An update, thank you

So, I am here. In the waiting room. Not that many people. One orthodox Jewish
couple and a 40 something woman. I just picked up a magazine about infertility.Put it down. Would rather blog. I am not infertile, in a sense. Having a baby. Please don't cry. Please don't cry. Last nite I googled "complex cyst", read something that scared the shit out of me. It said in some cases could be........ I will not even go there. My head hurts badly right now. Last nite Joe held my hand the entire nite. More people coming in....one woman and I just looked at each other, pain in our eyes....a deep understanding of each other's desire. But stop right there.... I am having a baby. On the way here I passed here group of kids...most of them Chinese. I needed to see them. After this I am buying those black pants at Ann Taylor. Gotta go... I am next.. Ps I just found a penny on the floor.....

Phew! First I told him was “guess what I am having a baby!” He was confused but happy for me. Anyway, will have a simple minor procedure in October. Should be in and out pretty quickly. Everything looks good. Thank u for your prayers and love. On the way out of the office the nurse was explaining what my insurance would cover. She said "you are covered for 1Ok worth of IVF treatments." I looked at her and smiled and said "no thanks, not interested." She looked surprised until I explained that I was already expecting thru adoption. She smiled and said, "you know, I wonder myself why go thru all of this fertility stuff when you can adopt!" I smile and agreed and walked out with a huge sigh of relief.

My uterus and the waiting room

In the past ten years my uterus, ovaries and that whole area down there has been a source of concern for me. Whether it was dealing with major cramps, bloating, gas, bladder pressure (really sorry to get graphic here), or lack of fertilized eggs-there has always been something going on down there. I've had d&c's, laparoscopies, hysteroscopy's , this horrible thing with tubes in my fallopian tubes and one major myomectomy. It never stops.
I always associated all of these issues with the one big issue of infertility. Even before I was married and ready to be a mommy, I dealt immediately with all of this stuff to make sure that I would be o'k to get pregnant when it was time to get pregnant. My female reproductive area has not been kind to me. As hard as I try…I can't stop my uterus from loving cysts, and my ovaries from loving polyps. Ouch. I get sonograms every six months, and have for years, to monitor the situation. And, true to form, the nearly perfect uterus of a year ago, now has these lovely things growing on them. Look, I know it could be a lot worse. I know I know. But, I must say I am drained. I thought, that once I put my mind to making my baby the dear old adoption way, that all my gyn issues would disappear. I was wrong. Anyway, I have to visit my least favorite place in the world on Friday. My Infertility Doctor's office. Why? This doctor has performed three procedures on me. My GYN feels he would be best doing the next one.We need to have a consultation to plan the procedure. It won't entail an overnight hospital stay or anything like that. Procedure in the morning, out by late afternoon. But the new adventure will put me face to face with depressed moms and dads to be. Sitting in the lobby is so hard. The sadness creeps right through the walls. The artificial lovemaking that goes on to try to make a baby. It's very tough and those of you who have been there know. Some walk in with their hopes so high, others are walking out with their dreams crushed. I was one of them….not so long ago. So on Friday, me a "paper pregnant" mom to be will walk into a Reproductive Surgeons office, not trying to make a baby. Just trying to keep myself healthy for the one I am about to have.

Here's a gorgeous photo of my nieces on their little vacation down in Williamsburg. Not to be biased, but they are friggin gorgeous. Read my sister's lovely post today about a special memory she has of us on vacation. God I love my shish!

5 plus 5 =10!

