New Year's Revolutions

....that's resolutions, but to Addie, they are revolutions. And, I kinda of like that. After all, the definition of a revolution is: A revolution (from the Latin revolutio, "a turnaround") is a significant change that usually occurs in a short period of time. How perfect. This goes without saying the kind of New Year's revolution I hope and pray for this upcoming year. A change, oh god, we are a community of people begging for a change. I pray deeply for us all to receive optimistic news. Change and miracles throughout this entire adoption community.

Yesterday, when we were with Susan and Alana Nika, well, it was almost surreal. For months I have been agonizing along with Susan, who went on a wild roller-coaster ride. It was one long continous paperchase....referrals that went sour, and a major hiccup after she had met and fell in love with this baby. Yet, here was this munchkin, having brunch with us in Manhattan. It really happened.

Last year at this time my friend Ann Marie was being tortured as well. The paper, the certifications, the interviews, the back and forth. But yet, here she sits, at the end of 2007 with the handsome and healthy baby Alexander. It really happened.

And my dear Stephanie. Who I fell in love with through the blog world. She waits, and waits, and began her concurrent adoption to bring home a brother for her Mei Mei. In the next few days she will have her court date. (YOU WILL) It really is happening.

There's Joanne and Mia, who went with her heart, and is now celebrating her first New Year's Eve with her daughter. It really happened.

Tonight we went through our "revolutions". Addie asked for Lia-Rose to come home.
Sydney hoped that Alana Nika would forget her past and have a happy future.

My mother gave me a special present this week. Engraved in stone, and sitting on an easel are these words "never ever ever give up". On this New Year's Eve, those are very fitting words, yes indeed.

A Happy and a healthy New Year!

"Life isn't bumper cars, Addie"

After a fantastic day in NYC, exploring the Xmas decorations, meeting the delish Alana Nika (more on this later), going to the Top of the Rock and "sitting in the clouds", heading into American Girl Store and having Addison join in unison screams with our friend Olivia, having chicken fingers, bagels, milk shakes and hot chocolate (not me, the girls) we got stuck in a two hour..yes I said, two hour traffic jam. That's two hours from about Fifty-Seventh Street to Fortieth Street out in the tunnel. Poor Sydney fell asleep and Addie kept me company..."bump those morons Aunt Wendi" "Beep your horn" "You can say bad words, it's o'k" "Hit those dumb people Aunt Wendi". O'k, perhaps not the nicest things for a 6 year old to say, but we were aggravated, and tired. Sydney woke up to these bold statements from Addie and proclaimed, in what I thought was a very deep commentary about life..."Life isn't bumper cars Addie!"

Hanging

Officially hanging with my girls...aka nieces, Sydney and Addie.
We got here at about 5pm...promptly snuggled in bed and watched High School Musical 2 and Hairspray. Had a picnic dinner in bed -Syd had pizza, Addie hated the Grilled Cheese sandwich I made her..."I never had this cheese before Aunt Wendi"...(it was swiss) and me, a Boca burger (80 calories of delish). Addie also told me that she can't wait for Lia to come ..."I am kinda of sick of all the attention Aunt Wendi". She also said that her mom reminds her of Tracey's Mom in Hairspray (John Travolta in drag) "except, my mom is not that fat and goes out more!"

Tooo cute...I love being a "mom"!!!!!!

Welcome Back

I am home. Arrived in Newark at 12:30am this morning. By the time my bags came and the drive home, it was nearly 2am. Don't worry mom, I slept (smile). I had a lovely time in Las Vegas. I am one of the few who goes there and doesn't gamble. O'k, I tried my luck at the slots and lost. Darn, I could have bought a pair of shoes with that money! I stayed at my Aunt and Uncle's beautiful house. It was a perfect retreat for me as they have a lovely private guest bedroom and bath. Felt like a comfy hotel room. I spent a lot of time with my Aunt Dorothy who is in her late 70's but honestly still acts and looks like she is in her early sixties. We ate, we talked, we shopped. I loved being with her. My Uncle is the Champ of the Poker Room and spent the days there, but hung out with us for great dinners at night. I love being with them. I ask them tons of questions about my grandparents and what my mother was like as a young girl. It's so interesting to me.

I also had a great time hanging with a dear childhood friend, Amy Starr...she is the bestest. I love being with her and she could in fact be one of the friends I have known the longest. We met when were were 4! Amy is beautiful and was the perfect hostess. We had a wonderful time just drinking a bottle of red wine and chatting away. It was truly relaxing. I can't wait to hang out agains soon.

Now back and in my own surroundings again, I am focused on eating right again. I enjoyed my vacation and relaxing about what goes in my mouth. I did manage to walk everyday that I was away, so hopefully that helped fend off any extra poundage.

Joe is having a ball in AU still. I told him tonite that I was ready for him to come home today. I really do miss him!

And tomorrow, my big New Year's Eve weekend begins....they say (and who by the way is "they") that you should spend your New Year's the way you want your year to be. Therefore I'll be celebrating with my nieces, Sydney and Addison. You see, I want my year filled with kids! ( We did invite Hayley, but apparently...well she is 14, enough said) I am so excited to have them all to myself. I'll be taking them into the city to see the sights, and meet the amazing and beautiful Alana Nika as well as some other friends. I am really happy to have their company this weekend!

I'm a little blue tonite. Only because I am missing my Lia-Rose. I know that sounds funny, to be missing someone that I haven't met yet, but, well, I think you know what I mean. I won't complain, I won't say what has already been said...remember, anything is possible, and I'll stick to that.

Just another number

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

14


Months Logged In

Christmas ramblings from a Jew..and Miracles

As a Jewish person Christmas sort of has a different meaning. Being married to a non-Jew does mean there are certain Christmas customs that you now partake in. However, this year with Joe being away, I am all Jew again. Now, in Vegas with my Aunt and Uncle, we are truly just relaxing and enjoying a somewhat quiet morning. Last night we hit the casino....for the grand buffet. The place was loaded with kids and families, many by the way whom were Asian. It really didn't "feel" like Christmas Eve, but then again, what does Christmas Eve "feel" like?

As a kid, I remember Lori and I daydreaming that if we decorated the plastic plant in the living room maybe Santa would find us too. I also remember "hearing" Santa's sleigh pass our house and get very upset. As a young Adult, Christmas Eve meant one thing to all of us trendy and "urban" types....it was the annual "Matzah Ball", yes, I said the "Matzah Ball". This annual Christmas Eve tradition is held in big cities with lots of Jews...basically, it's singles looking to 'hook up' for the holidays. I'll never forget one year the very un-Jewish former ex Philadelphia Seventy Sixer Charles Barkely partied with us on Christmas Eve. Apparently (smile) he liked Jewish girls.

Today, as an adult, Christmas means something. It's a special day for my husband and his family and so many of my friends. It is time for all of us to exhale and enjoy family. It is a chance to ask G-d for a miracle.

Years ago I studied and read alot of Marianne Williamson's writings. She based much of her new age sprituality on something called "The Course in Miracles". This bible like book talks about love, and family and of course, Miracles. The simple definition of a miracle is this..."a shift in thought". Think how powerful that is...."a shift in thought". A dear friend of mine in this adoption community (who will reamin nameless) is I'm afraid in a very negative place. Negative in the sense that she is questioning whether or not this miracle of adoption will in fact ever really happen. Today, Christmas Day, I am praying for her to have a miracle. Quite simply, I want her to believe again. To shift her thought and believe again.

I will hope today that we all are touched by this miracle as well. We need to all believe again...to hold true to that belief and what a huge change can occur for us all. It will be our Christmas Miracle, even us Jews (smile)...may we have lots of these Christmas miracles today! xoxo

I left my heart...

