Patience

I know that is what most people tell me during this wait. But I have to tell you, I've heard it, I've heard it, I've heard it. And guess what, I don't have it anymore. It's gone. Zip. Outta of here! It's a different situation having patience around a situation where there is a clear idea of when your patience will pay off. In this case, that doesn't exist. No one knows. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm sure you are tired of hearing about it. So no more. My patience has worn thin my friends.

As many of you know, I am a trained executive coach. As a coach, I work with clients examining their professional and of course overlapping personal lives if that is something my client chooses to share. The core of my work is examining the following-Where are you, where do you want to be? What are your strengths? How can we use your strengths to help you get you to that place where you want to be?
What are the obstacles standing in your way? What can we do to remove those obstacles?

Here's my frustration. When I apply this to my own life, and this situation I am in with this adoption wait, I clearly understand where I am ...and of course where I want to be. I know my strengths, I know how applying my strengths can certainly help me. It's the damn obstacles. In this case, they are out of my control. That is where my frustration lies. I can't do a damn thing to change this current situation. I have come to the realization that I must make some sort of change in thinking. Perhaps the circumstance is not exactly how I thought it would be.

I know I'm speaking in weird circles here. I however, understand myself. I know my husband does as well.

I am no going to paint false hopes for anyone anymore. I think the time has come for me to face the truth. And now, with that obstacle out of the way. I will do what I have to do. Don't get me wrong, I will most definetly be a mother.

Folks, this is not easy. I gotta tell you, I feel a bit beat up, angry and just shot. The more the weeks pass, the further I feel I am getting from my child. I try to fight, to remain positive, to believe. Somedays it is hard. It remains just a fantasy, not anything that can poaaibly happen. I do not wnat to give up. I do not want to stop believing. I really don't. I write this today to simply get it off my chest. Please do not leave comments and tell me everything will be ok. I know it will, this is just simply how I feel this morning. And this too shall pass.

The Year of the Rat

Happy Chinese New Year!

This was reprinted from AOL.

February 7 not only ushers in the Chinese New Year -- which ends January 25, 2009 -- but the commencement of a fresh 12-year cycle. Therefore, the Year of the Rat is associated with fresh starts, new opportunities and hard work. Starting a job, getting married or moving to a different neighborhood are all favored -- especially if you were born in the year of the Ox, Dragon or Monkey. If you were born in the year of the Rat, prepare for a double dose of good fortune throughout the Chinese New Year! No matter what year you were born, you will make progress with new ventures. But be patient, as they will take time to grow to fruition.

Don't expect to make a financial killing in the next 12 months, though. As far as the Year of the Rat is concerned, it's best to take a conservative approach with investments. Long-term ventures will prove more profitable than fly-by-night opportunities. The real estate market will continue to slow down, with states in the northern half of the United States faring slightly better than those in the southern sector.

Sex scandals are often associated with Rat years, so don't be surprised if some shocking news knocks a promising political candidate out of the United States presidential race. Interestingly, women are highly favored to take political office in the Year of the Rat. The politicians that will fare best in this year will be the ones who are sharp, cunning and know how to navigate their way out of tight corners. One thing is certain: whoever ultimately takes office in the Year of the Rat will generate plenty of controversy.

This Chinese New Year presents a marvelous opportunity to strengthen family ties. Instead of going out to expensive restaurants and fancy parties, you may prefer to fix home-cooked meals with your nearest and dearest. Cozy, casual gatherings are preferable to glittery, glitzy ones in the Year of the Rat. This animal prefers substance over style.

As far as health is concerned, most people will see an overall improvement. Any illnesses that occur could be related to environmental problems. Clean soil, air and water will become increasingly urgent issues throughout the Year of the Rat.

Dear Hillary

I am truly sorry. I have been your biggest fan and supporter for years and years. You are brilliant, a hardworker,and tough. I admire your persistance, your courage, your determination. I was all set to vote for you. I have publically supported you for sometime. I have sent you money. But in the end, as I stepped up to that voting booth, I changed my mind. I voted for your opponent. I voted for Barack Obama. I fast forwarded to the general election. I saw how the Republicans would attach you. How the get out the vote would be "it's time to get out the Clintons". I don't want to hear about the past. The scandals, the stories filled with lies. It's enough. I didn't want to hear a debate about character. I want to hear a debate about issues. A debate about changing the course of this country. With a Clinton, I'm so sorry to say, that isn't always possible. I don't want it be that way, but that is quite frankly just the way it is. I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I didn't follow through with my pledge to you. I just had enough.

Now, Mr. Obama, I pray you don't disappoint me. I have now pledged my support to you. Show me substance. Show me guts. Your speeches of hope are inspiring... but I do know that hope really comes from within. I want to know that you can get things done. Surround yourself with smart people. Surround yourself with people who are action makers. Please don't disappoint. Don't take my vote lightly.

So, in the end, I traded experience and action, for what I hope will be a more substantial campaign. A campaign that truly may help bring this country..black, white, asian, hispanic, jewish, christian, muslim ...together. I am taking a bit of a leap of faith here....but, I suppose all change requires risk. I hope I am not wrong.

Now, no matter what, make sure to vote today....your choice is your voice.

Clinton vs Obama

So, not to get all political on you, but this primary has me just torn apart. This election for many reasons is so important to me. It's the first time I'll vote for a president who will lead this country when my daughter comes to live here. This is the President who will lead the way for our next generations and make history. This world is way beyond myself now, it's about creating a world for my daughter. A world that is peaceful, that is prosperous. A world that doesn't set limits. A world that is equal in opportunity for women and men, for Blacks, Asians, Hispanics and Whites. This election will elect the President who can essentially put this country back on track. This election is for my daughter.

So, I am lost. I am confused. I am hesitant to say that this once absolutely sure vote for one of them, is questioning which way to go.

For those who know me, you know that I am a Democrat through and through. My parents brought me up in a very politically active and very aware household. We worked every election growing up. Parties were always "politcal" parties. As a young adult I worked in campaigns and dedicated my time to campaigning. Perhaps in the past few years, not as much. But, I still care. I still have a deep interest and I am still concerned.

So where does this vote go. To the person who I believe is far more qualified. Who is for sure a doer. The person that I am sure will see that action is taken. Or the someone that hasn't proven themselves to me yet, but there is so much hope and excitement around. Who is charismatic and charming. Do I listen to the pundits and polls who say that one candidate will stand to beat the GOP's better then the other? Where do I place this vote? This is about making the world a safer place for this child who is coming into my life....a better place for my step-children, my nieces and little cousins. This is about our future.

I never ever thought that I would see a woman or a black in the White House. It is overwhelming to me that this is what my choice has come down to. A white woman and a black man. I fill up with tears, truly when I think about this. This is so very exciting and we are living in truly historical times.

So, on Super Tuesday, I will vote. I will vote for Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. I vote for my Lia-Rose now. My vote, is for her future.

Happy Birthday Lor....

I love how you get what I am thinking
I love how we laugh at the same things that certain people do
I love that we have a shared sense of history
I love that you let me mother your children and be a part of their life
I love that you always make me laugh, and that besides Heidi, I'm really the only one that thinks you are so funny
I love that I still am unsure if you and Dan really didn't make out once
I love that you are blogging and obsessed with the same nonsense that I am
I love that you love Kristen Jo like I do and that you two would have been in the same sorority
I love that we enjoy breaking our diets together
I love that Daddy drives you crazy at times
I love that you are such a great mother and have taught me so much
I love that you can hold pots ---or used to be able to--in places that shouldn't be holding anything
I love that you support me in anything smart or stupid I have ever done
I love that you watched my dog (dead) Amber and even though she peed on your rug, and Freddy pees there too now, it's o'k
I love that my cat Louise is buried under a tree at YOUR own house
I love that you dated someone from the Howard Stern Show and we all went on the date with you
I love that growing up you were the only person I wanted to sleep in bed with
I love that I used to wake up every five minutes to make sure you were o'k
I love that we love Broadway and both were bored with RENT
I love that we were probably once gay lovers in a past life who said we would come back at sisters
I love that no one else but you and perhaps one or two others may understand a word that I am writing
I love that I have so much to write about
I love that we can't wait to see the Sex and the City Movie
I love that we loved Hairspray
I love that we sometimes make fun of your children behind their backs
I love that you are so creative and giving
I love that this Bat Mitzvah is going to be amazing
I love that you love your family so much
I love you more then you know.
I love that it is your Birthday....

