or two. This sucks.

I'm angry for so many reasons. It is not worth putting them out here. I'm tired of talk and promises. I just want her already.

I was upset with my faciliator because when she referred to my daughter and the circumstances she called her by he Chinese name. Not Lia. It just bothered me. She said the exit paper work is done so once the decree does in fact finally arrive, it will be a quick exit.

How hard is this? It's very hard. It's harder then you can imagine. I know that we are lucky, beyond blessed that we see her everyweek and have met her. That also makes it harder...LIA WE MISS YOU. This is not just about an adoption coming to completion. This hurts so much because we miss YOU little girl.

I dreamt all night about you. I hadn't for a few weeks. I was protecting myself from feeling. But, I feel you. I love you. I want you here sweetie so bad. This really hurts.

Nada

I got nothing for you. I feel stuck. In limbo. This is frigging crazy. Not fair. I am done feeling sorry for myself. COME ON NOW I AM PISSED OFF.

That felt better.

Final paperwork

Last week I was told that we needed to get some additional paperwork authenticated for exit. I have to say, it was painless, and thank you to the wonderful Director at TECO ...he authenticated in about an hour and we walked out with it today. Tomorrow we take to our facilitator. Hopefully this is a good sign. Hey, I have to think positive!!!

Please

When you want something so bad the thought of it not having just shakes you from the inside out. When apart of you is missing, you ache from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes. You get scared. You get frustrated easily. You eat too much. You cry at the drop of a hat. I feel like such a drag. Like such a negative "kvetch". But, this is how I feel. I don't feel confident. I hate that. But, I do know it's because this is the most important thing that has ever happened to me. It has been years of trying. Trying to become a first time mommy. Five years ago we started with some fertility treatments. I had surgeries, tests, dreams. I then gave up on the dream until I realized I couldn't. It wouldn't matter how Lia came to us. She would come the way she was meant to come to us. We started the adoption process three and a half years ago. Meetings, phonecalls, running around, paperwork, dreams, hopes, longing. It went on and on. And then the call, the opportunity that changed our life. The trip I only dreamed of. The face that I cry myself to sleep to. I want my baby. Now, it's a piece of paper that we wait for. Again, we are waiting. And waiting. It hurts now more then ever. Please. I'm ready for this to be over and for my life to begin with my daughter.

I love you Lia Tsz-Huei Rose.

Numbness

The past few days I have been down. Really angry and sad. Then I think to myself, why should I be so lucky? There are hundreds and thousands of people trying to have a baby...waiting for their adoption to go through. Why should I Wendi be so lucky to have my child. I don't deserve it more then anyone else. Then the numbness takes over and I just don't feel anymore.

But quite frankly, this adoption is really about Lia. She deserves to be loved, to be celebrated, to be cared for. I will take myself out of my prayers and just pray for her. For that is what matters. Dear God, this little girl has been placed in our care. We have our hearts wide open, our arms truly spread wide....we are ready to bring her home. Please see that this process continue swiftly and painlessly. Lia deserves her forever family. We are here for her. Please please.

I just need an outlet

It's funny. I wasn't going to post how I feel. I mean express it to the general world. But I really need to. It's not quite the world, just this blog. And so few people have been reading it, it doesn't matter. I just need to get this off my chest. I am completely drained and depressed. First off, there is nothing worse then being told something is going to happen "anyday" and everynight you put the phone by your bed and you wake up all night going on line to see if you got the message. I finally found out yesterday...they can't say "anyday" now. Just have patience. This might not even be complete in April. Secondly, when you think all your paperwork and running around is done...ha ha...joke's on you. Again, I have to get some documents authenticated. At least this is for the American Embassay for exit, but still. I feel like someone is playing with my heart and emotions I am very very angry. My period is 14 days late...no chance on being pregnant...it's just stress...so my hormones are out of control. I am depressed. Anxious. Feeling really horrible. I am also extremely exhausted and burnt out. I want to feel better...to feel optimistic. Right now I don't.

A great idea

Hear me oh hear me great old Universe. Today, March 24, 2009 will be the very last time I post a "when will this happen" post on this blog. My next post here on out will contain all the fantastic information about our travel, bringing Ms. LTHR home and all that life will be when she is here. I am so freaking tired of this WAIT. ENOUGH. It's over...the days of wondering when are completed UNIVERSE. Lia is coming home NOW.

I am thinking postively and am ready to put this in motion and in action. Looking forward to finally saying the words....it is done!

Four weeks today

So the hearing was four weeks today. We are really in the homestretch here.
1. The couple right before us got their final decree this week.
2. I was told that the Orphanage Director has been in touch with the courts daily to push the decree through.
3. Lia's Nanny was told by my Orphanage Director to go get her passport picture taken.
4. Girls, I know we are really almost there. I am so excited.

She is really growing

Just received some recent photos from Taiwan. My baby is growing. I bought her those pants. When she wore them in November they were just touching her sneakers. Now, they are almost to her ankles. I love this photo. The bag in her hand is a big bag of Animal Crackers I had sent her. Her hair is also getting really long. I WANT MY BABY. Soon...it's happening very very soon. Oy vey!

The room is almost done!

Check it out! So proud and I love it!

http://sharing.theflip.com/session/cb1c35028e4056f9af7945743df6a27a/video/3436500



Also, here is a picture of our webchat tonight. The excel spread sheet you see how's a list of almost 100 chinese words that I have learned.

Final stages of labor?

From my neck to my feet I hurt. Every bone aches. My back is killing me. I sleep at night and wake up in pain. I carry alot around with me everyday...laptops, projectors, boxes filled with stuff for my workshops. I know that I lift to much at times. I think between that and my general state of anxiety right now, I'm knocked out. Really in pain.

It hurts more at the end. Right before you get to your goal. The final lap around the track. The final mile in a marathon. As you get closer, you know it's real and you know it's almost over, and you are just not quite there yet. It hurts. You push, you push, you just want to exhale but you aren't quite there yet. That is how I feel this morning. So almost there, but just not quite. And it does hurt. It's almost over. I can breathe soon. The watched pot doesn't boil. I need to stop thinking of this, but how can I? Soon soon. In the meantime, I'll take a tylenol and try to relax.

Thank you

My sister throw a beautiful shower for me on Sunday. I'll post some photos later. Thank you so much Lori. It was so perfect. It felt surreal and Lia-Rose got some beauitful gifts. Thanks to my parents as well for helping out. It was all overwhelming.

The furniture arrives tomorrow. The closet is filling up. I'm so anxious to get this decree that I feel sad. Lori said it best, I've been so used to waiting that sometimes it's hard for this to feel real.

I spoke to Dina my faciliator on Friday. She said, "anyday now!" My stomach is in nuts.

It will be here this week!!!! I am putting that out to the Universe. Here comes that decree!!!

Connection

Is this not both sad and amazing. But truly joyful. Lia's nanny wrote me and said that "Lia cried last night because she misses her mommy and daddy." It broke my heart yet filled me with joy to know that she knows us and misses us as much as we miss her. I will never ever not be there for you Lia. I'm so sorry that the distance and the judge is keeping me away from you. We will be together soon my baby. Soon.

Please decree

Dear decree, won't you come for me? I wait so anxiously. I love little Lia Tsz-Huei!

This is supposed to rhymne...so pronounce her name as Lia Tsz-HEEEE

But seriously...getting anxious, what else new? Soon...very very soon.

Pink and Brown

We painted the room today. Suddenly my little guest room is now a "Big Girl" room for LTHR! Here are the colors...I love it! Next week the furniture!




I am finally "nesting" and it feels great!

Looks like this is really happening!

