Time moves on

Today marks exactly one year from when we officially started the adoption process. A year ago today, we had our homestudy. I remember being so nervous. I had the house cleaned and scrubbed, I didn't allow Joe to move anything out of place. I bought a big bag of bagels and fruit. When she pulled up, I ran outside to meet her and saw that she had a bumper sticker on her car for Kerry/Edwards. I felt relief. At least we were both Democrats. She walked up the steps into our unit and got a splinter in her finger on the wooden staircase. I was sure we would "flunk". She walked in and my dog MOlly didn't bark. In fact she snuggled next to her. Perfect I thought. About 5 minutes later she asked me for a cup of coffee. Stupid me...I was so nervous, I had the food out but I forgot to ask her if she wanted a drink. I was going to be the worst mother!!!! Four hours later we were finished. It was kinda of fun...I love talking, so I got my chance. We showed her around the house and she thought it was lovely. About four weeks later, the report was finished, and we were off to the next step! Now it's a year later. We have been logged in since October. Time does move...before you know it, it's another year. Rumor has it that referrals are around the corner. I believe they finally got into November of 05. Slowly but surely, time moves on.....

ONE WORD-or two

SIX MONTHS LID TODAY!!!!!

SLOWLY BUT SURELY.......

Friends

(No this isn't about the television show. But I always try to add an graphic that represents what I am writing about.) Tonite I worked out and then met 'my friend Susan' for dinner at an old diner I used to hang out at, the Shining Star on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. By the way, I was there so many times thru the late '90's and the early 2000's that when I walked in the waiter embraced me and then went on to tell me about MY LIFE....pretty much remembering everything! Anyway, the point of this posting is not about that. It's about that as a by product of this adoption process, I have made some of the most fabulous new friends. Susan, aka "my friend Susan", is someone who I met thru this journey. We actually found each other in a coaching class we were both taking. The International Adoption connection led us together...in fact we actually realized we lived down the street from each other for years!...again, back to the topic. But having this connection. Going thru the ins and the outs of adoption has led to a really great friendship. And she isn't the only one. There's Ann Marie, who I worked with for years. Come to find out, we both are adopting, and that has pulled us together is a strange world that no one really understands except those of us going thru this. There's Tim and Chris who Joe and I are having dinner with this week. Marcia, who I am meeting for dinner next week. My wonderful DTC group...the great ladies Rose and Audrey in my travel group, and the wonderful Danielle, and MaryBeth and Stephanie who found me thru my blog! Heather who designed my blog. And then the whole group of bloggers who I'm meeting with in a big big blogapoloza fest!(By the way, if I've missed anyone..sorry) It's amazing. We are drawn together...some of us adopting from China, others from Russia. We all understand this world we are in. We will all have the same experience in many ways. We help each other thru the easy days, as well as the tougher ones. We are bringing our children into our homes because we need them as much as they need us. I am so happy to have "met" these wonderful people. I hope and pray our children arrive safely and can learn they are not alone in this world....they are part of this wonderful circle of FRIENDS.

PS I realized I forgot my new great friends Christine and daughters Leah and Caroline!!!!!

Happy Birthday from Lori to me

O'k. Before you watch this...you have to understand the joke. About 10 year ago my sister called me very early on my birthday morning. I was outside that morning in Central Park walking and came home to hear a Happy Birthday greeting from my sister in an a very "Broadway", Opera-ish style....it's become a huge joke, and each year she delivers a message. This year I said, I want to post it...and she put together this! How talented she is :)
Also, my niece Sydney said, "Mom, you think you are funny....you are not." That kids doesn't understand humor :) Thanks Lori for embarrassing yourself for me! I love you.

You

Today is my birthday! I am 46 years young and look back on the past few years and see how profoundly my life has changed....for the better.

I met my husband, fell in love and married.

I met my step children fell in love and become a step mum.

I watch my nieces and watch how they have blossomed into nice little girls and beautiful young women.

I have shared many laughs with my sister and my respect for her continues to grow.

I have been blessed with healthy and loving parents, aunts and uncles.

I have worked in a supportive environment and am watching some of my professional dreams become true.

I have studied, read and learned so much.

I have traveled to several cities and visited the most beautiful Perth, Australia.

I have met and fostered some wonderful new friendships with the most amazing people.

I have shared some great times with many oldfriends and grown to love them even more.

I know I am blessed. I am honored to have YOU in my life.

However, the greatest and most important thing that has happened to me over the past few years is the conception in my heart of my daughter Lia-Rose. I do truly believe that by next year at this time we will certainly have a better idea of when we will be holding you...I am waiting for YOU with an open heart.

