Friday, June 08, 2007

Becoming...

Oh my god I am old! Or maybe this is what nesting is all about. Last nite I stayed in the city to have dinner with a friend had not seen in awhile. We chatted so effortlessly that before I knew it, it was time to catch the bus home. I looked at my watch and decided to take the later bus home to give me the chance to get some exercise in.(Yes, diet is going well) It was almost a 40 New York City block walk, and it was the perfect night for it.. The air was clear and there was a tiny chill in the air that my sweater was perfect for. As I walked, there were hundreds of young 20 and 30 somethings walking with their friends, hanging at the bars and dining at the outside cafes. No one looked like they hadd wrinkles or had to have their hair colored every 4 weeks to cover the greys. Their fabulous bodies were showcased in their new summer work clothes that turn into summer play clothes at nite. It was 10pm and their evening was just getting started.The wine glasses were filled, the cool martini's mixed. Fantasies of meeting "Mr or Ms' Right Now" fresh in their minds. I was just floored realizing how that not so long ago this was the life I craved. The moments I thought I could never live without. Last nite, I felt out of place. This was a city I love and know so well yet I wasn't feeling at home.

My friend I was with last nite is a beautiful successful young 50-something woman. She has done amazng things in her life. She and her husband have decided that having children was not what they wanted. She asked me how I felt about giving up my life. I laughed and said that having a child was not about losing myself or my freedom. That's not how I am seeing it. I know things will change and my time will not be my own. My career will have to be balanced and managed in a way that it has never been before. But becoming a mother is naturally what I am becoming. Whether this is nesting, growing older or just being settled. I have had "my time". I was self-ish and self absorbed. That is not who I am today. I am blossoming into Lia-Rose's mother.

2 comments:

Daniella said...

You sure are.... I loved reading your description of the city last night. Do I remember so many nights in NY just like that. Seems like a billion years ago.

annmarie said...

I love nights like that too...but that question: how do you feel about giving up your life?...I have heard that one plenty. As if life was nothing but 12-hour shifts and conferences. Makes me shiver.
And I have to disagree with the idea of your blossoming into Lia-Rose's mother. You were Lia-Rose's mom the day you signed the Alliance contract. You were her mom the very moment the concept of adoption came into your head. I know this because when you finally hold her in your arms it will be as if she was always there...because she was.