Wow, double digits in the wait! Ten long but went by in retrospect, very
quickly. When looking back ten months ago, we definetly thought at this point we
would have about three or four more to go. We know that isn't happening, and
gosh, if it was, I would be freaking out right now, so at least I have more time
to get things ready. And with that, here is my list of ten things to do before my
baby comes-
1. Get my work/life plan in order so that when L-R arrives the situation is in
place
2. All though I have a few items that I have bought for her, begin buying some
of the more basic items, so that when she comes home it won't be a mad mad rush
to Target to get 'em
3. Save money
4. Do a really good check into the daycare in my town
5. Start looking for baby furniture
6 Learn more about attachment issues
7 Develope a good work out plan that will be difficult to break
8 Get to to goal weight, about twelve to fifteen more pounds and figure out how
to stay there
9 Take a vacation in the islands with daddy joe
10 Learn more chinese
So, I am sure there are fifty more items, but if I broke down each individual
item here, there are at least five things to do. The good news for me is that
many of these tasks are started already. So for those of you out there who are
stressing about the wait....started doing right now what you need to do. Imagine
for yourself what would happen if u got the call today. What areas of your life,
or what "to do's" would need to be in order...? Start 'em now, what a great time
to take to not procrastinate! Happy 10 to my Audrey and Daniella!

Shoppers alert

One of the wonderful things that happen when you lose almost twenty pounds and a new season is approaching…you get to go shopping. And that is what I did today. Joe thought I'd have more fun by myself (and he was right) so I hit the big outlet mall near me, Jersey Gardens. I pranced around that place for a good four hours, having the most luck in the Ann Taylor store, and a few good finds in Banana. I do tend to go a bit overboard when I go shopping, but was very diligent to be smart about my purchases and make sure that the skirts I bought would match with more than one top, and visa versa. I think I did pretty well, and was happy to see that the sizes went from Large/Mediums to Medium/Smalls. A job well done this summer, if I say so myself. I ended up with three new skirts and three new tops. They all coordinate with each other pretty well. I also bought Joe a few things as well.

 

I am however very hungry this weekend, which I attribute to being very PMS and have fought very hard not to cheat. I haven't. I have realized how easily it is to go off my eating plan. If I give in to the temptation that is calling me in my refrigerator, "have an extra snack", or how about the one that says "go get an ice cream cone"…I will not listen. I will ignore. I wake up tomorrow feeling prouder for it. Next weekend the whole family is going on a one night cruise to "nowhere". I will give myself a break, and not over-indulge, but give in to a small treat for myself. It's been almost 4 months on Nutri-System, and I have really surprised myself how well I have done!

 

Anyway, today is the 26^th…tomorrow the 27^th….that means we are officially in double digits! Till tomorrow…..

Something just ain’t right

After a nice 60 minute work-out at the gym last nite, o'k more like 50 minutes, I decided to take a little stop over at Barnes and Noble to grap a Starbucks Iced Coffee and take a little browse around the place. I love, love going to bookstores. I just don't feel guilty buying a handful of books. I mean after-all they are books, not frivolous things like let's shoes or (gasp) pocketbooks, Anyway, I hit the magazine section first to look for a copy of Working Mother and Adoption Magazine. I did find it interesting that all the family focused magazines were under the category "Women's Interest"…checking quickly I saw that under "Men's Interests" were car, sports and computer magazines. Hmmmmm? Only women are interested in family? Anyway, I digress, I found one copy of Working Mother, which I already had, and absolutely no sight of anything remotely focused on families brought together by adoption. I then searched out the books on Parenting and Families. This was a huge B&N, I mean a big one. I passed hundreds of new and old titles. Hard and soft covered books. I headed up the escalator, remembering that is where the books for this particular topic could be found. Bingo! Nestled between the teen books and the kids books were the Parenting books. There were shelves and shelves of books. I was excited! I was going to have my pick of some of those great adoption books that are out there. I mean the books about the adoption experiences, about general adoption issues, about attachment, about how to answer adoption questions, about the joy, about the sorrow. The books about domestic adoptions, the books about foster care and of course, my personal fav, the books about International Adoption. I couldn't wait to get my hands on them all, take time and choose one or two to bring home. So I went searching for them. I passed by book upon book upon book about pregnancy, about raising toddlers, about what to except when you expecting, about raising step children. Dozens of special needs books, books about teenagers…opps more books about pregnancy and some more. And then I saw them. 10, no make that 9 (a book was in the wrong place) measly old books on Adoption. Three of them being copies of the same book!. That's it folks. 6 books out of a store of thousands and thousands on adoption. Hello, is something not right about that. You mean to tell me that in a hugely busy area of North Jersey, Barnes and Noble feels that having 6 different adoption titles and 9 books will satisfy its shopper. I do plan to write a letter to the store. I think it's crazy! Thank goodness for Amazon.com, there are hundreds listed and that's where I plan to buy them!