1. D told me that travel should be first or second week in April (four more weeks!)
2. Got final bill from agency "since travel is getting very close, the orphange donation is due at this time."
3. Webchatted with LTHR and she has a cough. I am panicking that something is wrong -a mother's worries!


OMG !!!

Happy 1/2 Birthday Lia Tsz-Huei Rose

I completely am the worst mother. I forgot that it's my daughter's half-birthday today. She is three and 1/2. We saw her photo about 18 days before she turned three.
I've known you for just over six months my sweetheart. I love you more and more each and everyday. I have such vivid dreams about you. I love them because every single night I am with you.

Tonight Lia sang the ABC's to me with her Nanny on the webcam.It's unreal. I love how she said "o". She was screaming and laughing. She was in a particularly great mood tonight which in fact is Friday morning in Taiwan.

I told everyone at work. It's public now and everyone is so excited for me. As some of you know my office is based in my home with the corporate office being in Boston. They are so supportive of what I am doing. I am truly blessed.

D, my facilator, said we should get final decree anyday now. There is a 10 day waitign period, so theortically we are in that period until early next week. Let's see what happens next week.

In the meantime, we kick ass, work hard and prepare. Our baby is coming.

Designing woman

Lia's bedroom is coming together.
Furniture ordered-beautiful white twin bed, really nice high dresser and a night table. Also in the room is a maple chest that I have to keep. I changed the knobs to white, although,I might change them back. The colors of the room are going to be Mocha brown (one wall) and the three others will be light chiffon pink. Base boards and doors painted white! I love it. I worked with a decorator friend of mine who found this cherry blossom pattern that we are looking to have drapes made. My sister planted the cherry blossom theme in my head and it stuck. The floors are dark wood and I'll get a pretty pink rug. Lia also has a nice size closet walk in closet with half of it now being set up for toys. The girl's room will be nicer then mine when it is all said and done..but she deserves it! It really is so much fun doing this!!! I was scared of this part..I never felt adequate in the decorating department, but it will be so pretty!

She knows

I had the chance to have a surprise webchat with Lia tonight. I saw her online and sent a message. Her fantastic Nanny called me back and I saw my baby. First off, she is gorgeous. Truly. And I'm not just saying that. But, it was like she knew. She knew that I wasn't some lady who screams "I love you" in chinese to her. She knew that I really am her mommy. I felt it. I felt different. She was screaming at the top of her lungs...MOMMY and laughing about it. She also screamed LIA MOMMY. She is now really and truly Lia. The name fits her so well too. She is the Lia-Rose we have been dreaming about for three years. Although I have been dreaming about her for my whole life. This little being that truly completes me. I never knew what that meant. To feel complete. I dare say that I feel it now. SHe is the part of my heart that has been missing. IT's a love that truly feels natural. That truly feels as if it has been a part of me my whole life. I do everything now for her. For her life to be happy. It's about her. She knows. She knows.

Amazing

Last night I typed out two posts. One about my labor pains. I hit publish and my phone rang. It was the word...the good word. About 8p last night as I lay in bed I was overcome with a sense of peacefulness. I felt totally for a few minutes completly at peace and completely complete. The moment passed and I felt it again. I do believe that was truly the universe telling me all was going to be o'k. That I was going to Lia's mother...that I was Lia's mother. It was amazing and it hit me this morning the true enormity of that sign. I bought Lia's bedroom set today. It's beautiful. Painting starts in two weeks. I am going to start shopping. I won't feel completely relieved until she is in my arms...but for now, we are really really close!

We got her!!!! Final decree issued with in a few weeks!!! It's happening!!!!

Labor pains

From what a hear, a woman right before birth goes into labor and it hurts like hell. Perhaps that would explain the massive headache and all that came with it today. I feel so sick it's not funny. I was telling D my facilator this and we laughed...I'm definetly in labor. And hopefully when all is said and done, I'll forget the pain today and of the last three years and embrace my daughter. She was definetly worth the wait. She is the most amazing little girl I have ever met. Right now, exactly right now, there is a court-room filled with people who are on our side. Lia, if you are reading this, your biological daddy came to court. To tell the judge how sorry he was that he was not able to give you the life you deserve. He is telling the judge that he believes we are the right family...the forever family you deserve. There is a social worker there telling the judge that too. There was a lot of paperwork that legally needs to be done. It is complete, stamped, certified and sealed with love. Lia, right now in Taiwan, Ms. Kuo is telling the judge how much we love you ...and that will never ever change. Hopefully we will have final approval very soon. In the meantime, my labor pains continue. I am having a baby and she is YOU Lia Tsz-Huei Rose. I love you. Your daddy loves you. It is time. It is time.

This is the part

I hate. I am so nervous. We are just a few days away. Is it normal to feel nervous and completely lose confidence? Is it normal to feel that you are not good enough for this child? Is it normal to want to eat everything in sight? Is it normal to want to divorce and then remarry your husband? Ugh.

So we wait. Friday is the second hearing. Then a few weeks later final decree. Lia's hair is now past her shoulders. She is almost three and a half. She needs her mama.

Her mama and papa need her.

I CAN"T WAIT TO HAVE HER HOME!

Taking it slowly and ready to not

I've posted this many times before, but I will continue to do again. I was following someone else's blog...pretty exactly where we are in the Taiwanese adoption process...between the first and second hearings. She is having showers, the room is completely done, people are sending her gifts. I feel like a slouch. NO...I AM NOT ASKING FOR LOTS OF GIFTS...DON'T SEND..NOT AT ALL. But, that whole Jewish philosophy of not jinxing anything by bringing a lot in the house is definitely rearing its' head. I just can't do it. Joe too. We agree, we don't buy the furniture till after the 20th, we don't shop, we don't paint. Until the second hearing. I know you might think we are crazy. Everything is basically picked out. Everything is getting in order. But no showers, not gifts, not a thing. It will come...in a big way.

Banana

We webchatted with Lia tonight. She looked gorgeous. Her Nanny gave her a handful of flashcards ( I am pretty sure I bought them for her...in fact, I know I did, I think) anyway...they were pictures and then had the English word on it. She held up a picture of a Banana and simply shouted "Banana"! How smart is my daughter? xoox

Done!

Ok, the weekend escapade is behind us. Paperwork is complete!
Then guess what...second court date: Feb 20th! Hello!!!
Secondly, they believe we will have final final final by March 20th.
Thirdly, I may be going to Taiwan in early April..can someone say best birthday ever!
Fingers crossed....thank you dear god!

My goals for this week

I webchatted with my baby tonight. I have been learning Chinese so I was able to say to her (I think) "I am Mommy"; "You are Lia"; "I love you"; "How are you." and "Doggie"....baby babble for sure, but at least I could communicate.

Anyway, after Saturday's drama....I am now rebooting and taking some control back. That little girl sits there and waits for her mommy and daddy.I am going to make that happen....come on now!

This week I will make sure that everything gets sent to Taiwan. That's it. We just need to the paperwork to leave this country and get to the Judge's office. I will pick up the authenticated Chinese homestudy tomorrow, they will have completed it, I will overnight to my faciliator and she will send to Taiwan. That is it!

I am going to make this happen....whatever I can do...I am going to see that it happens.

Awfulness

I should have know when my Chinese paperwork went through so easily for my original submission to China that this Taiwan process would turn into a headache. Unreal..it's too hard to explain and I'm exhausted...but in the past two and half hours I optimistically was dropped off in front of the Taiwanese Embassy on 42nd...said to my husband..I'll be right out..ended up in the most stressful two hours of my life trying to explain to officials why I needed my document authenticated and why it was o'k because I was just there...put my facilitator on the phone with them who basically guilt-ed them into doing me a favor..cried in front of them...ran outside like a maniac to get $100 to pay them...saw that my husband got a parking ticket for $115.00...am sweating shaking and hopeful that on Monday I can pick these papers up and we can finally send back to Taiwan. It's just awful that Lia's life is now on hold because of paperwork. I know it's the law and the system...but it's just too much. I pushed, I cried, I aggressively but nicely made it work..but it shouldn't' be this hard....