Happy Birthday to the best sister ever!Everyone it's my sister's birthday!!!! Happy Birthday Lori-Feb 1!
I love you and thank you for everything!

A deep loss inside of me

She was blossoming. Her stomach full with baby. She looked at me. I wanted to touch her stomach so badly. I wanted to feel what it felt like. To have a baby inside of me. To feel something growing. To feel a kick...a hiccup...to feel what it felt like to be "with child."

It has never really bothered me that I wouldn't biologically carry a child. I am 47 years old..almost...and my making baby that way days are very far behind me. I accepted that reality many years ago. I always knew deep down inside of me that I'd never be pregnant. I am infertile. Whether it is old eggs, old age, fibroids, wasting my fertile years with men who were not for me or whatever...I was not able to concieve. It is what it is.

Last night I dreamt that I said to someone, "I don't want to be pregnant. I never wanted to conceive. I want to mother. But not that way."

This morning as I worked out besides a very pregnant thirty something year old it really hit me. I will never know what that will feel like. There is another woman who is carrying or has carried my baby inside of her. I will never know what that feels like. This morning, for the first time in a very long time. I felt a deep loss inside of me.

BTDT...do tell

So, how do u do it? All of you working moms. How do you do it?
I have set myself up to be able to do so much more flexibly. I'm building my work life so that I can be more accessible to my baby girl....that I can take her to daycare, or at least be in my home office when my nanny is here. It's going to be tough. Working, making money and raising a child. A child who may or may not have special issues. A child who will need her mother's attention. Thank god, I have a partner, my husband who will help lessen the load...but my question is this- When the blackberry is buzzing, when a conference call is looming, when a report is due, when a ton of emails need to be answered....you can't tell the baby to be quiet, so what do you do.

It will be a challenge, but I have seen so many do it before me. But, any advice, would be appreciated...I have some time for this, so I might as well get prepared.

15 and past due

We have been officially LID (log in date) for 15 months. Yes, 15 months. For those who are following my journey and aren't very familar with what this means, I'll explan by saying that the countdown for our daughter began the day we were logged in.

We were told when are dossier was stamped with the date 10/27/06 that referrals were being matched from that point, 13-14 months. So we are at 15. We are officially past due from what they told us. This is not a surprise, as you well know. Currently the matches are at about 25 months...and growing...that is the simple explanation.

I lay in bed this morning thinking of the adoption community. The wait is different for all. There are many kinds of families out there....those who suffered with infertility and are childless; those who perhaps had one (or two) child and were unable to bear their second (or third); there are families that are full of children, but long to bring another in by adoption; single parents, who are so strong to me, they know a partner is wonderful, but it is child they long for and will do so with or without another. Some of us are older. (I have a friend who is my age who is almost a grandmom-a young one-but a grandmom none the less.) Some a bit younger.

We all share pain. We all seek miracles. We all wait for our children.
I ache for a little voice calling out for me "mommy, mommy, I love you."

I will be so joyful when my friends become mothers. I won't lie, I envy you all. I want this. I don't feel desperate. I want this in a way that makes me stronger. Like the kind of strong that says "don't get in my way...I know I'm meant to mother."

So, on this 15th "lidversary" I shout out to the world..."watch out...this momma will be and nothing is going to stop me!"

Another dream...

Again, another dream. Sorry, this might not be interesting to some..but this blog is for Lia-Rose and one day, I need you to know that I had another dream about you. This
time it was about your referral. There was a file, with pictures. I just received another new photo of you. You were about 3 years old. (As opposed to the other dream recently when u were about 8). You were very cute. Had a bob. I was showing the file to my family. Everyone was excited, but was cautious. We were on a boat trying to get to you. I was solid and sure. And over the top excited.
You never know where your dreams will lead you....

Various

Just one of the posts that have no purpose but to fulfill my obligation to myself to update this blog as often as possible. Some of these points are very off-topic.

-I do have to say that the friendships that are created in this blog-world are really incredible and necessary to help us function and muddle through this international adoption craziness
-Do you want an great way to unwind and relax at night? Once I pull myself from coaching, project stuff and other various tasks that I do that I call work, it may be 8 or 9 at night. I've learned for me to completely unwind, I have to disconnect myself from this computer. I've have found the secret for me...the secret to help me sleep better because I'm not tossing or turning about this adoption...or work...or other things...it's the CD Compliation of LOST. I'm totally addicted. I am not watching the current season, but am up to Season Two, disc three. I'm in love with bad boy Sawyer. This couch potato type behavior is recommended if you really need to not think about reality.
-I have decided that I will be supporting Hillary Clinton. No other comments on this one
-I hope Rudy Guiliani loses big in Florida. As much as some might not like HIllary, times that by 100 and that's how much I can not stand Rudy. He needs to come back to NY and repair his relationship with his children. Please stop talking about 9/11 everytime someone asks you a question. Enough said.
-I bought a beautiful dress for the nieces wedding..I mean Bat Mitzvah. Oy, it's kinda of like a wedding. I bought the dress at Lord and Taylor. We came home and found it online at Dillards.com for half the price...on sale! It just arrived today and I'm returning my L+T dress...I've just saved $85.00. It's the same damn dress.
-I better get to work.
-I have no updates on adoption...we are in a holding pattern...although I did dream last nite that my agency director said to me "it's coming this afternoon".

Welcome to this world

It's so funny...I am always talking about babies being "born" through adoption. But guess what? It happens the other way too. One of my dear friends, who is a regular blog reader had her beautiful baby girl this weekend...ladies and gentlemen, welcome Vera Ann! So beautiful...and I can't wait to meet you!!!! Mazel Tov Alysa and Rick!!!

I really saw her face

Whether or not you believe in analyzing dreams or that whether what we see in our dreams are true, I saw Lia-Rose last night. For the first time, I really saw her and "felt" her. I didn't have a good nite's sleep last night. A few things on my mind left me a bit aggaitated, and I tossed and turned. I finally fell off to sleep and then she came. She was my daughter. She was handed to me and I said to her "Hi, I'm your mom and I'm going to take care of you the rest of your life." She was not a baby. More like a four year old. She had long straight black hair and she had bangs.She wore a turtleneck sweater and jeans. She also wore glasses and she was absolutely the cutest daughter any woman could ask for. She let me hold her. We both looked at each other and I remember I was scared, and said to myself, "ok, what happens next."

In all this time, I have never really dreamt about her like this. Last night, I really saw her face....it reassured me. It calmed me. I felt fulfilled. I saw my daughter.

Please pray for my friend

One of my most special friends who I met through this blogging world had a very awful awful thing happen with her adoption. I am not going to go into details, for that is not my place, but it is a tragedy that is beyond explanation. There are no reasons sometimes except to believe that this was what is supposed to be. I pray for the son who you loved, although not physically together, I know in your heart he was all yours. He will be at peace always because he had this tremendous love from you and your husband. That is why he was given to you both in this way.

I pray for you Stephanie and Jason. I wish you peace and relief from this sadness. We will laugh and be joyful again. You will be family. And from your entire blogging family, I know how much we love and wish you only peace during this time.

Another baby has found her way to her mommy!

Mazel Tov to Jocelyn and Pacey!!!! Jocelyn had quite the adventure in her process....she never lost hope and her Pacey is all hers today!