A big hug

Susan, a big hug to you. Stay strong. Your daughter is out there!

Please send love and prayers to "my friend Susan". The rollercoaster ride that is International Adoption has just taken another crazy turn for her! She is amazing though...and her daughter will be in her arms soon!

Not a thing to write

I want to write. I have nothing to say. Or do I? I figured I would really just sit here and type away and see what my fingers typed. Years ago I got really into a spiritual teaching called the "Course of Miracles". The author of the huge book/bible type thing sat at her computer, well typewriter in those days and just let her fingers talk. She ended up writing pages and pages of beautiful thoughts and leanings. Was it god speaking to her. The words were very moving and at that point in my life they spoke loud and clear to me. The main lesson I learned was that a miracle truly is a "shift" in thinking. A new belief system for yourself. I remember how grateful I was to really understand that. It took me years to probably make the full "shift" but eventually I did. And, it has certainly brought me to today. Author, speaker, XM Radio Host on Oprah Marianne Williamson bases her philosophy on the Course in Miracles. If u have never heard or saw her speak, she is amazing. I remember when I first saw her. A short, petite Jewish looking woman. By the way, I can say that because I am Jewish and I know what I am talking about...and I am pretty sure she is Jewish as well...but back to the point I was trying to make...remember, I am letting my fingers lead the way here....I saw her speaking....I wanted to be just like her. TO inspire...to help people change their negative thoughts into positive ones...to make a difference. I think that is what is leading me to many of the things that I am doing in my life. My coach training, my creative development skills, my adoption support group, maybe this blog. I dream to help effect change. To make a difference in the world. And if that difference is bringing one little girl home to me, then I know that I am doing the right thing. So now I will hit publish. I checked for typos, but I am not entirely sure what I wrote.....so here goes....

Hanging out with the nieces

The girls are home from camp and I am spending some Aunt Wendi time with them. Joe and I headed down to AC for a night of gambling (yeah, right, we played the slots for about 30 minutes total-won $40) and then Joe dropped me off at my sister's. It is so great being with them as its been a whole summer long of withdrawal for me. I took Friday and Monday off to spend extra time. I now sit in my sister's kitchen remembering- this house that I have visited for 6 years plus, this trip to see my girls that I have made for 13 years plus. When Hayley was born in 1993 I was a thirty-something (young thirty something) hotshot, with not one ounce of anything inside of me that was interested in marriage and family. I was having to0 much fun. When Haylz came into this world, my life changed for the better as being an Aunt was a really incredible experience. Then about 18 months later, my little Ce (Sydney) was born. Aunt Wendi was overjoyed ....here another little doll to love and spoil and cherish. Which I did. It was Aunt Wendi, Hayley and Sydney for six years. Trips up to NYC to visit their "cool single Auntie", weekends down here sleeping in bed with both of them and buying them anything they wanted. Six years later little Addie (Addison) was born. What a surprise!!!! I was completely shocked and beyond words excited. At this point I went from young hip urban cool single Aunt Wendi (kinda of) to an almost forty, single, happy in her career, but her heart definitely missing something Aunt Wendi. About a year later I met Joe and we set up house. Addie never really got to know the other me, as she only really knows me as Aunt Wendi and Uncle Joe. Life really moves fast. Addie is now going into the first grade. The girls are all settled in middle school. Hayley a "senior" there. Their bat mitzvah is in early '08. Their bodies are blossoming into incredibly beautiful women, Addie's losing all of her baby teeth. Yeah, they like to be around me, but last nite I went to sleep before all of them! Gone are the days of all sleeping in bed with Aunt Wendi and giggling till the early hours of the morning. (Although, Sydney snuck in bed with me around midnight, I was snoring away.) The kids are very excited for Lia-Rose. Addie mentions it often. We were talking about someone young who has just had a baby. Addie said to me..."you are old enough to be a mommy too Aunt Wendi..." Yes, you are right my Addie, I am certainly old enough for that. So, we continue to wait for you Lia-Rose. I can't wait till you are hanging out with the family. Making memories of your own with them. They will be older then you ...but I wish for you sleepovers and laughter. Look up to them, as they have looked up to me.