Words to live by

I am strong, I have patience, I am strong, I have patienceI am strong, I have patience, I am strong, I have patience
I am strong, I have patience, I am strong, I have patienceI am strong, I have patience, I am strong, I have patience
I am strong, I have patience, I am strong, I have patience
I am strong, I have patience, I am strong, I have patience
I am strong, I have patience, I am strong, I have patience

We started this adoption journey exactly three years ago.
It's time.

Dear Lia,

I truly hope one day you will get the chance to read this blog and this entry.

I started this blog almost three years ago as way to both document our journey to you and connect with others who were going through this process. I met so many friends and spent lots of hours reading and following the stories of others.
Right before we got your referral I decided to make my blog private. I had started a new job which was going to give me more exposure on line and I felt like this was just a bit to close for comfort. I felt uncomfortable that those outside of the adoption community and my friends might just stumble on my very very personal words.
Then, once we got your photo and we knew right away that you were Lia-Rose , it was even more important to me that this blog remain private. This is your story and one day you can decide if you want this to be public or not. I have a few folks who read me often and I know are checking in. They love us and love you Lia-Rose and are all here because they support us so. One day when you know your full story and we put all the pieces together you can decide who you want to share this with. I just want you to know how much I respect your privacy and your story.

But right now, at this very moment , know that I love you. That we are BLESSED to have you as our daughter. Lia Tsz-Huei Rose, you move me to be great. To be the best person I can be. You are my favorite person in the whole world. Yes, that's true. You are my love. I'm your biggest fan and supporter and this Mama can't wait to really get to know you...I know we will have our fights and arguments as you grow up...but that's o'k. I fought with my mommmy and I know that my mommy is my best friend. She will be there no matter what. And guess what...so will your mommy. I'll always be there kiddo.

So on this date, January 27, 2009, we are hopefully just a few weeks/months away from bringing you here ...remember this...you were loved before we met you, you were born in our hearts, you are our Lia-Rose. You are everything..and we love you, forever and ever and ever.

Love you always,

Your Mama

More paperwork

It's just funny now..I need another set of papers authenticated...which means..nothing gets sent until...it should be done by end of week...and this point I know exactly what to do..and I will just do it....

LOL

Shin Neon Kau Li

Happy Chinese New Year. My baby is away with her foster family visting their family on the Eastern Side of the Taiwan. I hope she feels happy and has fun and enjoys the customs of her country. We will try to continue many of these traditions when she comes home.

I am trying to stay positive. Yesterday had a long talk with my faciliator and she told me about a few hiccups along the way. She said, all will be fine, but that there might be a small delay. I rather not post why, or even talk about it. I just pray because my daughter needs to be in a stable situtation....and begin her forever life sooner rather then later. This little girl is alone in this world. Yes, she has her foster family and god bless them...but her mommy and daddy aren't with her, and needs us as much as we need her.

I get so angry at times. I haven't been myself....I'm elated and overjoyed to know my daughter....but everyday I feel like it's something else. One day your are on the top of the world...feeling positive and seeing and end in sight. The next day your bubble is just popped and you fall asleep early to avoid thinking about it, yet find yourself dreaming about unexplainable things.

Three years ago we started on this adoption journey. Three years ago. My daughter is 3 and 1/2 almost. It's just time to bring this child home...it took us awhile to find you Lia Tsz-Huei....the Universe guided us to you....it's just time to bring you home.

So this Chinese New Year while everything is closed down in Taiwan...I hope all those involved with our case get good rest and good health. There's alot to do when the holiday is over. Lots of work to do.

New paperwork

Ran around
Got up early
First in line
Nice people helping
A few tears
Paperwork done....!!!
Yep, will be mailed back to Taiwan just in time for Judge when she gets back from holiday break for Chinese New Year!

DONE!

More paperwork

The judge now has asked us for more notarization on some paperwork we have already submitted. God bless my faciliator, but we told her this from the beginning. Now I'll be scrambling to get this done befor Chinese New Year. Oh well.

I saw my baby last night. She is so beautiful. She ran out of the room to bring in the doggie we bought her...of course a stuffed toy. She loves it...it's a little Molly...her "go go " here. I'll run around the world for her...running in and out of the city to notararies is the least I can do. Thanks Susan for your help! And Chris too!!!

Anyway..on MLK Day today this phrase really pops "I have a dream that my children will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." Amen. May Lia Tsz-Huei Rose always have the same opportunities as everyone else....

A letter to the Judge

During the hearing the Judge questioned our originally Homestudy that stated we were intereted in adopting a child up to 18 months of age. Remember, this was three years ago. I was three years younger. And how funny, that child would now be five years old..but regardless...we updated our Homestudy and it was indicated that we wanted to adopt a child up to 4 years of age. Guess what, the courts never saw that addendum so questioned whether or not we would be disappointed with Lia because she was three. Can you imagine!!!! I am pissed off because it was a careless error from someone ...not sure who..but whatever...anyway, it should be an easy fiz( poo poo-that's Jewish for no jinxes)...but I wrote this letter that I want the judge to read. Regardless, of whether or not she does...it did feel good to write it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To whom it may concern,

First and foremost my husband Joe and I thank you for taking time to consider our petition to adopt Tsz-Huei , who will hope to officially name Lia Tsz-Huei Rose.
We know that your job is a very serious one, especially in the case of adoption. We have been informed that you had questions as to why in our original Homestudy completed in 2006 we stated we wanted a younger child, yet now want an older child. I thought perhaps the best answers would come from me.

We started our adoption journey three years ago this month. We requested a younger child in our original homestudy because that was the average age of the babies in the program we had put our original application in. Additionally, many of our friends had children that age, and we thought it would be fun for them to grow up together. The months went by and we waited for our child. We both realized that age or sex or nationality meant no difference to us. We wanted to parent. To create our family.

And then, we saw her. This beautiful little girl. I fell to the floor in tears when I saw her face the first time. I just knew she was my daughter. I felt an immediate connection. Meeting her and spending a week with her in November and the bond we are creating through bi-weekly web-chats only intensives our love for this little girl.

We couldn't be more happy. Yes, it does sadden us to have missed out on the first few years of her life. We wish we could have been with her every second of her life. But, our life together starts at this point in all of our lives. Tsz-Huei is everything we could imagine our child to be. Her personality matches ours in so many ways. She is funny, bright, beautiful inside and out.She fits so well in our families!
Dear Judge, Tsz-Huei is our dream come true. Please know that this is not about just adopting a child for us. This is about making Tsz-Huei our daughter.

There was an addendum to our home study completed in October 2008 which indicates our request for a child up to four years of age from Taiwan, along with our social workers indicating their approval of this in our homestudy. We hope that this official documentation along with my explanation will help answer your concerns. Please know, we are grateful to you and your country for everything you have done for us as well as for Tsz-Huei.

And finally, although some women have their babies biologically and their child grows inside of them, Tsz-Huei was conceived from love and our love for her grows deeply inside of both of our hearts and souls.

Thank you very much.

Best regards,

Wendi and Joe Carroll

Not so fast

So, it's not happening this time. Note, Taiwan is generally a two hearing place. The judge goes through the paperwork, and if there are questions they are raised during the first hearing. So there were questions...and fortunetly, they aren't really "about " us...they were a few administrative things that the Judge didn't like how they were handled. I have to let my frustration go. Can't be angry. The judge is doing HER job. Which is good that she is a she, I was concerned that she would rule against us because I was a working mother...anyway...as my facilator said...in the scheme of things "this is not that big of a deal" and will be handled easily. It still hurts.

