Thursday, January 31, 2008

Happy Birthday Lor....

I love how you get what I am thinking
I love how we laugh at the same things that certain people do
I love that we have a shared sense of history
I love that you let me mother your children and be a part of their life
I love that you always make me laugh, and that besides Heidi, I'm really the only one that thinks you are so funny
I love that I still am unsure if you and Dan really didn't make out once
I love that you are blogging and obsessed with the same nonsense that I am
I love that you love Kristen Jo like I do and that you two would have been in the same sorority
I love that we enjoy breaking our diets together
I love that Daddy drives you crazy at times
I love that you are such a great mother and have taught me so much
I love that you can hold pots ---or used to be able to--in places that shouldn't be holding anything
I love that you support me in anything smart or stupid I have ever done
I love that you watched my dog (dead) Amber and even though she peed on your rug, and Freddy pees there too now, it's o'k
I love that my cat Louise is buried under a tree at YOUR own house
I love that you dated someone from the Howard Stern Show and we all went on the date with you
I love that growing up you were the only person I wanted to sleep in bed with
I love that I used to wake up every five minutes to make sure you were o'k
I love that we love Broadway and both were bored with RENT
I love that we were probably once gay lovers in a past life who said we would come back at sisters
I love that no one else but you and perhaps one or two others may understand a word that I am writing
I love that I have so much to write about
I love that we can't wait to see the Sex and the City Movie
I love that we loved Hairspray
I love that we sometimes make fun of your children behind their backs
I love that you are so creative and giving
I love that this Bat Mitzvah is going to be amazing
I love that you love your family so much
I love you more then you know.
I love that it is your Birthday....

Happy Birthday to the best sister ever!Everyone it's my sister's birthday!!!! Happy Birthday Lori-Feb 1!
I love you and thank you for everything!

A deep loss inside of me

She was blossoming. Her stomach full with baby. She looked at me. I wanted to touch her stomach so badly. I wanted to feel what it felt like. To have a baby inside of me. To feel something growing. To feel a kick...a feel what it felt like to be "with child."

It has never really bothered me that I wouldn't biologically carry a child. I am 47 years old..almost...and my making baby that way days are very far behind me. I accepted that reality many years ago. I always knew deep down inside of me that I'd never be pregnant. I am infertile. Whether it is old eggs, old age, fibroids, wasting my fertile years with men who were not for me or whatever...I was not able to concieve. It is what it is.

Last night I dreamt that I said to someone, "I don't want to be pregnant. I never wanted to conceive. I want to mother. But not that way."

This morning as I worked out besides a very pregnant thirty something year old it really hit me. I will never know what that will feel like. There is another woman who is carrying or has carried my baby inside of her. I will never know what that feels like. This morning, for the first time in a very long time. I felt a deep loss inside of me.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 tell

So, how do u do it? All of you working moms. How do you do it?
I have set myself up to be able to do so much more flexibly. I'm building my work life so that I can be more accessible to my baby girl....that I can take her to daycare, or at least be in my home office when my nanny is here. It's going to be tough. Working, making money and raising a child. A child who may or may not have special issues. A child who will need her mother's attention. Thank god, I have a partner, my husband who will help lessen the load...but my question is this- When the blackberry is buzzing, when a conference call is looming, when a report is due, when a ton of emails need to be can't tell the baby to be quiet, so what do you do.

It will be a challenge, but I have seen so many do it before me. But, any advice, would be appreciated...I have some time for this, so I might as well get prepared.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

15 and past due

We have been officially LID (log in date) for 15 months. Yes, 15 months. For those who are following my journey and aren't very familar with what this means, I'll explan by saying that the countdown for our daughter began the day we were logged in.

We were told when are dossier was stamped with the date 10/27/06 that referrals were being matched from that point, 13-14 months. So we are at 15. We are officially past due from what they told us. This is not a surprise, as you well know. Currently the matches are at about 25 months...and growing...that is the simple explanation.

I lay in bed this morning thinking of the adoption community. The wait is different for all. There are many kinds of families out there....those who suffered with infertility and are childless; those who perhaps had one (or two) child and were unable to bear their second (or third); there are families that are full of children, but long to bring another in by adoption; single parents, who are so strong to me, they know a partner is wonderful, but it is child they long for and will do so with or without another. Some of us are older. (I have a friend who is my age who is almost a grandmom-a young one-but a grandmom none the less.) Some a bit younger.

We all share pain. We all seek miracles. We all wait for our children.
I ache for a little voice calling out for me "mommy, mommy, I love you."

I will be so joyful when my friends become mothers. I won't lie, I envy you all. I want this. I don't feel desperate. I want this in a way that makes me stronger. Like the kind of strong that says "don't get in my way...I know I'm meant to mother."