In San Francisco! What a great city! Gorgeous views, interesting streets, great food (which unfortunetly I am enjoying a bit to much), nice nice people and the new home for my little K-Jo. Having a ball. Spent the yesterday and today in Napa and then hiked through the Redwood Forest. Friday afternoon spent with my friend Leah and her son Kenson and family at the Chinese/American School. Visited Chinatown and literally felt like I was in China. I Am hobbling and limping around because I overdid a walk on Friday morning....if you haven't walked the streets of San Francisco, you won't understand...but it is really really steep. I am truly in pain. But the fine wines of and great foods of Napa sure know how to cure any aches and pains. Oh, plus ths San Francisco Farmer's Market...awesome... Kristen and I had a great time. Aside from fighting a few times a day...totally like my sister she is... She is my little darling and I'm beyond proud of her...this town is fantastic and I'm so glad that Kristen has the chance to live and grow here...
thank you for an amazing time! Check out the pics...here and Kristen's side of the story at Kristen's blog

Happy Holidays and a breaking news bulletin

I had written the post below last nite, when I happily unplugged myself from cyber space. Of course, I still had my blackberry and thank god for that...my Rumor Princess herself, my BFF Daniella was stalking the internet late last night and this morning I found an an email from her ...to me and Audrey! We are OUT OF REVIEW!!!!!!!!

IT'S TRUE! The China Center of Adoption Affairs (CCAA) my fairy god mother, lists the following : The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documents registered with our office before October 31, 2006.

Someone in China read our Dossier. She or he read about how crazy I am ....to be a mother....she read how nuts Joe and I are about Lia-Rose. She read the story that my neice Sydney had written for me about Lia-Rose. Someone in China knows that Wendi, Joe, Adam, Annie, Joyce, Aaron, Lori, Gregg, Hayley, Sydney and Addison are anxiously awaiting our baby girl. Someone in China said, it's o'k...this woman is o'k to be a mommoy!!!!

Now does this make the wait any shorter...unfortuently NO. But, this was the last stop before the matcher....ok, o'k, ok! I'm excited. And to god...thank you. I prayed I needed a little pick me up...this sure did it!!!! Thank you CCAA!!!!

Now back to our originally slated blog post....

Hi my dear friends in blog land, I am taking this time to wish you all a happy and a healthy New Year. I am right now on a business trip but coming home tomorrow to wash my clothes and pack up my bags.

 

While my husband celebrates with family across the world, I treated myself to a little getaway. Thursday through Sunday I'll be in San Francisco.
I'll be hanging with my little friend Kristen Jo. Our plans include a trip to Napa Valley over the weekend, which I'm really excited about. For some reason I imagine a Sideways weekend, minus picking up strangers. We also have a few hikes planned. I'm meeting up with another dear friend Leah (yes, here name is Leah) who is seven months pregnant. I'll be meeting her gorgeous son Kenson who is four. On Friday nite we are going to the Christmas pagent at the English/Chinese school that her son attends. Her son's father is half black/half Chinese, and they make sure her son understands his Chinese ancestry. Leah figured I'd enjoy a nite out at this school…and she is right, I can't wait.

 

On Christmas Eve, I take off and fly over to Las Vegas, where every good Jew celebrates Christmas. I'll be sitting around the poker
table Christmas Tree with my Aunt and Uncle Dorothy and Mike. I'm back in NJ late on the 27^th…*yes our 14 month lid…whoopie! I say sarcastically.

 

So, I am busy and just want to make sure you know how much I love you and all, and wish you only happiness this holiday season. I am going to try to post, but just in case I don't…HAPPY HOLIDAYS….ENJOY AND BE SAFE.

 

And, Susan is returning home with Alana Nikka! I am overjoyed for her.

 

xoxo

Sunday in bed

I am cold and tired. All in a good way. I am taking advantage of cancelled plans and freezing rain and staying in bed. With computer on my lap I type away, do work, browse the web, watch missed episodes of Ugly Betty (ABC streaming is very cool), check into everyone's blogs and am tempted to have a glass of wine. I need this day.


It feels like it has been a long year...and it has. A year filled with waiting, and waiting and can I say waiting again. I will say no more, but yesterday while waiting in line to checkout at a store....the line was wrapped around four times before you got to the cash registers...
I imagined the line to be the line we are in waiting for our referrals. I patiently and slowly moved. Along the way, I stopped, and talked to those in line with me. We commiserated, we were aggravated. In the first aisle I was optimistic and filled with hope that the line would move quickly. As I wrapped around the second aisle, I got angry and frustrated. When I hit the third aisle, I almost gave up, but was nudged by the lady in front of me ..to stick with it, I was almost there. I finally made it to the counter. Checked out quickly and then made my way into the rest of my day. The wait behind me, I felt happy and satisfied that my time waiting was well worth it.

AMEN

The cutest little munchkin in the world has FINALLY been matched with the most beautiful, sweetest and special mommy in the world! (I had to post her picture S, I hope you don't mind...I'm going to eat her up when I meet her!)

Sleepy and tired

For so many reasons, this week is a very busy and hectic one. Not to mention , I have a huge box of presents that need to be packed up and mailed to Aussie this weekend. I am a tad bit stressed. I heard from my hubby, he is happily settled in Australia. He is staying at his best friend's house in the South of Perth, which is one of the nicest neighborhoods in the world. Note to Joe-One day when we have our Australia home, this is the not a bad neighborhood to consider.-As soon as he arrived home in Aussie, he headed over to see the kids. Apparently, Annie is now taller then him, and as beautiful as ever. Adam was doing great, and this month officially becomes a "certified working man". I can't believe how quickly time flies. He was just 16 when I first came into his life. Poor Susan, she is still having adoption blues in Russia. The good news is she is with her daughter, well, some of the time,, her poor little munchkin is in the hospital, getting better but stuck there. Susan revisits the courthouse tomorrow, hopefully with the final adoption decree. Fingers crossed my dear friend.

And now, only because I feel like sharing a cute tale, I will completely steal something from my sister. Heck my shish, u didn't blog about this yourself, so that gives me the opening…My sister was at the synagogue meeting with the rabbi, or the cantor, but for purposes of this tale, we will call it the rabbi, she had the girls with her as it was a bat mitzvah meeting. Addie was with them, of course, and quietly sat coloring while the others were chatting away. Suddenly, the rabbi looked down at what Addie was drawing. He looked up at Lori and said….hmmm, interesting (o'k not sure exactly what he said, but that sounds good ) Lori looked down at Addie's drawing and just sighed….u see my dear niece Addie, the cutest six and half year old girl in the world, was happily drawing a picture of a Christmas Tree….in the rabbi's office!!! J

 

 

I love this

This is a picture from last week, when me and new mama Stephanie had our blind date. I love this girl. (That's me on the right :) )

Sending out some love

I can blog about a million things right now the way I'm feeling. I'll start with this one, the fact that I just left Newark Airport hysterically crying. Like a bad movie when the girlfriend says farewell to her man. Yep, that was me. My husband is on his way to Australia, and the worst part of the trip is the next two days. I can't phone or email him. I hate the feeling so much. Like you need the person so badly and you can't get to them. I hope my husband knows how much I really really love him. There were a few moments in the last twenty four that maybe we weren't the nicest to one another, it happens, but at the end of the day, he is all that matters to me. I love you Joey and you have the safest bestest trip. You are my husband, my love and the father of MY daughter. Enjoy MY stepchildren and have fun catching up with your friends and family. I love love love love love you. And call me as soon as you can.