Happy Birthday to Lia-Rose's "mummy" to be.....ME!

(PS The photo above is from my living room window at sunset. Not a bad view to share your life with :)

A wise man in China say......

I had emailed my agency director "R" last week and just asked her to spread some wisdom during this wait .She reached out to the agency's coordinator in China. He wrote back today and sent me this. Read it a few times and take what you want from it. It took me a few minutes to grasp this concept...but in fact, there is some valuable thinking here....

"Take it as new weds expecting to be pregnant. No telling when that would be happen, right? When we know how long it takes we can not wait. That is human, simply human. So, it is understandable that everybody can not wait.But we have to wait. It is good that we do not exactly know how long we must wait. That helps. That gives us hope. So, why not just let things stay like thatand ask no questions?Thanks for your understanding, W" So for me, I take from this.....the uncertainty of the length of time we wait, just about anything is possible. With possibility there is hope....with hope there is change. I love focusing on the possiblity. And that is what I intend to do.

The toast that almost wasn't

Opps. It’s been a few days since I’ve posted. We had a busy weekend “pre-celebrating” my 46th birthday. Saw some old friends…. got my new Blackberry (I am very cool). The weather is fabulous and I feel really positive. Just keeping focused on the prize at the end of this whole journey. A friend of mine actually got me angry this weekend. We were “toasting” my birthday over brunch and I said “who knows, next year at this time we should have a better idea of when Lia-Rose will be with us.” This friend kind of rolled her eyes. I said why the reaction. Her response, “calm down. You have no idea when this is going to happen “ Her reaction was very protective of me. She doesn’t want me to get hurt. But damn it…and I’ve said this before. I am so entitled to have this gestation period, just like my sister did and every darn woman who had given birth. So I have to wait. So some days are going to be good and others a little harder. That is life. That is having a baby. This is my time to plan, to daydream and to mentally (and physically) prepare for the biggest job I will ever have. I know this friend loves me like a daughter and only wants the best. But if she is reading, please, I AM GREAT. I am not driving my dear hubby crazy over this (maybe over other things J ) All is fine and this is how a normal expectant parent acts. Please let me have that too! So, I’ll toast myself again….”Here’s to hopefully knowing when our dear wonderful daughter is coming by next year at this time!” Amen!

Happy Birthday to My Annie

Today, well tomorrow, but today is Australia is my beautiful step-daughter Annie's 14th Birthday! I love you soooo much Annie Elizabeth! I hope your birthday is as special as you!

In this pic is her "step" sister Ellin. (Doesn't she look like Izzy from Grey's Anatomy)

Happy Birthday Annie....we love and miss you!

A cure for the blues

Nothing is better then a fluffy, pink, fun, and silly new musical to brighten up your adoption blues. I saw Legally Blonde tonite, it's still in previews, but I can't wait to take my sister and nieces. It was so cute, and really helped cheer up my case of the blues....I feel very pink tonite and boy do I love a good Broadway show! That's all now folks....and if u are wondering...no peeks at the Rumor Queen today!!!! My eyes and ears are sealed to anything but staying positive!!! And PINK!

A few things to say, to tired to say them

Nothing new to report on the adoption front.
I had a migraine today.
This nightmare in Virginia is almost to much to bear.
Sanjanya is off American Idol.
It's still crappy out.
My LID group -Rose and Audrey-we have pledged not to go on Rumor Queen blog anymore, it was upsetting us all to read rumors aka the truth.
The sun is supposed to shine this weekend.
My stepdaugther is 14 this weekend.
I am 46 next week.
Please go to http://www.campsnuggly.com. It's my sister's company, which is apparently getting more web traffic from this blog then from Google adwords. We want to test Lori's tracking system so if you can thre, that would be great.

Lessons I've learned

Parenting a baby is one thing, a teenager another. Tonite a certain teenager I know called me in a huff. She wasn't very happy about something she needed to do in her life. It was very clear to me that she was feeling challenged about a new situation and this was her reaction. I got nervous. I didn't want to say the wrong thing. I wanted to be sympathetic to her, but I also wanted to show her that I was a grown up who knew a bit more about things then she did. Yikes I thought, I give a lot of credit to her mom! This is challenging! By nite's end we really talked out her situation. I tried to compare what she was going thru to what I am going thru during this long wait for Lia-Rose. I tried to position it that we both need patience, because at the end of both of our journey's something really wonderful is going to happen to us both. I hope she understood it when I put it into that context.She said she did. Bottom line, I learned a big lesson...I need parenting instructions! It's easy to feel like you aren't handling a situation right. How do u know? How do u know that you are doing the right thing by your kids? I wish there was a text book with all the answers. I know there is not. It's just a crap shot I suppose. You hope and prayer you are handling it right. After all, my mom did it. Yours did too. We are pretty o'k. But, if anyone has any lessons in parenting they can share......please post away!

