"Impatience is a sign of hurrying; hurrying is a sign of worrying; worrying is a sign of fear; and fear is a sign, Wendi, that someone has temporarily forgotten that it's never too late to change their thoughts and therefore their "things." And for these reasons, time will forever be on their side.
Glad we could straighten that out -
The Universe"
But geez….how patient do I need to be? How much more patient can I be….? Am I being punished for something that I did long ago? Am I being punished for something I didn't do? Am I an awful person? A person that doesn't deserve what I really desire? Will I just be an awful mother so this is why I am being kept away? I know all of this is horrible to think. But, I do think it sometimes. I do question why some families are blessed with 4 or 5 children. Why I have none. I don't begrudge, but when? Why isn't it me? Will it ever be my turn? My insides hurt. My head hurts. My heart is breaking. When I started this process….I was 2 younger then I am today. I am getting older and older. COME ON.
I wish I could be strong all the time. I can't be. I ache to love this child. I ache to hold my daughter in my arms. This heart has a hole in it the size of you my child.
I will be patient. I have been patient. But god damn it…I want my child already! Universe, I love you and respect you …but, it's just really hard sometimes. WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?
7 comments:
I wish I could answer you and say today:-( It will happen...stay strong, you have so much support out here!
I too wish I had the answer as to when and why this is so f'n hard. It shouldn't be and my goodness it's not because of anything you wrote - especially the awful mother part - that just made me laugh and spit my water out - you already are an AMAZING MOTHER to Ms. L-R - Somethings gotta give with this and it has to be soon, it just has to be.
xo
I once heard this saying and this post made me think of it again.
"Asking the universe 'why?' is like trying to explain to a charging bull that you're a vegetarian."
Sometimes there is no why, sometimes ~ its just because.
You are special beyond the measurement of this wait!
I finally have my schedule for my trips to NJ.
I'll email the dates to you.
I know how that hole in your heart feels. I had that same hole when I was doing infertility treatments. I was a wreck. Anyway...you know what I'm going to say. I know your agency. I know they'll take care of you. And I know your strength, humor and grace will get you through this insane wait.
Keep your head up Wendi! It will happen. You are going to be a great mother. As to why it hasn't happened yet I don't know but it will. Always remember that even though God tests us He will never test us beyond our limits. He knows how patient you are and trust me that once you have Lia in your arms it will seem so much sweeter.
All the best,
Dave
Of course none of us can answer the "WHY?", but I sure did ask it myself a whole lot!
What I can say is I'm sooo proud of you, using this time productively, getting your new career going and getting yourself all set up so you'll be readier than just about any human out there when your L-R does find her way into your arms.
ps> You got me thinking that maybe ignorance is bliss? All this time there's an innocent little girl out there, who's gotten a terribly unfair start in life, and who goes about her daily routine with absolutely no idea what a wonderful, loving future is in store for her....
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