Will Power

Never though I had it. Whether it is that extra glass of wine or the handful of cookies that I could easily grab and don't, something has changed inside of me and I can only say that it is willpower. The willpower not to lose faith in myself, my marriage, my world as this wait continues. The willpower to stick to a diet and exercise plan and lose 15 pounds! (Yes 15 so far!). The willpower to not let my heart feel broken when mind says my baby needs me. The willpower to still laugh when others around me are down and blue. The willpower to feel that I can make a difference for others. The willpower not to cave in and call it a day. I am stronger then ever. Knowing and truly believing that Lia-Rose WILL BE is making me a better person. We all have those little voices inside of us that tempt us to deviate where we need to remain strong. My first act of becoming a mother is to become the type of mother my daughter would be proud of. Strong, in control and satisfied. The gift that Lia-Rose has already blessed me with is the willpower to become just that. Willpower: Determination, resolve, drive, strength of will, strength of mind, self-control, self-disipline. I wish that for us all.

Saw it...adored it!
Happy 9 Month Lidversary to Daniella, Audrey and me!!!! And all of you other 10/27'ers!

Yee Haw!!!

This baby!

So, when it comes to having a baby, nine months is pretty significant. It marks the end of gestation….the culmination of growth inside of one’s mother. It marks birth. Of course, being paper-pregnant, the 9th month mark is just another month closer to your child. A month down in a wait that you are unsure when it might end. We are 8 months,4 weeks and one day today, but who is counting. I have been asked lately why I don’t chose to go to another country. Or perhaps, adopt domestically. Why wait so long? First off, I must say, that I would love to have two or three children. I would love to raise siblings and enjoy a house filled with my children. I know that this is unrealistic for us. Our lifestyle and more importantly our age, really does restrict having more then one child. Some might disagree with that, but it is reality. I am a 40h something (more then something) working mother, certain things restrict me. But that is our choice, So why not go somewhere else –go where it might be quicker. I want one day Lia-Rose to read this and understand something critical….WE ARE WAITING FOR YOU! You are the child we were meant to have. And I can’t explain it better then this….I know and Joe knows deep down in our hearts that Lia-Rose is in China. Any other baby would not be Lia-Rose. Any other child would not be the baby I was meant to mother. Some might think I am crazy or that I am being close-minded to other opportunities. NO. This is where she is. I am stubborn as a mule. I know this for a fact.

There is a Yiddish word that I love. It’s “bershert”…translation-meant to be. I do believe this truly is “meant to be”. I have to wait, for that is part of this process. There is nothing I can do but stay focused, and WAIT. I am nine months down for god’s sake. Time goes on...hours turn into days, and suddenly it’s the weekend. Then poof, the weekend is over. We have to enjoy and savor every moment of this time. It goes quickly. And now, I want to ENJOY this pregnancy. I want to buy clothes for her, and start shopping for baby furniture with my mom and sister. I want to plan out the colors of her room and start cleaning out that messy closet in there. Being Jewish, we wait a bit for this, what can I tell you? I so want to revel and be as excited as any expectant mother is. Come on waiting mom’s! We are going to have a baby!!! We are going to be someone’s mommy. I am going to be a mother of THIS baby. My Lia-Rose, born in China.


Addendum: Cute thing happened.....I was in the ladies room at work for the eighth time in an hour, I am exagerrating, but I am drinking too much water. Anyway, I was telling someone I work with that a friend of ours was pregnant. Then she mentioned another woman we know is also pregnant. I said, "u know I am pregnant too". I said, "as matter of fact I am nine months pregnant!"...She looked at my like I had two heads...I said "I AM HAVING A BABY GIRL IN CHINA!!!!" It felt so good, and so natural to just announce this to her!!! I am as pregnant as anyone else is!!! In a different way, but it all will count the same in the end!

Hold on

Little girl of my dreams, I love you.
Little baby in my heart, you are everything to me
Little soul are you on this earth yet? Is someone holding you and loving you?
Little Lia-Rose,I will wait for you as long as it takes
You are mine forever more. We will all be a famly soon.
Hold on, it's all we can do.

A non adoption conversation

O'k, I have absolutely nothing to write about this adoption journey today. Well nothing that hasn't already been said. So, since this is my blog, I turn it over today to a dieting conversation. I have stuck to Nutri-System better then I have stuck to anything in years. I am down TEN pounds. I was really up there because the weight I am at today is my "stuck at" weight that I have been at for the last five or more years. My clothes are big on me now. I am a very comfortable size eight. At 5'2 1/2, my medium size frame should be a size eight, six better. I still have at least 10 to 15 to go to really feel I am at the weight I really should be. I am good now....I want to be great. Right now I couldn't eat any less. I can probably exercise more, but I also have to be a bit careful as I tend to overdue it and then have intense back pain. I am trying to find the balance. To find the place where I don't feel like I am killing myself or depriving myself- where I can have a little fun. Anyway, my question is to you.....any hints how a 46 year old can up her metabolism a bit and push thru this next 10 pounds. I know about lifting weights, and drinking more water....anything else????

