Aunt Wendi and Addie take Manhattan

Addie wanted to go to the American Girl store so much. Addie and mommy were scheduled to come in on Friday and the plan was we were all going to go into the city and have a playdate at the store. Poor Lori has a broken toe which won't heal because Lori won't stay off of it...so walking around the city would be not in her plans. We couldn't disappoint Addie...it was all she was looking forward to during Spring break...so, Aunt Wendi went down, brought her up ...and tothe American Girl Store we went. What a day...four and half hours there...we took a lunch break..but we had to wait for her doll Rebecca to visit the Hair Salon. Two hours and $10 later, the doll's hair was brushed out, nice and straight ...five minutes and one NYC breeze later it was back to looking the same...but who cares..Addie had fun!!! We came home and pulled out the hairkit we bought her as well as the new outfit...we had a ball and suddenly although she wouldn't talk to Joe for the first half hour..she decided to do his hair too. See picture below. Too cute....I loved hanging with her...so much fun....she let me "play" her mommy and I loved every minute of it. Lori, Gregg and Syd just came up to retrieve her..but thanks for letting me borrow Addie...she is the bestest!!! xoox

PS Anonnie is back and met her daughter!!!!

I am so lame

Lori and I had a discussion about how lame our blogs are. Well, mine. Her's is still cooler than mine, according to her daughter Sydney, because it is not about adoption. Note, we believe that Sydney may think that all blogs are about is adoption because that is how she was introduced to the world of blogging.

My blog is totally lame lately. I have nothing really to say except how miserable I am about this wait.(Or happy birthday to my husband) I am tired of hearing myself complain. So, I don't really write much. I don't feel inspired to. I feel freakin' beaten up and just wounded. I am not a victim and I'm tired of playing one in cyber space. I am just a pissed off woman. And by the way, I don't' like to be that character either. I am a positive, powerful woman. By the way, that is a quote from my Coach, not from me personally…the powerful part. I am generally positive…and hate hate hate hate, did I say hate how this wait is draining me and causing me angst. Isn't this the part of motherhood supposed to be fun? To be filled with food cravings and shopping? To be filled with excitement and baby showers? By the way, I wouldn't be having a baby shower as a Jew, but that's another issue. Bottom-line…I'm tired of not being happy. I am tired of just working and burying my head into projects and paying my bills. I am tired of not having fun and living life right now. I am really not …I'm just going thru motions until I get some news about my baby. So, I announce to the world…right now… Enough being caught up in sorrow and frustration.

I am going to live in the moment. I am living life like this baby is really coming, and more importantly like I HAVE THE LIFE THAT I HAVE. Enough being lame. Thanks Lor. Now update your much better according to Sydney blog!

I am patient

17 months logged in.

Happy Birthday to my Husband Joe

 

To you my husband, I wish you health and happiness. I love you and thank you for just letting me be me.

You are the best. I love you forever.

 

Love, W

Another email message to me

"Impatience is a sign of hurrying; hurrying is a sign of worrying; worrying is a sign of fear; and fear is a sign, Wendi, that someone has temporarily forgotten that it's never too late to change their thoughts and therefore their "things." And for these reasons, time will forever be on their side.

Glad we could straighten that out -
    The Universe"

But geez….how patient do I need to be? How much more patient can I be….? Am I being punished for something that I did long ago? Am I being punished for something I didn't do? Am I an awful person? A person that doesn't deserve what I really desire? Will I just be an awful mother so this is why I am being kept away? I know all of this is horrible to think. But, I do think it sometimes. I do question why some families are blessed with 4 or 5 children. Why I have none. I don't begrudge, but when? Why isn't it me? Will it ever be my turn? My insides hurt. My head hurts. My heart is breaking. When I started this process….I was 2 younger then I am today. I am getting older and older. COME ON.

I wish I could be strong all the time. I can't be. I ache to love this child. I ache to hold my daughter in my arms. This heart has a hole in it the size of you my child.

I will be patient. I have been patient. But god damn it…I want my child already! Universe, I love you and respect you …but, it's just really hard sometimes. WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?

To my “shish” and the other “Sheeshes”…and by “Sheeshes”, I mean YOU!

 

 

Happy Easter!.....

 

HAPPY SHEESTER!

