Translation: Daughter

My mind can't stop thinking

My mind can not stop thinking. It's hard to sleep....it's hard to concentrate...it's hard to stop thinking about this baby. What a strange time this is. I do well at work, I think. I really try to concentrate on the job at hand, while checking into the Yahoo Message groups through-out the day. It's just hard. I have to admit, I have so many worries. What if this baby doesn't come through? What if what if what if. I have to turn it off. I spend my evenings online. I don't even turn the television on, or put on music. I read blogs, I read adoption website. I read about the wonderful stories. I read about the rumors. I read and try to learn as much as possible. In the meantime, my poor husband must want to kill me....but he knows how important this is for me to do. No updates today. Just still waiting on the I171. Four weeks next week...we are getting closer. Please say a few prayers for us.

Referrals

A bunch of parents got there referrals this week. It's so wonderful for them. In the brief research that I did, it looked like most came in at around 12 to 13 months. The babies that I heard about were all under a year...and so beautiful. There is a wonderful website www.julydragonflies.com that lists a ton of referrals and beautiful pictures. It was so awesome to read their stories and see their photos. I have to admit, I pretended one or two of the babies were mine. There were two named Lia. Spelled the same way too... Just so special!

I am getting anxious to get my forms!!! It's been three weeks today....the countdown continues.

Quick inspirational moment

Quote of the Day"Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."– Steve Jobs

Pickles at nite

There are rumors all of the message boards that state that the CCAA is changing the rules as of January '07. For all those that don't know,the CCAA is the organization that controls adoptions in China. Right now referrals are backed up and it is taking more then 12 months to get referred to your baby. A few years ago it was six months. In order to control the numbers, the rumor is they are going to change the requirements. Basically limit single parent adoptions (very sad), age restrictions, financial, and health...to name a few. I should be logged in, please god, way before this...Not even sure how it would effect us, although possibly the age could. I am just pretty nervous that something will go wrong with my paperwork, the restrictions will be enforced and I'll become ineligible. This is what is driving me nuts! .I make so many scenarios up in my head. I have to stop and start being positive! .We are well on are way, and if it takes longer then expected, so be it. (All I know is that it is 12:34am on a Sunday nit, I can't sleep, I am stressing. I am also hungry and just ate three pickles ...I know gross, but there are no calories. ) I wrote the director of my agency today, and shared my concern...Below is her response...

The stuff on the internet is just rumor. Nothing has been changed at this time and certainly won't be until January, if ever. Try not to worry, nothing has changed. Ruthie

The feelings

I found this website tonite...please watch these special videos. I won't have to say anything...just watch. http://gotchamemories.net/Gotchavideos-videopage.html
(You may need some tissues :) )

Not much to say

Well it's two weeks exactly since our fingerprinting. Not much to do but wait. There is the chance that the report will be back in four weeks...but mostly likely not. I was talking to someone today on my Yahoo! message boards and we were saying that at least during the "paperchasing" you felt that you were in doing something. At this point there is not a thing to do but wait. And, this is just the beginning of the wait. So, what is a girl to do? I continue to blog and I'll continue to network within the adoption community and learn as much as I can.

Tired to nite, so I will say goodnite....Wendi

Interesting interview

Ok...I am posting someone else's article...is that illegal on a blog? Anyway...don't you wonder how the match us up with our daughters? The organization in China that is responsible is the CCAA. *Chinese Center for Adoption Affairs. Can you imagine...they have thousands of dossier's and thousands of babies in orphanages..and somehow some way the right matches are made....I read this interview by a woman who is an adoptive parent who runs an adoption agency...wanted to share....and boy do I wish I had sent a better passport photo :)

Amy Eldridge's Interview in the Matching Room (2002)