By the way, a coach of mine, Jille, has just launched an a weightloss blog: http://thebodyconnection.blogspot.com/. She is hosting FREE weightloss conferences with guest speakers on Monday nites. Go to her blog for details.

New Jersey State of Mind

In the past 24 hours I've enjoyed the beaches of the Jersey shore as well as the beautiful feel of country and nature in Ramapo, New Jersey. I needed a break, this State that I live in offered me the chance to rejuvante and "get away" from my normal routine. Yesterday, a good client and friend of mine planned an off site business meeting that took us down to the beautiful beaches of New Jersey. We walked, we talked, we accomplished some business, and we relaxed. I needed to look at the ocean. To smell the air and to feel the sun on my skin. It couldn't have been more perfect. Then this morning, after saying good bye to Joe who had to work at 6a, I packed Ms. Molly the Dog in the car we drove about 30 miles from here to this wonderful Indian Reservation/Park in Ramapo. It was incredible to be walking the trails there at 7a by myself.We passed maybe three other people. I tried not to think. I wanted to feel nature and let the beautiful open space do what it wanted with me. It was so great and just what I needed. It was a week where I felt blue and restless. I am quite possibly in the halfway point to this adoption-it's nine months next week. I tried not to focus on that. I just feel like I want change and I realized that I am the one with the power to keep things moving in my life. So that's what I will do. Where I can I will, and when I start feeling a bit down, I'll remember to always put myself in this New Jersey State of Mind where I can walk down a beach or up a hill by a lake and find myself again.

Addie at camp

Feel a bit blue today, I admit it. But little Addie can alwas cheer you up!

It always takes you back

It's always the same. Something happens and your heart beats a little harder then it was before. Your skin crawls and tears well up in side. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, all time stands still and it takes you right back to the days following 9/11. Tonite was one of those times. Fortunately, it was not terrorism. They say it was a steam pipe bursting. I had left the office about an hour earlier, and was safe at home in NJ when it happened. I would have been blocks away anyway, but I am glad I was home. My cell phone rang and I heard panic in my friend David's voice. He asked what was going on? I had no idea what he was talking about and we both began to panic. We were together that day in September '01 and suppose we now have a natural inclination of needing to talk so each other when something happens. We both "get" why we panic. In a way that probably all of us who were close to the Towers that morning understand. In fact, probably all of us in NYC do. Bottom line, a dozen plus people were hurt. I do have one friend who works near by and she isn't returning my call. I am a little nervous. I can't honestly say that I am sure that everything will be o'k when something like this happens. It wasn't o'k on 9/11. We live in a different world now. What seemed like a no way that would never happen here scenario, no longer is true. I wish so badly we lived in a safer time. It scares me to think that my daughter ,nieces, step-children and YOUR children will grow up in a suspicious world. We need to all pray and fight for peace. I don't want to be scared to fly on a plane or be in a big crowd. I just want to simply ride the subway, without wondering what the person next to me is hiding under their coat. I am sick and tired of second guessing our President and leaders. I want a world where we know that the future is bright. To know that hundreds of my fellow New Yorker's were panicked tonite because they thought they were reliving 9/11 is distressing. This is the new world we live in. This is the new New York we love.

PS My friend left me a message..She is o'k.

Tagged

I really hate this game, but my blog/LID friend Daniella http://kowalskijourney.blogspot.com/"tagged me" so, I have to anwer. The assignment is to name 8 interesting or unique things about myself. I swear to god, right now, I can't think of any. But let me try:

1.I was a ballonatic when I was in college. What that means is that I delivered singing telegrams in a gorilla suit and or cute little delivery suit
2. When I was 17 I was selected as a Presidential Classroom student from my school and spent a week in Washington, DC
3. I get really really bad cramps and hate my period more then anything (that's really not that interesting or unique but I have bad cramps right now so it was top of mind)
4. I always knew I would have a child of a different race or background
5. I used to get my tarot cards read every single week (sooooo weird, but fun and slightly addictive)
6.I set the alarm clock for 30 minutes prior to getting up and hit snooze every 10 minutes, my husband hates me for this
7. I got my first pet when I was 28, a cat named Louise. She passed away and I adopted Amber and Casey, two old dogs. We lived together in my one bedroom apartment in the city and it really smelled from them, I was embarrassed.
8. I met my husband online when he was living in Australia

Now I tag "my friend Susan", I won't tag Ann Marie because she is too busy with the Czar, my sister Lori and Amy who I have read some lovely comments from on my blog!

