We had a bit of health scare with someone in very close to me in my family. ALL IS FINE. But, it was scary and so many thoughts went thru my mind. I have been so disturbed and depressed (yes I said the word) with all the news of the wait times...lack of referrals...yada yada yada, that when I heard that this person was not well....I really was upset. I needed to be with them, and Joe and I made sure we were. At the end of the whole day I am sitting here with a glass of wine and breathing a sigh of relief. It was good to be with family. It was good to know that my family is close and we love each other. It was good to know that my husband was there for me. It was good to know that my work family was supportive. I am blessed. I have so many wonderful things that I am so grateful for. I am truly blessed. I have everything I want and need. There is however, the one huge piece that is just waiting to be filled. It is YOU...it is Lia-Rose. It is my daughter. My child. I hope one day that you read this blog. That you know how much your mother loved you. That you know that your life may not have began inside of me physically, but emotionally, you are right here...right inside my heart. You are growing inside of me. Inside of my heart, my soul, myself. I had one one of those a-ha moments this week. I admit something. I didn't try that hard to get pregnant. What I mean is this. I met Joe when I was 40 (almost 41) and after we knew we were going to marry I went to the Gyno. She tested my hormonal levels and the results came back that my eggs weren't great. I was 41 at this point. She point blank said, you are going to probably need donor eggs. I had also at this point been suffering with fibroid issues and knew that I'd have to do something about that eventually. After we married we tried to get pregnant the natural way. Nothing happened. I saw a fertility specialist and he gave me a round of fertility drugs which would lead to possibly artificial insemination or IVF. I forget exactly what happened here, but know that even with the fertility pills, I was producing may two or three eggs. The doctor said to me at this point....IVF will not work...u can't water a dead plant. Effectively my eggs were old and not viable. So another year or so goes by...we keep trying...of course nothing happens. Could I have continued to do fertility drugs? Could I have tried a round or two of IVF? I know I could have. I didn't. I just didn't feel the drive. I didn't try that hard.
I had to deal with my fibroid and in '05 elected to do so. My options were a laporscopictechnique (but no one can guarantee that this wouldn't effect fertility), a myomectomy which entails major surgery but preserves the uterus and fertility, or of course a hysterectomy. I elected to have the myo..."just in case". And the surgery was great...I felt better...but still didn't' get pregnant...and still wasn't driven to get the fertility meds and all the treatments. At one point after this someone extremely close to me said she would give me an egg. We discussed it and it was the most beautiful thing anyone had everyone wanted me to do. But there would be no guarantees. I dropped it. I didn't try that hard.
O'k, my point in all of this, and truthfully I write this with the hope that in 20 years a beautiful little Chinese American woman is reading this about her mom and her life and she sees that our union was truly meant to be. I was meant to give birth to her thru adoption. I am one of those people who when she wants something ...she gets it. This adoption is meant to be. I know that in my heart....I know that. Lia-Rose....you are the daughter I have dreamt about ...this is the way it's supposed to happen. I have to believe that this wait is here because we are supposed to be together this way and in this time. Remember what the Chinese say about the "red thread"....Chinese wisdom tells us that certain people are destined to come together in this lifetime.When people are so destined, nothing - - not geography, not age, not circumstance - - will change that destiny. These people are thought to be connected by A Red Thread.
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5 comments:
Our journeys are kinda parallel: tests, myomectomy, drugs, IVF — please don't say you didn't try that hard.
And I know ther isn't much I could say to brighten your day about the adoption. Sometimes we just need to get through these dark spots on our own. This is when we really learn about ourselves and come out the other side as a better person...Really, I believe that. I also believe that Lia-Rose is on her way to you. Whether it takes a year, two years or even three, she is on her way and it will be fantastic. Keep your eye on that beautiful prize.
I'm sorry to hear about your family member health scare but so glad to hear everything is fine.
Wow, we have a lot of similarities.....the eggs, the firbroid issues.
I love that I can come to your blog and leave feeling better about the adoption. Thank you again for the positive spin.