"I have been to the CCAA and will be going there again next month when the Orphan Relief Fund officially launches. I have asked hundreds of questions to them on how things are done. I'll try to answer some that have come up here.1) It (matching) is not random, single file, as in "baby 1 in stack with parent 1 in stack." There are 8 lovely young women in the matching room who DO look at (each family's) condensed info on the computer screen and then look through about 5-6 baby files to see which one is the best fit. You are most definitely MATCHED.It can be from appearance on those passport photos (your dossier photos never make it to the matching room,they are used for review), it can be by hobby (baby who loves music being matched to a woman who loves piano), it can be by meaning of the baby's name (baby whose name means "flower" being matched to a family who runs a nursery), or many other factors.The woman I watched matching said that sometimes she holds a baby's file up to the computer screen and it is just a perfect match for no understandable reason. Sometimes it has to do with age...for instance, if there is an agency group with six families and then six babies, and one parent is 60 while another is 35, they might put the youngest child with the youngest couple. But not always! And that is because another feature might have jumped out to why a match needed to be made.2) Baby files are on one side, color coded by province and orphanage, and parents' files are also color coded by agency. Of course they try to keep agency groups together if possible, so if it is a huge group of families, they will pull an orphanage who sends more children. That is why every so often you will see an agency with 12 referrals from Hunan and one lone referral from Guangdong. They tried to keep them all together, but there weren't enough babies from that orphanage that month.3) Why are some kids not adopted? There is an unwritten quota system in place where only 10,000 children can be adopted internationally each year, and that number is for all countries who do adoptions with China. Each year an orphanage is told how many children to send forward. My own daughter's orphanage was only allowed 9 adoptions a year, but just got the news in February that they can send 36 children this year! How do they pick which ones? How would any of us? Can you imagine making that decision? Most orphanages send the children they think will adapt the best, although we have seen an increasing number of children being referred who have health issues, which leads me to believe that a lot of orphanage directors, now knowing the incredible love and care that these kids receive overseas, are sending children's files on kids they truly care about and want in a home. "

The question of money

O'k, I put it there. It is what everyone thinks about. The question that is on the tip of everyone's tongue. Yes, it costs alot of money to adopt a baby. So what! It's a dream come true and is there a price you put on that?

This weekend we got the official agency contract and first "invoice". That covers the cost of the paperwork, the dossier service, yada yada. It is what it is. But, please, understand, I am not "buying a baby". I don't look at it that way. We need the adoption agencies to be able to do this. There is no lawyers involved, they help us faciliate the whole process. Funds also go to the orphananges and such.

On Friday, a business collegue and I were talking on the phone. It' s not even someone I am that close to. She said to me "how much does it cost anyway". I was really taken back. This is not a question you ask someone. It's a very private matter, and as an adoptive parent I find it a bit offense to be asked that question. It makes the whole experience seem to much like a business arrangment. This is about love ...nothing more.

I answered her exactly like that. I said," it costs, what it costs. But can you put a price on the greatest love in your life? "

Just another day

The wait continues. I was feeling very anxious today. I am a member of a bunch of online communities made up of woman who are adopting babies from China. It's great support. But there are always the emails that make me nuts. The ones that say that the referrals are now at 18 months! I actually emailed my adoption agency today and the director told me that they are just rumors, and we can't start worrying about that now. One step at a time. I suppose. But the longer it goes on the harder it will be to wait.

It's a week and a half since our fingerprinting. Nothing yet....

Will write more tomorrow...a bit tired tonite. Thank you to those who are stopping by and reading.

Tummy aches and labor pains

When a woman is pregnant her belly grows, her breasts swell, her hormones surge, she craves tunafish at midnight. Although this sounds like me during my menstrual cyle, I will never experience any physical changes as I become a mother. No one will be asking me "how do u feel" or offer me a seat on a crowded bus. Evening phone calls won't be filled with concern about "how are you and the baby doing?" This gestation period is longer then most and is chock filled with just empty time -- waiting. It's hard to explain. It's hard to expect anyone to understand that I am as pregnant as the next expectant mother.That I have the same fears and hopes. The same concerns and excitement. Thank godness there are tons of online support communities as well as in person groups. There are alot of women who are going thru the same emotions as I am. Right now it's just a waiting game. All the "work" is done. I am officially "inseminated" but now instead of a belly filling up with a beautiful baby I wait for a piece of paper from the US government which will give us the green light to bring our baby back in the country then for the Chinese government to assign me my baby. This will take longer then nine months. I won't have labor pains in the true sense of the word, but my tummy is filled with aches and pangs of love for my baby just like the true mother that I will be.

