Monday, October 30, 2006

I miss you

I am feeling incredibly sad tonite. I will blame it on a bit of PMS...but, I realized the moment I stop doing something...I think of Lia. Tonite the feeling was overwhelming. In fact it brought tears to my eyes. I feel that she is really out there ...and I miss her so much. There is this little baby out there waiting for her mommy, and I can't do anything about it except sit here and wait.
The referrals that were expected last week, never arrived. Right now they are saying this week, and no one has any idea of how many days they will match. It's such a roller coaster of a ride. I won't get off of it though. This is what I am meant to do. I think my husband does make some sense in the way he is dealing with the wait. He pays no attention to it. He knows that Lia will be here when she is supposed to. Me, I am online...networking with other moms and dads...reading blog after blog. I have to do it this way. For me that is the right way, for my husband, he has his own. Tonight though, I really miss you Lia. I am sorry I can't be there for you ...but you are in my heart. Please someone, take care of her for me. Please.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

My first Halloween party as a "mom"

A new friend of mine Marcia, invited me to join her friends and family at a Halloween Party. Marcia is awesome. She has a beautiful daughter named Catarina that was adopted from China four years ago. There were a few other families there with their adopted daughters, and it was so awesome to feel connected. They know exactly how I am feeling now, and I gotta tell you, it felt great to be apart of something. I always envied my sister and husband and the huge group of friends they have in the "hood". I can see how my adoptive community will only grow as time goes by. Right now, I am completely into. I am excited for Joe to become a part of it with me! Last nite I had so many dreams. In one of them , my step children were meeting Lia for the first time. In the dream Lia was older, maybe 9 or 10. My stepson Adam was playing with her and hugging her. Annie was buying her jewerly. I had another dream about this family I follow online. They just are in China now meeting their twin daughters. In my dream, I was meeting the twins as well. Tonite I may find out about more referrals. FIngers crossed they match a larger group...remember, positive affirmations! The families I met today encouraged me that during their process there were tons of rumors as well and the time frame just kept changing. They also said, before you know it, she will be here!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

For once in my life

I just figured out how to add music to this blog. Tonite I added, "For Once In My Life". This was actually my wedding song with my husband....but I think it's so appropriate to my impending mommy-hood! I just can't imagine what it is really going to feel like to have someone 100% dependent on me. Someone to love so unconditionally. Pretty overwhelming, that is for sure.

I wrote my agency yesterday concerning the LID (Log In Date)...she emailed me tonite and said no word yet. But the good news is it looks like referrals are coming in this month, and it might be a big month of referrals, which is what we need! More to come, but let's keep those positive affirmations!

The good news is that it's almost the end of October...this month flew by. I will keep staying productive and hopefully they all will!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The power of positive affirmations

So, we are still waiting for our LID..Log In Date. I am guessing we might know for awhile, but that doesn't mean it isn't logged in. It just means we haven't been informed. Once the LID is set, that is really the official start of the referral countdown. I have to say it gets so overwhelming to think how long it could be. I really have to think very positive thoughts. In fact, if you are reading this now, I ask you to think or even say out loud..."Referrals for Chinese adoptions are begining to pick up now. All those little beautiful innocent babies are getting placed right now with their forever families. The thousands of waiting families are getting their daughters."
Who knows maybe we can change things just simply believing that they are true.
Not much more going on...just trying to stay busy, productive, happy and healthy during this lovely (you see a positive affirmation!) wait!
Thanks for your good thoughts!

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Thanks Madonna!

Ok, I have to admit. It really is unfair how Madonna was able to just go and get her baby.
I mean, god bless her for trying to the right thing and help this boy (although I do feel if she wanted to help him so much, why not give the father some money to go and make a better life for his son-something isn't right here) but there is no way it could take under one month to adopt a child. Perhaps we will find out that she filled out an adoption application, submitted it to an agency, did a homestudy, had her fingerprints taken, had medicals done, had letters of refererence written, submitted photos of her family life, did a letter of intention as to why she wanted to adopt a child, then submitted an I600 form to obtain an I171 to bring the orphan back into the USA....but perhaps she didn't need to do the last part since she lives in England!!! Hmmm, I don't think so!

Last week I attended a dinner for a friend who was getting an award. I saw a lot of old business associates who I hadn't seen in some time....I of course was just thrilled to share my news of my adoption...but almost everyone I told cracked a few jokes..."ha ha, are u adopting your African baby now"...or "oh you are trying to be just like Madonna, huh? " I found myself defending my baby. And what I was doing. I know no one meant to hurt my feelings, in fact I know they were thrilled for me...but the jokes were hurtful, and as mom waiting for her really isn't funny....

Anyway, on a lighter note, I went out today and bought Lia a few things...I know, I shouldn't ...but I couldn't help it, and I have to say they look nice hanging in the closet. It feels really 'real" when I see them there. Plus, I had to get a gift for my "cyber shower" buddy in my Yahoo September DTC Group...we are officially known as "The Red Threads of September"...each month, we will buying each other gifts!!! This month theme is zoo....

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Lucky gal I am

This is a picture of my beautiful step daughter Annie.
Words can not describe how special this young woman is. She has a maturity far beyond her 13 1/2 years. She has a sweetness in her soul that is unmatched. Needless to say, I adore her. Annie lives in Australia with her mom and my stepson Adam. This holiday season, they are all mine! And, of course my hubby's. I can not wait! I haven't see the kids in almost two years. Last holiday season, Joe went without me to spend a solid month with the kids. This year, we will all be together here. This year, we will share the great news about the upcoming arrival of their sister Lia Rose. I hope they will be as happy about it as we are. I think they will.