 

The other thing on my mind is my dear friend Susan. Some stupid hiccups in her adoption process have left her upset all the way across the world. Her munchkin is so close to being hers, yet, still …. Why is this process so damn hard. Why is it that we, those of us in the adoption community, are constantly faced with craziness? Why can't it be simple!! Are the best things in life the hardest, most definitely I suppose? But come on…poor Susan, give the girl a break...pretty please. Susan, if you happen t read this, you are definitely not alone..this will all work out…hold tight. You are very very close. We love you!

Susan is in Russia!!! Follow along and send her good vibes...she meets the judge tomorrow!

The motions

Haven't blogged in awhile, been busy. Doing o'k, but also going through the motions.

Attended an industry Xmas party yesterday. Last year at the same party I had told friends about the adoption and I had envisioned that this year I would be carrying Lia-Rose's photo around bragging about my baby. But, it was fast forward 12 months and pretty much the same situation. O'k, there is a difference-I've grown spiritually, shrunk in dress size, met incredible friends, formed my support group, have connected with adoption experts and specialists. Lia is even closer to me than ever in spirit.

Is it o'k, to love someone so much who doesn't even exist? I am a mother in a way I was not one year ago. We are going through the motions but certainly getting closer.

 

In one of those "drive you crazy" moments …I was speaking with a nice woman, who yes I know meant well, but gave you the old "well I know someone that adopted one chinese daughter and then got a call from her agency that the daughter's biological mother had another baby and wanted the girls to be raised as sisters. I'll get you the number of the agency." First of all, thank you, you meant well. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! Chinese babies are abandoned and all record of parent is lost. The above scenario is impossible. Oh well, you grin and bear it. This is all part of the process.

 

My hubby leaves for Aussie on Monday for a month. My friend Gary is staying here with me, not on purpose, it just worked at that way. As much as I'm totally o'k by my lonesome, it will be nice to have company. I have a few business trips coming up and then a trip to see friends in San Francisco and family in Vegas. This Holiday season is going quickly; let's get through it and into 2008….and stop just going through the motions!

Hanukah

To my fellow Jewish friends….a happy and a healthy Hanukah! For each night we light a candle, let's say a little prayer for our children all over the world….whether here in the States, in Australia, China, Russia or Ethiopia…we wish you the joy of this special holiday.

 

"Oh Hanukah Oh Hanukah come light the menorah…."

A warm night on a very cold day

I had the pleasure last night to meet live and in person my dear friend Stephanie. A complete angel. We have been following each other's blogs for some time now and when we met, it felt like we knew each other forever. It was really cool to learn that we had a lot in common. Truly…a lot. As many of you know, the adoption journey is a very unusual experience. There are moments of true excitement, followed by tears and fears. You rebound on some days with great talk about your baby, and then the next you want to bury your head in the sand. I cannot say enough how important these new relationships mean to me. The friendship of every single one of you who comes to this blog. I feel closer to some of you, my dear friends, then I do with friends who I am bonded with simply by years of knowing one another. Stephanie, it was my pleasure meeting you last night. I am super excited for you to journey to your Samuel. xoxo

no idea what to title this

This is just one of those poasts that I am not sure what to title or where I am going with this. Last night was so much fun, and exactly what I needed. We went to fellow waiting family-Chris and Tim's home for dinner with them and other waiters-Paul and Denise and Erin and Michael. It is amazing to be in a room filled with people who you don't have to explain anything. They understand. I was taking about the fact that hitting the year mark has been hard for me. Suddenly my upbeat and positive attitude has hit rock bottom. Paul agreed and said they had gone thru the same thing at about that point as well. Keep in mind he and his wife have been waiting 22 months, almost 23. He told me you get to a point where you accept again...and exhale and just let it all unfold. There is not a thing u can do. The evening was fun and I had two glasses of wine, which really helped. Tonight little Miss Stephanie and I meet and I can not wait! I am sending early good wishes to Susan, who heads off to Russia on Wednesday!!! Toooo great! That is all for now. Smile Audrey! And Daniella ...get your tiny butt up here!

Can't explain it

The mood I'm in is very, well, I just can't explain it. I'll leave it at that.

We had our updated Home Study meeting this morning. I of course, was nervous. But, it was totally cool. The Social Worker sat with us about an hour and a half and besides just general "yentaing" we had a really great discussion about the Waiting Children's program. She has two daughters from China. One was a SN adoption (that's Special Needs)-a six year old-doll. Both girls are doing fine. It was a very enlighting conversation.

I still feel numb for some reason. I can't pin point it. But, I'm ready to just move forward, and am asking the Universe...to do your stuff!

On a positive note, tomorrow we are getting together with a bunch of Jersey Waiting Families over at our friends' Tim and Chris' home. And then on Monday ...I will have a great big treat when one of my favorite blogger/and now girlfriend Stephanie....the new MOMMY comes to town.

And finally, tonite I babysat my friends' daughter-Nyla. An eighteen month year old! We had the best time. She called Joe DaDa at one point and my dog Molly, Mol Mol.
I gave her two little books I had bought for Lia-Rose and she loved them, so I let her keep 'em. I read her a story about a Mommy adopting her Chinese baby, and she read it back to me and said...that's "Nyla's baby". It was sooo cute. And quite franky, just what the doctor ordered.

what to do

Trust me. This blog post is about to suck. If you are a waiting parent, you may want to sign off right now. If you are about to meet or have your baby, please do not let me spoil your mood. If you are related to me or a close friend, right now you are asked to please not say the word patience or I understand. I am sorry, you don't. I may sound all bitchy and pissed off. I am. This is going to be me very angry and completely sick of this situation. And I do not know what to do. It is that time of the month. Referral rumors. And they are not looking to good. Months ago, when we were two months into the four months it took to get through November 05, the big word out there was that December would mean a bit of a speed up. They were going to be able to get through more dossiers, faster. Then by 2008, they would do half months at a time. Bull-shit. Rumor has it that they will may be process another week. This is friggin' crazy. I mean come on! There is so unfair. Thousands of us are waiting. I know I know, there are the babies too waiting...that is another thing. But right now I am just over the top. At this rate it will take another three years to get my child. I truly am at.a loss for words. I swear I am getting older as is Joe. I want to be around as long as possible for this child. I want my parents to be here. I do not know what to do. All I want is to build a family. I have the right to mother. I have the desire. I want my child. I do not blame anyone for this. I am just begging for some sort of direction. I am pleading to the universe for some sort of sign that this will work out. I am tired. Tired of smiliing and being patient. Dear god, give me the strength to figure this out. We need something positive to keep us going. Plese, a sign, some direction. I love you all. Please do not comment and say this is going to work out or be patient. Right now there our hundreds of us that need to hear more. Tell me what to do.

A wonderful day

Mazel tov to you my dear Stephanie! I am so happy and thrilled for you.

You are a mommy!!!

 

How great is that???

13

....and rumor had it that Britney Spears is adopting 6 year old Chinese twins! Come on now!
Happy Lucky 13 to Daniella and Audrey. This one snuck up on me!

Happy One year to you Stephanie.

Sad but joyous goodbyes

Written November 25, 2007

We said goodbye today to my Uncle Max. The Temple overflowed with mourners. He was so loved by all. There were glowing stories told and memories replayed by all. It was certainly a walk down memory lane and reconfirmed to me how blessed I am with such a large very extended family. So many are very accomplished and educated. Very dedicated to their faith and values.

I have cried so many tears today. I cried for the loss of Max. I cried for my past and I cried for the future. As we drive home now in bumper to bumper Thanksgiving traffic, I look over at my hubby, who had been driving for hours now. I am so lucky to have him in my life. He is my home. He is my family.