I just turned on the computer today after signing off this morning....which would have been 10:30pm on Friday night (after the hearing)...Lia's nanny sent me a note...it simply said "Lia loves Mommy." It was exactly what I needed to hear.

Tick tock

New word yet. Been up pretty much all night long. I am by myself and this is not easy. I wish I was next to Joe right now. I go from periods of total confidence to moments of such dispair. I need to remain calm....but this is hard. I just to this little inspirational email ....very appropriate.

What you want, Wendi, has no bearing on whether or not you'll get it. None. Nada. Zippo.

It's only ever a question of whether or not you can behave as if you already have it.

I got you, babe -
The Universe

Thank you

It's happening now...or very soon. Not sure I can sleep....thank you for you love and support. The rest is in god's hands.

Message I sent to Taiwan

Tomorrow is the day. Right now my Power of Attorney (Ms. K) is probably getting ready for bed and thinking about tomorrow. I just sent her htis message through my D my facilitator....

"We wish you the best of luck in court tomorrow. Let the judge know that we love Lia Tsz-Huei Rose as much as if she shared our blood. Lia Tsz-Huei Rose was born from our hearts. We are planning to give her a safe, peaceful, happy, adventure filled life. Our wish for her would be to grow up and be happy and to accomplish as many dreams that dare dream. We can't wait to bring her home. She is in every thought and in every breath we take. We love her and feel honored to have this opportunity to call this beautiful child our own. THank you Ms. K for allowing us this chance. You are amazing and we would never ever be able to thank you enough. "

Wendi and Joe


Please think good thoughts for us and for all of those waiting to bring their

Just checking in

I am in Boston this week on a business trip. All week. Not sure if it's good timing or bad. I suppose it's good. I am so busy during the day that I can't worry...all day. I also can't stare at Lia's pictures or watch her videos. But, I need to continue to stay busy and postive and feel like her mama....I AM HER MOMMY.
Just a few more days till court hearing....then...we aren't sure...but a huge huge huge huge huge moment!

Today also is the 7th anniversary of when Joe and I met....wow. Love you Giggle!

A nice surprise

We are so lucky that Lia is in a wonderful Foster Family. They treat her as if she was their own. She is having lots of great adventures. Last week they went on a little family trip (they are doing so for Chinese New Year as well) I opened my email today and found some photos from the trip. Here are a few!

The fruit basket in one of the pictures is a gift we sent the Nanny for the Holidays.
It's cute, she is wearing a sweater we got for a gift from our friends Paul and Denise under her coat. They really wrap them up there!

To my jewish friends

Only because I think you will understand this neurosis more...:)
I read other blogs of folks who have referrals of their Tawinese children around the same time as us..they are just waiting on courtdates...all of them are shopping and decorating and getting ready. Me..I start then stop. I am tooo paranoid. That old "ken-a-hera" ....am I crazy. I decided that once next weeks' hearing is completed we will know where we are with everything...either we go to a second hearing(which I suspect) or we get judge's green light...and it will be just a few weeks more...I have bed picked out...we are finalizing colors...and well, as far as clothes go...once we get final green light..I know that I can hit a Gap for Kids and other places and get loaded up on clothes ....I think toys will be the same thing...I had bought her a ton of stuff tht is in Taiwan with her and I send her toys everyother week......so I think she is o'k....but am I crazy. I wish I felt more secure...but again, it's the old jewish thing...don't do anything till baby is born. Any thoughts????

Real honesty here

I am scared, petrified, feel weak in my knees, am questioning practically everything in life, making excuses, finding it hard to sleep, arguing with my husband, looking at my life and thinking that it is not good enough ....bottom line....next week is the court date and these weird feelings are manifesting...I'm just plain old nervous that something will go wrong...my gut says she is my daughter...my heart says it loud and clear....but why should I be so lucky to become her mother. Why me...? Isn't there someone better? A better mother? A better father? Why is this the right life for her? I hate these feelings. I admit it. I'm weak..I'm scared. A few days a go some good friends got some bad news. They didn't deserve that. Do we deserve this. I know I'm nuts. I know I sound crazy. It's just that...well it's just that...I so deeply love Lia Tsz-Huei Rose. I love being her mommy. And it doesn't feel real. I am so scared something will go wrong. I am such a believer in the power of attraction in our lives....yet this negativity is seeping through. I just want this week to fly by. But, then I don't ....I'm so anxious. On Sunday I leave for a business trip...I won't even be with Joe when we get the news....awful. STOP being so negative. Stop it Wendi now. This self talk isn't working. I look at her picture and cry. I want my daughter. I want my Lia-Rose. I love you baby...I am your mommy.

Lia Tsz-Huei Rose Carroll

Well that's it. We filled out the Naming Agreement today....to be prepared when all is final....her name now is and will be Lia Tsz-Huei Rose Carroll. It's long, but beautiful. I think eventually that Tsz-Huei will drop off and she will be forever known as Lia-Rose...I just think it all goes together...and it feels right. So now, again, more notarizing and authenticating...and another trip to the Taiwanese Embassy in NYC...but hopefully this will be the last time.

We saw her last night after getting this sweet note from her foster family on MSN messenger:

老爹 sent 1/4/2009 10:04 AM:
Dear Lea,s dad and mon We got your presents for twice,thank you From January first to January fourth,2009,we will hava four days holiday in Taiwan We will take Lia shan shan for vacation,so we won,t be at home at that time We deeply appreciate your love for Lia ,and we are glad to be helpers between you and Lid
老爹 sent 1/4/2009 10:17 AM:
We hope Lia will be used to living in a new family soon when she goes back to America. thanks again for letting Lia have a sweet theme,and we hope Lia will be together with you very soon. Sincerely yours

Lia-Rose was beautiful. She said...."A-hee (I love you) Papa"

Happy new Year Lia Tsz-Huei Rose

We love you Miss Lia. We love you so much. In just 14 days a judge in Taiwan will look at our case. We aren't sure if he will greenlight it right away or more then likely ask more questions. We can't wait for these next few weeks to fly by. You have no idea what is in store for you. I know Nanny and Father tell you that you are coming to America with your Mommy and Papa, but you have no idea what that really means. Actually, neither do I. I think the the three of us will figure it all when you get here. We are a family, and it will be just the way it is supposed to be. I am so nervous. SO nervous that I won't be the mommy you deserve. But, I promise to devote all of me to you. I love you so much Lia Tsz-Huei. You are my everything!

Happy New Year my daughter to be. Legally, that is. You are my daughter in my heart and soul. I know I'm your mommy.

Happy New Year !!!!

Hearing is set!!!! January 16th, 2008!

Can I say excited!!!!


Happy Happy New Year!

I was thinking that before I knew who Lia was I was constantly blogging. Telling her how much I loved her. Expressing my feelings and thoughts. Now that I know who she is...why aren't I feeling the need to blog? It's is certainly not because I don't love her...but what is is I believe that I'm nervous. Scared. And frankly, holding back a bit. I know it makes no sense. I am beyond in love. But, this journey has been so filled with ups and downs I think not talking about it is a bit easier for me right now. I do want her to know when she reads this one day that I loved her from the moment I set eyes on her. Lia, you and I were born to be mother and daughter. I am so certain of this. I am beyond in love with you child. I love that you know us. I know you don't understand what this all means when they tell you that we are your mommy and daddy. But know that we are going to be there for you for the rest of your life. I pledge to be the best person I can be. To give my all for you and to you. You are every single breath I take. Every dream I have. Ever move I make. (I know I sound like a song from the Police, I just realized that.) Lia Tsz-Huei I love you. I'd be there tomorrow if I could ....you'll be here soon.