My baby just got her baby

I was watching a private "gotcha video" of a friend of mine who adopted a beautiful little girl off the Waiting Child list. In the video you see her entire family and the happiness that this little girl brought them. It was overwhelming. I mean I have seen dozens of videos, but something about this one, really got me. The baby's grandparents were there and a the end of the video, the handsome grandfather said to the camera "My baby just got her baby." I started sobbing. And I got goosebumps. It was such a natural and beautiful sentiment.

My baby just got her baby. The family grows, and grandparents are watching their families blossom, all by the process of adoption. These little beings don't just come into our lives. They become sisters and nieces and cousins and granddaughters. I always think of what it means to Joe and I. But Lia-Rose is more then just our daughter. She will be Annie's baby sister, Adam's youngest sister, Lori's sister's daughter...her niece. Greg's baby niece, Hayley, Sydney and Addison's cousin, Aunt Dorothy and Uncle Mike's God-Granddaughter and Grandma Joyce and Granddad Aaron's fourth granddaughter. Lia-Rose has this big place in this family. A chair is yet to be filled, a crib yet to slept in. There is a big piece of every one's heart that is missing. Only Lia-Rose can fill it. Lia, one day my parents will say it too..."my baby is having a baby.".....you are OUR baby.

The most kissable

Ponim. Yes, a ponim. A face. In Yiddish that is. And yesterday I got my chance to kiss one kissable ponim...that of Alana Nika. I can't even tell you how quickly Susan and this adorable person have bonded. She's got eyes that can melt you and and a little body you just want to wrap up in your arms. The expressions are priceless. It is such a miracle to have this little new New Yorker formally from Russia in our midst. It brings you hope on a day when your agency tells you want they have no idea how long this wait is going to be. It gives you faith that in life you just never know what will happen. And those cheeks...you just want to kiss them for hours. Hope, faith, life's adventures and kissing a two year old to be who six weeks ago was in an orphanage...you know never know, you just never know.

I was passed on this wonderful distinction of "Blogging with a Purpose" from my dear Daniella. Thank you for pointing out the fact that you and ....well you and I..we do get each other and we share our words that so many might not understand...but thankfully you do, as do others. Blogging with a Purpose....I started this blog as a document to my daughter, my Lia-Rose, so she would know how much she was loved from day one...before she was real, before she was in our arms. She is loved. This journey has taken many turns. There is a positive day. A day when it feels like this is for real. That this will really happen. The next day...your down in the dumps. You belive you won't even come up for air. It's the hardest journey I have ever been on. Trying to stay positive when everything is pointing against you. Trying to smile. Trying to laugh. Trying to just say ...it is o'k, because it will be. When do u give up? When do you frown instead of smile. When do u say, I throw it all in. It's over. I can't do that. I just can't. Am I crazy? Am I being pollyanna-ish? Am I just stupid? To those out there who are on this journey with me....you understand. To those of you who support me through this...thank you. I couldn't do this without you. I have one thing to say to the world...I still believe in miracles. I believe that one day this wish will come true. I have my purpose. Thank you my Daniella for reminding me.

Update my shish

That's what my sister wrote in the comment section of the post below. So, I'll update. I have nothing to say. Truly nothing. I'm busy, Joe is home, Joe came home very sick and we have been nursing him back to his old self, I'm not feeling great myself, I am watching intensely the Primary Elections. I have nothing to say. Truly nothing. I feel so far away from my baby. I'm angry, I'm frustrated and I'm just numb to it all. I have nothing to say. (And by the way, if you wonder, Shish means Sister to my sister and me....that quite possibly is the most interesting information in this post.) I have nothing to say.

A letter

Dear China,

I know you are a very busy country with lots of going on. This letter from one lady in New Jersey, USA is probably not on anyone's top priority list, but if someone out there could read this and get back to me, I'd really appreciate it

My husband and I sent our dossier to the CCAA back in September of 2006. We have a log in date of October 27, 2006. We are very excited and anxious to adopt one of your beautiful children who has been left behind. We are grateful to you for allowing us this opportunity. The opportunity for me to be a mother, something I have only dreamed about. The opportunity to create a family and offer a child of the world so much love and security. When we sent you our file, we promised we would love this child as much as we would love a biological child. This has never wavered. Our entire extended family welcomes this child as well. Don't you worry, she will be taken care of. We have even picked a name for her. Lia-Rose. She is alive and living in our hearts right now. She is so real to us.

Dear China, can you please help me out here. What's going on? New referrals just were announced and we didn't get much further. In fact, we are still matching dossiers from late December of 2005. Dear China, that's a long long way from my log in. I am committed to this adoption more than anything in the world. I am changing my life to be more available for this baby and to be there for her whenever she needs me. Dear China, can you tell us anything? Can you tell us that things will improve? Dear China, there are thousands of families who wait as well. Some have families already, others, like me, only dream of this. Dear China, I promise I'll be the best mommy I can be. Dear China, can you help me start my family sooner? Can you?

Best regards,

 

Wendi C-C

Addendum: I did get one response, well, not from China..but from my sister...please read... Thank you Terrie for allowing us to share this. www.colicwaseasier.blogspot.com

New Year's Revolutions

....that's resolutions, but to Addie, they are revolutions. And, I kinda of like that. After all, the definition of a revolution is: A revolution (from the Latin revolutio, "a turnaround") is a significant change that usually occurs in a short period of time. How perfect. This goes without saying the kind of New Year's revolution I hope and pray for this upcoming year. A change, oh god, we are a community of people begging for a change. I pray deeply for us all to receive optimistic news. Change and miracles throughout this entire adoption community.

Yesterday, when we were with Susan and Alana Nika, well, it was almost surreal. For months I have been agonizing along with Susan, who went on a wild roller-coaster ride. It was one long continous paperchase....referrals that went sour, and a major hiccup after she had met and fell in love with this baby. Yet, here was this munchkin, having brunch with us in Manhattan. It really happened.

Last year at this time my friend Ann Marie was being tortured as well. The paper, the certifications, the interviews, the back and forth. But yet, here she sits, at the end of 2007 with the handsome and healthy baby Alexander. It really happened.

And my dear Stephanie. Who I fell in love with through the blog world. She waits, and waits, and began her concurrent adoption to bring home a brother for her Mei Mei. In the next few days she will have her court date. (YOU WILL) It really is happening.

There's Joanne and Mia, who went with her heart, and is now celebrating her first New Year's Eve with her daughter. It really happened.

Tonight we went through our "revolutions". Addie asked for Lia-Rose to come home.
Sydney hoped that Alana Nika would forget her past and have a happy future.

My mother gave me a special present this week. Engraved in stone, and sitting on an easel are these words "never ever ever give up". On this New Year's Eve, those are very fitting words, yes indeed.

A Happy and a healthy New Year!

"Life isn't bumper cars, Addie"

After a fantastic day in NYC, exploring the Xmas decorations, meeting the delish Alana Nika (more on this later), going to the Top of the Rock and "sitting in the clouds", heading into American Girl Store and having Addison join in unison screams with our friend Olivia, having chicken fingers, bagels, milk shakes and hot chocolate (not me, the girls) we got stuck in a two hour..yes I said, two hour traffic jam. That's two hours from about Fifty-Seventh Street to Fortieth Street out in the tunnel. Poor Sydney fell asleep and Addie kept me company..."bump those morons Aunt Wendi" "Beep your horn" "You can say bad words, it's o'k" "Hit those dumb people Aunt Wendi". O'k, perhaps not the nicest things for a 6 year old to say, but we were aggravated, and tired. Sydney woke up to these bold statements from Addie and proclaimed, in what I thought was a very deep commentary about life..."Life isn't bumper cars Addie!"