So, on this 15th "lidversary" I shout out to the world..."watch out...this momma will be and nothing is going to stop me!"

Friday, January 25, 2008

Another dream...

Again, another dream. Sorry, this might not be interesting to some..but this blog is for Lia-Rose and one day, I need you to know that I had another dream about you. This
time it was about your referral. There was a file, with pictures. I just received another new photo of you. You were about 3 years old. (As opposed to the other dream recently when u were about 8). You were very cute. Had a bob. I was showing the file to my family. Everyone was excited, but was cautious. We were on a boat trying to get to you. I was solid and sure. And over the top excited.
You never know where your dreams will lead you....

Thursday, January 24, 2008


Just one of the posts that have no purpose but to fulfill my obligation to myself to update this blog as often as possible. Some of these points are very off-topic.

-I do have to say that the friendships that are created in this blog-world are really incredible and necessary to help us function and muddle through this international adoption craziness
-Do you want an great way to unwind and relax at night? Once I pull myself from coaching, project stuff and other various tasks that I do that I call work, it may be 8 or 9 at night. I've learned for me to completely unwind, I have to disconnect myself from this computer. I've have found the secret for me...the secret to help me sleep better because I'm not tossing or turning about this adoption...or work...or other's the CD Compliation of LOST. I'm totally addicted. I am not watching the current season, but am up to Season Two, disc three. I'm in love with bad boy Sawyer. This couch potato type behavior is recommended if you really need to not think about reality.
-I have decided that I will be supporting Hillary Clinton. No other comments on this one
-I hope Rudy Guiliani loses big in Florida. As much as some might not like HIllary, times that by 100 and that's how much I can not stand Rudy. He needs to come back to NY and repair his relationship with his children. Please stop talking about 9/11 everytime someone asks you a question. Enough said.
-I bought a beautiful dress for the nieces wedding..I mean Bat Mitzvah. Oy, it's kinda of like a wedding. I bought the dress at Lord and Taylor. We came home and found it online at for half the price...on sale! It just arrived today and I'm returning my L+T dress...I've just saved $85.00. It's the same damn dress.
-I better get to work.
-I have no updates on adoption...we are in a holding pattern...although I did dream last nite that my agency director said to me "it's coming this afternoon".

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Welcome to this world

It's so funny...I am always talking about babies being "born" through adoption. But guess what? It happens the other way too. One of my dear friends, who is a regular blog reader had her beautiful baby girl this weekend...ladies and gentlemen, welcome Vera Ann! So beautiful...and I can't wait to meet you!!!! Mazel Tov Alysa and Rick!!!

Monday, January 21, 2008

I really saw her face

Whether or not you believe in analyzing dreams or that whether what we see in our dreams are true, I saw Lia-Rose last night. For the first time, I really saw her and "felt" her. I didn't have a good nite's sleep last night. A few things on my mind left me a bit aggaitated, and I tossed and turned. I finally fell off to sleep and then she came. She was my daughter. She was handed to me and I said to her "Hi, I'm your mom and I'm going to take care of you the rest of your life." She was not a baby. More like a four year old. She had long straight black hair and she had bangs.She wore a turtleneck sweater and jeans. She also wore glasses and she was absolutely the cutest daughter any woman could ask for. She let me hold her. We both looked at each other and I remember I was scared, and said to myself, "ok, what happens next."

In all this time, I have never really dreamt about her like this. Last night, I really saw her reassured me. It calmed me. I felt fulfilled. I saw my daughter.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Please pray for my friend

One of my most special friends who I met through this blogging world had a very awful awful thing happen with her adoption. I am not going to go into details, for that is not my place, but it is a tragedy that is beyond explanation. There are no reasons sometimes except to believe that this was what is supposed to be. I pray for the son who you loved, although not physically together, I know in your heart he was all yours. He will be at peace always because he had this tremendous love from you and your husband. That is why he was given to you both in this way.

I pray for you Stephanie and Jason. I wish you peace and relief from this sadness. We will laugh and be joyful again. You will be family. And from your entire blogging family, I know how much we love and wish you only peace during this time.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Another baby has found her way to her mommy!

Mazel Tov to Jocelyn and Pacey!!!! Jocelyn had quite the adventure in her process....she never lost hope and her Pacey is all hers today!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

My baby just got her baby

I was watching a private "gotcha video" of a friend of mine who adopted a beautiful little girl off the Waiting Child list. In the video you see her entire family and the happiness that this little girl brought them. It was overwhelming. I mean I have seen dozens of videos, but something about this one, really got me. The baby's grandparents were there and a the end of the video, the handsome grandfather said to the camera "My baby just got her baby." I started sobbing. And I got goosebumps. It was such a natural and beautiful sentiment.