Still Standing...with post script

Sorry for the weird screen shot, but this is just the most wild thing. That sad woman above is me. It was taken about a week after 9/11. If u look behind me I am standing in from of the Stock Exchange. I am holding a banana and a cup of oatmeal is in the bag. I was reading a copy of the NY Daily News about the fact that Rudy may seek a third term as mayor. That morning a photographer stopped me. She asked me if I minded if she took my picture. She was documenting people down on Wall Street going back to work. I said sure, no problem. And she snapped away. A few months later there was an art show called "Here Is New York". It was an exhibit of many photos that captured the moments before and after those planes hit. I received a call from my friend Beth who said her brother saw my picture at this exhibit. I had no idea what picture or the what heck he was talking about. But sure enough...I saw for myself. There I was. It was the picture above. I ended up purchasing a few copies and it hangs in my living room today. A year or so later I get together with the same friend Beth and her brother. He said I saw your picture on the cover of a book! I said, what he heck are u talking about. They had actually taken all the photos from the art show and put it into a book. And sure enough, I was part of a collage of photos on the cover. So....that brings us to tonite. Lori and I were "farting" around online. Just googling people we know...I know we really need to get a life. We googled me and a link in french came up. I said, that's not me...but Lori persisted and we find that this photograph made the cover of the Musee' de l'Eysse'' catalog in 2002. It's probably the worst picture ever of me. I am graying, sad, drained and depressed. But I also know how far I 've come. We should never ever forget what happened to us on 9/11. I will always have this incredible photo to document this moment in time. I emailed the photographer tonite to let her know that I am absolutely still standing!

PS I got a response from the photographer!

Dear Wendi -
Thank you for writing. I am so happy to hear that you are doing well and that the photograph has meaning for you. I think that's the best
a photograph can do in the world.
All best wishes, and congratulations on the baby. You're about to fall in love. How wonderful.
suzanne

Monster, gonna kick his ...

I need to laugh!!!! Here ya go.....

One of those days

We had a bit of health scare with someone in very close to me in my family. ALL IS FINE. But, it was scary and so many thoughts went thru my mind. I have been so disturbed and depressed (yes I said the word) with all the news of the wait times...lack of referrals...yada yada yada, that when I heard that this person was not well....I really was upset. I needed to be with them, and Joe and I made sure we were. At the end of the whole day I am sitting here with a glass of wine and breathing a sigh of relief. It was good to be with family. It was good to know that my family is close and we love each other. It was good to know that my husband was there for me. It was good to know that my work family was supportive. I am blessed. I have so many wonderful things that I am so grateful for. I am truly blessed. I have everything I want and need. There is however, the one huge piece that is just waiting to be filled. It is YOU...it is Lia-Rose. It is my daughter. My child. I hope one day that you read this blog. That you know how much your mother loved you. That you know that your life may not have began inside of me physically, but emotionally, you are right here...right inside my heart. You are growing inside of me. Inside of my heart, my soul, myself. I had one one of those a-ha moments this week. I admit something. I didn't try that hard to get pregnant. What I mean is this. I met Joe when I was 40 (almost 41) and after we knew we were going to marry I went to the Gyno. She tested my hormonal levels and the results came back that my eggs weren't great. I was 41 at this point. She point blank said, you are going to probably need donor eggs. I had also at this point been suffering with fibroid issues and knew that I'd have to do something about that eventually. After we married we tried to get pregnant the natural way. Nothing happened. I saw a fertility specialist and he gave me a round of fertility drugs which would lead to possibly artificial insemination or IVF. I forget exactly what happened here, but know that even with the fertility pills, I was producing may two or three eggs. The doctor said to me at this point....IVF will not work...u can't water a dead plant. Effectively my eggs were old and not viable. So another year or so goes by...we keep trying...of course nothing happens. Could I have continued to do fertility drugs? Could I have tried a round or two of IVF? I know I could have. I didn't. I just didn't feel the drive. I didn't try that hard.
I had to deal with my fibroid and in '05 elected to do so. My options were a laporscopictechnique (but no one can guarantee that this wouldn't effect fertility), a myomectomy which entails major surgery but preserves the uterus and fertility, or of course a hysterectomy. I elected to have the myo..."just in case". And the surgery was great...I felt better...but still didn't' get pregnant...and still wasn't driven to get the fertility meds and all the treatments. At one point after this someone extremely close to me said she would give me an egg. We discussed it and it was the most beautiful thing anyone had everyone wanted me to do. But there would be no guarantees. I dropped it. I didn't try that hard.