Hanging

Officially hanging with my girls...aka nieces, Sydney and Addie.
We got here at about 5pm...promptly snuggled in bed and watched High School Musical 2 and Hairspray. Had a picnic dinner in bed -Syd had pizza, Addie hated the Grilled Cheese sandwich I made her..."I never had this cheese before Aunt Wendi"...(it was swiss) and me, a Boca burger (80 calories of delish). Addie also told me that she can't wait for Lia to come ..."I am kinda of sick of all the attention Aunt Wendi". She also said that her mom reminds her of Tracey's Mom in Hairspray (John Travolta in drag) "except, my mom is not that fat and goes out more!"

Tooo cute...I love being a "mom"!!!!!!

Welcome Back

I am home. Arrived in Newark at 12:30am this morning. By the time my bags came and the drive home, it was nearly 2am. Don't worry mom, I slept (smile). I had a lovely time in Las Vegas. I am one of the few who goes there and doesn't gamble. O'k, I tried my luck at the slots and lost. Darn, I could have bought a pair of shoes with that money! I stayed at my Aunt and Uncle's beautiful house. It was a perfect retreat for me as they have a lovely private guest bedroom and bath. Felt like a comfy hotel room. I spent a lot of time with my Aunt Dorothy who is in her late 70's but honestly still acts and looks like she is in her early sixties. We ate, we talked, we shopped. I loved being with her. My Uncle is the Champ of the Poker Room and spent the days there, but hung out with us for great dinners at night. I love being with them. I ask them tons of questions about my grandparents and what my mother was like as a young girl. It's so interesting to me.

I also had a great time hanging with a dear childhood friend, Amy Starr...she is the bestest. I love being with her and she could in fact be one of the friends I have known the longest. We met when were were 4! Amy is beautiful and was the perfect hostess. We had a wonderful time just drinking a bottle of red wine and chatting away. It was truly relaxing. I can't wait to hang out agains soon.

Now back and in my own surroundings again, I am focused on eating right again. I enjoyed my vacation and relaxing about what goes in my mouth. I did manage to walk everyday that I was away, so hopefully that helped fend off any extra poundage.

Joe is having a ball in AU still. I told him tonite that I was ready for him to come home today. I really do miss him!

And tomorrow, my big New Year's Eve weekend begins....they say (and who by the way is "they") that you should spend your New Year's the way you want your year to be. Therefore I'll be celebrating with my nieces, Sydney and Addison. You see, I want my year filled with kids! ( We did invite Hayley, but apparently...well she is 14, enough said) I am so excited to have them all to myself. I'll be taking them into the city to see the sights, and meet the amazing and beautiful Alana Nika as well as some other friends. I am really happy to have their company this weekend!

I'm a little blue tonite. Only because I am missing my Lia-Rose. I know that sounds funny, to be missing someone that I haven't met yet, but, well, I think you know what I mean. I won't complain, I won't say what has already been said...remember, anything is possible, and I'll stick to that.

Just another number

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13

14


Months Logged In

Christmas ramblings from a Jew..and Miracles

As a Jewish person Christmas sort of has a different meaning. Being married to a non-Jew does mean there are certain Christmas customs that you now partake in. However, this year with Joe being away, I am all Jew again. Now, in Vegas with my Aunt and Uncle, we are truly just relaxing and enjoying a somewhat quiet morning. Last night we hit the casino....for the grand buffet. The place was loaded with kids and families, many by the way whom were Asian. It really didn't "feel" like Christmas Eve, but then again, what does Christmas Eve "feel" like?

As a kid, I remember Lori and I daydreaming that if we decorated the plastic plant in the living room maybe Santa would find us too. I also remember "hearing" Santa's sleigh pass our house and get very upset. As a young Adult, Christmas Eve meant one thing to all of us trendy and "urban" types....it was the annual "Matzah Ball", yes, I said the "Matzah Ball". This annual Christmas Eve tradition is held in big cities with lots of Jews...basically, it's singles looking to 'hook up' for the holidays. I'll never forget one year the very un-Jewish former ex Philadelphia Seventy Sixer Charles Barkely partied with us on Christmas Eve. Apparently (smile) he liked Jewish girls.

Today, as an adult, Christmas means something. It's a special day for my husband and his family and so many of my friends. It is time for all of us to exhale and enjoy family. It is a chance to ask G-d for a miracle.

Years ago I studied and read alot of Marianne Williamson's writings. She based much of her new age sprituality on something called "The Course in Miracles". This bible like book talks about love, and family and of course, Miracles. The simple definition of a miracle is this..."a shift in thought". Think how powerful that is...."a shift in thought". A dear friend of mine in this adoption community (who will reamin nameless) is I'm afraid in a very negative place. Negative in the sense that she is questioning whether or not this miracle of adoption will in fact ever really happen. Today, Christmas Day, I am praying for her to have a miracle. Quite simply, I want her to believe again. To shift her thought and believe again.

I will hope today that we all are touched by this miracle as well. We need to all believe again...to hold true to that belief and what a huge change can occur for us all. It will be our Christmas Miracle, even us Jews (smile)...may we have lots of these Christmas miracles today! xoxo

I left my heart...

In San Francisco! What a great city! Gorgeous views, interesting streets, great food (which unfortunetly I am enjoying a bit to much), nice nice people and the new home for my little K-Jo. Having a ball. Spent the yesterday and today in Napa and then hiked through the Redwood Forest. Friday afternoon spent with my friend Leah and her son Kenson and family at the Chinese/American School. Visited Chinatown and literally felt like I was in China. I Am hobbling and limping around because I overdid a walk on Friday morning....if you haven't walked the streets of San Francisco, you won't understand...but it is really really steep. I am truly in pain. But the fine wines of and great foods of Napa sure know how to cure any aches and pains. Oh, plus ths San Francisco Farmer's Market...awesome... Kristen and I had a great time. Aside from fighting a few times a day...totally like my sister she is... She is my little darling and I'm beyond proud of her...this town is fantastic and I'm so glad that Kristen has the chance to live and grow here...
thank you for an amazing time! Check out the pics...here and Kristen's side of the story at Kristen's blog

Happy Holidays and a breaking news bulletin

I had written the post below last nite, when I happily unplugged myself from cyber space. Of course, I still had my blackberry and thank god for that...my Rumor Princess herself, my BFF Daniella was stalking the internet late last night and this morning I found an an email from her ...to me and Audrey! We are OUT OF REVIEW!!!!!!!!

IT'S TRUE! The China Center of Adoption Affairs (CCAA) my fairy god mother, lists the following : The CCAA has finished the review of the adoption application documents registered with our office before October 31, 2006.

Someone in China read our Dossier. She or he read about how crazy I am ....to be a mother....she read how nuts Joe and I are about Lia-Rose. She read the story that my neice Sydney had written for me about Lia-Rose. Someone in China knows that Wendi, Joe, Adam, Annie, Joyce, Aaron, Lori, Gregg, Hayley, Sydney and Addison are anxiously awaiting our baby girl. Someone in China said, it's o'k...this woman is o'k to be a mommoy!!!!

Now does this make the wait any shorter...unfortuently NO. But, this was the last stop before the matcher....ok, o'k, ok! I'm excited. And to god...thank you. I prayed I needed a little pick me up...this sure did it!!!! Thank you CCAA!!!!

Now back to our originally slated blog post....

Hi my dear friends in blog land, I am taking this time to wish you all a happy and a healthy New Year. I am right now on a business trip but coming home tomorrow to wash my clothes and pack up my bags.

 

While my husband celebrates with family across the world, I treated myself to a little getaway. Thursday through Sunday I'll be in San Francisco.
I'll be hanging with my little friend Kristen Jo. Our plans include a trip to Napa Valley over the weekend, which I'm really excited about. For some reason I imagine a Sideways weekend, minus picking up strangers. We also have a few hikes planned. I'm meeting up with another dear friend Leah (yes, here name is Leah) who is seven months pregnant. I'll be meeting her gorgeous son Kenson who is four. On Friday nite we are going to the Christmas pagent at the English/Chinese school that her son attends. Her son's father is half black/half Chinese, and they make sure her son understands his Chinese ancestry. Leah figured I'd enjoy a nite out at this school…and she is right, I can't wait.