Working Girl

Right out of college all I wanted to do was work. I wanted a career. To be a "career woman" and be successful in a job. I saw it very clearly back then. I knew I loved marketing, radio, promotion, sales, advertising and broadcasting. I launched my career and got the chance to meet and work with so many wonderful people. I had some great experiences and along the way, did some incredible things. I have been very blessed in this regard. I was never some major executive or CEO, but I've been successful in the world in which I exsist. I wasn't ready to be married or have children until my late 30's. I can't explain it. Some women know they want that right away...I mean the marriage and the family. I longed for adventure, fun and excitement. Of course for those who know me well they know that I also wasted a lot of time getting down and discouraged. Something happened to me later in life when I realized that whatever I was going through I was going through for a clear reason. It was o'k if my schedule was, well my schedule. This weekend, someone close to me, stated that they felt it was really "terrible" that I'd be a working mom. I actually was very offended. I felt that this person felt that I was going to be less of a mother then say someone else who can stay home with their children. It is funny, most of my friends are working mom. Most of the kids I know come from families where both parents work. Not only is it a necesssity these days, but it's absolutely the norm. I am not working because of some selfish reason. Both my husband and I work to take care of our families and our responsiblities. It's a fact of life these days. I will be the most devoted and determined mother. I will make sure that my child has a roof over her home, wonderful hot meals in her tummy, and an education. She will learn from me that a women can be both a professional accomplished business person as well as a devoted and caring mother. I will make sure that my daughter is taken care of when I am working. Look, I know I'm going to miss out on a lot. But I also know that when we are together, the time will be about us. She will experience the best world that I can offer her and grow up believing that although sacrafices have to be made. She too, can have what ever she wants to have.

A Chinese Orphange

Found this photo online...this is a photo of a Chinese Orphange. I suppose this is a typical one.

Why China?

I get asked that question all the time. First I felt offended. I mean it's almost like asking someone, why are you pregnant? But, if you asked, I do understand why you might ask that question.

Let me answer. Because that is where my daughter is. I can't say it better then that. I feel in my heart that this is where she is. There was never really any doubt for me. I just have a clear picture of her and a feeling in my heart that is so deep thatI don't even question it anymore.

Now, one can argue that China's adoption program, being very legitimate, professionally run and experienced is another draw. Or that there is a very high likelihood that this child will be well taken care of in the orphanages. Or that China being open to older parents adopoting their babies is another drawing factor Or the fact that this will be a closed adoption, there is no chance that the biological mommy will ask for the baby back. Yes, of course these are reasons that I took into consideration. But that was simply, for me, the icing on the cake so to speak. My child is there. And it is from there that we will seek her.

Yes, we did ask for a little girl. As you may know, China's one child policy has created the high volume of little girls being abandoned. The mothers and fathers that are given away these children are in fact doing it out of love. They had no choice. Our babies need to know that. Think of the love that a parent must have for their child to know that they will be better off with another family, almost definetly in another country. How much pain do they feel? And in this pain, these parents are truly angels because they are given another mother and father the true joy of becoming a family.

There was no other way for me to become a mommy. It blows me away thinking about how another's sacrafice is the reason that I am able to become a mother. Whoever Lia's birth parents are .... I will always hold them in my heart. I can never thank god enough for them and I wish them only peace.

Sushi and the girls

I stopped for Sushi tonite at a restaurant that I rarely go into right near my office. As I was eating my tekka maki, I heard the cutest little voice just chatting away. I looked over to my right, a few tables over and noticed two of the sweetest little Chinese girls, with their beautiful caucusian mommy....I thought for a second, is it rude for me to say anything? Would I embarrass the girls? Would the mom be angry? I decided to causually walk over and just say, "your daughters are beautiful!, I'm in the process of adopting a daughter myself." The mommy gave me a big big smile and said "from where?" I smiled "China!"...she was so happy for me!

The girls were awesome, 4 1/2 and 8. Not only delicious on the outside, but well adjusted, outgoing personalities. The older daughter was hugging me, like she knew that was exactly what I needed. I hope to see them again. We exchanged email

addresses.