My baby just got her baby. The family grows, and grandparents are watching their families blossom, all by the process of adoption. These little beings don't just come into our lives. They become sisters and nieces and cousins and granddaughters. I always think of what it means to Joe and I. But Lia-Rose is more then just our daughter. She will be Annie's baby sister, Adam's youngest sister, Lori's sister's daughter...her niece. Greg's baby niece, Hayley, Sydney and Addison's cousin, Aunt Dorothy and Uncle Mike's God-Granddaughter and Grandma Joyce and Granddad Aaron's fourth granddaughter. Lia-Rose has this big place in this family. A chair is yet to be filled, a crib yet to slept in. There is a big piece of every one's heart that is missing. Only Lia-Rose can fill it. Lia, one day my parents will say it too..."my baby is having a baby." are OUR baby.

Monday, January 14, 2008

The most kissable

Ponim. Yes, a ponim. A face. In Yiddish that is. And yesterday I got my chance to kiss one kissable ponim...that of Alana Nika. I can't even tell you how quickly Susan and this adorable person have bonded. She's got eyes that can melt you and and a little body you just want to wrap up in your arms. The expressions are priceless. It is such a miracle to have this little new New Yorker formally from Russia in our midst. It brings you hope on a day when your agency tells you want they have no idea how long this wait is going to be. It gives you faith that in life you just never know what will happen. And those just want to kiss them for hours. Hope, faith, life's adventures and kissing a two year old to be who six weeks ago was in an know never know, you just never know.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

I was passed on this wonderful distinction of "Blogging with a Purpose" from my dear Daniella. Thank you for pointing out the fact that you and ....well you and I..we do get each other and we share our words that so many might not understand...but thankfully you do, as do others. Blogging with a Purpose....I started this blog as a document to my daughter, my Lia-Rose, so she would know how much she was loved from day one...before she was real, before she was in our arms. She is loved. This journey has taken many turns. There is a positive day. A day when it feels like this is for real. That this will really happen. The next day...your down in the dumps. You belive you won't even come up for air. It's the hardest journey I have ever been on. Trying to stay positive when everything is pointing against you. Trying to smile. Trying to laugh. Trying to just say is o'k, because it will be. When do u give up? When do you frown instead of smile. When do u say, I throw it all in. It's over. I can't do that. I just can't. Am I crazy? Am I being pollyanna-ish? Am I just stupid? To those out there who are on this journey with understand. To those of you who support me through this...thank you. I couldn't do this without you. I have one thing to say to the world...I still believe in miracles. I believe that one day this wish will come true. I have my purpose. Thank you my Daniella for reminding me.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Update my shish

That's what my sister wrote in the comment section of the post below. So, I'll update. I have nothing to say. Truly nothing. I'm busy, Joe is home, Joe came home very sick and we have been nursing him back to his old self, I'm not feeling great myself, I am watching intensely the Primary Elections. I have nothing to say. Truly nothing. I feel so far away from my baby. I'm angry, I'm frustrated and I'm just numb to it all. I have nothing to say. (And by the way, if you wonder, Shish means Sister to my sister and me....that quite possibly is the most interesting information in this post.) I have nothing to say.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

A letter

Dear China,

I know you are a very busy country with lots of going on. This letter from one lady in New Jersey, USA is probably not on anyone's top priority list, but if someone out there could read this and get back to me, I'd really appreciate it

My husband and I sent our dossier to the CCAA back in September of 2006. We have a log in date of October 27, 2006. We are very excited and anxious to adopt one of your beautiful children who has been left behind. We are grateful to you for allowing us this opportunity. The opportunity for me to be a mother, something I have only dreamed about. The opportunity to create a family and offer a child of the world so much love and security. When we sent you our file, we promised we would love this child as much as we would love a biological child. This has never wavered. Our entire extended family welcomes this child as well. Don't you worry, she will be taken care of. We have even picked a name for her. Lia-Rose. She is alive and living in our hearts right now. She is so real to us.

Dear China, can you please help me out here. What's going on? New referrals just were announced and we didn't get much further. In fact, we are still matching dossiers from late December of 2005. Dear China, that's a long long way from my log in. I am committed to this adoption more than anything in the world. I am changing my life to be more available for this baby and to be there for her whenever she needs me. Dear China, can you tell us anything? Can you tell us that things will improve? Dear China, there are thousands of families who wait as well. Some have families already, others, like me, only dream of this. Dear China, I promise I'll be the best mommy I can be. Dear China, can you help me start my family sooner? Can you?

Best regards,


Wendi C-C

Addendum: I did get one response, well, not from China..but from my sister...please read... Thank you Terrie for allowing us to share this.