Weekend update, if I may

Yikes, I am tired. Almost too tired to write. But I felt guilty not writing, so I am will ramble along here and see what comes out. This weekend was a book reading with China Ghosts Author Jeff Gammage down in Philly, and visiting at Camp Saginaw in Oxford PA. Lots of driving, hanging with Samantha-Hayley's best bud who I brought up to camp, meeting a great lady at the book reading, Linda, who's log in date was on my birthday, worrying about a strange message that was left for Joe (we still don't know what it was, but it's o'k)eating pickle with my mom (and yes Lori, I said pickle)and driving in traffic. Oops, I said that, but there was lots of it. Yes, I am still on my diet....I am down 10 plus pounds and feeling great....still really stay away from the scale. A size eight skirt was too big! Anyway, here are some pics from the weekend...I have Jury Duty tomorrow! I better go to sleep.....PS Addie lost all of her front teeth and by the look of her hair, it has not been brushed in four weeks! She is still the most delicious child I know though! The big girls are doing great!!!

A letter to my daughter, Lia-Rose

Dear Lia-Rose,

It is Friday, July 13, 2007. As I sit here and type this letter to you I have no idea of when we will be together. That is the truth. I don't know if it is an optimistic year from now, or could it be 18 more months, could it even be two more years? I know it really doesn't seem fair sometimes. I want to be with you so badly. I want you in my arms more than anything else in the world. I sit and watch others get pregnant and then poof, nine months later their baby daughters and sons are in their arms. With us, it is not that easy. You and I Lia-Rose have something in common right from the start. We both are fighters. We are survivors. We will hold tough until we are united. I don't know where you might be right now. You may be growing at this very moment in your birth mother's tummy, or safely tucked into a crib with your nannies and sisters in an orphanage. You might be taken care of by a wonderful Foster Mom and Dad. I just hope you are safe. I know you are a fighter. Fighting for us Lia-Rose. Being a brave little baby. You might be crying for food, and no one can feed you. You maybe are longing just to be held. All I know is that you are surviving. You are o'k. Because you are being a brave little girl. You are my daughter and we will fight this to the end to be together. No matter how many months of tears and crying. No matter how much we long for each other's embrace. We are both putting on happy faces. Staying calm and focused. No one will guess from the outside how much we are aching for each other on the inside. It's our secret.

Lia-Rose, we will be together. That is the way it is supposed to be. It's love that brought us to this journey. It will be love that will bring us together. I love you forever and ever.

Your mother to be

Oh what a nite!

Last nite I had a blast. And even though my husband teased me relentlessly that he was mad at me …he knew that a night out with some of buddies from the past was definitely a treat for me. I have some dear males friends who through-out my twenties were my best hang out buddies. Sure, I had girlfriends, but these were my boys. Dan, who is the leader of this pack, was the leading crazy dude. Over the years I have worked for him twice, quit working for him twice, laughed with him, teased him, was teased by me, sang with him, cried with him, danced with him, set him up with numerous girls named “Susan” (more to come on that later), stood by him as he married, became his oldest son’s god mother, fought over politics until he finally understood what we had been saying all these years about the Bushes, and held his hand the day after he found out his wife was leaving him. He is my dear friend and we have a ridiculously fun time together. He lives in Louisville and I only get to see him a few times a year when he is up here on business. Last nite a group of us gathered-my boys-Dan and Glenn both newly single. My girls “my friend Susan” of blog fame and a new work friend , Chris who is also single. I thought that I’d fix them all up and then go home. I mean I am the married one. But no…..I mean NOOOOO…I was having way to much fun for that . It was totally a blast as Dan, Glenn and I reminisced about the past. I hadn’t seen Glenn in about 15 years. By the end of the night we ended up at a Karaoke Bar, which was one of our favorite things to do. From the Rolling Stone, to the Hooters to Tina Turner we all rocked it out. Not to mention the Grease Medley! The truth is, Dan and Glenn are incredible singers. They blew us away with some of their renditions.