I'm a bit tired tonite. All I'm thinking about is Lia Rose "C"...I love the way that sounds when u say it quickly...Lia Rosey!

More tomorrow....xoxo

The Red Thread

"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but will never break." --An ancient Chinese belief

I love this quote. It actually gives me goosebumps when I read it. In so many ways, I truly believe in that red thread. For those who don't know it, I met my husband when he was on the otherside of the world. Yes, that red thread brought us together. It made so much sense to me that my baby would be brought to me this way as well. "Regardless of time"....who would think a wife at the age of 41 and mother at the age of 45....."Regardless of Place" I am here in the USA-Joe was in Australia, Lia is in China....."Regardless of Circumstance"....life isn't perfect, but it's perfect all together. It's simply amazing, it truly is. And when I begin to doubt, I think of this red thread....in fact I wrap the idea tightly around my heart....and I move on.

Today was a big day for us. The final piece of the paperchase....the last leg of the "first trimester"...immigration was a easy. Thankfully, we got in there early and out in five minutes.
Don't tell Joe (honey if u read it here that is o'k) but I told the fingerprinter that I felt like crying. He asked me why? I told him that this paperwork he was helping me process was the final piece of paperwork we needed to send our file to China. He smiled as he took my hand and placed on the fingerprinting machine....and stupid me had tears running down my face.

Now, my wonderful husband came home from work at 3:30a...he works in events and the hours are nutty....never even went to sleep. We left the house at 6:30 am and waiting outside the place for an hour...we were number 7 and 8 in line!

The next thing I did was go to the local precinct to get my Police Certificate of Good Conduct.
I have been unable to get there until today (I took the whole day off!)...anyway, of course I walked out with ...but of course in my neurotic way I got scared they had something on me!
Of course, all was fine.

So now, we wait for the I171 to come back from immigration, the "orphan visa"...and that is sent with our Dossier to China..then we wait....and pray and hope it goes quickly and hope Lia is o'k.

More tomorrow...but I have got to also figure out how to add a background and photos to this thing....it's sort of a boring looking blog...my girl deserves better!


Below are abbreivations used in this Chinese Adoption world that I am in.....: More on them later...

ACR: Age of child requested
AYAP: As young as possible
BDIS: Bureau of Citizens and Immigration Services
CCAA: China Center for Adoption Affairs
DH: Dear husband
DOR: Date of Referral
DOT: Date of Travel
DTC: Dossier to China
DW: Dear wife
LID: Logged in Date
NSN: No special needs
RQ: Rumor Queen
SN: Special needs child
SW: Social Worker
SWI: Social Welfare Institute
TA: Travel Approval

8/9/05 Fingerprints in Newark for the I171....took five minutes. But get there early!
We are really in process....more later...

One last step

Tomorrow we get our fingerprints four our I171, basically, this is a Orphan Visa that will allow us to bring little Lia Rose into the country. Lia should know, that her very own daddy needed quite a few visas to get into this country as well...but that is a whole other story. I do have to say, that I have become a pro of sorts when it comes to collection of documents. I think Joe's immigration process really prepared me for this. Tomorrow I also will head over to the Secaucus Police Station to get a criminal check. No worry on that, unless there is someone impersonating me causing trouble in this little town.

Lia's grandmom and grandad are wonderful people. They are by far the best grandparents in the world. Plus, Lia's Aunt Lori will be a big influence in Lia's life...as well as her three nieces, Hayley, Sydney and Addison and her Uncle Gregg! Addie, especially, can't stop talking about Lia and asks about her constantly. Between her wonderful step brother and sister, three nieces and I just know alot of friends, I promise that Lia's life will never be lonely!

It's a big full moon tonite...Lia are u born yet? Are you seeing the same moon that your daddy and I are? We love you sweetie and can't wait to bring you home!

I'll write more tomorrow...we will be DTC soon!!!