Someone hugged me after the burial and said "so many memories. So much history." I suppose that life is all about creating that history, those memories that future generations will share. Now I do that with Joe. For you Lia and our family. For Adam and Annie, for your cousins Hayley-Sydney and Addie.

And a personal apology to Alysa. I am sorry about the change in plans. Just some major family obligation and all that. Xo

I love this kid

My beautiful niece Sydney Juliana....aren't I a lucky Aunt.
She is special on the inside and outside. I am beyond proud of her.
Love you Sydney.

Thanksgiving 2007

 

Happy Thanksgiving to you my dear friends. Some who I have never met, but feel like I know so much about through the generous words you share. And others, who I know "in person" and I thank you for your undying love and support.

 

Having gratitude and counting your blessings is truly away to stay positive and to keep affirming that beautiful energy. What a better time to remember what you are thankful for then Thanksgiving. In no particular order, I would like to list some of what this gal is thankful for this year.

I am thankful for having a man like Max Goldberg in my life. I am blessed that for over 40 years I have called this man my "Uncle" and every single time I was with him, he brought only joy and love to my life. I am thankful that he didn't suffer in his final hours and that he had some of his children by his side when he passed. I love you my Uncle Max.

I am thankful that I have two incredible parents, Joyce and Aaron, who today are celebrating 48 years of marriage! I am grateful for everything you have done for me and the love and concern you continue to share. I am thankful for having a daddy who knows how to use a cell phone and a mommy who still likes to talk to me every day. I am beyond thankful that I still have my mommy and daddy.

I am thankful for a husband who is the hardest worker I know. Who has sacrificed things in his life to be able to make a family with me. A husband who loves his children Adam and Annie so much and has room in his heart to love our daughter Lia-Rose. I am thankful for two great stepchildren who are open and honest with our circumstances and I'm so thankful that Joe can be with them this holiday season. I am also very proud of my stepson who in a few weeks time will have finished his four year training program and at 21 years old will have his "papers" and be certified in his auto mechanics.

I am thankful for an incredible sister and brother-in-law who love us unconditionally. I am thankful for three beautiful nieces, who are really coming into their own. I am thankful for a Bat Mitzvah celebration to look forward to in a few short months. I love you Sydney, Hayley and Addie

I am thankful that this morning Joe and I worked out at the gym. A year ago, my husband was having his hip replaced, this morning, he was working out. I am so thankful he is out of pain and can start working out again.

I am thankful for great friends I have made through this process—and you know who you are!!!

I am thankful for having a career that is going to blossom very soon…..more to come!

I am thankful for the health that I have been blessed with…and more importantly, my families' health.

I am thankful for all the new families that were formed and are being formed this year…Ann Marie, Zach and the most famous Czar of all time, Alexander; my dear friend Alysa who is expecting in a few weeks a (the very boring get fat way (Smile)); "my friend Susan "who will be on her way to Russia in two weeks!!!!; and little Miss Stephanie who is getting the phone call to change her life any minute now! I am so thankful and excited for all of you!

I am thankful for my perfect doggie-Molly Carroll

I am thankful for the 27^th of each month when I can say, another month down in our wait for Lia-Rose.

And now, on a much lighter note----I continue…..

 

I am so thankful for seeing Kate in May after she had lost 15 pounds. Her new body, blew me away, and the fact that she was the same age as I am. If it wasn't for feeling so fat that day and seeing her at the same time…I wouldn't have lost all the weight I have (25 to 26 pounds)! Thank you Nutri-System.

I am thankful for the great new clothes "I just had to get!"

I am thankful for the elliptical machine at the gym positioned far from the air conditioner vent

I am thankful for 100 calorie Yoplait yogurt-Apple Turnover

I am thankful for the new Farmer's Market that opened in town-great fruit

I am thankful that in just a little over a year we will have a new President and the 'Weapons of Mass Destruction in Washington DC will head back to Texas. See ya!

I am thankful for Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte's return to the streets of NYC. I can't wait till May when the movie opens!

I am thankful for the sale at Kenneth Cole and my great new boots.

I am thankful for George Clooney and Patrick Dempsey and the guy from Law and Order, Chris Melioto or something like that, and the fact that men my age are still really handsome.

I am thankful we aren't sure if Tony Soprano died or not, that would have actually been really sad to think of him as dead

I am thankful for Simon Cowell and another year of American Idol to gab about with my sister.

I am thankful for Dunkin Donuts and Bagel Buffet Iced Decaf coffee

 

And, of course finally…..and I scream it out to the world…I am thankful for the strength I have found that helps me endure the challenges, the ups and downs of this roller coaster ride we call International Adoption.

Lia-Rose, I am thankful for the idea, the thought and the reality of you , my daughter!

 

Happy Thanksgiving to you all…let's go eat Turkey!

 

Rest in Peace

This morning I prayed deeply to g-d to let my Uncle Max go. Peacefully, calmly and knowing that he was beloved by all. He passed today at 9:30am. I will miss you forever. G-d bless you my dear Uncle Max.

just about blogging

It is the day before thanksgiving and you know what that means? Gridlock alert! It is 7:30 or so in the morning and the bus lane is already backed up! The joy of the daily commute. Luckily I can spend the time blogging, after all it is all about a good blog post. (Smile). No updates on my Uncle. He is now at a hospice. I feel terrible for my auntie and their kids. Perhaps this waiting is good for all of us in a sense. Does it help us accept what will be?

Anyway, not to much happening in our world. Although next week hopefully I can unveil what my "new world" will look like.

Joe and I needed a second car, and wanted basic and simple, not to mention cheap. We have a really nice Acura SUV so something to compliment. But half the price. So this year instead of getting our Lia we got our Kia! We picked up a little Kia Optima sedan. Although I feel as if I am in a rental car, it is very nice. At the dealership I realized this was the car when at the final moment of decision a two white women and their Chinese daughters walked in! I know, I am totally over-reaching. But the car salesman was happy that that helped my decision.

By the way, any typos, sorry, on my blackberry. So gotta go for now...the bus actually just made it to the tunnel! Happy day...

A moment to smile

Let's smile today....and go to Susan's blog...this is funny! Too funny.

Corner of the Sky

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers for my dear Uncle. He has been moved to a Hospice and we still wait. We wait for a peaceful passing. He is resting comfortably.

I've been thinking tons this weekend of my life. Feeling older and wiser, in some ways but yet the same girl who used to not want to sleep without her sister snuggled beside her. How did life go so fast? How did I wake up and suddenly become a middle-aged woman. (Yes, expecting a baby) but, I am supposedly middle-aged. I don't feel it at all. My parents and their siblings are aging. I'm losing relatives I love. In a few months my step-son (and although I haven't been in his life for long) will turn 21. My step-daughter Annie and niece Hayley are 14. Syd and Hayley will be having their Bat Mitzvah this spring. And Addie, she will be seven years old. It goes just like that.

 

One day we are dancing at your own Bat Mitzvah, opening gifts at your Sweet Sixteen, your Grandmom Rose dies, followed by the others, then you are graduating College, starting your first job and moving out on your own. Before you know it, you are driving up the NJ Turnpike and moving to NYC. You become the happiest girl on earth when your nieces are born. Then poof, your turning forty and meeting the man of your dreams. Its life, it moves quickly and we keep growing and looking for what will make us happy and peaceful.

In Sixth Grade we sang "Corner of the Sky" from Pippen as our graduating song. It always makes me cry. I thought of this song tonight for so many reasons. I thought I've myself, once singing this song and dreaming of big future. I thought of my baby…who truly is my reason. And most importantly, my Uncle, on his way to finding his corner of the sky…

 

I share with you the words. I wish I could download it here.