 

On Christmas Eve, I take off and fly over to Las Vegas, where every good Jew celebrates Christmas. I'll be sitting around the poker
table Christmas Tree with my Aunt and Uncle Dorothy and Mike. I'm back in NJ late on the 27^th…*yes our 14 month lid…whoopie! I say sarcastically.

 

So, I am busy and just want to make sure you know how much I love you and all, and wish you only happiness this holiday season. I am going to try to post, but just in case I don't…HAPPY HOLIDAYS….ENJOY AND BE SAFE.

 

And, Susan is returning home with Alana Nikka! I am overjoyed for her.

 

xoxo

Sunday in bed

I am cold and tired. All in a good way. I am taking advantage of cancelled plans and freezing rain and staying in bed. With computer on my lap I type away, do work, browse the web, watch missed episodes of Ugly Betty (ABC streaming is very cool), check into everyone's blogs and am tempted to have a glass of wine. I need this day.


It feels like it has been a long year...and it has. A year filled with waiting, and waiting and can I say waiting again. I will say no more, but yesterday while waiting in line to checkout at a store....the line was wrapped around four times before you got to the cash registers...
I imagined the line to be the line we are in waiting for our referrals. I patiently and slowly moved. Along the way, I stopped, and talked to those in line with me. We commiserated, we were aggravated. In the first aisle I was optimistic and filled with hope that the line would move quickly. As I wrapped around the second aisle, I got angry and frustrated. When I hit the third aisle, I almost gave up, but was nudged by the lady in front of me ..to stick with it, I was almost there. I finally made it to the counter. Checked out quickly and then made my way into the rest of my day. The wait behind me, I felt happy and satisfied that my time waiting was well worth it.

AMEN

The cutest little munchkin in the world has FINALLY been matched with the most beautiful, sweetest and special mommy in the world! (I had to post her picture S, I hope you don't mind...I'm going to eat her up when I meet her!)

Sleepy and tired

For so many reasons, this week is a very busy and hectic one. Not to mention , I have a huge box of presents that need to be packed up and mailed to Aussie this weekend. I am a tad bit stressed. I heard from my hubby, he is happily settled in Australia. He is staying at his best friend's house in the South of Perth, which is one of the nicest neighborhoods in the world. Note to Joe-One day when we have our Australia home, this is the not a bad neighborhood to consider.-As soon as he arrived home in Aussie, he headed over to see the kids. Apparently, Annie is now taller then him, and as beautiful as ever. Adam was doing great, and this month officially becomes a "certified working man". I can't believe how quickly time flies. He was just 16 when I first came into his life. Poor Susan, she is still having adoption blues in Russia. The good news is she is with her daughter, well, some of the time,, her poor little munchkin is in the hospital, getting better but stuck there. Susan revisits the courthouse tomorrow, hopefully with the final adoption decree. Fingers crossed my dear friend.

And now, only because I feel like sharing a cute tale, I will completely steal something from my sister. Heck my shish, u didn't blog about this yourself, so that gives me the opening…My sister was at the synagogue meeting with the rabbi, or the cantor, but for purposes of this tale, we will call it the rabbi, she had the girls with her as it was a bat mitzvah meeting. Addie was with them, of course, and quietly sat coloring while the others were chatting away. Suddenly, the rabbi looked down at what Addie was drawing. He looked up at Lori and said….hmmm, interesting (o'k not sure exactly what he said, but that sounds good ) Lori looked down at Addie's drawing and just sighed….u see my dear niece Addie, the cutest six and half year old girl in the world, was happily drawing a picture of a Christmas Tree….in the rabbi's office!!! J

 

 

I love this

This is a picture from last week, when me and new mama Stephanie had our blind date. I love this girl. (That's me on the right :) )

Sending out some love

I can blog about a million things right now the way I'm feeling. I'll start with this one, the fact that I just left Newark Airport hysterically crying. Like a bad movie when the girlfriend says farewell to her man. Yep, that was me. My husband is on his way to Australia, and the worst part of the trip is the next two days. I can't phone or email him. I hate the feeling so much. Like you need the person so badly and you can't get to them. I hope my husband knows how much I really really love him. There were a few moments in the last twenty four that maybe we weren't the nicest to one another, it happens, but at the end of the day, he is all that matters to me. I love you Joey and you have the safest bestest trip. You are my husband, my love and the father of MY daughter. Enjoy MY stepchildren and have fun catching up with your friends and family. I love love love love love you. And call me as soon as you can.

 

The other thing on my mind is my dear friend Susan. Some stupid hiccups in her adoption process have left her upset all the way across the world. Her munchkin is so close to being hers, yet, still …. Why is this process so damn hard. Why is it that we, those of us in the adoption community, are constantly faced with craziness? Why can't it be simple!! Are the best things in life the hardest, most definitely I suppose? But come on…poor Susan, give the girl a break...pretty please. Susan, if you happen t read this, you are definitely not alone..this will all work out…hold tight. You are very very close. We love you!

Susan is in Russia!!! Follow along and send her good vibes...she meets the judge tomorrow!

The motions

Haven't blogged in awhile, been busy. Doing o'k, but also going through the motions.

Attended an industry Xmas party yesterday. Last year at the same party I had told friends about the adoption and I had envisioned that this year I would be carrying Lia-Rose's photo around bragging about my baby. But, it was fast forward 12 months and pretty much the same situation. O'k, there is a difference-I've grown spiritually, shrunk in dress size, met incredible friends, formed my support group, have connected with adoption experts and specialists. Lia is even closer to me than ever in spirit.

Is it o'k, to love someone so much who doesn't even exist? I am a mother in a way I was not one year ago. We are going through the motions but certainly getting closer.

 

In one of those "drive you crazy" moments …I was speaking with a nice woman, who yes I know meant well, but gave you the old "well I know someone that adopted one chinese daughter and then got a call from her agency that the daughter's biological mother had another baby and wanted the girls to be raised as sisters. I'll get you the number of the agency." First of all, thank you, you meant well. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY! Chinese babies are abandoned and all record of parent is lost. The above scenario is impossible. Oh well, you grin and bear it. This is all part of the process.

 

My hubby leaves for Aussie on Monday for a month. My friend Gary is staying here with me, not on purpose, it just worked at that way. As much as I'm totally o'k by my lonesome, it will be nice to have company. I have a few business trips coming up and then a trip to see friends in San Francisco and family in Vegas. This Holiday season is going quickly; let's get through it and into 2008….and stop just going through the motions!

Hanukah

To my fellow Jewish friends….a happy and a healthy Hanukah! For each night we light a candle, let's say a little prayer for our children all over the world….whether here in the States, in Australia, China, Russia or Ethiopia…we wish you the joy of this special holiday.

 

"Oh Hanukah Oh Hanukah come light the menorah…."