"I have no idea"

May not be all that interesting to some, but my niece Addie is just really cute! I can't wait to see her!

I heart Addie!

First off it’s my favorite day of the year! My sister and nieces return home from camp. About 15 minutes ago my cell phone rings and I hear the saddest little voice say hello. I couldn’t even tell which of my nieces it was, but it was my niece Addison crying her heart out about leaving camp. I tried to explain to her that it was o’k to cry and that before she knew it, she would be home with her best friends there. I promised her that I would take her to see her camp friends whom she cried “there is only one that lives near me. One lives in Virginia!”. As I tried to change the topic to something else, Addie says to me. “Wendi, Lia will be here soon. It’s only a short time away for Lia.” I said, “oh honey, it might be awhile more.” She said “no, you told me by the time I am in first grade, Lia would be here.” Ugh, it’s true, we did tell her that because last year that’s what we thought! I said, “Addie, it might be a little longer” and at that point the phone died. How do you explain to a six year old that referrals have slowed down? How do you explain to a six year old that she might be second grade before this baby comes? For some reason that conversation really cemented for me how long this has really been. I will remain strong. I will remain strong. I will remain strong. But boy, isn't it time for some good news?

Happy Birthday to my daddy! I am so blessed to have a great father who I just adore. Growing up he was always there for us. He bought us candy and toys when we weren’t supposed to have them and would sneak into our bedrooms at night to give us kisses as he gently touched our faces. On my first dates as a teenager, daddy was always sleeping in the chair “waiting up” for me and scaring potential suitors by telling them he was a policeman or by showing off about 100 of his greatest photographs. He has supported me even when at first he might not have bought into the idea. He is a great man. A great father, father-in-law and grandfather. I only want my Lia-Rose to be in his life for a long long time. Happy Birthday daddy, I love you!

Babies, nice new friends and a headache that wont’ quit

So yesterday was a lovely gathering of local families at Heather's. Our friends Chris and Tim (non-bloggers) co-hosted this outing. I felt so badly because I showed up an hour or so after everyone else, but had early morning appointments and errands to do. I by the way am always on time. Anyway, it was about an hour's drive away from here, and I continue to find beautiful parts of New Jersey that I didn't even know existed. Such very nice families were there. I got the chance to meet Shannon's daughter Chloe, hello anyone say really cute kid. I met Kristen, whose blog I had found months ago. Such a nice lady! Also it was a pleasure meeting Joanne and her beautiful Kelsey. Joanne and I are the exact same age, so it was lovely meeting another mommy of a "certain age". Also there were new friends Erin and Michael, who don't live that far from us and I do hope to see them again. I do have to say one of the highlights of the afternoon for me was meeting Stephanie and her daughters, Leah (that's Leah, vs LIA J )and her newly adopted most precious Maya. First off, Leah is gorgeous and way too smart for her age. She decided she was going to marry Tim (that's the Chris' husband)! If I had to cast a new sit-com that called for cute, precocious five year-old, I would hire Miss Leah on the spot. Her 10 month old sister Maya, has only been here since Monday, yes I said MONDAY. They just got back from China! Stephanie let me hold her and love her and as I did, I was just picturing my life in a year or two…..holding my Lia-Rose. It was funny, at times little Maya would look at me and I felt she was trying to tell me, "Relax Wendi. Your day will come too. It's all going to work out." Thanks Stephanie for giving me the chance to get all that love from Maya. She is an unbelievably sweet baby girl. So well adjusted and already knowing exactly who her mommy is. Anyway, the party pooper that is me, started getting a massive headache. I knew it was migraine coming on, and I have no idea how I made the ride home, but I did. I ended up sleeping for 12 plus hours, and beginning now to feel somewhat normal. Anyway, thanks again Heather….go to her blog now to see photos!