Back…and sleepy

I am tired. I think a week on the road….a weekend before that of work has just all caught up.

So, I say one thing…or maybe two…I am tired…I want my baby.

Enough said. I'll be back tomorrow for a less sleepy posting.

 

Hope you have been well.

Anonnie…how is it going?

On the road again

On a biz trip again....not much to say ....be back on Friday!

A little bit of Bat Mitzvah fun

A little feeling of magic.

Today was one of those days where everything seemed to flow. It was magical in a sense for me. I got a few new projects, clients were happy, work was extremely productive, I got my nails done, had a great dinner with an ex-client/now friend, was happy to hear my sister had had a great couple days....and my second China family friend got a referral! I mean I've seen a few Russian mamas get theirs...an Ethiopian mommy or two (hypothetically)...but believe it or not, only one of my China friends. I won't give information until it's all official official, but it's a Waiting Child, and she is just great ...and Mama is happy!!! Her older sister-a bit jealous...but it's all great. I thank her Mommy for making a special effort and calling me. It was so sweet.

Then today..I was walking down Fifth Ave on my way from a great appointment onto another...I look up...walking right across from me was a Caucasian women pushing a stroller with her beautiful Chinese daughter. In front of her was her husband with another Chinese child. Along with grandma and two older brothers. I stopped her (I know what you are thinking Lori and Sydney), but the truth is, I haven't had the heart lately to say anything when I see these wonderful blended families. Anyway, back to the tale...I stepped up beside her and whispered. "I'm a Waiting Family!" She said, "oh my god, when is your LID?" I answered. She said .."mine too!"...turned out of course, she is home two months with her beautiful baby Mackenzie. Cleft Lip (repaired)...beautiful. Precious. Wonderful.
I started to cry ..(I know what you are thinking Sydney) and she hugged me ...a stranger... but it did feel a little like magic though!


PS: I haven't been that great on my diet...need to get back on track! I put it out there go keep me accountable. Love that.

Stream of consciousness

Lori did one of these posts where she just typed what she was thinking...it helped her sort out her emotions during a stressful day. I figured, I can do the same. I am so tired. I am working so hard. I have finish up a few huge projects by Tuesday. Then on the road again. I am tired. I love it though. But I have alot of work to do. I know all this work is laying the groundwork for my life when this baby comes. But, it's tough...in a very good way. But, I'm tired. Joe and I both got little bugs after the Bat Mitzvah...my cold is coming back...I had fever the other day. I am tired. Opps, I said that. Elliott Spitzer is an asshole. How the heck could someone so stupid be so reckless. I feel so badly for his children. Long ago I was friends with the soon to be new Governor of NY's wife. I knew him too. He knew me. He would probably not remember me if we met today. He will be great. I really like him. The Bat Mitzvah was amazing. I saw s many old friends and family. I stood up on the Beema (totally spelled wrong) next to Hayley as she read her Torah. I was so proud. I was so proud of Sydney as she also nailed her reading. She was so cute and relaxed after she finished. I thought she was going to just hang out next to the rabbi all day. I was so proud. I couldn't stop crying. Why wasn't Lia-Rose there? The night before was the baby naming...it was meant to be it was that day. It was the first day of a new Jewish Month (Adar). Addie was born 7 years ago on the first day of Adar. It was meant to be. It was never meant to be Lia-Rose's naming. My sister is a fantastic mother. I envy her and am so proud. I hope she is not mad at me for making that flip remark about Camp Snuggly. I am so sorry shish. I really love her best friend Heidi. I wish I had a Heidi. I saw my sister's friend Terry and her daughter Victoria at the Bat M. Terry adopted Victoria from Vietnam years ago. They were meant to be together. It's so obvious. I cried when I saw them. It gave me hope. A reporter interviewed me today on a story about waiting families and the emotions involved in this long wait. Hello, do you think I had something to say. I am tired. I have more work to do. I will stop it's almost 11pm. I love the new season of American Idol. Just started watching it. I am so excited.My step daughter and best friend are coming to be with us for two weeks in July! Yeah!!!! O'k, I have to go. I have no idea what I just wrote. But, am glad I did. Oh yes, Anonnie...great luck. I am dieing to hear more! xxoxoox

Hayley and Sydney's Montage

Lori created this special video for the Bat Mitzvah.....I cry everytime I watch it!