A warm night on a very cold day

I had the pleasure last night to meet live and in person my dear friend Stephanie. A complete angel. We have been following each other's blogs for some time now and when we met, it felt like we knew each other forever. It was really cool to learn that we had a lot in common. Truly…a lot. As many of you know, the adoption journey is a very unusual experience. There are moments of true excitement, followed by tears and fears. You rebound on some days with great talk about your baby, and then the next you want to bury your head in the sand. I cannot say enough how important these new relationships mean to me. The friendship of every single one of you who comes to this blog. I feel closer to some of you, my dear friends, then I do with friends who I am bonded with simply by years of knowing one another. Stephanie, it was my pleasure meeting you last night. I am super excited for you to journey to your Samuel. xoxo

no idea what to title this

This is just one of those poasts that I am not sure what to title or where I am going with this. Last night was so much fun, and exactly what I needed. We went to fellow waiting family-Chris and Tim's home for dinner with them and other waiters-Paul and Denise and Erin and Michael. It is amazing to be in a room filled with people who you don't have to explain anything. They understand. I was taking about the fact that hitting the year mark has been hard for me. Suddenly my upbeat and positive attitude has hit rock bottom. Paul agreed and said they had gone thru the same thing at about that point as well. Keep in mind he and his wife have been waiting 22 months, almost 23. He told me you get to a point where you accept again...and exhale and just let it all unfold. There is not a thing u can do. The evening was fun and I had two glasses of wine, which really helped. Tonight little Miss Stephanie and I meet and I can not wait! I am sending early good wishes to Susan, who heads off to Russia on Wednesday!!! Toooo great! That is all for now. Smile Audrey! And Daniella ...get your tiny butt up here!

Can't explain it

The mood I'm in is very, well, I just can't explain it. I'll leave it at that.

We had our updated Home Study meeting this morning. I of course, was nervous. But, it was totally cool. The Social Worker sat with us about an hour and a half and besides just general "yentaing" we had a really great discussion about the Waiting Children's program. She has two daughters from China. One was a SN adoption (that's Special Needs)-a six year old-doll. Both girls are doing fine. It was a very enlighting conversation.

I still feel numb for some reason. I can't pin point it. But, I'm ready to just move forward, and am asking the Universe...to do your stuff!

On a positive note, tomorrow we are getting together with a bunch of Jersey Waiting Families over at our friends' Tim and Chris' home. And then on Monday ...I will have a great big treat when one of my favorite blogger/and now girlfriend Stephanie....the new MOMMY comes to town.

And finally, tonite I babysat my friends' daughter-Nyla. An eighteen month year old! We had the best time. She called Joe DaDa at one point and my dog Molly, Mol Mol.
I gave her two little books I had bought for Lia-Rose and she loved them, so I let her keep 'em. I read her a story about a Mommy adopting her Chinese baby, and she read it back to me and said...that's "Nyla's baby". It was sooo cute. And quite franky, just what the doctor ordered.

what to do

Trust me. This blog post is about to suck. If you are a waiting parent, you may want to sign off right now. If you are about to meet or have your baby, please do not let me spoil your mood. If you are related to me or a close friend, right now you are asked to please not say the word patience or I understand. I am sorry, you don't. I may sound all bitchy and pissed off. I am. This is going to be me very angry and completely sick of this situation. And I do not know what to do. It is that time of the month. Referral rumors. And they are not looking to good. Months ago, when we were two months into the four months it took to get through November 05, the big word out there was that December would mean a bit of a speed up. They were going to be able to get through more dossiers, faster. Then by 2008, they would do half months at a time. Bull-shit. Rumor has it that they will may be process another week. This is friggin' crazy. I mean come on! There is so unfair. Thousands of us are waiting. I know I know, there are the babies too waiting...that is another thing. But right now I am just over the top. At this rate it will take another three years to get my child. I truly am at.a loss for words. I swear I am getting older as is Joe. I want to be around as long as possible for this child. I want my parents to be here. I do not know what to do. All I want is to build a family. I have the right to mother. I have the desire. I want my child. I do not blame anyone for this. I am just begging for some sort of direction. I am pleading to the universe for some sort of sign that this will work out. I am tired. Tired of smiliing and being patient. Dear god, give me the strength to figure this out. We need something positive to keep us going. Plese, a sign, some direction. I love you all. Please do not comment and say this is going to work out or be patient. Right now there our hundreds of us that need to hear more. Tell me what to do.

A wonderful day

Mazel tov to you my dear Stephanie! I am so happy and thrilled for you.

You are a mommy!!!

 

How great is that???

13

....and rumor had it that Britney Spears is adopting 6 year old Chinese twins! Come on now!
Happy Lucky 13 to Daniella and Audrey. This one snuck up on me!

Happy One year to you Stephanie.

Sad but joyous goodbyes

Written November 25, 2007

We said goodbye today to my Uncle Max. The Temple overflowed with mourners. He was so loved by all. There were glowing stories told and memories replayed by all. It was certainly a walk down memory lane and reconfirmed to me how blessed I am with such a large very extended family. So many are very accomplished and educated. Very dedicated to their faith and values.

I have cried so many tears today. I cried for the loss of Max. I cried for my past and I cried for the future. As we drive home now in bumper to bumper Thanksgiving traffic, I look over at my hubby, who had been driving for hours now. I am so lucky to have him in my life. He is my home. He is my family.

Someone hugged me after the burial and said "so many memories. So much history." I suppose that life is all about creating that history, those memories that future generations will share. Now I do that with Joe. For you Lia and our family. For Adam and Annie, for your cousins Hayley-Sydney and Addie.

And a personal apology to Alysa. I am sorry about the change in plans. Just some major family obligation and all that. Xo

I love this kid

My beautiful niece Sydney Juliana....aren't I a lucky Aunt.
She is special on the inside and outside. I am beyond proud of her.
Love you Sydney.

Thanksgiving 2007

 

Happy Thanksgiving to you my dear friends. Some who I have never met, but feel like I know so much about through the generous words you share. And others, who I know "in person" and I thank you for your undying love and support.

 

Having gratitude and counting your blessings is truly away to stay positive and to keep affirming that beautiful energy. What a better time to remember what you are thankful for then Thanksgiving. In no particular order, I would like to list some of what this gal is thankful for this year.

I am thankful for having a man like Max Goldberg in my life. I am blessed that for over 40 years I have called this man my "Uncle" and every single time I was with him, he brought only joy and love to my life. I am thankful that he didn't suffer in his final hours and that he had some of his children by his side when he passed. I love you my Uncle Max.

I am thankful that I have two incredible parents, Joyce and Aaron, who today are celebrating 48 years of marriage! I am grateful for everything you have done for me and the love and concern you continue to share. I am thankful for having a daddy who knows how to use a cell phone and a mommy who still likes to talk to me every day. I am beyond thankful that I still have my mommy and daddy.

I am thankful for a husband who is the hardest worker I know. Who has sacrificed things in his life to be able to make a family with me. A husband who loves his children Adam and Annie so much and has room in his heart to love our daughter Lia-Rose. I am thankful for two great stepchildren who are open and honest with our circumstances and I'm so thankful that Joe can be with them this holiday season. I am also very proud of my stepson who in a few weeks time will have finished his four year training program and at 21 years old will have his "papers" and be certified in his auto mechanics.

I am thankful for an incredible sister and brother-in-law who love us unconditionally. I am thankful for three beautiful nieces, who are really coming into their own. I am thankful for a Bat Mitzvah celebration to look forward to in a few short months. I love you Sydney, Hayley and Addie

I am thankful that this morning Joe and I worked out at the gym. A year ago, my husband was having his hip replaced, this morning, he was working out. I am so thankful he is out of pain and can start working out again.

I am thankful for great friends I have made through this process—and you know who you are!!!

I am thankful for having a career that is going to blossom very soon…..more to come!

I am thankful for the health that I have been blessed with…and more importantly, my families' health.

I am thankful for all the new families that were formed and are being formed this year…Ann Marie, Zach and the most famous Czar of all time, Alexander; my dear friend Alysa who is expecting in a few weeks a (the very boring get fat way (Smile)); "my friend Susan "who will be on her way to Russia in two weeks!!!!; and little Miss Stephanie who is getting the phone call to change her life any minute now! I am so thankful and excited for all of you!

I am thankful for my perfect doggie-Molly Carroll

I am thankful for the 27^th of each month when I can say, another month down in our wait for Lia-Rose.

And now, on a much lighter note----I continue…..