Hi Wendy
I know that you remember me....Terri....my husband Tony, daughter Victoria and I lived next to Lori in NJ. I have been following your blog for a while and decided that today I needed to write to you to offer my words of encouragement. 9 years ago today I stood at an orphanage in North Vietnam and was given the best gift of my life-the gift of motherhood. Our daughter Victoria was placed in my arms and changed everything. The feelings of "it's never going to happen", "I can't wait any longer" and "why me" were replaced with the most incredible gift of all. Victoria was 3 1/2 weeks old and I became her mother. I looked at her and could not believe that this precious, beautiful baby was my daughter. After 6 years of praying, hoping, trying every means of becoming a mother...it happened. I was fulfilled from that moment and not a day goes by that I don't tell Victoria how much she means to me and that I love her more than life itself.
Wendy, I know how hard it is to be patient especially when you want life to happen. It will! You will soon become a mother and your life will change. You will feel like everything that you waited so long for is now happening so fast. You think that you love Lia-Rose now-just wait. That love becomes something that you could not even imagine. It is incredible! There are so many times that I forget that I did not give birth to Victoria but I know that I gave her life.
I just want to let you know that all of your feelings are so normal. There were days when I would need my "20 minute breakdown" and then move on. Tony would encourage me by saying there was no reason to get upset over something that I had no control over. Even though I hated to hear it and would be upset over the unfairness of who became a mother before I did....he was right.
9 years later I look at our fabulous 9 year old daughter and cannot remember what life was before I became her mother. Soon you will feel the same way and get ready to answer the next question "are you going to adopt again?'. I feel so fulfilled as Victoria's mother and she is more than I thought I would ever have.
Our adoption journey began in May 1996 when I attended the first meeting on adoption. We started paperwork to adopt from China in Sept. 1996. We had an opportunity to adopt from Vietnam (when a new program started in Vietnam)and was given our first referral in Oct 1997. Days before I was to travel to Vietnam to meet our daughter, we were told that she died from pneumonia. We were devastated! We then had 24 hours to decide if we wanted to wait for another referral. After many hours of crying and talking we said yes but did not want any information on the next referral-especially no pictures. Setting ourselves up for another heartbreak would have been too much. We only asked to be told her age. We received a call on March 18,1998 and we were told that our referral was a newborn. She was born on March 17,1998. We had chosen the name Victoria after a close friend who died of breast cancer 2 years prior-she was 29 years old. Since we had "bonded" with the picture of our first referral and agreed to name her Victoria...I did not think that I could do it again. Tony just said" look at her and you will know what to name her when you see her, just let me know what you decide." I waited until 2 days before I left for Vietnam(on April 11, 1998) to exchange all the clothing for newborn sizes and pack(just incase anything changed). I left Philadelphia on April 11, 1998 and arrived in Vietnam on April 13, 1998. That was the beginning of my life as a mother. I looked at my baby and realized that life indeed goes on and Victoria was the perfect name. The best part was that after many delays in Vietnam, Victoria and I arrived home on Mother's Day 1998. That is the how I began Victoria Lien Petrillo's mom.
I will be thinking of you.Just know that your journey of waiting to become a mother will soon be replaced with your journey of being a mother.
Love to you, Joe and Lia-Rose and all of your family from our family.
Terri, Tony and Victoria (who is an honorary NJ Clark girl)
ttvpet@yahoo.com
Wendi, allow me to write a note to my dear friend,Terry Petrillo,
Terry,
You are so wonderful and your timing couldn't have been better. Wendi called me as soon as she received your beautiful note, and I read it and it gave me chills.
You are an angel, and we love you :) And that Victoria too! xoxo (And Tony's pretty great too!)
Love, Lori, Gregg and Girls
Hey, you guys made me cry! In a good way, though. Thanks so much Terri...your incredibly beautiful story came at a perfect time for Wendi, and for me, too. Congratulations to you, your husband, and your incredibly lucky daughter.... and thanks so much for sharing.
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