Unreal

My sister is amazing. My brother in law is so incredible. My "Girls" are out of this world. This weekend was so beautiful. It was my nieces Hayley and Syd's Bat Mitzvah. They were so beautiful, elegant, and terrific. They read their Torah and Haftorah portions like pros. I am so proud of them and honored to be their Aunt Wendi.
The party my sister and brother in law threw was unbelievable. Everything was perfect. It was filled with love, and love and love. I had one of the greatest days of my life. I am so tired now and will write more about it, but I had to let my sister know how much I love her. How much I love my nieces and my brother in law. I am the luckiest girl alive to have you as my family. And, Addison, oh my god,I adore you.

Here's one picture (more coming I am sure) ...this is cousin Foster with Sydney and Hayley...my gorgeous nieces. I love you so much.

A sense

I know that I've been hormonally charged lately. But, I also know that in some sort of way, when I am at my emotionally "craziest" and by crazy I mean when I am "feeling" everything, I am also the most deeply in touch with myself and with the world around me. I am not sure that makes sense, although it really does to me I hadn't mentioned this before but last week I was sleeping,. In the middle of the night I awoke with a sharp pain right below my shoulder and above my heart. (Don't worry mommy, I am fine) It took my breath away, and for a moment I thought I had some sort of heart attack. But then suddenly my eyes flew wide open. I thought Lia-Rose. I am "feeling" my daughter. She needs me right now. Somehow this pain I was feeling was connected to her. It didn't hurt anymore in a physical way. I just know I was feeling my child. Perhaps at that moment she was in pain. Perhaps she was crying. Perhaps she was thinking of me. I know this will sound crazy to some. I don't care. I haven't felt that pain again. I am totally fine. Nothing is wrong with me. I truly believe that pain was a "wake up call". My baby is alive right now. I am sure of it. They say a mother always knows. My mom knows when I am in pain, she does. She has s sixth sense about it. It's amazing. Even though we aren't officially together now, Lia-Rose and I are already connected. I can feel her. I can. It keeps me going. It keeps me focused. It keeps my hope alive. My baby and I will be together.

PS How great is this...my new neighbors are Chinese...and they have a 12 year old daughter...I love the thought of having a young person right downstairs...a built in baby sitter that can help me communicate with my daughter. God, I sure prepare a head don't I?

 

This was an email I received today, no joke!

This just in... Wendi, no matter how happy you have ever been, even at your happiest, it won't come close to how happy you will one day be.

The plot thickens.

Trust me, I'm there now...
    The Universe

I am loving Anonnie

If you have been reading my blog the last few weeks, you have read all about Anonnie. (See comments) I am not even sure that Anonnie is a real person..she is an angel...and seems to always say just what I need to hear...If you read my hormonally charged post below, you read that I've felt somewhat neglected. I know it sounds childish and selfish, but one of the best parts of being an expectant parent is the journey leading up to the birth of the baby. Unfortunetly, for those of us on the Adoption rollercoaster, it seems those rules don't apply. And I'm not talking about participating in cyber showers or secret pal clubs. I'm talking about the general world outside of US. Those that seem to have taken the fact that we too are expecting, for granted. I don't care if it takes 9 months or 9 years. This pregnancy and my child will mean just as much as the one that takes place biologically. Anyway, I digress. Anonnie asked me a bunch of those questions I've been aching to answer...thank you my friend. And not that anyone but me really cares, I'll answer them. Feel free to answer these wonderful questions on your blog too. Remember, you are having a baby!!!!
How did you pick the name Lia-Rose? : I was in the bath one day. Originally L-R's name was going to be Sophie Rose. But one day I was in the bath, my eyes closed and it came to me. As clear as day...Lia-Rose.Lia-Rose would be the perfect way to remember my sister in law Liz and my grandmother Rose Leah. It was beyond perfect for us. And it felt right.
Will your daughter be named after anyone special? See above
How are you going to celebrate when your daughter finally comes? Are you having a baby naming ceremony? What would you like it to be like? It is funny you ask this. This upcoming weekend is my nieces' Bat Mitzvah. Lori and I knew that family would be in town this weekend, and originally had been preparing that this weekend would have also served as Lia-Rose's entry into the family. In my mind my stepkids would have been here and we would have done the baby naming this Friday night....oh well. So, the new plan would be that I'd love to do a Baby naming ...at the synagouge where I was Bat Mitzvahed. My uncle is very active there and I know he would make sure it happened. Then I'd love two parties..one down in Philly where my family is and a big old New York party for my friends here! Oh I'm getting excited now! I'd probably rent out the club house of our condo and do a party during the summer months when the kids can go swimming too!