Sunday thoughts

It's Sunday August 6th. It's been so hot around here that the leaves on the trees are falling off! If I were just to guess the date from looking out the window, I'd guess late September. It's been a crazy summer weather-wise. Yes, I do believe in what they are telling us about Global warming...I'd recommend if you haven't to see Al Gore's piece, "An Inconvient Truth". Not to get political here but when you are adopting a child from the other side of the world you really begin to take note about how the world's activities will effect your child and your adoption. Sometimes I get scared the entire world hates us and China will say, no more adoptions. Or that a World War will break out and my baby will be out of my reach. I don't like thinking about this, but I must confess, the thoughts do cross my mind.

I have two step children, Adam and Annie. They live off in Australia. I miss them very much. They will be with us through the holidays and Annie will be spending another six whole weeks here following Christmas. (In Aussie it's summer in December) We haven't shared the big news about Lia yet because it's not fair to break this huge news over the telephone or in an email. I can not wait to tell them. Then it will seem really "real" to me! I hope they will be excited for us all. Lia will be thier little sister too. Australia is in our future, and Lia will be a big part of their life as well from here on out. I think Annie will be especially excited. In fact, I would love to bring her to China with me when we go to pick up Lia. I think she would not only be a great support, but really appreciate the experience as well. She is a beautiful child, or shall I say young woman, she is13 years old and is not only gorgeous on the outside, but has a heart of gold on the inside. I can't wait to make her a big sister!

Is this what happens to pregnant moms?

I can't stop crying! I am sitting here on line reading blog after blog from adoptive parents. Watching video, reading websites, looking at all of those beautiful little baby girls. The thought of my baby just brings tears to my eyes. I can't see her, or hold her, or help her. I imagine her smell. The softness of her skin. Her sweet cheeks, those delicious arms and legs. It's just an overwhelming feeling. It's August 5, 2006. Is Lia being conceived? Is Lia's birth-mommy with her right now? Is Lia sleeping in a crib somewhere? Is she being fed? Is she being loved.

I just have to pray and know that there is a whole community of women who are going thru the same feelings and emotions as I am. My pregnancy may not consist of morning sickness and cravings. This pregnancy is filled with over-flowing feelings and emotions. Lots of prayers, lots of faith and a feeling in my heart that my daughter is o'k.

I met another mommy

Tonite I met a wonderful women named Marcia. We have a mutual friend named Karen who introduced us. Marcia adopted a beautiful girl named Catarina over four years ago from China.
We have been emailing for the past few weeks and she has been sending me photos. She has been so wonderful to me. Basically, she keeps saying to me...

"Wendi, this is going to happen...you are going to be mommy! Celebrate it. "

She told me stories about her daughter, who is just a sassy and spicy two year old.
She even walks around saying "OY VEY!"

My hubby Joey and I laugh when we think of all the funny things Lia Rose is going hear
"Oy vey".."gut ta nu...! ' Probably a few "Aussie Aussie Aussies!"
She is going to hear all of these funny Jewish expressions missed with her daddy's funny English Australian accent! Oh Lia...you poor child..a Chinese, Jewish, American, Australian princess who lives in New Jersey! I hope you won't be too confused. (smile!) I just want you to know that you are loved and taken care of. I wish you to have a happy and fulfilling life! With a life filled with adventure

On Wednesday, we go to Immigration for our finger prints...then I go get my police certificate. Lia, this is the end of the process. I am hoping in about six weeks from now our file will be will be DTC (Dossier to China).....then the wait....but we are almost there !!!!

I am going to be a mommy!

Yes, it's true. My dream of motherhood is soon to be made reality. Right now it's in the hands of immigration, but I'm praying that this part will go quickly and our daugther will be with us soon.

Lia Rose, that is what we have chosen to name you our beautiful daughter. You have no idea how blessed I feel to know that I'm going to be your mommy. I am in love with you already, and I don't even know you. I pray to god that I give you the life that you deserve. Your daddy and I both found each other in the most remarkable way....it only makes sense that we will find you in this most remarkable way. Over the next few months I will journal all of the ups and the downs in the this long process...I want you to one day be able to read this and see how your life unfolded before you joined us. Physically, you are not with me...but in my heart Lia...you have always been there. I love you my sweet beautiful daughter. I can't wait to meet you!