Corner of the Sky:

Everything has its season
Everything has its time
Show me a reason and I'll soon show you a rhyme
Cats fit on the windowsill
Children fit in the snow
Why do I feel I don't fit in anywhere I go?

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

Every man has his daydreams
Every man has his goal
People like the way dreams have
Of sticking to the soul
Thunderclouds have their lightning
Nightingales have their song
And don't you see I want my life to be
Something more than long....

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

So many men seem destined
To settle for something small
But I won't rest until I know I'll have it all
So don't ask where I'm going
Just listen when I'm gone
And far away you'll hear me singing
Softly to the dawn:

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

the cycle of our lives

I am so sad. I mean walkin around and trying not to cry sad. My uncle, my dear, sweet wonderfully special Max is on his deathbed. We await the call and are just about on our way there. He is passing, passing on to a place where he can rest. Where his soul will shine on forever. Oh Lia-Rose. I am thinking so much about you now. Trying to stay focused on our future but so very sad that Max will never see me as a mother and you will never meet him. His leaving us is hitting me hard. A smart older friend of my says she keeps her emotions in check because it is what happens in life. I can not accept that at face value. I understand that people age and then die, but that natural cycle still makes me sad. It makes angry. I do not want to lose anyone I love. Perhaps this adoption situation makes these life-cycle events have more significance. You want everyone to mmet your child, you see the months fly by and the so many that you love begin to age. You worry. You slowly move out of the middle generation into the older. You still are not a parent. Life is moving at lightening speed and you are just no closer. So I will mourn this loss. I will pray that in the next few hours he can peacefully pass on. He can rest an exhale. The beautiful news is that I know there will be one more angel in heaven soon. One more spirit for me to pray to. And I know he will join both Joe and my loved ones watching over my family here and in Australia and England. And of course, our baby in China. Be at peace Max.

I found this picture. This was on the morning of my wedding. It was a wet dreary day and Uncle Max and Aunt Reeva flew in from DC. They arrived early and as I was leaving the hotel...look who I saw...My Uncle Max. I was completely overwhelmed to see him. This photo caught that feeling that I had.




Aunt Reeva and Uncle Max at my wedding! Such a happy day!

Your prayers please

Tonite I ask all my friends in blogger land to say a prayer for someone who I love so much. My dear Uncle Max is very very ill. Uncle Max is actually my second cousin. I grew up knowing him as Uncle and at times I was closer to him then some of my "real" Uncles. He lives in DC with my Aunt Reeva. The two of them are truly two of my favorite people in the whole wide world. I have memories of being with them growing up. The Jewish holidays spent with the them in DC. Family events. And then finally as an adult, hanging with them and drinking Manhattans in Manhattan. They are so dear to me. I feel so close to them. I adore them both. They were thrilled when I married Joe. In fact they flew up here on the Shuttle to be with me. A memory I will never ever forget. When I told them about Lia-Rose, they were thrilled. They knew how much I wanted to be a mommy. Fast forward to today. Uncle is not doing well. He has a high fever, infections and pneumonia. He needs your prayers. When I saw him in July he was driving! We had dinner and he was telling me how much he loved his wife. He was running to the supermarket everyday. Doing errands. He was still trying to live his life. Uncle Max was a brilliant attorney in his day. He traveled the world and was active in his Temple.

He has a smile that lights up a room. A glimmer in his eye when he "kibbutzes" with you. Uncle Max, I love you. I want you to get better and live to see my daughter come home from China. I love you from the bottom of my heart. Please rest tonite and may tomorrow bring you health and strength. Please, say a prayer for my Uncle. For my dear Uncle Max.

6 Years Old and Five Broadway Shows

It's been a crazy few days of running around and spending time with my sister, kids and unfortunetly not much time with the husband. But a fun, if at times filled with 14 year old angst, was had by all. Not that any of this is really that interesting except to my sister and myself...I do document this as a journal for L-R. So bear with me.

Wednesday and Thursday I flew down to DC for some personal business. Very quick (sorry Alysa) and productive. Flew the shuttle back on Thursday afternoon and my 45 minute flight took four hours with flight delays and traffic. Note to self, take the Acela next time.

Friday Lori et al arrived. We had tickets to see Hairspray! Again, traffic marked the event. My five mile ride into the city took 90 minutes...at 3:30p! Anyway, found a cool restaurant in Zagets, "Spotlight" and arranged for a dinner reserveration at 5:30. "My friend Susan" (who by the way got her tenative court date!!!! Yea haw!!! (No "ken-a-hera's" yiddish for don't jinx it by talking much right now). We entered into a huge restaurant with stage, I mean a stage ...imagine a big dinner theater type feeling..better yet, a theater in a casino or cruise ship. Anyway, the stage had background singers, professional ones. And the audience (us) would get to go on an sing -karoke style-with them. Great concept. What they neglected to tell us was that Jason (or Justin) and Morgan, two very cute 8 and 10 year old Manhattan type children were having their birthday parties there! Omigod! Yikes. What I can tell you is that this age group loves High School Musical and Hairspray....I think we heard the same songs, over and over again! Lori, Hayley and myself got up for one =Seasons of Love -which actually felt like we were in RENT with our very ethnically diverse background singers. Lori got up for her famous rendition of Hit Me with Your Best Shot. Thanks for posting it Sus!

Anyway, after a very over-priced and noisy dinner we said good bye to Susan and we were off to Hairspray. It was amazing! I glanced over at Lori several times through out the show and she had a huge smile on her face. Sydney told me that Hairspray was her favorite. Hayley said that Legally BLonde and then Hairspray were her favs. And Addie...she loved it too! And then it hit me... this kid is six years old...and has seen five Broadway shows!!! That was our joke all weekend, and she would giggle each time I would say it...until she finally said, it's not funny anymore Aunt Wendi!

SO the show ends and we do what we do best, we stand outside the stage door and wait for the cast members. This has become a tradition for us. It was worth standing in the rain! We met them all! Lance Bass (Hayley was screaming!!!),




we met George Wednt from Cheers who played "Mama" (and we thought he was going to have heart attack on stage! OY! ), the gal who played Tracy-Marissa Perry=stopped and talked to Addie! It was so much fun.

Really great memories on Broadway for us. And yes, Addie gets so shy!

Yesterday it was hanging out (and putting up with some whining from a nameless child). Then onto see Bee Movie! Favorite line : "I met someone" "Is she a WASP?" "I hope she is Bee-ish"! Adorable. And we got Addie's outfit for the Bat Matvah. Can I say "Princess?". Beautiful!

TOday, I said goodbye to my favorites and actually went by myself to see Fred Claus. I loved it. But I am a geek.

Anyway, listening to the Hairspray soundtrack now. ....."Good Morning Baltimore"! Hope your weekend was great!

Sometimes life gets in the way of rainbows

I didn’t blog about this until now because everything is totally fine. But I did have a small little hiccup in my mammogram a few weeks ago. Panic set in when I go the call to go back and get more shots. Something didn’t look right. My doctors both called me and assured me they thought it would be fine. The scheduling nurse at the mammogram facitlity did as well. But, you still panic. You panic that your whole future can change in the blink of any eye. The idea of having a baby. Forget about that. The thoughts were just that. Thoughts. Today I went back and all was o’k. There was nothing there. Nothing.

But, I had to go back there for a reason.. And now I realize why I went there today at just the time a beautiful woman named Mary walked in.

We both sat in our robes awaiting the technician. I was so nervous. Mary was too. She sat talking on the phone.