Besides health, what are the biggest hopes you have for your daughter’s future? I want Lia-Rose to believe that anything is possible. That she can be whoever she wants to be. I want her to travel. To spend summers exploring different cities and countries. I want her to have friends from all different backgrounds. I want her to be secure and be proud of who she is. I want her to just be. To always live in the moment and be happy ....

How do you feel about that whole movement where the baby sleeps in the bed with the parents? I am not sure. I know my natural incliniation will be to grab and and cuddle her all nite. But I also realize that that this may not be the best way to build security in a child. Sometimes letting them cry it out on their own will make them less dependent. But, what do I know. My 45 pound doggie sleeps in bed with us everynight and I wouldn't dare kick her out.

Are you going to let your daughter cry for a while in the other room – or pick her up immediately when you hear her weepy? Well, I sort of answered this above. I know it is going to be hard for me not to run to her. I don't want to over-do anything with her. I want her to grow up being secure. She will know that we are there for her. But she will also learn to handle things on her own.Again, what the hell do I know?

What’s the first trip you want to take your daughter on? Australia...to meet her family there!

What three books are important for you to share with your daughter? Great great question..not sure how to answer. There are a few beautiful children's books about adoption that I can't wait to read to her. I also want to share with her some of my favorites as I grew up..Little Women, Are YOu there God it's me....but as an adult, there is a book of prayers that is so special to me. It's call the Illuminata by Marianne Williamson. I open it everyday and pick a prayer to read. There are ones for happiness, depression, sickness, health, even for love and partnership and work. I love this book. Our wedding cermoney came from here. I can't wait to give this book to Lia-Rose when she will be old enough to appreciate it.

What do you want your daughter to call your parents and sister? (Granny? Nana? Grandma? Poppy? Gramps? Grandpa? Auntie?)
Definently Grandmom and Granddad...and Auntie Lori!!! Lori will be an Auntie!!!!

Just a rant.

I am feeling neglected. I can't explain it but either people are afraid to ask, or they just have forgotten, I AM HAVING A BABY. Lia-Rose will be in my arms one day...And I know that it seems crazy because this wait has become so unbearably long, but you know what, I am going to be a mother. I don't mean to point fingers at anyone, because it is no one in particular. It's the big elephant in the room. (or whatever that expression is)

I thank you for caring...but once in awhile, ask me. Don't avoid it. Just ask...What's the latest? Have your heard anything? Have you thought about what you want her room to look like? Please ask. It makes it real for us all. I am going to have this child. I am. So please, don't forget ...just ask.

It's you

"She is this special soul who is going to open windows for you. She is for you in some very special way."

May be too much information for some

If you read my blog you know that sometimes my posts are much more positive the others. I also know that in "real" life, certain times of the month I am feeling less optimistic then others. It truly is my blessing and my curse. The ebbs and flow of my cycle really mess with my mood. This month, yuck. I think stress makes it worse for me. In fact I am sure of that. I also think that as I grow older, it has gotten more intense. I'm watching a show now on PBS about Women and Menopause . It's very interesting and I am finding that so much of my past history of really bad cramps along with emotional despair, is quite normal. It the beauty of being a woman. Although it feels less beautiful and really ugly. I don't like how I am feeling about myself or about things this morning. I am such a generally positive person. I don't feel that way today. But, the good news is..."it's not me" ...it's my freakin' hormones!

Is 14 the new 25?

My step daughter Annie is almost 15 and my niece Hayley is 14 1/2.
Think of yourself when you were that age. Gawky, pimples, frizzy hair, a little ackward and insecure. Now check out these two ..note, I stole these photos from their MYSPACE.

This is Hayley. HELLO!!



Now, this is Annie....in the pink dress, second from left. HELLO!!!






Can you believe these two...unreal.


And by the way, I have my Sydney too..but can't seem to get into her MYSPACE ...hint hint!