O'k, my point in all of this, and truthfully I write this with the hope that in 20 years a beautiful little Chinese American woman is reading this about her mom and her life and she sees that our union was truly meant to be. I was meant to give birth to her thru adoption. I am one of those people who when she wants something ...she gets it. This adoption is meant to be. I know that in my heart....I know that. Lia-Rose....you are the daughter I have dreamt about ...this is the way it's supposed to happen. I have to believe that this wait is here because we are supposed to be together this way and in this time. Remember what the Chinese say about the "red thread"....Chinese wisdom tells us that certain people are destined to come together in this lifetime.When people are so destined, nothing - - not geography, not age, not circumstance - - will change that destiny. These people are thought to be connected by A Red Thread.

Wendi's Book Club

OK, I am not quite Oprah Winfrey, but I like to share interesting books I am reading on Chinese adoption, or on adoption in general. So, I can call this Wendi's Book Club, for no other reason then, I can. Anyway, I am finishing up "From China With Love" by Emily Buchanan. Ms. Buchanan is a correspondent and is well-versed in matters of international politics and has been all over the world covering stories for the BBC. I found the book on Amazon, and of course, it sounded interesting. There were parts of the book that sort of bugged me because she seemed to be a bit "whiny" about her infertility and the long process she had to face before she came to be with her daughters. But, I guess I am kinda of whiny myself at times, so all is forgiven. She brilliantly describes her trips to China as well as other countries around the world where there is discrimination against baby girls. She is also on a mission to learn more about the life her daughter's before they came to be together. This is very interesting and certainly brings light to probably many similar circumstances that our daughters' birth families had to deal with. The book was published in 2006. There are discussions within here about there being less babies being abandoned, and the fact that even if the one child policy was changed, many feel that girls would still be abandoned due to the fact that so many want sons. I am almost finished it and I'd highly recommend it. One of the things I have been trying to do during this wait is to read and learn more about others who have gone thru this experience as well as learn more about China in general. Please let me know if u have read anything of interest.....I am looking for new material!

The two headed woman

Here's another photo of me and my sister. I like this one much better then the one I had earlier posted. Lori thinks it looks like her head is growing out from my neck....not sure about that, but these two sisters love each other very much. We drive each other crazy, although not really at all-although I am positive we drive our husbands a little nuts, but there is no love quite like the love of a sister and the love one has for her "shish" aka sister. (PS, I'm the one with the lighter hair on the left, pre my bangs :) )

Cherrios on the floor

Feeling so much brighter now. Patience is a virtue, and I will strive to continue to have it. But at certain times, I am going to “cry” on here. Thank you to those who left a comment. I really appreciate your love and support, and knowing we are all in this together is very helpful. So, it is true that they only matched the two days worth of dossiers. However, these two days were supposedly huge days, and from what I am reading, although it is only two days, the number of dossiers is actually in line to what has been happening over the past few months. So, this is not indicative of any sort of slowdown….and of course there is no indication of any sort of speed up. It is, what it is, right now. On a different note, Joe and I got a brand new car this weekend! A spanking Moroccan Red Acura RDX. It’s awesome, and I keep imagining my baby seat in the back, probably with Cheerios on the floor! But for now, it is nice a clean, and there is nothing like the smell of a new car to brighten up your day.

Special message for Lori

Happy Shish-ter Day!

Happy Easter, Shish-ter!

and to everyone else who celebrates Easter!

Tears

I have to tell u that I am so sorry to be so down lately. I try to hard to be positive. To think about this adoption from a much bigger place. "the wait is the wait"..."she is definitely going to come." ..."she is there and I am a mommy". All that wonderful stuff that I tell myself and I tell other adoptive families. But, the reality right now is crushing. It truly looks like the most recent referrals-they matched two days! That's two days 10/24/05-10/26/05. That means people with the exact log-in date as ours, one month before, missed a match by one day. That means that they still haven't matched all of the October 05 log-ins. I am not an expert, but apparently this is the lowest monthly match in forever. One theory is that because of Chinese New Year in Feb, they were unable to process waiting babies, so there was limited amounts of "paper-ready" babies. I am frustrated beyond belief. I feel terrible for the waiting families that are so close, and yet so far away. I feel terrible for all the babies that are stuck in orphanages all over the world. I feel really terrible for me! Last nite, I cried. I came home from work, barely looked at my husband, ate two pieces of chocolate (i just had to), took myself up to my bedroom and cried. And cried ...and cried. This is the lowest I have felt about this process. I feel so frustrated and angry. Last nite I also felt this anxiousness that she is there and I can't feel her. That I can't pick her up. I know that at our darkest hours, sunshine prevails quickly. I know I will feel better. I know that things will keep moving forward and change is inevitable. But, right now all I know is Angelina is talking about adopting another daughter by this summer. And we wait and wait and wait.