Her phone rang and the sound of a little girl’s voice rang out as her ring-tone. I smiled and asked her who that was and she said, my daughter. She went on to say, my daughter is dead. We then both broke down and cried. And cried. And cried. I went over to her and hugged her. She asked me if I had a daughter. I told her I was adopting and it was far off. She smiled and said that was wonderful. She told me this was the first time she had really ventured out.

Her daughter Stella died just nine months ago at the age of 6 from Leukemia. She was an absolutely gorgeous child. Her family, father-mother, and three older brothers are devastated, of course. The family has used this raw horrible sadness and started a foundation “The Stella Linado Rainbow Foundation”. Stella loved rainbows her mommy told me. They are determined to help beat this disease through education and research. On November 29th they are doing a big concert in the city as a major fundraiser.



Check out the website: stellasrainbowfoundation.org. There are also more photos of her. Donate. Hug your children. Your pets. Your husband. We are blessed. I am grateful my pain is just the pain of this long wait. I am grateful that I can deal with this. I have my health. I have my family.

God bless Mary and her family. I am going to help her by trying to spread the word to some of my media friends. They are one special family. Sometimes life gets in the way of rainbows.

A wonderful story

Fantastic! Just watched and just stopped crying!
Watch this

Hit "Never too late" Episodes 1-3.
I loved this

dear child of mine

Dear child of mine,

I have dreamt about you my whole life long. I wonder how you feel, how you sound how you smell. I have visions of you. A smile, a laugh, even a cry. I wonder sometimes how to still believe. Will my dream come true or is this destined to not be? To believe is hard. It is trying. It is very painful. I have heard that we are given in life what we can handle. Am I capable of staying true to my dream? To not letting the fear divide me from my path? Is this a test of faith? A test of desire? Am I meant to mother? To raise a human being?

Dear child of mine, so far away yet closer then ever. Please give mr a break. Give us an indication that holding on is the right thing to do. Please, dear child of mine, come to be.


Post script-thank you Susan. It is ok to give in. Give up and just let it be. It is ok.....love is no less...it just is.

a ok

My procedure went well yesterday. Aside from some cramps (truly mild) and a bit of post-procedure woozy-ness, I am fine. My anesthigiologist (totally spelled wrong, I know) was a Chinese woman. She was so nice and I asked her to wake me up saying "Nee How". It was funny because I was yapping away to her about my adoption as my doctor, the very same one who tried to get me pregnant stood by. I just thought it so ironic. But all this is over. That is good.

The other night I was at a fanastic very NY charity dinner. Sat right next to me was a very beautiful young woman. She told me her age (young twenties) and then I gasped that I although I would have been very young, could have been her mom. Add to that she was Chinese and we laughed, because of course I told her my daughter is waiting for me in China, she called herself "my daughter in the future". I loved that. We were having an interesting discussion about what her Chinese culture meant to her and she said, family, food and who she is or isn't supposed to be with. I am paraphrasing, but in many ways I would answer the very same thing.about what being Jewish means to me.

I have to thank my friend Daniella for the very special surprise. I am going to try to find a picture of it to post, I am lame, I do not know how to download pics very well...it is a handmade gift just for Lia-Rose (a small blankie that a fellow blgger designs) it is fantastic and I know her daughter Mimi will be holding hers along with L-R in China! D it was reallyso sweet of you. I love the color choice! You got me!

Last nite I watched Private Practice, which I may like bettter then Grey's...there was a storyline about a woman with a serious disease who was trying not to have a baby because she was going to die. Addison, and not my niece but the character, said to her that everyone has the right in life to live the life they choose and have the children they desire. I agree with that sentiment. These days are not easy days for me. I fight everyday to believe, to hold faith, to stay positive. I have the right to be a mother. It is a need deep inside of me. I have my punching gloves on and I am going to fight through this wait.

10-27-07

Dear Lia-Rose,
One year ago today, a neatly package file named Wendi/Joe was brought over to the desk of a hard worker in China. They took a stamp and marked it "Logged in 10/27/06". At the time the file went on the bottom of a very a large pile. And the file sat...getting to know other files. The file right next to Wendi/Joe, in fact maybe even wrapped in a rubberband together was Audrey/Jeff. They became really great friends. Wendi/Joe started meeting other files. There was one called Daniella/Joseph and Joseph Jr. They were right near Wendi/Joe and Audrey/Jeff. They all became wonderful friends.


A month or so later, other files came...and suddenly behind and in front of them were lots and lots of files. You see, Lia-Rose, all of these files were there for the same reason. They weren't just pieces of paper and pictures. These files represent real families. Real people who all in their hearts knew their daughters and sons were in China. They were all looking to be matched with the perfect baby that they are supposed to be with. The perfect child who is meant to be with them. The baby who they will love forever and ever.

But Lia-Rose,when the files first came to China they thought they would only be there for a year to 14 months before they met that perfect baby. But that isn't to be. And this is where the story gets a little scary. They just don't know how long it will be.

But here's the thing Lia-Rose, and this is the moral to this story....these families love their babies in China so much, that they will wait until they are supposed to wait. They are holding tough. They aren't asking that their files be moved. They wait. They pray. They dream. For one day Lia-Rose, this will be all but a story. The story of the long wait for your mommy and daddy's dream to come true. We love you so much already, and our arms can't wait to hold you.

Happy One Year LID to my fellow 10/27/06'ers. (Happy 11th Stephanie!)



xoxo
Mommy and Daddy

Soul Food

I just realized I haven’t posted all week. I hate to say I needed a break, because that is ever so dramatic…”I need a blog break”, but whatever. I just didn’t feel like saying or sharing or just even being online. How bleak do I sound? I just haven’t felt well all week. My cycle is completely messed up which has, and to many of you, thank you for asking, pushed my surgery back a week. It’s so cute, the coordinating surgical nurse from my doctor’s office calls me everyday, “did u get it yet?” My surgery should be next Wednesday.

.O’k, so this may sound immature, but there are two fourteen year olds in my life, who just don’t return an email or a phone call anymore. I hate that. I hate that I am so uncool or whatever that neither of them will take the time to get back to me. I won’t say their names, but I love them both so much. And, I want to hear from them. Thank goodness for a 12 ½ year old and a 6 year old who at least will take my calls!

Tomorrow is the day I have been waiting for. It’s October 27th! I can’t wait. This was the day that I set as a benchmark when I started my diet. I mark the day by eating whatever it is that I want. Now I will not go crazy. There is only one thing that I have been waiting and waiting for. It’s round, it’s soft, it’s creamy and it’s my soul-food. I am splurging with a delicious whole wheat bagel (and it is not small) vegetable cream cheese, lettuce, tomato, lox and onion. Bagel Buffet here I come! It’s my Jewish soul-food baby, and tomorrow I am feeding my soul. It’s our one year log in. Need I say more?

Stranger things have happened

So many of us connect on the internet. I met my hubby...and of course YOU this way.
So I was thinking in twenty years...well maybe 15, do you think this could be a match...this is Daniella's son and my niece Addie. What do you think?

Just too damn cute....

My soccer champion niece Addie!