We were suppose to chat tonight with Lia but the webcam gave us issues....I emailed Grace the translator to tell her that we were having issues and to let Nanny and Lia know we were trying to get them. Among other things, this is what Grace told me in her reply... "Nanny said Lia is very happy about all the stuff you sent, she keep telling other kids at the school about Daddy and Mommy sending her these stuff. ( show off, I guess. Ha! Ha! )"

That is my girl. How awesome is this!

No word on courtdate...our faciliator and I spoke and she explained that when the notification came from the courts they assumed it was the court date...not that more information was needed. But, she also said she isn't concerned and that we should have soon.

I also started filling out more paperwork for "exit" and it was surreal to actually be filling it in with her name...albiet a very long name...so Lia is her first name and her middle name is officially Tsz-Huei Rose. Or is it Lia-Rose officially as the first name and Tsz-Huei as the middle....ugh! Poor kid. Any suggestions...

Happy Chrismaskah

Lia Tsz-Huei will be raised Jewish, with a daddy who is not. She will celebrate all the holidays...yes, Christmas too...more for the fun of it. She deserves it all.
Joe and I were just saying this is the weirdest night ever. I am still sick. He is in bed sleeping. We have no plans. We are waiting for Lia...for next year when our plan is to celebrate with her in Australia.

Lia Tsz-Huei...we love you and are just waiting for you ....any day now..any day now.
Happy Holidays all...

Good energy, please

No wonder. No wonder nothing is happening. I am putting out such negative energy. Anxiousness, fear, mistrust. Not a way to be thinking. I am trying so hard to put myself back into the positive zone. I am still not feeling well. Just so tired. Achy, yucky.

I did hear from Dina..the Facilitator ...who basically said what I knew...she doesn't have the date now because they needed some more information from us. I am was too tired to get into it with her. I know they are working on it.

I have Lia's little pink coat. What I saw her wearing when we first met. I accidentally took it home with me and I love having it here. It makes her more real for me. It's hanging in my room now. It gives me comfort to think of her in it.

Anyway, I am really too tired to write...but I just want to start put out the good energy again...and so it will be.

I am sick

I mean chills, aches, exhaustion and basic yuckiness. No fever, although I feel like I have one. I'm also sick with worry. Part of me says relax, the other says, you don't know what's going to be. I'm so scared something will go wrong. Still no word back from my facilitator. I know why. She probably is embarrassed that the date was not set in stone, so she is waiting until it is to email me back. My contact in Taiwan told me that she had to re-translate some of our paperwork. I guess the good news is that the fact that they asked means they are processing our paperwork. Someone looked and saw they needed some more information. I just feel totally paralyzed. It's awful.I have so much to do. I'm scared to do it. I saw my baby girl on Friday night as a nice surprise, not a great connection. I started to cry. She screamed Mommy, and I cried. I just want to breathe, to enjoy this period of time. Be excited about her coming. I'm just fearful and I hate that. It's my immediate reaction. When I sit back and think about it, I know all will be o'k...but it takes me time to get to that feeling. I feel guilty too. I feel guilty that I've been so blessed to find her. But then I realize , it's not about me...it's about this little beautiful little girl finding her family. There is nothing to feel guilty about. Anyway...I feel sick. Not sure if it's brought on my all this emotional stressful thinking of if the fact that I'm working ALOT and am exhausted is the reason. I just want to get into the holiday spirit and enjoy!!

Maybe not!

There may have been a miscommunication ...I have way to many sources :)
The translator wrote me that the court had needed some more information on the case...at least that was the correspondance she saw.She in fact translated something for them. I am waiting to hear if there was another letter giving court date that she wasn't aware of. My facilator said there was yesterday. I know it's confusing...back to being in a holding pattern, feeling sick and being optimistic!

First Hearing date!!!

January...waiting on when..but January!

Yes!!!! xoxo

The problem with me

I have a way about me that people feel that can share with me....everything. This is a very nice attribute to have, but at times too much information is simply that...too much information. I can't discuss details, and I don't want to put out a panic, but I've learned something that is making me so worried. I know it will be fine...but I do worry and I'm trying not too. The fact of the matter is this is not about Joe or me anymore, it's about Lia Tsz-Huei Rose....so that is who I think and worry about. I feel a bit paralyzed by it...but it will be o'k. Don't ask me, even you my shish. I just need to put this to bed for awhile and not worry on it. This post will serve as that...a put it out there and put it away. All will be fine. This is our story...not someone else's.

It's hard webchatting

Slow connection, bad sound..but I love it. I want them to get Skype..so much better, but every second of seeing her is so worth it... we heard lots of love yous and Papa...plus she did our famous 1-2-3-4-5...give me 5! We are head over heels and can't wait till our next conversation


Oh did I mention, I love my daughter!!

Now...do you think I should do the room Pink and Brown..I am so stupid and bad at this...KJo will u do it for me? Lori??? Help!

Today is four weeks

Today is exactly four weeks we have been in line for our court date in Taiwan. They tell us it takes between four to eight weeks to get the hearing date....basically, depending on the judges schedule. So...I can say now, any day now.

I'm really going through Tsz-Huei withdrawal. I miss her. Yikes, I have to get over this quickly as I have alot to do...but I feel sad, I miss her and I am so happy I can talk to her tonight. The truth is my baby is happy. She doesn't miss us or cry for us. I dreamt last night I saw her and she ran away. She wanted to be with her Nanny. THat's o'k. I just want her to be happy. And if means running away from me right now, that's o'k.

I am not complaining

But I miss Lia Tsz-Huei Rose...oy vey I can't stand it!!!!
Ok...enough...I gotta stop looking at her photos, watching the video...need to work, so I don't think about her...but I can't...oh well. It ain't possible. I love that kid ...I want that kid. I can not wait for her!!

We have a date...every Sunday and Wednesday night at 7p...our webchat!!! I am also going to email some new photos...(Lori Caplan-Clark aka Ahi..please please please send me photos and something from Addison Michaela. )


Back to work...

Alot to do

I have officially declared myself burnt out. Truly tired, exhausted and emotionally drained. It's also that time of the month so it works well that my cramps have kicked me on my back, into my big comfy bed. But I have a lot to do, and feel at this moment, a little overwhelmed. So when I feel this way, I give myself a break and take it ....one step at a time.

Here's what I have to do..I'm sure there is more, but suddenly I'm feeling that you my sweet little Lia Tsz-Huei will be sooner rather then later, and we better get ready.

1. Start cleaning out closets and drawers. Throw away everything that you haven't worn in the last year. Donate it to Goodwill. Get it out of the house. This includes shoes, boots and handbags.

2. Decide what color you want the room to be. What color you want the furniture to be and make a decision and stick to it. I keep going back and forth between keeping the room the color it is (lavender=ish) which in fact I painted that color four ears ago with the intention that this would be my child's room. However, I am drawn to the pink and brown theme as well-although that is way to "in" and everyone is doing it. I also love the darker furniture-it's classy and will last a lifetime. We are getting a trundle vs a double bad. Right into a grown up bed by the way, she is ready. With sides of course.

3. Makes some decisions on childcare. Start looking for a great babysitter, check out all the schools and daycares. (I have started this process by the way)

4. Learn chinese. I have to.

5. Get a head of the game with work,so I can take off a little longer.

6. Save, save and save money. Btween the economy faltering and the adoption expenses, it makes me nervous and want to make sure we have lots of cash on hand. Note to shish and family, not going crazy with Haunnukah gifts this years. O'k?
I know me, I probably won't abide by this.

7.Send another care package to my love. I sent her one this weekend. I'd like to send every few weeks. Along with cards.