How about that outhouse (wink wink)

Random rainy thoughts

I totally should be working. It’s Friday afternoon, it’s poured all day. I am soaking wet from this rain, and I can’t wait until the weekend. My poor husband has worked ridiculous hours this past week, including one 27 hour day! Yes that is twenty-seven hours! I really admire him for his stamina and perseverance. He barely complains (well maybe once in awhile) and is one of the hardest working people I know. I appreciate everything he does, and hope he realizes that. I really missed him this week too! Thank you Daddy Joey! Thank you.

One of the big projects I have been working on is my Adoption Agency Support Group. As you may remember, I had proposed the idea to my agency that we create this group to really help families during this wait. They thought it was a great idea, and asked me to be the leader. We have over 60 families now and we are hosting a bunch of upcoming events. Our first event is a teleconference. We are having a panel of “Been There Done That” parents speak about their experiences. I am recording it so following the call, I can let you know where it is and you can take a listen! Then on 9/29 we are doing a bit Fall Kick-Off meeting . I have arranged for author Jeff Gammage-China Ghosts and Dr. Melissa Goldstein (International Adoption Doctor) to speak. Plus a cool kids corner for arts and crafts …Lori will you face paint a bit??? This is open to all Waiting Families, Friends and Family, so if you are reading this and want to come …YOU SHOULD! Please contact me off line at dashish@aol.com and I’ll send you an invite. The event will be held right outside of New York City in North Jersey. There are hotels close by…I’ll pick you up…cough cough Daniella! I think this would be great for you too Stephanie…and how about you Elizabeth?  Anyway, EVERYONE IS INVITED AND WE NEED TO SUPPORT EACH OTHER!!!!

In other news, my nieces and sister come home next week! As selfish as this is….I am thrilled. I have been really down this summer at points, and I attribute a lot of this to missing them and my stepchildren! In fact, Annie (my step-kid) and I are scheduled to talk tomorrow, and I can’t wait. If you don’t know my step daughter and son are in Australia…so we email daily…but I haven’t talked to Annie in a bit. Joe calls from work all the time, it’s me that misses out! Anyway…can’t wait to talk to her.
Then my nieces are home by Wednesday, so even thought they are sometimes to busy to chat with me, just knowing I can speak to them really helps. They have had a great summer. Addison in fact really grew up! Well, sort of. But they have had a ball…..they look healthy and happy in the pictures. It’s amazing; once they get home we will be in full Bat Mitzvah planning. Hayley and Sydney are having a double Bat Mitzvah in March(The reason my diet is even more important) It sort of breaks my heart though. When we started the adoption process, there was a hope that the nite before the Bat Mitzvah we would be doing a baby naming for Lia-Rose. That is a traditional Jewish custom. Then we were concerned that we might miss the Bat Mitzvah all together because we would be picking her up in China…oh well, I refuse to go there. Maybe during the service we can say a special prayer for Lia-Rose.

Tomorrow, I am attending a Waiting Family Barbeque at Heather’s. Should be fun and get to meet some fellow bloggers!

So, to wrap this all up, I have to ask everyone to send good blessings the way of “my friend Susan”. She is on her way to Russia right now to meet her referral. As many of you know, Russia’s system is quite different then ours, and ours means China . She travels once to meet the baby, and then files papers to adopt her, then returns in a few months to go to court and bring her home. It’s been a long grueling process for Susan. I admire her strength and composure. She certainly has kept her sense of humor (and style I might add) through this whole journey. Let’s hope that this little munchkin is the one….and you guys can get on with your life together!

