Thursday, July 03, 2008

What if

I try not to worry. Yeah, right. I am the biggest worrier there is…besides my mommy. She taught me well J I worry when I call my husband's cell and he doesn't answer. I worry when my parents don't answer their phone. I worry when I hear about an accident in Ohio and wonder if anyone I know is near there. I am a worrier. The what ifs can make you crazy and I do try, as hard as it may be, to rise above the feelings of worry and remember that all will be o'k. But those what ifs can keep you down. This adoption process has turned into a complete mess for myself and thousands of others. The what ifs are huge. What if the program dissolves? What if my health status changes? What if , What if, What if. I even challenged myself last night. I thought to myself-What if I am not supposed to be a mother? I let that sink in for a bit. I must tell you, it didn't feel right. It wasn't right.

I am upset. I hide it well. I keep it hidden in the deepest parts of me, so deeply that sometimes I don't even feel it anymore. What do we do? Do we keep hanging on to some false hope that this is all going to change after the Olympics? Do we just move forward every day optimistically thinking this is really going to happen? I don't have any more answers. I am angry. I am frustrated. I have to let those feelings go. The bottom line is….it doesn't look like this is happening soon. I can't feel punished. It's not just happening to me. I can't feel sorry for myself. It's not just happening to me.

Dear G-D, I just want my baby. All I want is ONE baby. I am here to mother a child that needs mothering. I know you have more to worry about then me. I am so grateful for so much that life has offered me. I just know that I am meant to be someone's mother. I need your help up there …

So friends, I am taking a bit of a blog break (and not at all to be dramatic or anything) I just have nothing left to say. One day L-R when you read this, at this point in your mom's life she was feeling that she needed to just let all of this go and trust the universe that you would be in her arms soon.

My stepdaughter arrives on Monday, the next few weeks will be busy and occupied with fun times with Annie and her friend Mel. I'll be back soon…thanks for reading and following this adventure…but right now I need to say to myself-"What if I just let it be".

I love you all.


 

7 comments:

annmarie said...

Love you too, Wendi! And yes, you are meant to be a mom. Don't be a stranger, OK?

Anonymous said...

Hugs Wendi. It will happen!

Susan said...

I'll sure miss reading your blog, but absolutely do what feels right to you! I agree with Ann Marie, you're most definitely meant to be a mom. And you will be. A great one!

Lori said...

hugs and kisses shish.

Joanne said...

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers ~ take care of yourself...

KJ said...

i love you wend, i really do. im sorry for how hard this is ... please please dont doubt you were meant to be a mommy ... i remember thinking "thank g-d!!" when you told me of your plans to adopt ... i wanted to hear those plans for years before. take a break, we all need one sometimes, but always know there are SO many pple rooting for you, and checking this blog for the post we all want to see.
sending you love, hugs and kisses from San Francisco.

karen said...

Please know there are many thinking of you. Your time WILL come!! Best Wishes