This is not one of those cheery posts. Not one of those I feel in control posts. I questioned whether or not to write it and for a number of reasons I decided I would. First off, these feelings are festering inside of me and I need to let it go. Secondly, maybe your feeling the same way today and knowing that someone else is going through a similar emotion will make you feel better. Thirdly, some points of your "pregnancy" are more difficult then others. This is one of those times for me. Please, I know exactly what your thinking and what you are sayin, "it is all going to be ok", "your that much closer"yada yada. I can not hear that today. Today I lack belief. I said it. Today I feel beat up and knocked down. Today I wonder, when? I do not mean to upset you more, because I know that you are going thru the same thing. But today it really hurts. It can not be the "why me" because there are thousands upon thousands of people out there going thru the same thing. There are, more importantly thousands of babies in orphanages looking for their mommies and daddies. Oh why does it have to be so hard to bring us together. Why does it have to take so long? I feel like hiding under a rock today. Like staying in bed all day and sleeping. But, I won't. I will grin and bear this huge pain. I will pretend it doesn't hurt. I will remember there is always tomorrow. Tomorrow maybe there will be a change.
7 comments:
Wish I knew the right thing to say, or that saying we're all rowing this boat (slow boat) to China together, but it doesn't help even knowing that.
I feel your pain, and pray as I do EVERY month that the next set of matches will yield more than 5 days... and that we'll again see 2 weeks at a time.
Hugs to you.
Hugs my friend. I, too wish I had the right thing to say. You're allowed to say it sucks and to feel discouraged.
I wish we could drown our sorrows over dinner tonight.
xoxoxoxo
Nothing profound to say - I'm feeling the same way as you. It's okay for us to feel this way - heck if we didn't, I would wonder what is wrong with us! It's got to get better - it just has too. I'm here for you my friend. We will row the boat together and get there. Just think of the party we will have!!!!!
Wendi,
I also have my moments of pretending. Pretending it doesn't hurt, pretending I'm fine and it will all work out, pretending that it doesn't bother me.
I also have many more moments when I cry because of the pure joy I feel in my heart that I am going to be a mommy, I cry tears of happiness and thank God for leading me to this amazing journey.
In those moments of joy, I feel it's ok if this never happens. I am grateful for the hope. It's the closest I have ever been to being a mom.
Sometimes that's enough to sustain me, even if I am pretending.
Love
Elizabeth
Hi Wendi,
Let yourself feel bad, then shake it off and go on...
The wait sucks and all we can do is be there for each other.
I saw the posts on your event last Sat. congrats on a great event!
Hold onto the joy doing that must have brought you and let it wash away your pain.
Unfortunately, they don't call it faith for nothing :(
Hugs!
JoAnn
Even though I am not adopting, this post spoke to me.
"Thirdly, some points of your "pregnancy" are more difficult then others."
So true! I am in the early stages of my 5th pregnancy (no living children). I don't know everything is going to be ok. I just need to wait, be patient and hope that it will be.
I hope that it will be ok for you too. I hope that the wait will be less than expected. I know it will be worth it in the end.
Oh Wendi, forgive me for saying this...it's part of the process. My process was not as intense and lengthy as yours, but I can tell you that everything you're feeling is normal. Some days you will feel dead inside, others you will be bursting with life. This process will end one day and we'll be reading about you and Lia-Rose fighting over food and nap schedules. It will be the most exciting time of your life and you won't be able to remember all the angst. Please use this blog to vent, freak out, cry...whatever. Someone else out there can relate. You're not alone in this wait, but you're a strong woman. I know you can do this.
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