8. Babyproof the place for a very active three year old.

9. Get my butt into the gym no less then four days a week. Been slacking and not eating as good. Stress. But no excuse, and I need to get back on the wagon. So, this officially puts it out there and I'm going to do it. I need to be in tip top shape when this very active three year old gets her.

10. Carve out special time with the husband. It's important.

One week closer.

We are back from Taiwan a week now. Remember how everything revolved around our LID of 10-27-06. That means nothing to me know. The date that counts is 11/13/08. That was the day we were logged into the Taiwanese court system. So now we wait for our first court date. The day our Power of Attorney walks in (that is the Orphanage director by the way) and says, we want Tsz-Huei. They court will ask questions, she might ask for birthmother to show. We don't know. The judge will rule that day and then we will wait I think 10 days for a final ruling. Once that is done. We are off to Taiwan.

I spent the day with Dina today. The faciliator. She thinks it will happen within just few months! Fingers crossed. We are almost there.

I went furniture shopping today. I am going to do the room in Pink and Brown. More on this soon..but very exciting.

Modern technology

I webchatted with my daughter tonight! How great is that ...they rang me and I saw that face and heard that little voice. it will keep me going...thank god for that. Thank god. We are so lucky.

She said I love you mommmy and I love you daddy.
She squirmed, she screamed, she laughed. She was my Lia Tsz-Huei!

Lia says her name and mama and papa too!

Playing Peek-a-Boo..Lia style

What a difference a day makes (day two)

This was from day two in Taiwan!!!

Spoke to my baby

We spoke to Lia tonight! The webcam wasn't working but we heard her voice. Someone there could type in English. They told us that ...she kisses our picture every night, plays with our toys and misses us! O'k, I'm crying now..gotta go :)

I love this picture

If you look on top of heap of shoes you'll see a tiny pair of sneakers....Lia Tsz-Huei Rose decided to put her sneakers in the closet with her mommy's...so she throw them in...I loved it! I love her.

Good news...we get to webchat with her tomorrow night! I can't wait.

Some things I learned about my daughter

She likes crunchy foods-crackers, chips, animal cracker cookies
Not so big on chocolate
Loves juices, tea, water, sprit
Hates milk
Ate squid, oysters, sushi, eggs, noodles, hotdog, dumplings, rice, chicken, french fries (well actually the ketchup on the French Fry) fruit, cereal
Ate cereal with chopsticks and thought it was really funny
Doesn't like onions or peppers
May or may not know how to brush her teeth
Loves taking baths
Loves mechanical toy rides
Will walk up to strangers and hugs babies
Squeals really loud when she is really happy
Makes "strawberry" sounds
Not interested in television
Can count to five in English 1-2-3-4-5 ...Give me Five!
Can count to five in Chinese and then say in english...Give me Five!
Can be very bossy
Loves to run
Loves her Mama to hold her
Loves her new teddy bear and blanket we gave her
Sleeps across the bed

I keep pinching myself

I have jet lag. Haven't slept through the night since we got home. So I lay awake and I keep pinching myself. Is this real? Could this be? I watch the video over and over. I have her little toothbrush that we used when she stayed with me. The pj's she wore. The little outfit she left behind. I can't believe it. I remember when Joe and I were seperated due to immigration. We were engaged and then he had to leave the country to apply for his Visa. We were apart for six months. We spoke at least twice a day. Emails in between. Yet, I still worried. I still doubted. I guess it's just my psyche. The neurotic jew in me. I feel the same way now. I get this anxious feeling. She is so far away and I can't do anything for her except wait the next few months out. At least this wait has an end in sight. I am thanking god for that, yet, I do keep pinching myself....but this is real! She needs us. Lia Tsz-Huei Rose we will be there soon.

My Lia-Rose

She is everything I ever dreamed her to be. She is smart, she is sassy, she is beautiful, she has personality, she has a strength that neither her father or I have. We have met our Lia-Rose. I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to post this story here. I was feeling cautious. But we just got off of a plane after spending a week in Taiwan, the birth country of our daughter. On 8-8-08 of this year Lia-Rose's file was presented to us. The chance to adopt from Taiwan came out of the blue and we are so grateful to our agency for presenting us this chance. Her photo caught us by surprise. We both recognized her at once. She is our girl. She is three years old (as of August 26th) and is a cute as a button. I will keep Lia's story to ourselves, but the wonderful news is that we truly know her story. I love that one day I'll be able to share with my daugther some of the good and perhaps the not so good of losing your birthfamily. But there is a sense of completeness that I can share with her.

Once we were given the sign-off from the appropriate people in Taiwan, we were told it would be o'k if we visited her. Note, it is not mandatory in Taiwan, but we felt that any chance to meet our daughter was a chance we wouldn't not pass up. We left last Saturday and just got back. Oh my god. I can't tell you what a trip this was.
Lia is being looked at by a Foundation (sort of like an orphange). She lives right now with a Nanny and her husband and another little girl in Foster Care. She is well taken care of and loved. She is a very well-adjusted child for someone who has been through quite a lot in her three years. We met with her Social workers and doctors. They wanted us to know everything. To make us feel secure. Then, the best part, we got three days with Lia. Three days on our own. We went to the zoo, to the museum, out to eat, shopping. Played in the hotel suite. We just enjoyed each other's company. It was amazing!

The process isn't over yet. We now wait a court date (about 4-8 more weeks). Once the judge signs off (and they believe this should be fairly quickly) we await a visa from the US Embassy in Taiwan. This might be the hold-up but this could be another 12-15 weeks. Note, we are saying weeks...sounds much faster that way!

Anyway, there are alot stories. I will begin to blog regularily here again.

And now, we unveil to my blog family...little Miss Lia Tsz-Huei Rose Carroll! (By the way, they are officially calling her Lia Tsz-Huei now!)

I am meeting my daughter to be

in three days!

I will be able to unveil her soon! THANK YOU.

Something that may surprise you

Well...some of you know this already. I have been just dying to post here...but am just be cautious as any little good jew is...we are superstitous and a little neurotic about this...but I have to say it!!! Yes, we have a referral! We have seen our little girl. And it's a long story...a miracle actually. She is not in China. She is near China however. And, in less then twenty days we are meeting her. I will report more when we are back, and even post her picture. She is beautiful and sweet and special and incredible. Thank you for making this journey so much easier. I can't tell you how excited and how incredibly blessed I feel.

President Elect Obama

This one is for you Lia-Rose. You will come to America at a time when our culture has shifted. When people will feel and know that no matter what color your skin is, shape your eyes are, or what country you came from-anything is possible. I am so excited to bring you home to a country led by President Obama. Some, don't agree with his policies. Some supported others. But, at the end of the day, we come together-that is what makes America so great. This one is FOR YOU.

Hi out there

I can't say. I wish I could. But not yet. Soon. SHE IS HAPPENING. Unbelievable. More soon....thank you to you and you and you and you.

My friends

It is two years (Tomorrow) that I have been LID in China. I haven't given up hope.
Bear with me...I can fill you in soon. I hope you have all been well.

I have been "Bright" and Nice".

Will explain soon...love you all..if anyone is still out there :)

Hi

I haven't posted here in quite sometime. For several reasons. One of which I will keep to myself right now. I feel optimistic, but yet, still wary. I just said to Joe..I can't take this anymore. He said to me. No. We start something ...we finish it and no matter what the hurdle is, we will finish it. I thank him for that encouragement, I needed it now.


Anyway, besides getting into a political discussion, which I will not, I have nothing more to say. It's almost exactly two years we have been logged in. Amazing.

Just to say hi

But not much to say. Hope you are well. Ugh.

Keeping busy

I am busy. Staying very busy and focused. Not much to say anymore, right now. But all is really GREAT...so stay tuned.

