I am loving Anonnie

If you have been reading my blog the last few weeks, you have read all about Anonnie. (See comments) I am not even sure that Anonnie is a real person..she is an angel...and seems to always say just what I need to hear...If you read my hormonally charged post below, you read that I've felt somewhat neglected. I know it sounds childish and selfish, but one of the best parts of being an expectant parent is the journey leading up to the birth of the baby. Unfortunetly, for those of us on the Adoption rollercoaster, it seems those rules don't apply. And I'm not talking about participating in cyber showers or secret pal clubs. I'm talking about the general world outside of US. Those that seem to have taken the fact that we too are expecting, for granted. I don't care if it takes 9 months or 9 years. This pregnancy and my child will mean just as much as the one that takes place biologically. Anyway, I digress. Anonnie asked me a bunch of those questions I've been aching to answer...thank you my friend. And not that anyone but me really cares, I'll answer them. Feel free to answer these wonderful questions on your blog too. Remember, you are having a baby!!!!
How did you pick the name Lia-Rose? : I was in the bath one day. Originally L-R's name was going to be Sophie Rose. But one day I was in the bath, my eyes closed and it came to me. As clear as day...Lia-Rose.Lia-Rose would be the perfect way to remember my sister in law Liz and my grandmother Rose Leah. It was beyond perfect for us. And it felt right.
Will your daughter be named after anyone special? See above
How are you going to celebrate when your daughter finally comes? Are you having a baby naming ceremony? What would you like it to be like? It is funny you ask this. This upcoming weekend is my nieces' Bat Mitzvah. Lori and I knew that family would be in town this weekend, and originally had been preparing that this weekend would have also served as Lia-Rose's entry into the family. In my mind my stepkids would have been here and we would have done the baby naming this Friday night....oh well. So, the new plan would be that I'd love to do a Baby naming ...at the synagouge where I was Bat Mitzvahed. My uncle is very active there and I know he would make sure it happened. Then I'd love two parties..one down in Philly where my family is and a big old New York party for my friends here! Oh I'm getting excited now! I'd probably rent out the club house of our condo and do a party during the summer months when the kids can go swimming too!

Besides health, what are the biggest hopes you have for your daughter’s future? I want Lia-Rose to believe that anything is possible. That she can be whoever she wants to be. I want her to travel. To spend summers exploring different cities and countries. I want her to have friends from all different backgrounds. I want her to be secure and be proud of who she is. I want her to just be. To always live in the moment and be happy ....

How do you feel about that whole movement where the baby sleeps in the bed with the parents? I am not sure. I know my natural incliniation will be to grab and and cuddle her all nite. But I also realize that that this may not be the best way to build security in a child. Sometimes letting them cry it out on their own will make them less dependent. But, what do I know. My 45 pound doggie sleeps in bed with us everynight and I wouldn't dare kick her out.

Are you going to let your daughter cry for a while in the other room – or pick her up immediately when you hear her weepy? Well, I sort of answered this above. I know it is going to be hard for me not to run to her. I don't want to over-do anything with her. I want her to grow up being secure. She will know that we are there for her. But she will also learn to handle things on her own.Again, what the hell do I know?

What’s the first trip you want to take your daughter on? Australia...to meet her family there!

What three books are important for you to share with your daughter? Great great question..not sure how to answer. There are a few beautiful children's books about adoption that I can't wait to read to her. I also want to share with her some of my favorites as I grew up..Little Women, Are YOu there God it's me....but as an adult, there is a book of prayers that is so special to me. It's call the Illuminata by Marianne Williamson. I open it everyday and pick a prayer to read. There are ones for happiness, depression, sickness, health, even for love and partnership and work. I love this book. Our wedding cermoney came from here. I can't wait to give this book to Lia-Rose when she will be old enough to appreciate it.

What do you want your daughter to call your parents and sister? (Granny? Nana? Grandma? Poppy? Gramps? Grandpa? Auntie?)
Definently Grandmom and Granddad...and Auntie Lori!!! Lori will be an Auntie!!!!

Just a rant.

I am feeling neglected. I can't explain it but either people are afraid to ask, or they just have forgotten, I AM HAVING A BABY. Lia-Rose will be in my arms one day...And I know that it seems crazy because this wait has become so unbearably long, but you know what, I am going to be a mother. I don't mean to point fingers at anyone, because it is no one in particular. It's the big elephant in the room. (or whatever that expression is)

I thank you for caring...but once in awhile, ask me. Don't avoid it. Just ask...What's the latest? Have your heard anything? Have you thought about what you want her room to look like? Please ask. It makes it real for us all. I am going to have this child. I am. So please, don't forget ...just ask.

