She was blossoming. Her stomach full with baby. She looked at me. I wanted to touch her stomach so badly. I wanted to feel what it felt like. To have a baby inside of me. To feel something growing. To feel a kick...a hiccup...to feel what it felt like to be "with child."
It has never really bothered me that I wouldn't biologically carry a child. I am 47 years old..almost...and my making baby that way days are very far behind me. I accepted that reality many years ago. I always knew deep down inside of me that I'd never be pregnant. I am infertile. Whether it is old eggs, old age, fibroids, wasting my fertile years with men who were not for me or whatever...I was not able to concieve. It is what it is.
Last night I dreamt that I said to someone, "I don't want to be pregnant. I never wanted to conceive. I want to mother. But not that way."
This morning as I worked out besides a very pregnant thirty something year old it really hit me. I will never know what that will feel like. There is another woman who is carrying or has carried my baby inside of her. I will never know what that feels like. This morning, for the first time in a very long time. I felt a deep loss inside of me.
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10 comments:
oh, my shish, i'm sorry for your loss.
i know your baby isn't in your tummy, but as they say, she is in your heart.
Been there and its never easy
Sending you a big hug.
i dont have anything to say that will make you feel any differently than you do ... but i do love you so very much.
Not to get all coachy on you, but kudos for recognizing that feeling of loss! What a huge step for you, to acknowlegde and grieve what you never even realized you missed.
I'm so sorry for the loss you're feeling now, but given time, just imagine how much more open and ready you'll feel for Lia-Rose.....
I agree with Susan, it is a loss that you have to grieve. I did grieve this finally and had a similar experience this year...but the opposite feeling (because I had already grieved)...I didn't care, it no longer bothered me. So grieve this loss, you have to. Then one day you will see that pregnant person and you won't give a rats you know what either:-)!!! I actually blogged about it on 9/20...go read, because it amazed me!! Love ya!!!
I get where you're coming from...
Believe me, MANY of us identify with this post! Keep being honest to yourself and just being you - that's all you can do. You're daughter will love you for it one day!
- OLM
I'm so sorry. I think by really feeling this, you are really ready for your Lia-Rose!
Wendi,
When I read your post is always amazes me how much we have in common.
If it is of any comfort, I know exactly how you are feeling.
Although we cannot conceive we were born to create. Creation goes much deeper than conception.
Hugs and Kisses from my heart and soul!
E
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