Just a word, as I don't think this is a necessarly the place to share my political beliefs,but most of you know that I am a Democrat and support the Obama/Biden ticket. I am a Democrat through and through, and what I see happening on the other side of the ticket truly frightens me. How sad, the first woman I could actually vote for, for this high office. I can not. I have grown up in a different generation of women. One where we have had many wonderful opportunities that the generations of women before us didn't have. We could work, have a family...do it all if we chose. I love having Choice.

I have been in the workplace for 25 plus years and have seen many women move up the corporate ladder. But yes, the good old boys club always exisisted. I would sit in meeting as the only woman (mind you as a Manager) and be the one they would ask to plan the staff parties or deal with the unhappy salespeople in a more maternal way. That is who I was naturally, and I guess they saw that in me.

Now the company I work for is run by a woman and there are many good women in key managment roles, it will be interesting to see the difference in tone. Regardless, as much as I know that women, by nature, are great at multi-tasking, at taking care of business, at fighting harder then anyone else on the team, I still can not vote for Sarah Palin. We come from different places. I am nothing like her. Her view points are so to the right, and I veer so much more to the left. I can't compromise here, and nor will she. I won't get nasty. I am tired of that. I have berated her as I used to berate the really pretty girl who worked in our office. She batted her eyes, and on the outside looked like the perfect sales person. She said the right stuff. Made the boys feel really good about themselves...fought for what she believed in and at the end of the day, we fired her. She lied to us. Had us all fooled. She was nothing like she made herself out to be. I keep thinking of her everytime I look at Sarah Palin.

Yes we can!

Finishing up my training in Boston. So excited about my new job...and I have entered the modern ages and now am becoming officially an
Email Marketing expert. It's so very cool. Really nice people, I am so lucky. I told my boss about the adoption and she was so happy for me. I was worried. I don't know. I am just starting a new job and who knows, I will need a maternity leave someday soon. But, she couldn't be happier and even agreed that the flexiblity of this new position will be really helpful as a new mommy! I am trully blessed with such a supportive company and boss. She is fabulous.

Watching the Democratic convention all week. Michelle Obama, who I hadn't really connected with, was incredible. Hilary Clinton, who I have always loved, was fantastic. And Bill...he was my old Bill again. There are a few Clinton haters I know who are reading this. I mean Democratic Clinton haters...it's time for us all to move on. Stop blaming the Clintons and move on. They were sincere, they were real, they were fantastic. We had two great choices. Do I belive one is a better more experienced leader then the other? Yes. But we move on.

Anyway, how fantastic to know that my daughter. My daughter who will be of another race, will know that here in America, a man of color finally has the same opportunity as white men have had forever. YES WE CAN. We can change the world! We can show children that they really don't have to be limited by race or color. This is so exciting to me and the most important Presidential campaign of my lifetime. Yes we can! For you Lia-Rose. For you!


HOLY COW! I just realized...today marks 22 months...22 frigging months since our dossier was logged into China. 23 months since it was sent. Unreal.

A cool message

Yeah, our really close friends Tim and Chris got their referral and approval. Welcome to the family MacKenzie Sue You (spelled out phonetically. She is five and has been in an orphanage since she was two. She is amazing. A real survivor. Tim and Chris are truly our bestest friends who met through this wild journey. I feel so excited to be part of that little girl's life. Chris has taught me about keeping the faith. She almost gave up until we decided to just let it be. Truly, a few days later she got the call!!! Mazel Tov!!!

My new job is going well. Very into training right now and head out to Boston again tomorrow. I also will publically pronouce that I am back on my good eating plan. Not that I was awful....just not as strict. I was also not feeling well at all the past few weeks. I hate to say this, but I am quite sure that I am the first expectant mother who is also definetly menopausal. There are probably a few of us out there...but it's crazy. Oy vey! I see my doctor soon, but I'm quite sure that it's a coming!

Anyway...I received this message by email the other day....keep the faith!


Imagining pure joy and happiness when you visualize, Wendi, but not following those feelings up with action on a regular basis, is as silly as imagining a I now am a mother of my child, Wendi, and not physically preparing for its inevitable arrival.

Tally-go, go, go -
The Universe

Quick check in

My new job rocks! It's fantastic. The company is completely proactive and positive. Did you hear me ...it's POSITIVE! I love that. I haven't been in an environment like this in forever. I am very happy this has happened to me. I feel so blessed.

In other news..my wonderful daddy turned 80 this week. On Thursday and I feel horrible that I wasn't there to celebrate. We are all getting together tomorrow. I love you daddy...you are the greatest!

This was an email message I received on 8-8-08. I meant to post this that day, so I will post it now. I love this message.

It really is easy, Wendi. You really are powerful. I really do love you.

You can have it all. You will live forever. And the best is yet to come.

You're already rich. There's more on the way. It's closer than you think.

There've been no mistakes. You've never been judged. And all things are playing out in your favor.

More to come soon...all is FINE.

Stuck at the airport

I have been stuck for 8 hours heading to Boston for day one of my new job. I have eaten lunch-salad and dinner-greek salad and one frozen yogurt, have had a cup of coffee, diet coke and a sushi roll. I bought a three magazines, one book and a pair of pants on sale at Brooks Brothers just in case my luggage doesn't make it. I am now sitting next to a lovely woman from Tawain and we are chatting about a few things. I am tired. I am excited. I am anxous to get there. My battery is almost running out.

Today a wonderful old co-worker passed away, Isaac Hayes. I had the pleasure of working with this icon in the mid-90's. He was awesome and down to earth. One big memory I have of him is when we were doing a concert at Madison Square Garden. I told him, "Issac, you must end by 10:30 or else it's going to cost us a ton." I said that to him one or two times and made the poor guy so nervous, that he cut the concert off early, literally in the middle of his famous "Shaft." Another time, he came to me and asked for some help. I said, "Sure, what can I do for you." He said, "Would you ask (don't remember her name) if she would be interested in going out with me?" I looked at him like he was crazy. And he wasn't! It was so cute. Anywy, Issac, god bless you. I will always fondly remember those years we worked together. You were the greatest.

Eight-Eight-O-Eight

Today is the day that has been on my mind for over a year and half. When the adoption process began to show huge evidence of a slowdown, everyone pointed to the Olympics as one of the reasons. Today, 8-8-08, the Olympics in Beijing begin. All the world is talking or thinking about China. I've watched a ton of documentaries about China and have heard from so many people who have said to me, "I was thinking of you today when I was watching a show on China."

My neighbors Yo and Jace told me that in China this day is "very very lucky".

Here's to a peaceful and joyous Olympics and "very very lucky" blessings to all those little babies waiting for us. Maybe we are heading to the other side of this now....just maybe?

If this happens, I'll scream. I will throw up and I'll cry. COME ON! First off, China has closed adoptions to single women...Angelina is not married. Also, if you are married and one person is divorced (aren't they both) you need to be married at least five years to your new spouse. Also, you can't have more then six children! Please. I think it's so nice of you Angie...but how about helping us waiting families. Why not advocate and use your wonderful voice to help us bring more kids home. I am so sorry to sound like a bitch...but this just bugs me.

Angelina Jolie is reportedly considering adopting a child from China.

The 'Tomb Raider' star -- who gave birth to twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline on July 12, her fifth and sixth children with partner Brad Pitt -- was so affected by footage of the recent earthquake in China she is contemplating giving a home to a child orphaned in the natural disaster.

A source revealed, "Angelina is devastated over the earthquake that occurred in China in May. She has been in constant touch with relief workers as part of her UN involvement, and even got her hands on photos of a few orphaned kids.

"She's made overtures offering a home to one earthquake orphan, or even two if they are siblings."

As well as the twins, she and Pitt, 44, also have three adopted children -- Zahara, three; seven-year-old Maddox; and Pax, four, as well as biological daughter Shiloh, two.