It's you

"She is this special soul who is going to open windows for you. She is for you in some very special way."

May be too much information for some

If you read my blog you know that sometimes my posts are much more positive the others. I also know that in "real" life, certain times of the month I am feeling less optimistic then others. It truly is my blessing and my curse. The ebbs and flow of my cycle really mess with my mood. This month, yuck. I think stress makes it worse for me. In fact I am sure of that. I also think that as I grow older, it has gotten more intense. I'm watching a show now on PBS about Women and Menopause . It's very interesting and I am finding that so much of my past history of really bad cramps along with emotional despair, is quite normal. It the beauty of being a woman. Although it feels less beautiful and really ugly. I don't like how I am feeling about myself or about things this morning. I am such a generally positive person. I don't feel that way today. But, the good news is..."it's not me" ...it's my freakin' hormones!

Is 14 the new 25?

My step daughter Annie is almost 15 and my niece Hayley is 14 1/2.
Think of yourself when you were that age. Gawky, pimples, frizzy hair, a little ackward and insecure. Now check out these two ..note, I stole these photos from their MYSPACE.

This is Hayley. HELLO!!



Now, this is Annie....in the pink dress, second from left. HELLO!!!






Can you believe these two...unreal.


And by the way, I have my Sydney too..but can't seem to get into her MYSPACE ...hint hint!

2006

So, guess what. It looks like we are finally matching babies, not we, they, CCAA-China, for families LID in 2006. That's right, it's almost the third month of 2008 and we are finally getting in to 2006. Rumor has it, it's about four days into the new year of 2006. I guess it's progress.

Enough said, I'd rather stare at my niece Addie.

American Girl Addie

My mom and I gave Addie an American Girl for her birthday. Lori took this shot of her when she was opening it. I was on the phone with her at that moment.
A perfect ad for them, right?

I love this picture so much....now u know why I'm in love with that stinky little girl.

Happy Sweet 16

In the beginning the LID anniversary's seemed to keep me going...while doing my daily to do list this morning I just realized, today is 2/27...it's another month down in the wait! I will remain positive, I am positive...but holy cow..we have been waiting officially, 16 freakin' months! (PS that doesn't count that 24 months exactly we started the process, but it doesn't matter does it?)
Anyway, I am a super sweet 16 today! (D and A xoxo)

In other news....hmmm, I AM BUSY. Keeping myself occupied with work and with projects. I love it this way, and it does help time pass by.

Next Monday I am hosting a teleconference with my Support Group about the Waiting Child's program. I don't have a ton of responses from my fellow agency members, so my blog friends, if you are interested in learning more...please please email me at dashish@aol.com. I will send you the call in number. It's going to be great, and if you are looking for more information on the program, I think it will be helpful. Please come...and then we can "meet" each other...or at least hear each other's voices.

And one final note, a personal "shout out" to my dear little friend K-Jo. I love you sweetie, and the fact that you are so involved with this process, this blog, the whole adoption community...you are as obsessed as I am , and it goes to show you that the day we escaped tragedy together, was a day that an unbroken bond was created. You are truly another "shish". You are by far, the sister Lori and I were supposed to have. You are our "Addie". I love you.

Get the Cosmos Ready!

Can't wait...for many reasons!

Greetings from my sick bed. I have a big bad cold and it has knocked me down. When I was away last week, I was staying at house with two year old twins with a cold and a six year old with a fever. Hmm, wonder how I got sick! First time this winter and I feel truly terrible. So, I'll take advantage of it and just lie here. I have read the Sunday Times already, watched a ton of television and even caught up with some ABC programs that are web streamed right on my laptop.

I had another dream at sometime during all this. All I remember was that it was just the beginning of the year (duh, I guess it is still that now) but I remember it felt like it was right around the holidays. I was running into a bunch of former co-workers that I worked with like 15 years ago. Anyway, there were hugging me and saying. Oh Wendi, you will get your baby in 2008. This is it. This year you will get your baby. I woke up feeling that that had really happened. Aside from a very stuffed up head, that was a great way to wake up.