 

I am so thankful for seeing Kate in May after she had lost 15 pounds. Her new body, blew me away, and the fact that she was the same age as I am. If it wasn't for feeling so fat that day and seeing her at the same time…I wouldn't have lost all the weight I have (25 to 26 pounds)! Thank you Nutri-System.

I am thankful for the great new clothes "I just had to get!"

I am thankful for the elliptical machine at the gym positioned far from the air conditioner vent

I am thankful for 100 calorie Yoplait yogurt-Apple Turnover

I am thankful for the new Farmer's Market that opened in town-great fruit

I am thankful that in just a little over a year we will have a new President and the 'Weapons of Mass Destruction in Washington DC will head back to Texas. See ya!

I am thankful for Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte's return to the streets of NYC. I can't wait till May when the movie opens!

I am thankful for the sale at Kenneth Cole and my great new boots.

I am thankful for George Clooney and Patrick Dempsey and the guy from Law and Order, Chris Melioto or something like that, and the fact that men my age are still really handsome.

I am thankful we aren't sure if Tony Soprano died or not, that would have actually been really sad to think of him as dead

I am thankful for Simon Cowell and another year of American Idol to gab about with my sister.

I am thankful for Dunkin Donuts and Bagel Buffet Iced Decaf coffee

 

And, of course finally…..and I scream it out to the world…I am thankful for the strength I have found that helps me endure the challenges, the ups and downs of this roller coaster ride we call International Adoption.

Lia-Rose, I am thankful for the idea, the thought and the reality of you , my daughter!

 

Happy Thanksgiving to you all…let's go eat Turkey!

 

Rest in Peace

This morning I prayed deeply to g-d to let my Uncle Max go. Peacefully, calmly and knowing that he was beloved by all. He passed today at 9:30am. I will miss you forever. G-d bless you my dear Uncle Max.

just about blogging

It is the day before thanksgiving and you know what that means? Gridlock alert! It is 7:30 or so in the morning and the bus lane is already backed up! The joy of the daily commute. Luckily I can spend the time blogging, after all it is all about a good blog post. (Smile). No updates on my Uncle. He is now at a hospice. I feel terrible for my auntie and their kids. Perhaps this waiting is good for all of us in a sense. Does it help us accept what will be?

Anyway, not to much happening in our world. Although next week hopefully I can unveil what my "new world" will look like.

Joe and I needed a second car, and wanted basic and simple, not to mention cheap. We have a really nice Acura SUV so something to compliment. But half the price. So this year instead of getting our Lia we got our Kia! We picked up a little Kia Optima sedan. Although I feel as if I am in a rental car, it is very nice. At the dealership I realized this was the car when at the final moment of decision a two white women and their Chinese daughters walked in! I know, I am totally over-reaching. But the car salesman was happy that that helped my decision.

By the way, any typos, sorry, on my blackberry. So gotta go for now...the bus actually just made it to the tunnel! Happy day...

A moment to smile

Let's smile today....and go to Susan's blog...this is funny! Too funny.

Corner of the Sky

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers for my dear Uncle. He has been moved to a Hospice and we still wait. We wait for a peaceful passing. He is resting comfortably.

I've been thinking tons this weekend of my life. Feeling older and wiser, in some ways but yet the same girl who used to not want to sleep without her sister snuggled beside her. How did life go so fast? How did I wake up and suddenly become a middle-aged woman. (Yes, expecting a baby) but, I am supposedly middle-aged. I don't feel it at all. My parents and their siblings are aging. I'm losing relatives I love. In a few months my step-son (and although I haven't been in his life for long) will turn 21. My step-daughter Annie and niece Hayley are 14. Syd and Hayley will be having their Bat Mitzvah this spring. And Addie, she will be seven years old. It goes just like that.

 

One day we are dancing at your own Bat Mitzvah, opening gifts at your Sweet Sixteen, your Grandmom Rose dies, followed by the others, then you are graduating College, starting your first job and moving out on your own. Before you know it, you are driving up the NJ Turnpike and moving to NYC. You become the happiest girl on earth when your nieces are born. Then poof, your turning forty and meeting the man of your dreams. Its life, it moves quickly and we keep growing and looking for what will make us happy and peaceful.

In Sixth Grade we sang "Corner of the Sky" from Pippen as our graduating song. It always makes me cry. I thought of this song tonight for so many reasons. I thought I've myself, once singing this song and dreaming of big future. I thought of my baby…who truly is my reason. And most importantly, my Uncle, on his way to finding his corner of the sky…

 

I share with you the words. I wish I could download it here.

Corner of the Sky:

Everything has its season
Everything has its time
Show me a reason and I'll soon show you a rhyme
Cats fit on the windowsill
Children fit in the snow
Why do I feel I don't fit in anywhere I go?

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

Every man has his daydreams
Every man has his goal
People like the way dreams have
Of sticking to the soul
Thunderclouds have their lightning
Nightingales have their song
And don't you see I want my life to be
Something more than long....

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

So many men seem destined
To settle for something small
But I won't rest until I know I'll have it all
So don't ask where I'm going
Just listen when I'm gone
And far away you'll hear me singing
Softly to the dawn:

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

the cycle of our lives

I am so sad. I mean walkin around and trying not to cry sad. My uncle, my dear, sweet wonderfully special Max is on his deathbed. We await the call and are just about on our way there. He is passing, passing on to a place where he can rest. Where his soul will shine on forever. Oh Lia-Rose. I am thinking so much about you now. Trying to stay focused on our future but so very sad that Max will never see me as a mother and you will never meet him. His leaving us is hitting me hard. A smart older friend of my says she keeps her emotions in check because it is what happens in life. I can not accept that at face value. I understand that people age and then die, but that natural cycle still makes me sad. It makes angry. I do not want to lose anyone I love. Perhaps this adoption situation makes these life-cycle events have more significance. You want everyone to mmet your child, you see the months fly by and the so many that you love begin to age. You worry. You slowly move out of the middle generation into the older. You still are not a parent. Life is moving at lightening speed and you are just no closer. So I will mourn this loss. I will pray that in the next few hours he can peacefully pass on. He can rest an exhale. The beautiful news is that I know there will be one more angel in heaven soon. One more spirit for me to pray to. And I know he will join both Joe and my loved ones watching over my family here and in Australia and England. And of course, our baby in China. Be at peace Max.

I found this picture. This was on the morning of my wedding. It was a wet dreary day and Uncle Max and Aunt Reeva flew in from DC. They arrived early and as I was leaving the hotel...look who I saw...My Uncle Max. I was completely overwhelmed to see him. This photo caught that feeling that I had.




Aunt Reeva and Uncle Max at my wedding! Such a happy day!

Your prayers please

Tonite I ask all my friends in blogger land to say a prayer for someone who I love so much. My dear Uncle Max is very very ill. Uncle Max is actually my second cousin. I grew up knowing him as Uncle and at times I was closer to him then some of my "real" Uncles. He lives in DC with my Aunt Reeva. The two of them are truly two of my favorite people in the whole wide world. I have memories of being with them growing up. The Jewish holidays spent with the them in DC. Family events. And then finally as an adult, hanging with them and drinking Manhattans in Manhattan. They are so dear to me. I feel so close to them. I adore them both. They were thrilled when I married Joe. In fact they flew up here on the Shuttle to be with me. A memory I will never ever forget. When I told them about Lia-Rose, they were thrilled. They knew how much I wanted to be a mommy. Fast forward to today. Uncle is not doing well. He has a high fever, infections and pneumonia. He needs your prayers. When I saw him in July he was driving! We had dinner and he was telling me how much he loved his wife. He was running to the supermarket everyday. Doing errands. He was still trying to live his life. Uncle Max was a brilliant attorney in his day. He traveled the world and was active in his Temple.

He has a smile that lights up a room. A glimmer in his eye when he "kibbutzes" with you. Uncle Max, I love you. I want you to get better and live to see my daughter come home from China. I love you from the bottom of my heart. Please rest tonite and may tomorrow bring you health and strength. Please, say a prayer for my Uncle. For my dear Uncle Max.