Angelina, 33, recently revealed her newborn babies are keeping her busy, but she is getting plenty of help from the rest of her family.

She said, "It is chaos, but we are managing it and having a wonderful time. Shiloh calls the twins her babies. She and Zahara pick out their clothes, help change and hold them. It's sweet - they are like little mommies."

Tick tock

Looking at my little ticker above I see that it's three more days till the Bejing Olympics begin. Amazing. I remember thinking how far off '08 was and the first time I saw a bus billboard in Manhattan promoting "Visit China '08" and thought wow, I will probably be visiting China in '08. It's time. Yes time, that moves quicker then you can imagine. The summer is almost over. Fall is upon us. My daddy turns 80 in a week and half. My niece Addie will be in second grade. Joe and I married over 5 years. Annie and Adam my stepchildren, one an adult- the other looking like an adult. Hayley my niece entering High School, Syd in her last year at Middle School. It moves quickly.

Last night before I fell asleep I was snuggling my hubby. He was snorning away and I a huge memory of when we had been parted by Immmigration. As you know (or maybe not) Joe is Australian and in order for us to marry and for him to legally be in this country we had to go through the Immigration process. We actually were apart for over six months as we sorted through paperwork and the process. It felt so long. It felt like it would never end.

Time, isnt' it funny that the same 60 minutes can either be so drainingly slow or fanatasticly fast.

I dont' know what the end of the Olympics will bring to us Waiting Families. It does mark the passage of time...and hopefully, will mark a speed up. But wouldn't it be nice to be able to speed up ...but stay young and healthy and exactly how I am at this moment. We shall see..

Olympics and Adoption

Well, we all know that some of the speculation is that the Olympics may be one of the reasons for the slowdown. I believe that if that is so, they are doing it for PR reasons....here is an interesting report from Lester Holt at NBC News. This report doesn't address the Olympics being the holdup....but, it addreses the fact that there are less available children. This is exactly the PR I was talking about. The Chinese knew that the press would be exploring all kinds of stories while in China. They wouldn't want them to be saying that there our thousands of babies available. Instead..here is how the story shapes out.

I am back

In a different way. Welcome to my private world. It took a while to make this private, the cutting and pasting of email addresses. Oy. Anyway, first things first, why I took this blog private. I have a new job! On 8/10 I start a very cool job with Con-t Contac. (spelled wrong on purpose...I am so paranoid) I will be the Regional Development Director for NYC and the company will be marketing me to the general public. I will in a sense become the public face for the company here and it started making me nervous that my name (and face-I'll have my very own website with the company) would be out there...I'll be doing a lot of public events and workshops, speaking and training. This blog is too personal and my baby is too important to be just out there. And with my name being out there more, I didn't want to take a chance. So that is it. Several friends-and you know who you are, thought maybe it was some other great reason...but no.

I think the intention of my blog changed. I want to get back to when this was about Lia-Rose. A journal for her to follow one day. I want to keep it true to that.

Anyway, I don't even know where to start. It's been a really busy time. A crazy journey. I had a big dissappointment with work, but the Universe takes care of me.I was able to find this new position. One of the key things I needed from my work is the ability to work from home....and bingo, my new office is based at home. The work will be challenging and fun, and I'm thrilled.

My stepdaughter and her BFF were here for three weeks. It was great fun. I loved playing mom..although being a mom to two 15 years old can be challenging...but, I know Annie is reading this, and we both can say....we had a great time. I need to definetly get back to my good eating plans. Annie always seems to inspire lots of french fry and chicken fingers eating. It was so much fun!

So, nothing is really happening on the adoption front for me. But some great stuff for my friends. Paul and Denice returned home with Olivia. I won't mention yet, but my other really close friends have accepted a Waiting Child referral. My Anonnie also is headed to her baby girl very soon....things are moving forward.

Now, please a rule here. I don' want any comments that say..."it's going to happen etc." Not now. I am sorry, those comments make me nausous. Two years ago almost I started this blog. And two years later, we are really not that much closer. So please, I really do not want to hear anything like that. I know what the reality is...and I am definetly sure that this will happen. It is just to fluffy for me now....o'k?

I have a very close friend who is reading this blog. I won't get into details, but this person is truly amazing. Her family is facing a very challenging situation. Her spirit, strength and positive vibe simply amaze me. I am beyond proud of you. And you are teaching me about what being a mother is all about.

I love you all...and am glad to be back blogging....keep checking in. There are some great people reading this. Introduce yourself. It's a small Lia-Rose community here...so thank you for your support and love.

Privacy please

Hi friends. I am looking forward to blogging again. Maybe I need to to remind myself that one day a baby will come. I HAVE to go private. It's not that mysterious why, and when we are private I'll explain. In fact it's really great why. Anyway, some of you I know, others I don't. I need your email addresses. Either email me at dashish@aol.com or just leave it in the comments. Look forward to seeing you in my private world!

For awhile

All is fine. I need to take a very long blog break. No updates. It is what it is...so I'm closing down shop here. Not much left to say on the topic...be back soon when we have something to report! (I'll be making this private soon, so don't think I am blocking you out.) Take care!

What if

I try not to worry. Yeah, right. I am the biggest worrier there is…besides my mommy. She taught me well J I worry when I call my husband's cell and he doesn't answer. I worry when my parents don't answer their phone. I worry when I hear about an accident in Ohio and wonder if anyone I know is near there. I am a worrier. The what ifs can make you crazy and I do try, as hard as it may be, to rise above the feelings of worry and remember that all will be o'k. But those what ifs can keep you down. This adoption process has turned into a complete mess for myself and thousands of others. The what ifs are huge. What if the program dissolves? What if my health status changes? What if , What if, What if. I even challenged myself last night. I thought to myself-What if I am not supposed to be a mother? I let that sink in for a bit. I must tell you, it didn't feel right. It wasn't right.

I am upset. I hide it well. I keep it hidden in the deepest parts of me, so deeply that sometimes I don't even feel it anymore. What do we do? Do we keep hanging on to some false hope that this is all going to change after the Olympics? Do we just move forward every day optimistically thinking this is really going to happen? I don't have any more answers. I am angry. I am frustrated. I have to let those feelings go. The bottom line is….it doesn't look like this is happening soon. I can't feel punished. It's not just happening to me. I can't feel sorry for myself. It's not just happening to me.

Dear G-D, I just want my baby. All I want is ONE baby. I am here to mother a child that needs mothering. I know you have more to worry about then me. I am so grateful for so much that life has offered me. I just know that I am meant to be someone's mother. I need your help up there …

So friends, I am taking a bit of a blog break (and not at all to be dramatic or anything) I just have nothing left to say. One day L-R when you read this, at this point in your mom's life she was feeling that she needed to just let all of this go and trust the universe that you would be in her arms soon.

My stepdaughter arrives on Monday, the next few weeks will be busy and occupied with fun times with Annie and her friend Mel. I'll be back soon…thanks for reading and following this adventure…but right now I need to say to myself-"What if I just let it be".

I love you all.

 

Watch this

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/world/2008/06/26/lah.quake.adoption.cnn?iref=videosearch

(Cut and paste in your browser...you will love this story!)

20

We are 20 months LID today.

As Tom Petty says…"the waiting is the hardest part".

I may have posted this before

I think I have...can't remember, but lately I felt so blessed to have so many great friends in my life. I have reconnected with a few friends who I have missed so much,and have become closer with some others. I can't thank you enough. I miss my sister who I can't talk to as much because of the bad reception at camp, but I have so many sister (and actually brother) friends and it really helps. I can truly say that "I have been changed for good". Thank you all for showing me that life is pretty o'k...especially because I got you!!! All is good...and so it will be!