Anyway, this morning when I came to work, by the way I got home at 1:15am (don’t ask) Chris came up to me, after I apologized profusely for in anyway embarrassing her (she said we didn’t!)and marveled that it was amazing how ‘my friend Susan” and I are cool mothers to be. She went on to say that it was wonderful to see women who had lived their lives and enjoyed the many experiences that life has offer now become mothers. I thought about that for a bit and I have to agree with her. I have had the opportunity, both being single a long time and being married a short time, of having some really incredible times. I have met and worked with some very successful people and celebrities, enjoyed some interesting travel, experienced NYC to its fullest, worked in an exciting and fast paced business, had fun business meetings with incredible clients (Debbie if you are reading this includes you!)saw many concerts, plays and live entertainment, been to incredible restaurants, sipped great wines, over-spent on some great shoes, worked on exciting projects and political campaigns, danced till dawn, sang and cried my heart out, and enjoyed a wonderful family. I loved being called a “cool mother”. Not sure exactly what that means, but I do know that I am ready for nights at home rolling on the bedroom floor and weekends in the playground. I am ready to change a few dozen diapers a day, to hold a crying baby and rock them till they stop crying. I am ready! But, you never know when the mood for some singing will strike! Bring it all on!


And by the way, I might have made a little match….’my friend Susan’ and Dan…to be continued!

Did you ever imagine something in your mind that felt so real that you could literally feel it? Now, please, I know that I can be nutty,in a good way of course, but for the past few days, I “feel” Lia-Rose (L-R). For example the other nite I went into her bedroom (which is currently L-R’s and Annie’s room until we get a third bedroom, but neither of them are currently here, so it doesn’t matter) and I leaned over the bed and said “time to go to sleep now my sweetie.” I literally hit myself and felt a bit psychotic. On Sunday as I was walking to the pool with my two tote bags and arms filled with towels, I totally imagined myself wheeling the stroller down the street and talking to her about what a good time we were going to have at the pool. Then last nite, I snuck out of my bedroom because of some loud snoring going on and went into the official L-R/Annie room. I tucked myself into the bed and as I lay there, I felt my daughter curling up beside me. Before I know it I found myself snuggling my daughter, in my mind. Again I caught myself and wondered, what the hell is going on. I believe in the law of attraction. I believe that what we think …is. I do know that when women are pregnant, they have strange dreams and thoughts. I suppose this is true for paper-pregnant woman as well. I have always been intuitive, so perhaps somewhere in China L-R is really coming into being.

I had a very nice weekend this weekend. It was nice to not have too many plans and just kind of chill. Joe worked strange hours this weekend, so I was left to my own devices, and spent the time wisely. I 've recently enrolled in a 96 hour Advanced Corporate Coaching Program, so I have lots of studying. Additionally, I'm working on plans for my Waiting Family Support Group. Needess to say, I was able to keep myself busy. Today, my friends Alice, Larry and their unbelivably cute daughter Olivia came to the pool with me. In the development we live in there is a huge pool club with a resturant/grill/bar and all. It can easily feel like you are at a resort if you shut your eyes and day dream....which I always do at the pool. There are tons of kids, and I am watching them grow up summer after summer. I am infamous for closing my eyes at the pool and just imagining. Summer one, I was finishing up some fertility treatments and still considering the fact that I might get pregnant. I daydreamed alot about the possiblity of IVF and Donor eggs and those sorts of choices. Summer two, I had major GYN surgery and deep down thought that perhaps I still could get pregnant. I daydreamed about babies in general as I sat by the pool that summer. Was I meant to be a mother? Summer three, last summer, I was finishing up the Paperchase. I was getting documents notarized,waiting on Immigration approval and all that stuff that the paperchase entails. I was daydreaming about a baby that would quite possibly be in my arms by the following fall. The name Lia-Rose was just coming to be. And now Summer four, everyone I see by the pool asks me when the baby will be here? Everyone asks how I am doing. The daydreaming is different. In a sense, my baby, Lia-Rose is much more real then ever before. The past summers it was just an idea of the possiblity....now it's more the reality of what is going to happen. I have a feeling that next summer, she won't be here but she will be closer. I am hoping my daydreams next summer will be more about the nursery that I am putting together, the tons of babysitters that I have interviewed and about my newly appointed work schedule. Next summer I will be much closer. This summer, I will still dream.

Sex and the City ….the movie!

It's so exciting. My girls are going to back. The movie starts filming in the fall of '07! What is going to happen? Carrie and Big? Miranda and Steve? Samantha up to her tricks? And of course, at the end of the show Charlotte and Harry got their referral picture of their baby girl ….in China! Yee haw! Can this be a positive story about adoption? Something a bit more realistic then what happened on the King of Queens. I didn't see it, but apparently they decide to adopt, and in one episode, they apply, they get their baby and of course then get pregnant. I have high hopes for Sex and the City to reflect the truth about what we are going thru. O'k a little Hollywood license allowed. A little creative bending the rules. They have always been accurate of their portrayal of single life in NYC. In fact, my life was pretty much at the same point as the girls during the hay day of the show. Not quite as exciting, but I do always say that Joe is my "Aidan". So why is it that the chit chat on IMDB is that Charlotte does in fact go to China to get her baby and guess what, while there she finds out she is pregnant! I am sure we will hear the lines-"that always happens. You adopt and you then get pregnant. You have your real baby too!"