Anyway, and most importantly, I wasn't able to post yesterday as I just couldn't concentrate, but yesterday-Feb 23, is my beautiful, sweet, adorable, silly, smelly (kidding) niece Addison's birthday!!!! Happy Birthday Addie!!! It's funny, I realized something. When Hayley and Sydney were born, I was still a young-ish thirty something year old, who really was just living the life of that single career gal living in Manhattan. I was not thinking of getting married and children.Hell, at that point I just wanted to meet a decent boyfriend. I enjoyed the two older girls, not wanting to be anything but the greatest and coolest Aunt in the world. I was their buddy, their friend. When Addie was born, I was a little older. I soon met Joe and married. My relationship with her was a bit different. I wanted to "mother her". I was in a much different headset. My feelings toward her were framed with a different mindset. I wanted to be a mommy right then and there. Addie was and is the closest thing to having a little one. I enjoy her so much, and I love how she is always thinking of Lia-Rose. We had told her originally that Lia would be with us when turns seven. Well, unfortunately that isn't the case...maybe closer to eight ....but, the love this child shows for her little cousin already, is just so sweet. Happy birthday Addison Michaela.
I adore you and want to eat you up...piece by piece. You are my sweetie!

the anguish of the working mom

I am on the Acella from Providence to NYC. I have been away since Monday on an exciting business trip that has left me both exhausted and exhilarated. Tomorrow I wake up to another full day of meetings, a huge business to do list, and a zillion things to catch up on. I have my lap top. Cell phone and crack I mean blackberry attached to my hip. As I like to say, I am moving and grooving. I love this. Always have. I thrive like this. Always have. I can work 24-7, and I am sorry to say, I love it. I always have. So will that make me a terrible mommy? I will be a full-time working mom. That is the way it is, of choice and, that is the way it is. I will not be able to do play dates with L-R everyday,or be with her when she wakes from her naps. I am sorry my baby. But, you better believe she will be well looked after and given all the love in the world. Selfishly I work because I love it, but I also work to help provide the most wonderful life I can for her. Every time I pick up the phone and pitch business, meet with a client and coach them or stand up in a room filled with people and train and develop them, it is all for you baby girl. Far off in China there is a little baby who in my heart I believe is alive and waiting for us. I am doing this all for our family. I work hard to make a great life for u. So does your daddy! I want you to be proud of us. Tonight I called my sister's to tell her how exciting my week was. She was not home but my wonderful niece Sydney was. I gave her an edited version for a twelve almost thirteen year of what I had been doing. I said you would have been proud of me Syd! She said, I am always proud of you Aunt Wendi! Now that felt great! Thank you Syd!
Two other things. On the comments on my last two post Anon left a comment that was probably taken the wrong way by me and my blogger buds (esp KJo)...this dear person felt awful! Please do not! I thought u were someone (and so did Lori) and just by fact that we thought this person might have said that...pissed us off! LOL. Thank you for your deep concern. Xoxo
Now on a very serious note, my deepest sympathies to my blogger and LID BFF "D" and her family. - an so sorry for your loss. I love you and we have not even met!
(Forgive typos, I am on my blackberry)

Tired but good

Hi all. Nothing at all adoption related....I'm on a big business trip and it has taken my mind off of the freaking WAIT. Although with the wonderful meals I've been eating, I am thinking of my WEIGHT. Will buckle down on Nutri System over the next few weeks to get in tip top shape for the big Bat Mitzvah.

The trip is doing well. I made some big transitions in my career and I'm actually doing things that a few years ago I only really dreamed about. I know that sounds dramatic..but it's true. I'm very excited.

Anyway, I wish I had more to say, but just wanted to check in. I still haven't gotten my blog fixed, but I will this weekend.

And did you hear a rumor that a certain political candidate is having an affair...? Interesting....more to come!

Help

I am freaking out. I've lost my archived posts. I need some direction. I have a customized blog so the template is different then the generic blogs. The blog designer who did my blog is out of business, so I can't bother her. Any suggestions. I am really upset. Help!

Let’s pick up the mood here…F…U!

Yuck, in reading back over the past few posts, I have been so sad and frustrated. Granted, I sort of still am, I just need to write something a little lighter and happier. I have said it before…this wait stinks and I can't stand to feel stinky because of it!

No real adoption related anything. I did speak to my agency this week about a few things, and in sense, what we talked about gave me a renewed sense of hope. I encourage you, to be frank with your agencies and ask for the truth. Ask for just conversation. We are not c confrontational people. We are adults who are investing a lot of heart into this process. We are also your client "Mr. or Ms. Agency", so as someone who has spent a lifetime dealing with clients, treat them nicely. My friend MaryBeth received an inadequate response to an email she had sent. Bravo sister! Great response back to them. It's unacceptable. Remember friends, we are all on the same team here-our agencies and our families-we all want to bring home babies. If it's unacceptable for you treat someone that way, it's certainly unacceptable to be treated that way. (How the hell did I get off on this tangent? It is amazing when you don't know exactly what you are going to blog about, how the blog words come out and in places you really didn't know they would go.)