Well, it got the scale to move

Yikes, I was sick. I do not want to get in details but I was in pain, had a fever and vomiting for about 12 hours. I mean the kind of sick where the only relief at times was lying my head on the bathroom floor. I also found that when trying to decrease a fever and taking tylenol won't work because you throw it up, you can find relief in a bathtub. I jus soaked in my hot hot bath, I'm talking like six times for 30 minutes a pop. I have no idea why, but it helped. It was one of those days that just disappeared. Today, weak but so much better. I did lose a few pounds...not a great way to get the scale to move...but heck it worked. I have brunch plans today in the city...it's turning into a celebration for Susan...although I won't be looking or feeling my best(and certainly can't drink champagne) I'm going to give it a go. On another note, am starting our homestudy update. It's funny,the forms say for homestudy update only submit the * items. How come everyone of them are *?

stuck in traffic

I live about five miles from Times Square, right outside in New JerseyM five miles should take how long? New York City time.... Sometimes forty minutes to 90! No joke. Commuting around this down is draining and I ride the bus.

So I am stuck in traffic, and on my way in to first get a ton of blood tests. I am having minor gyn procedure nxt week. Going back to reproductive doc's office. Lucky me. But, truly lucky me because the procedure is pretty simple. I will just be knocked out nxt Wednesday.

This has been a long week. Joe and I had two sets of visitors from Australia this week. One was my stepdaughter,s best friend and familyM it was really fun to see them. We took them to a great and festive Mexican Restaurant on the Upper West Side, my old hood and favorite neighborhood in NYC. Also home by the way to my friend SusanN who had some incredible miraculous news yesterday!

Other random news, I am stuck on a number on the scale and publically putting out my intention to pick up my activity level. So with gym bag in hand, I will start today! I am feeling great with the weight back to where I should be,bbut losing five to ten more would be great and doable.

My teleconference was a good success. I am actually going to summarize in a seperate post. It was hard to take notes cuz I was the interviewer as well as the hostess.

I am having lunch today with an okd friend who on the side gets bppaid to do psychic readings. She is good...and you know the question I am tempted to ask... Lori it is not E.

AnywayN thanks for riding NJTransit with me. Pulling into Port Authorty now. Will fix typos later!



Addendum. My friends I am sitting at the doctor's office for my pre-op. Remember this is my old reproductive doc who is doing this. Every morning between 7 and 9:30 a they have monitoring hours. I came in the past to test my ovulation or take bloods to check my hormone levels. I do not remember the lobby looking like this. I am overwhelmed to say the least. There must be fifty people here. Men and women. Sassy looking career women, the suburban mom, the classy looking gal from Brooklyn, the couple arguing in the corner. A shared experience by all. There is one woman who brought her two year old son. He is crying right now. As tense as this lobby is, it is ironic that the sound we hear right now is the sound we all long to hear one day. I want to get out of here fast! I just looked at my wrist. Saw my red threads. It will be ok. We are all finding our way to our babies.

Susan...for you!

another day in the wait

It iis ten pm and I am on line at the Port Authority. Had a last minute invite for theatre tonight with a friend. Saw the very incredible Bronx Tale. Amazing that almost twenty characters are acted out by one man. It is just another day in the wait

The weather in the city is caught in between a cool summer day and a warm fall day. Some people are wearing boots and sweaters, others in t shirts and flip flops. It is just another day in the wait.

Tomorrow night is my second teleconference. We are discussing attachment as well as issues we sre facing during this wait. Dr Susan is speaking. It is just another day in the wait.

I spoke to my dear Daniella today. We both have wrists adorned in red threads. We are both pushing to stay strong. It is just another day in the wait.

Ok, I am sitting on the bus and aside from there being no smoking...excuse me but it smells like a Frampton (totally old reference) concert from the seventies... Someone is smoking a joint! LOL...it is just another day in the wait!!!!

Baths, bifocals and breast exams

So last night I tool a very hot long bath. Joe and I have a fantastic big jacuzzi bath in our bathroom. Not that it is that big, but my nieces bring their bathing suits for it.(Plus fill it with bubbles). Anyway, I decided to really meditate. Or at least try.Usually when I meditate I over-think it. But not last night. My mind was silenced. My heart clear. These words came to me.."Your daughter is not in China." I silently gasped. Thought what the hell? I silenced myself again. It took some time and then I heard " she is not yet born". And I heard that several times. I can understand that to be true and I was strangely renewed. Again, if she not yet born, how can I be with her? I also felt a large pregnant belly. Not mine. But a belly....hmmmmm

I got bifocals. I hate them. Can't seem to hold my head the right way.

I had my breast mammogrammed today. Ouch! I kept thinking of the baby. Of staying healthy for L-R. It still hurt like hell...but baby in mind keeps me strong.

From blue to red

Feeling much brighter today. Spent yesterday afternoon with my parents and my aunts and uncles. We spoke about Lia-Rose. It felt real again. We went shopping, and you know what, a few new (size 6 petite, yes me in size 6 petite) pants did help the spirit. Shallow, but true. It feels real again. Came home and my new red threads have arrived. One is already on my wrist. It feels real again. Baby will come home!

A true case of the blues

So I admit it. I have the blues. The kind where you want to cry over a gallon of ice-cream. Where even a shopping spree for new pants cause your old ones are too baggy on you won't cheer you up. The kind that we are all feeling right now. I attribute my blues to the fact that our one year LID is really just around the corner. Instead of feeling happy...'yeah I am 12 months closer', I feel a little disillusioned and detached. We all know the story, we have heard it on numerous accounts. The wait times have increased, and the scary part is they keep increasing. It's the strangest way to get to goal that I have ever ever experienced. Usually, you start something, you have the steps in mind to help you get there, you have a timetable for completion, and then it's done. Imagine a football game with no ending. You keep running down the field and there is no goal post in sight. How do u score that touchdown? That's what I feel like today. A quarterback taking the ball and just running...running and running. I have no idea where the football references are coming from my friends, I am so not really a football fan. I guess it's the fall weather and the fact that the town I live in is across the river from Giants Stadium. You can smell football in the air at this time of year.

Anyway, I really want my blues to clear up. I am sick of this nagging feeling. I notice I am doubting more, and I don't want to. I want to continue to believe. Believe that this is going to happen.

My red thread bracelet broke this week. Joe and I had purchased several last year and both have worn them. My stepdaughter Annie too. It was a symbol for me that we were all in this together. And this was happening. Both of their bracelets broke months ago and we got them new ones....mine didn't. I saw that as some sort of sign (you know me, everything is a sign) Anyway...it broke this week. I asked Joe, did he think it meant something. He said yes, it meant that the thread wore out and I needed to get a new one. He is right. It means nothing. I can't change anything. I need to stay true to myself and really believe.

I ordered new red threads and I should get them later today. I think it will just make me feel better seeing them. Anyway, I am rambling right now. And that's o'k too. The best way to beat the blues is to let your feelings out. To share them and to just know that they are feelings. They are not fact. Keep believing...keep believing!