No new news on the adoption front. The wait continues. New referrals are being announced next week. The bummer is that they make referrals once a month...and they are only doing about two weeks at a time. In other words, this month they will refer dossiers that were logged in August 15-28. If you were logged in on the 29th of August, you have to wait until November for the referral. Crazy stuff. They need to do one whole month of log ins at a time!

My yahoo message group-September DTC is having a cyber shower...we all send each other gifts....I am waiting on my buddy. I am anxious to do this as this will be my first baby gift giving to me by someone other then me...ever. So excited.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

What is fair and what is not

I am feeling angry and sad. I am feeling incredibly sorry for myself. I am feeling pissed off.
I want my daughter. I want her home with me now! And it can't be. I want to feel like a mother. I want to take care of my child. I don't want this to be just an idea any longer, but reality.

How does one feel like a mom when she doesn't even know when she will see her child?
How does one continue to stay optimistic thru this long wait. I want to bring this baby home today. She needs me and I need her. It's time...and I hope the time moves quickly and life stays somewhat the same.

Sunday, October 08, 2006

I have no idea what I am doing!

Yesterday I babysat my friends' Simone and David's six month old beautiful baby Nyla. I had always thought of myself as a great babysitter. And I was. But while I was taking care of her I realized that in a year or so I will be doing this for my own daughter.....and I actually got nervous! I have no idea what I am doing. O'k, so what happens when you have to go to the bathroom? Do you sit there with there with the baby all day long or can you walk away if they are in a playarea or something? How do u know they are hungry? How do u know how much milk and food to give them? What if they have a cold...? A fever? How do you give them a bath? How the heck to you fold up that stupid baby carriage? Why did I feel that baby's tummy to see if it was moving when she took a nap...? Am I always going to wonder if the baby has stopped breathing!!!! Oh my much to learn!!! Help !!!!!

Friday, October 06, 2006

Happy Birthday Haylzzz

Hayley Rose is my sister oldest daughter. My first born niece. She was 13 yesterday! I can't believe how time flies. From the minute this child was born, we had a special relationship. Although she cried everytime I held her or looked at her for the first 11 months of her life, I know everything would be o'k when her mommy asked her at the age of 1, "What does your Aunt Wendi say?" ....Hayley, the beautiful baby, proudly said "GUT"...(an abbrievation of a silly phrase I must say about 1200 a day...GUT TA NU, Yiddish for something like..."my god I love you so much) Hayley and I have a special relationship. From talking on the phone....pretty much constantly since she was about IMing on the hanging out with her friends, especially her best friend Samantha....I believe that my relationship with her is deeper then just niece and aunt. We are friends. And, I know that friendship will grow. Hayley was the first to really teach me what love meant. The first to make me feel like I could be a mommy.
Now do not get me wrong, I am equally in love with her two sisters, my Sydney and Addison. Hayley was just the first. Happy birthday to my darling niece Hayley. You are not only beautiful, but adventuresome, talented, smart and most of the time ...very very sweet. I will always be there for you. When I got my I600 approval in the mail, I called my hubby first, and then the girls...Sydney was screaming. Hayley was screaming...and she said to me, "Wendi, you are going to be the best mom ever!" Thanks Haylzz...I couldn't have done any of this without you.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The waiting really begins

It's really the first time in this whole process where there is not a thing to do. There is no copying of papers, no scheduling of appointments, not even a criminal check to do. There is nothing to check my mailbox for. I have nothing to do! For a person like me who is very much a control freak, this is kinda of freaky. We still wait for our LID date, but I suspect I won't hear much on this for a least a month. So, what do I do....I am promising myself to be very productive. I am planning on reading up on chinese culture, continue to connect with the wonderful women I am meeting on the Yahoo Message boards . I have also be introduced via email to Audrey and Rose. Our agency sent our dossiers together, so there is a real chance we will actual travel together to China! One thing that I am going to monitor myself from doing is getting to caught up on reading the "rumors" and "ranting" that can go on in the Yahoo groups. Although a wonderful support system, I have to take certain things and not read to much into them. Today I read a post from a woman who complained about the long wait, and for some reason I got really upset. I have to manage my time on these boards to not make myself to nutty. So, I will put out there to all you my friends, family and fellow bloggers...I promise to be productive during this time...educate myself, work on some of my professional endeavors (while I still have time) out, take time for myself and just put out the good vibes that baby Lia will be here soon enough.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

My day of atonement

Tonite is the most holy nite in theJewish religion, it marks the beginning of Yom Kippur when as Jews we ask g-d to forgive us for our sins. We also remember those who have past. Although I am not the most religious Jew, I take Yom Kippur very seriously. We Jews, begin a fast and for the next 24 hours I will not eat or drink. I usually use this time to really thank g-d for all that I have been blessed, and ask that g-d help me become a better person. I also spend the time being reflective and look to really organize matters in my life. With the arrival of my daughter in the near future, I am so grateful. I know that g-d will bring me the child that I am supposed to raise and love. I will mark this day very quietly, by myself. I will think , I will read, I will walk and I will reflect about how lucky I really am.