I taped an old Oprah episode that ran a few weeks back. She had a discussion about the SECRET and the Law of Attraction. I have written about this before. I truly believe. It's a tough concept, but how powerful to know that thoughts can help shape our reality. One Life Coach was on, Martha Beck. I totally will be paraphrasing what she says here, but she talks about wanting something out of desperation and wanting something from a place of peace. A place, where you are happy where you are, but would be much more complete with what you want. I liked that, and it made sense to me. Once again, she said it much more brilliantly then I. I am just trying not to feel and to appear desperate. There is nothing I can do but be powerful over this wait.

My sister said, it really is truly like trying to get knocked up (ok, not that my sister with three nieces - I mean three daughters-who got pregnant pretty quickly would really know, but she is a smart smart gal that Lori Jill). As the month starts up again, we get excited and feel optimistic as we attempt to "conceive" Each month that passes without any knowing deadlines is like getting our periods. We still aren't pregnant…except we are. On paper.

So, in putting this all together in one clear thought for myself..because like I said, I have no idea where this blog post is going, I am going to start looking at baby clothes again (well toddler), start imaging how the bedroom would look, maybe buy a gift of two for Lia-Rose. I was collecting books and stuffed animals. We have all just stopped doing this stuff because of how much it hurts. I am tired of letting that hurt hold me back from keeping positive. I am so sorry to say this but…F U hurt! F U negativity! Just F U!!! (Try that..it feels really good!) I'm going shopping! (And if you were wondering, the image at the top is the Chinese character FU. )

L is for

...LOVE!
It's Valentine's Day and I am feeling the love.
First and foremost, Happy 21st Birthday to my step-son Adam! We are sorry we aren't there to celebrate but wish only the best.
Love to all my friends. I feel so happy to have created such great relationships with so many of you. Love you all and thank you for making me feel so loved.

Love to my husband, parents, sister and family.

xoox

Patience

I know that is what most people tell me during this wait. But I have to tell you, I've heard it, I've heard it, I've heard it. And guess what, I don't have it anymore. It's gone. Zip. Outta of here! It's a different situation having patience around a situation where there is a clear idea of when your patience will pay off. In this case, that doesn't exist. No one knows. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm sure you are tired of hearing about it. So no more. My patience has worn thin my friends.

As many of you know, I am a trained executive coach. As a coach, I work with clients examining their professional and of course overlapping personal lives if that is something my client chooses to share. The core of my work is examining the following-Where are you, where do you want to be? What are your strengths? How can we use your strengths to help you get you to that place where you want to be?
What are the obstacles standing in your way? What can we do to remove those obstacles?

Here's my frustration. When I apply this to my own life, and this situation I am in with this adoption wait, I clearly understand where I am ...and of course where I want to be. I know my strengths, I know how applying my strengths can certainly help me. It's the damn obstacles. In this case, they are out of my control. That is where my frustration lies. I can't do a damn thing to change this current situation. I have come to the realization that I must make some sort of change in thinking. Perhaps the circumstance is not exactly how I thought it would be.

I know I'm speaking in weird circles here. I however, understand myself. I know my husband does as well.

I am no going to paint false hopes for anyone anymore. I think the time has come for me to face the truth. And now, with that obstacle out of the way. I will do what I have to do. Don't get me wrong, I will most definetly be a mother.

Folks, this is not easy. I gotta tell you, I feel a bit beat up, angry and just shot. The more the weeks pass, the further I feel I am getting from my child. I try to fight, to remain positive, to believe. Somedays it is hard. It remains just a fantasy, not anything that can poaaibly happen. I do not wnat to give up. I do not want to stop believing. I really don't. I write this today to simply get it off my chest. Please do not leave comments and tell me everything will be ok. I know it will, this is just simply how I feel this morning. And this too shall pass.

The Year of the Rat

Happy Chinese New Year!

This was reprinted from AOL.

February 7 not only ushers in the Chinese New Year -- which ends January 25, 2009 -- but the commencement of a fresh 12-year cycle. Therefore, the Year of the Rat is associated with fresh starts, new opportunities and hard work. Starting a job, getting married or moving to a different neighborhood are all favored -- especially if you were born in the year of the Ox, Dragon or Monkey. If you were born in the year of the Rat, prepare for a double dose of good fortune throughout the Chinese New Year! No matter what year you were born, you will make progress with new ventures. But be patient, as they will take time to grow to fruition.

