Tears

I have to tell u that I am so sorry to be so down lately. I try to hard to be positive. To think about this adoption from a much bigger place. "the wait is the wait"..."she is definitely going to come." ..."she is there and I am a mommy". All that wonderful stuff that I tell myself and I tell other adoptive families. But, the reality right now is crushing. It truly looks like the most recent referrals-they matched two days! That's two days 10/24/05-10/26/05. That means people with the exact log-in date as ours, one month before, missed a match by one day. That means that they still haven't matched all of the October 05 log-ins. I am not an expert, but apparently this is the lowest monthly match in forever. One theory is that because of Chinese New Year in Feb, they were unable to process waiting babies, so there was limited amounts of "paper-ready" babies. I am frustrated beyond belief. I feel terrible for the waiting families that are so close, and yet so far away. I feel terrible for all the babies that are stuck in orphanages all over the world. I feel really terrible for me! Last nite, I cried. I came home from work, barely looked at my husband, ate two pieces of chocolate (i just had to), took myself up to my bedroom and cried. And cried ...and cried. This is the lowest I have felt about this process. I feel so frustrated and angry. Last nite I also felt this anxiousness that she is there and I can't feel her. That I can't pick her up. I know that at our darkest hours, sunshine prevails quickly. I know I will feel better. I know that things will keep moving forward and change is inevitable. But, right now all I know is Angelina is talking about adopting another daughter by this summer. And we wait and wait and wait.