New strategy

I have had a brainstorm! I have a completely new strategy in this whole waiting game....and here it goes...." I really don't care when this baby comes. I can wait for five years and it won't be long enough. I am not ready to be a mother. I could care less when it happens"....hmmm, doesn't sound nice,I am over exaggerating but the strategy is this...perhaps we want it so badly that it's like the watched pot that never boils or the phone call you watch the phone for, and it just never rings....so the tactic is by not wanting is as much as we do, maybe, just maybe we can turn this thing around. I know I make absolutely no sense. I am tired and hot and my gums hurt (long story but apparently I have inherited my mother's gum issues). There is something to this. It's the same thing with my diet. I refused to get on the scale and concentrate on the number, and guess what, I have felt empowered through this whole three month diet...and as of the day before yesterday when I jumped on the scale for my twice a month weigh in with myself...I lost...drum roll please, another two pounds! Total 17 pounds (premenstrual!) In fact I read an article today that said just this...stop concentrating on the number on the scale...on how you want that scale to move....just do it and stay off the scale everyday...so I apply the same philosphy to this wait...let's not obsess on it so much...release it a bit...we have no control over this so let the universe or whoever it is that controls our destiny do their thing....let's just let it be...and let it happen naturally.....who knows? Tonite it just sounds right....

Some positive vibes please!

I am not going to go there, but I am. The web rumors (which have basically all panned out in the last few months) are very bleak. Just crazy estimates of how long this is going to take. It's outrageous. It's unreal for us not all to go crazy. Being positive all the time is one thing. Being realistic and wondering what the Fxxk is another! I feel angry and frustrated. It's just not fair to those babies and to us. Please please please, if you are reading this, send a good vibe that this can change and we can see a speed up. Please. The more positive vibes the better. For now, I am taking this moment to be really angry...I will the move on.

Absolutely no comment on this.

That is me in the pink turtle neck and very shiny green pants (btw,I was 16)-AWFUL
Notice the Farrah Fawcett hair-doo doo. -AWFUL
For 'my friend Susan's benefit' -I was at the Concord in the Catskills! Weren't we all? I was all of 114 pounds and thought of myself as fat.
That's Lori, my sister, at her Sweet Sixteen. She was probably 105 pounds, and didn't think she was fat...I did think she looked somewhat Chinese....too funny

It's one year! One year since this blog was born.

A year ago in early August as I tried to finish up my last stages of the "paperchase', I started a blog. I had seen a few as I was doing my online research and I found them fascinating. How cool- people going thru the same experiences were sharing with each other the ups and the downs, and the ins and the outs. Not to mention, what a love letter to my daughter this was going to be! Years from now she can look back and learn that her mom was a lunatic…just kidding, I think? I admired how I read how bloggers met and created friendships. I loved reading the stories, and especially looking at the pictures of their newly referred babies. So I started mine. I randomly picked a name-just a top of mind suggestion and typed away. I figured I would do it here and there, but I remember thinking to myself, 'knowing me, I won't keep up with it.' Wow! It's a whole year…A WHOLE FRIGGIN' 12 MONTHS OF WRITING. I started going back, and recalled my entire year. A lot has changed, but then again, not so much has. We have moved down the line in our wait; we have been thru the rollercoaster ride of rules changes in China and wait increase rumors (and truths); we have shared in lots of fun family times; mourned the passing of a relative; went thru a hip replacement with my husband; worried about other relatives; had the wonderful joy of almost two months with my step-daughter; worked hard; cried hard; and not to mention…I kept up with it all. I even met bloggers and emailed with others. Plans are being made for meet and greets all thru the coming months, including next weekend with the very wonderful Heather (the designer of this site, by the way). My friend Anne Marie got her referral, went to Russia, came home from Russia, went back to Russia and now Czar Alexander is with her. "My friend Susan" is on her way to Russia next week to see if this baby is the one. Blog friends such as Stephanie thru all of this decided to adopt from Ethiopia as well as China. She is going to have two babies!!! One of my travel group members received a referral for a Waiting Child, a gorgeous one year old boy. Lovely Joanne who reads my blog received her referral for her beautiful daughter. My girlfriend and fav reader of mine Alysa, well she is pregnant! A beautiful baby is her tummy. My lid mates Audrey and Daniella hang in there with me as every day we know we are in this together. This blog has been a gift for me, a refuge where I can laugh and cry my eyes out. It's my space. My thoughts, my journal to myself and to my baby. I hope this next year brings more blogging filled with joy, happy moms and dads and tons of referrals…thanks for hanging out with me!!!!