Don't expect to make a financial killing in the next 12 months, though. As far as the Year of the Rat is concerned, it's best to take a conservative approach with investments. Long-term ventures will prove more profitable than fly-by-night opportunities. The real estate market will continue to slow down, with states in the northern half of the United States faring slightly better than those in the southern sector.

Sex scandals are often associated with Rat years, so don't be surprised if some shocking news knocks a promising political candidate out of the United States presidential race. Interestingly, women are highly favored to take political office in the Year of the Rat. The politicians that will fare best in this year will be the ones who are sharp, cunning and know how to navigate their way out of tight corners. One thing is certain: whoever ultimately takes office in the Year of the Rat will generate plenty of controversy.

This Chinese New Year presents a marvelous opportunity to strengthen family ties. Instead of going out to expensive restaurants and fancy parties, you may prefer to fix home-cooked meals with your nearest and dearest. Cozy, casual gatherings are preferable to glittery, glitzy ones in the Year of the Rat. This animal prefers substance over style.

As far as health is concerned, most people will see an overall improvement. Any illnesses that occur could be related to environmental problems. Clean soil, air and water will become increasingly urgent issues throughout the Year of the Rat.

Dear Hillary

I am truly sorry. I have been your biggest fan and supporter for years and years. You are brilliant, a hardworker,and tough. I admire your persistance, your courage, your determination. I was all set to vote for you. I have publically supported you for sometime. I have sent you money. But in the end, as I stepped up to that voting booth, I changed my mind. I voted for your opponent. I voted for Barack Obama. I fast forwarded to the general election. I saw how the Republicans would attach you. How the get out the vote would be "it's time to get out the Clintons". I don't want to hear about the past. The scandals, the stories filled with lies. It's enough. I didn't want to hear a debate about character. I want to hear a debate about issues. A debate about changing the course of this country. With a Clinton, I'm so sorry to say, that isn't always possible. I don't want it be that way, but that is quite frankly just the way it is. I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I didn't follow through with my pledge to you. I just had enough.

Now, Mr. Obama, I pray you don't disappoint me. I have now pledged my support to you. Show me substance. Show me guts. Your speeches of hope are inspiring... but I do know that hope really comes from within. I want to know that you can get things done. Surround yourself with smart people. Surround yourself with people who are action makers. Please don't disappoint. Don't take my vote lightly.

So, in the end, I traded experience and action, for what I hope will be a more substantial campaign. A campaign that truly may help bring this country..black, white, asian, hispanic, jewish, christian, muslim ...together. I am taking a bit of a leap of faith here....but, I suppose all change requires risk. I hope I am not wrong.

Now, no matter what, make sure to vote today....your choice is your voice.

Clinton vs Obama

So, not to get all political on you, but this primary has me just torn apart. This election for many reasons is so important to me. It's the first time I'll vote for a president who will lead this country when my daughter comes to live here. This is the President who will lead the way for our next generations and make history. This world is way beyond myself now, it's about creating a world for my daughter. A world that is peaceful, that is prosperous. A world that doesn't set limits. A world that is equal in opportunity for women and men, for Blacks, Asians, Hispanics and Whites. This election will elect the President who can essentially put this country back on track. This election is for my daughter.

So, I am lost. I am confused. I am hesitant to say that this once absolutely sure vote for one of them, is questioning which way to go.

For those who know me, you know that I am a Democrat through and through. My parents brought me up in a very politically active and very aware household. We worked every election growing up. Parties were always "politcal" parties. As a young adult I worked in campaigns and dedicated my time to campaigning. Perhaps in the past few years, not as much. But, I still care. I still have a deep interest and I am still concerned.

So where does this vote go. To the person who I believe is far more qualified. Who is for sure a doer. The person that I am sure will see that action is taken. Or the someone that hasn't proven themselves to me yet, but there is so much hope and excitement around. Who is charismatic and charming. Do I listen to the pundits and polls who say that one candidate will stand to beat the GOP's better then the other? Where do I place this vote? This is about making the world a safer place for this child who is coming into my life....a better place for my step-children, my nieces and little cousins. This is about our future.

I never ever thought that I would see a woman or a black in the White House. It is overwhelming to me that this is what my choice has come down to. A white woman and a black man. I fill up with tears, truly when I think about this. This is so very exciting and we are living in truly historical times.

So, on Super Tuesday, I will vote. I will vote for Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. I vote for my Lia-Rose now. My vote, is for her future.