We have all heard it. I have. "Oh Wendi, your adopting…bet you get pregnant." "Wendi, your period is late….what if you're pregnant?" Listen up …listen closely. I am not going to get pregnant. It's not going to happen……I don't care. I am thrilled to be delivering my baby thru the birth canal of the CCAA. This is how I was meant to have this child. Why do the media have to perpetuate the myth that adoptive moms get pregnant after they decide to adopt. I will be disappointed if the Sex and the City The Movie producers do that. Please, let Charlotte and Harry have a safe and easy trip to China. I might be the only one who feels this way, I am sorry. I just think it makes adoption look like second best…..

Blog moments

As I write this we are returning from our trip to the nation's capitol. We are on 95 headed north somewhere between DC and Baltimore. There were happy but yet very sad moments over the last few days. There were so many things that as I was experiencing them I thought to myself, "wow this would make a great blog post". My father and I argued about blogs and I suppose my blog in particular. I am guessing his generation does not understand public exposure of private thoughts. We, Joe and I tried to explain to him that this up-to-the minute log of our life and journey to Lia-Rose will be an incredible gift for us to give her. Its memories as they are happening. How great is that? I am not sure he understood, but that's o.k.

Seeing my aunt and uncle was incredibly sad for me. The two of them looked so beaten down by the years. Pain and sadness was evident by looking at them and hearing the weakness in their voices. It broke my heart. Just five years ago we were drinking Manhattans and dancing to jazz music at a Steak House on 57^th Street. Now, dining was exhausting and no cocktails and dancing. A few laughs, some fond memories and stories shared. Getting old sucks. A natural passage in our lives, but none the less it really stinks. I am glad I saw them and spent this time.

Now, for some more uplifting thoughts...Joe and I did the quickest tour of DC ....passing by all the monuments quickly, and I (undercover) gave a finger to the resident of 1600 Pennsylvania. I think Joe got a good feel for the Capital but we will definitely have to go down again. There were Chinese families everywhere as well as adoptive families. In fact at a rest stop on the way down we met a family with two kids from Kkhastan ( I have absolutely no idea how to spell it). The children were Eurasian and so beautiful. I gravitated to the little girl who it turns out was 11 months old and had just been home a month from the orphanage. She was lovely and her family was so friendly and kind. Then in the ladies room, I ran into a mom and Chinese daughter from Long Island. The daughter had been adopted 7 years ago. While touring in DC I kept spotting adoptive families all over the place. In fact, that was the best part of the day. I kept saying to Joe…"there's another family!" I think he thought I was going to talk to them all…it was just so reassuring to see so many wonderful blended families.

My Waiting Family Support Group has kicked off with close to 50 families. The letters of thanks I am getting is overwhelming. I can't let them down and hope I can make an impact. Well Happy Fourth! Referrals are supposedly on the way. Still stuck in November of '05…but it's moving..slowly as I have said before but surely. But the great news is that Ann Marie and Zach have their baby goy...oops..I mean boy, but I suppose he is a goy..(that's yiddish for non jew) anyway..I urge you to look at the photos of him ...he is beautiful. Ann Marie..MAZEL TOV.(comeundone.typepad.com)

 

Happy getaway weekend

I won't be blogging for the next few days (withdrawal)....except I will be reading thanks to my trusty blackberry. How could I not? My dear Ann Marie is in Russia as we speak going thru adjustments with the "Bee", referrals are on their way, "my friend Susan is in referral mode", babies are coming home, my sister is checking in from camp....oy, this Blogging is truly a soap opera...except it is our life! Joe and are taking my parents to Washington DC tomorrow. Tonite, a 40th surprise party for my friend's husband down at the beach. I haven't felt great the past few days with a very sore leg from the jogging I've tried to take up....but I am excited for a break. It's been awhile. The reason we are heading down to DC is to see two of my most favorite relatives in the world, my Aunt Reeva and Uncle Max. They are both aging and having health issues, and unfortunatly time doesn't stand still....I need to see them. And be with them and just hope they will one day meet my Lia-Rose. Have a great long holiday weekend...I've been watching the Concert for Princess Di and it brings back a lot of memories as well....time does move on....anyway, Happy 4th on the 1st!