Some assistance

I need some help here. First off, I am really engrossed in reading the “Secret”. I’ve mentioned it in several postings. It’s about the Law of Attraction. “What you think, is”. I really believe in much of what I am reading. It’s a good way to check myself when I start thinking negatively. I say this all to point out that right now I am thinking very negatively. You see, and I hate to post this on a blog where rumors can start flying all over the place, but it looks like the next batch of referrals was not a big batch. Meaning they only matched a few days of log ins. Now there could be a lot of people logged in those days, but what it means is that it will take three months of referrals to get thru one month of log ins! It’s very very discouraging. I get caught up in the wait and think, my god this is going to take me forever….it’s never ever going to happen, I wasn’t meant to be a mom! I’ll never be a mom. Now, I relate back to the Secret. ….What if we never ever doubted that we were going to be moms….instead of kvetching it’s not going to happen, we will never be…change our mindset to say and think…I am a mom I am a mom …, I am with her. I am a mom. Let’s start believing we have our girls. We are their moms. Like attracts, like. And what is….IS. …maybe we can start moving paperwork!

April Showers

bring snow! It's snowing in April. It's April 5th and there is snow blowing tonite. I came from the gym, yes I worked out tonite, and I hardly could see out the window. What's the deal? I want warm sunshine! It's APRIL!!!! Not much to report. Referrals are supposed to come down for a group (still '05), and we are waiting. Doesn't seem like they may have gotten too far. I had lunch with 'my friend Susan' who as you know recently got her referral. We talked about her baby "A" and what her trip will be like. I keep having visions of her meeting that little round chubby cheeked darling. She really does look like a Gerber baby.....hopefully this will work out as we want it to. And it's 10:30 and now I am wide awake because I worked out. I came home exhausted, had a diet coke and started feeling guilty that I didn't work out. Had a great work out and now I am home...AWAKE. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday!

Sleep well...and come on April...bring us some warmth!

I am almost to tired but very POPULAR

I am so tired, that I barely can right tonite...that sounds over dramatic, but I am just beat. Lot's of running around the last few days.....first off, Happy Passover! Thanks to my sister for making a wonderful, yet eventful, sedar. Between family members running late and our Sedar leader's bloody nose, it was a bit out of control at times, but Lori aka "The Hostess with the Mostest" truly pulled it off. Thanks 'da-shish!'....In other news......this is just a small world story....I was sitting in a diner today having lunch. Two 30-something men were chatting away. My ears perked up when I heard China. I listened closer, and one mentioned to the other that him and his wife were adopting a baby girl. I of course am very unshy and leaned over and said...sorry to easedrop..but me too! So we begin to talk and find out that they are a few months logged in before us....that they are using the same agency as we are ...and I had connected with his wife on our agency chat board! That is a small world!! Anne Marie and her husband are on their way to Russia to meet Baby B! Great great luck!!!! And finally, I finally made the "A" team! When I was in school I was far from popular. I was shy, akward and downright pathetic at times. Well, now I am in! I am by far one of the most popular girls in the 7th grade of my niece's middle school! Hayley set me up on MYSPACE http://www.myspace.com/auntwendic and "totally all of Hayley's friends are on my friends list!" I am sooooo cool!

April Fool

Not that I really have anything to April Fool about. I did tell Joe he had dirt on his butt. Didn't fool him though :). Apparently my niece Addison wanted to play an April Fool on her grandmom. My sister Lori asked her what she would tell Grandmom and six year old Addison said..."Let's tell her Aunt Wendi is dead!" That's my little prankster Addie! Anyway, Susan got good news from the Adoption Doctor (who Angelina and Brad used as well by the way) and she is hopefully off to Russia to meet her Baby A in the next few weeks. Ann Marie and her hubby are all set and flying off to Russia on Tuesday! It's so amazing. Last nite baby Nyla (12 months) and her mommy Simone stopped over to visit. Joe was at work. We had such a good time. They live about 100 feet away from me and we don't see each other enough. Nyla was running all over the place including up and down the stairs. I showed her some of the little stuffed animals I have bought Lia-Rose and she "approved". I realize how desperatly I need to baby-proof this place. I've got lots to do! Anyway, I am completely pooped. I did a ton of errands this morning including working out, grocery shopping, two loads of wash and bills! And that is no April Fool!