The morning after

So funny. I re-read my blog posting last nite. I purposefully kept the typos in, thought it was funny. It truly was a great night and I am really proud. I have been doing special events and promotions for many many years. I very naturally am a "producer", so I have great joy in running around in high heels with a clip board trying to keep track of a show. Years ago, I worked for a big radio station in town that catered to the hip hop crowd. It's a shame, my niece's and stepchildren (who actually weren't even in my life yet) would have thought I was totally cool back then. I worked with some very well-known artists including Queen Latifah, P-Diddy-Sean Combs-Puff Daddy (whatever you want to call him) and my favorite, Coolio (not that famous, but love saying his name)
. I also worked with some very classic performers such as Ashford and Simpson, Roberta Flack, Issac Hayes
, Barry White and Kool and the Gang. I guess today I am a bit reflective about the all of this today because I am "post event tired" (p.e.t.) I've been doing all of this for a really really long time. One day I will share stories with Lia-Rose....tell her how important it is, especially as a woman, to enjoy your career and to do exciting projects that always keep you energized and challenged. I know that some won't agree with me. But for me, being a working woman, and then working mother, is important. I do not take away anything that Stay at Home Mom's (SAHM's) bring to the table. In fact, I truly admire you for that. For me though, I feel that being a Woman who works, it is a way for me also to help shape the path for other young women for generations to come. I work with alot of younger girls...my interns, the young twenty-something's just starting out in the career. I am glad that I can in a sense be a role model of being a working woman. I think it's important for young girls to know that if they want to work and have a career, it's doable. It wasn't that many years ago that our mothers and grandmom's were not able to have the same advantages in the world that we do. The great news about the world now is that women do have a choice. You can work. Or you can not. It's in your hands to make that choice. Whatever serves you the best. We have the choice. I am so happy to see Hilary Clinton
doing so well in the recent polls. For anyone who knows me well, you know that I love her. (no political discourse here) But this is the first time a woman is really being taken seriously in a Presidential Race. This is great for all of us. (Btw the same for Obama Barak. It's important that children of color know that there are opportunities like this for all of us) Anyway, I have no idea why this post went to this place. But the bottom line is this. SAHM or Working Mom....we are examples for our children. What an incredible responsibility and legacy we can pass on.

newsmakers

Yes, SusanN I am bloggung on my blackberry. Just left you....anyway, in between adoption stuff I have a job. A job that for the past three years entails me producing a big event on 10-10. For the past six to nine months, I had a team of people who helped me find outstanding New YorkersM it is a program I basically built from scratch. Anywya, we found twenty five fantastic people, there has been voting going on. They have been featurd on the radio, online, in the newspaper an on tv. Five were selected as the top and tonight I produced a cocktail party awards reception. So great. So much fun. We had 370 people. Susan was there, and actually Ann Marie did the art work for program and signs. I am tired. But it was fantastic and I had a few pieces of sashimi to celbrate. We made a difference in a lot of people's life tonight! This is the great part of work!

i want to be in the show!

When I was younger and not living my fullest life, I used to feel as though I was the greatest audience. I'd watch other people have these great things happen to them and I would cheer them on. I was the audience member that would laugh at the jokes, applaid the loudest and always demand an encore. Whether it was watching someone get wed or have their first then second child, Their life was star attraction. I was lucky to be an understudy. Anyway, after many years of self growth and many many shifts, I realized I had been on centerstage myself, the whole time. So fast forward to now. I sit, back in the audience filled with others like YOU. We watch the ever unfolding drama, that at many times plays like a tragic comedy, and watch others on the stage moving forward with their plans. Families are growing, plans are being made. Life is happening. For the audience, we applaud those before us and cheer them on, sincerely and honestly. We ache to take part ....a chance to feel what it feels like on that stage. A chance to look over at others and see them cheering for us. I do take a certain comfort in the audience. I have been here before. But whoever is casting this show, I am damn ready for that lead. I am ready to take center-stage!

Feel like I should write something..so I did

It's funny, I feel very compelled to write in my blog, even if I have not much to say, certainly not much about the adoption....nothing has changed. We wait. We love Lia-Rose. We are frustrated with the wait like everyone else....it so is....what it is....nothing more can be said....so I'll ramble. Ramble about whatever comes to my mind. So I did.

It's October and it feels like August 25th. Women in the city today were actually wearing very short halter sun=dresses and sandals. Shorts and flip flops. This is October. My leather coat...opps, I don't have one anymore, but if I did I would want to wear it. I wanna wear my leather boots and a sweater. So I did.

I have plauteaued on my diet (24 pounds). I went to Nutri-System.com and looked up what to do when this happens. They said one idea is to eat dinner for lunch and lunch for dinner. To shift aruond your calories. So I did.

I worked out at the gym tonight and spent more time lifting weights then doing cardio, I heard that on XM Radio, Oprah Show. Heard some author talk about how that's really the way to do. So I did.


I went out to lunch today (I guess it was dinner, reference above) to have my salad. I saw a White woman and her Chinese daughters. I wanted to stare at them. So I did.

I have a huge event that I am producing on Wednesday nite. It's an awards ceremony for something we call 1010 WINS Tomorrow's Newsmakers. Expecting 300 people. (Ann Marie did u do my artwork?) I need my black dress ironed. I don't iron. My husband does. I should ask him. So I did.

I have class tonite. Yes, an Advance Corporate Coaching class. It's a 10pm class. I have to take it. So I did.

I have nothing really important to say. I should stop. So I did.

14! going on...OY!

No not months logged in but the age today of my oldest neice Hayley Rose! Happy birthday my Haylzz. I swear, I remember it like yesterday. "Wendi it is time. You better get down here." My mother said to me as she woke me up at something like five am. The Phillies were in the Playoffs and the whole town had baseball fever but all I cared about when I entered the city of brotherly love on the Amtrak from NYC was that my sister was going to have a baby. I honestly was never so excited. I made it to the hospital just in time, got to see Lori right before labor and soon heard the words that will always be logged into my memory..."It's a girl, It's a girl" shouted throught-out the hallways by Grandmom! Our lives have never been the same! Hayley and then soon after her sisters became a great part of my life. At times for me, everything revolved around them. Hayley is fourteen today and I can hardly believe it. In typical teen fashion, I suppose Aunt Wendi is not as cool as she once was, but our bond is unbreakable. Hayley is sensational. Smart, creative, self-confident in a way that ( and Lori will agree with me) neither of us were.she is a beauty on the inside and out! I want for her happiness and peace in her life. I also want her to remember that she is the prize and I pray she continues to have the self-respect that more importantly than ever we want our young women to have. Hayley and I have an expression that came from a trip we took when she was five and Sydney was 3.5, we kept gettng "stuck" together because Syd just wanted mommy. Haylz and I would look at each other and say, "once again, it's Hayley and Aunt Wendi!" I hope we can look at each other for many years to come, saying the same thing!!! Happy Birthday !!!! And, this year's gift is...drumroll please......Hairspray on Broadway!!! I love Haylzz!





Another thought….

When I was single girl, I read my horoscope every single day….why of course, was I going to meet him today? Anyway, I really stopped checking in to that part of the paper. Today, I was reading the “If it’s your birthday today” part to see what the world had in store for Hayley….and I glanced at mine…..Taurus. Wow…can you say, I believe!

Eventually good fortune makes its way to the Taurean corner of the world. Your ability to PATIENTLY WAIT YOUR TURN makes you one of life’s winners. This steady perseverance can outrun anyone else in the game. When the going gets tough, most people bail out without a second thought. This leaves the playing field free for those who remain….YOU.

Caution, danger zone

This is not one of those cheery posts. Not one of those I feel in control posts. I questioned whether or not to write it and for a number of reasons I decided I would. First off, these feelings are festering inside of me and I need to let it go. Secondly, maybe your feeling the same way today and knowing that someone else is going through a similar emotion will make you feel better. Thirdly, some points of your "pregnancy" are more difficult then others. This is one of those times for me. Please, I know exactly what your thinking and what you are sayin, "it is all going to be ok", "your that much closer"yada yada. I can not hear that today. Today I lack belief. I said it. Today I feel beat up and knocked down. Today I wonder, when? I do not mean to upset you more, because I know that you are going thru the same thing. But today it really hurts. It can not be the "why me" because there are thousands upon thousands of people out there going thru the same thing. There are, more importantly thousands of babies in orphanages looking for their mommies and daddies. Oh why does it have to be so hard to bring us together. Why does it have to take so long? I feel like hiding under a rock today. Like staying in bed all day and sleeping. But, I won't. I will grin and bear this huge pain. I will pretend it doesn't hurt. I will remember there is always tomorrow. Tomorrow maybe there will be a change.