6 Years Old and Five Broadway Shows

It's been a crazy few days of running around and spending time with my sister, kids and unfortunetly not much time with the husband. But a fun, if at times filled with 14 year old angst, was had by all. Not that any of this is really that interesting except to my sister and myself...I do document this as a journal for L-R. So bear with me.

Wednesday and Thursday I flew down to DC for some personal business. Very quick (sorry Alysa) and productive. Flew the shuttle back on Thursday afternoon and my 45 minute flight took four hours with flight delays and traffic. Note to self, take the Acela next time.

Friday Lori et al arrived. We had tickets to see Hairspray! Again, traffic marked the event. My five mile ride into the city took 90 minutes...at 3:30p! Anyway, found a cool restaurant in Zagets, "Spotlight" and arranged for a dinner reserveration at 5:30. "My friend Susan" (who by the way got her tenative court date!!!! Yea haw!!! (No "ken-a-hera's" yiddish for don't jinx it by talking much right now). We entered into a huge restaurant with stage, I mean a stage ...imagine a big dinner theater type feeling..better yet, a theater in a casino or cruise ship. Anyway, the stage had background singers, professional ones. And the audience (us) would get to go on an sing -karoke style-with them. Great concept. What they neglected to tell us was that Jason (or Justin) and Morgan, two very cute 8 and 10 year old Manhattan type children were having their birthday parties there! Omigod! Yikes. What I can tell you is that this age group loves High School Musical and Hairspray....I think we heard the same songs, over and over again! Lori, Hayley and myself got up for one =Seasons of Love -which actually felt like we were in RENT with our very ethnically diverse background singers. Lori got up for her famous rendition of Hit Me with Your Best Shot. Thanks for posting it Sus!

Anyway, after a very over-priced and noisy dinner we said good bye to Susan and we were off to Hairspray. It was amazing! I glanced over at Lori several times through out the show and she had a huge smile on her face. Sydney told me that Hairspray was her favorite. Hayley said that Legally BLonde and then Hairspray were her favs. And Addie...she loved it too! And then it hit me... this kid is six years old...and has seen five Broadway shows!!! That was our joke all weekend, and she would giggle each time I would say it...until she finally said, it's not funny anymore Aunt Wendi!

SO the show ends and we do what we do best, we stand outside the stage door and wait for the cast members. This has become a tradition for us. It was worth standing in the rain! We met them all! Lance Bass (Hayley was screaming!!!),




we met George Wednt from Cheers who played "Mama" (and we thought he was going to have heart attack on stage! OY! ), the gal who played Tracy-Marissa Perry=stopped and talked to Addie! It was so much fun.

Really great memories on Broadway for us. And yes, Addie gets so shy!

Yesterday it was hanging out (and putting up with some whining from a nameless child). Then onto see Bee Movie! Favorite line : "I met someone" "Is she a WASP?" "I hope she is Bee-ish"! Adorable. And we got Addie's outfit for the Bat Matvah. Can I say "Princess?". Beautiful!

TOday, I said goodbye to my favorites and actually went by myself to see Fred Claus. I loved it. But I am a geek.

Anyway, listening to the Hairspray soundtrack now. ....."Good Morning Baltimore"! Hope your weekend was great!

Sometimes life gets in the way of rainbows

I didn’t blog about this until now because everything is totally fine. But I did have a small little hiccup in my mammogram a few weeks ago. Panic set in when I go the call to go back and get more shots. Something didn’t look right. My doctors both called me and assured me they thought it would be fine. The scheduling nurse at the mammogram facitlity did as well. But, you still panic. You panic that your whole future can change in the blink of any eye. The idea of having a baby. Forget about that. The thoughts were just that. Thoughts. Today I went back and all was o’k. There was nothing there. Nothing.

But, I had to go back there for a reason.. And now I realize why I went there today at just the time a beautiful woman named Mary walked in.

We both sat in our robes awaiting the technician. I was so nervous. Mary was too. She sat talking on the phone.

Her phone rang and the sound of a little girl’s voice rang out as her ring-tone. I smiled and asked her who that was and she said, my daughter. She went on to say, my daughter is dead. We then both broke down and cried. And cried. And cried. I went over to her and hugged her. She asked me if I had a daughter. I told her I was adopting and it was far off. She smiled and said that was wonderful. She told me this was the first time she had really ventured out.

Her daughter Stella died just nine months ago at the age of 6 from Leukemia. She was an absolutely gorgeous child. Her family, father-mother, and three older brothers are devastated, of course. The family has used this raw horrible sadness and started a foundation “The Stella Linado Rainbow Foundation”. Stella loved rainbows her mommy told me. They are determined to help beat this disease through education and research. On November 29th they are doing a big concert in the city as a major fundraiser.



Check out the website: stellasrainbowfoundation.org. There are also more photos of her. Donate. Hug your children. Your pets. Your husband. We are blessed. I am grateful my pain is just the pain of this long wait. I am grateful that I can deal with this. I have my health. I have my family.

God bless Mary and her family. I am going to help her by trying to spread the word to some of my media friends. They are one special family. Sometimes life gets in the way of rainbows.

A wonderful story

Fantastic! Just watched and just stopped crying!
Watch this

Hit "Never too late" Episodes 1-3.
I loved this

dear child of mine

Dear child of mine,

I have dreamt about you my whole life long. I wonder how you feel, how you sound how you smell. I have visions of you. A smile, a laugh, even a cry. I wonder sometimes how to still believe. Will my dream come true or is this destined to not be? To believe is hard. It is trying. It is very painful. I have heard that we are given in life what we can handle. Am I capable of staying true to my dream? To not letting the fear divide me from my path? Is this a test of faith? A test of desire? Am I meant to mother? To raise a human being?

Dear child of mine, so far away yet closer then ever. Please give mr a break. Give us an indication that holding on is the right thing to do. Please, dear child of mine, come to be.


Post script-thank you Susan. It is ok to give in. Give up and just let it be. It is ok.....love is no less...it just is.

a ok

My procedure went well yesterday. Aside from some cramps (truly mild) and a bit of post-procedure woozy-ness, I am fine. My anesthigiologist (totally spelled wrong, I know) was a Chinese woman. She was so nice and I asked her to wake me up saying "Nee How". It was funny because I was yapping away to her about my adoption as my doctor, the very same one who tried to get me pregnant stood by. I just thought it so ironic. But all this is over. That is good.

The other night I was at a fanastic very NY charity dinner. Sat right next to me was a very beautiful young woman. She told me her age (young twenties) and then I gasped that I although I would have been very young, could have been her mom. Add to that she was Chinese and we laughed, because of course I told her my daughter is waiting for me in China, she called herself "my daughter in the future". I loved that. We were having an interesting discussion about what her Chinese culture meant to her and she said, family, food and who she is or isn't supposed to be with. I am paraphrasing, but in many ways I would answer the very same thing.about what being Jewish means to me.

I have to thank my friend Daniella for the very special surprise. I am going to try to find a picture of it to post, I am lame, I do not know how to download pics very well...it is a handmade gift just for Lia-Rose (a small blankie that a fellow blgger designs) it is fantastic and I know her daughter Mimi will be holding hers along with L-R in China! D it was reallyso sweet of you. I love the color choice! You got me!

Last nite I watched Private Practice, which I may like bettter then Grey's...there was a storyline about a woman with a serious disease who was trying not to have a baby because she was going to die. Addison, and not my niece but the character, said to her that everyone has the right in life to live the life they choose and have the children they desire. I agree with that sentiment. These days are not easy days for me. I fight everyday to believe, to hold faith, to stay positive. I have the right to be a mother. It is a need deep inside of me. I have my punching gloves on and I am going to fight through this wait.