Awfulness

I should have know when my Chinese paperwork went through so easily for my original submission to China that this Taiwan process would turn into a headache. Unreal..it's too hard to explain and I'm exhausted...but in the past two and half hours I optimistically was dropped off in front of the Taiwanese Embassy on 42nd...said to my husband..I'll be right out..ended up in the most stressful two hours of my life trying to explain to officials why I needed my document authenticated and why it was o'k because I was just there...put my facilitator on the phone with them who basically guilt-ed them into doing me a favor..cried in front of them...ran outside like a maniac to get $100 to pay them...saw that my husband got a parking ticket for $115.00...am sweating shaking and hopeful that on Monday I can pick these papers up and we can finally send back to Taiwan. It's just awful that Lia's life is now on hold because of paperwork. I know it's the law and the system...but it's just too much. I pushed, I cried, I aggressively but nicely made it work..but it shouldn't' be this hard....

Words to live by

I am strong, I have patience, I am strong, I have patienceI am strong, I have patience, I am strong, I have patience
I am strong, I have patience, I am strong, I have patienceI am strong, I have patience, I am strong, I have patience
I am strong, I have patience, I am strong, I have patience
I am strong, I have patience, I am strong, I have patience
I am strong, I have patience, I am strong, I have patience

We started this adoption journey exactly three years ago.
It's time.

Dear Lia,

I truly hope one day you will get the chance to read this blog and this entry.

I started this blog almost three years ago as way to both document our journey to you and connect with others who were going through this process. I met so many friends and spent lots of hours reading and following the stories of others.
Right before we got your referral I decided to make my blog private. I had started a new job which was going to give me more exposure on line and I felt like this was just a bit to close for comfort. I felt uncomfortable that those outside of the adoption community and my friends might just stumble on my very very personal words.
Then, once we got your photo and we knew right away that you were Lia-Rose , it was even more important to me that this blog remain private. This is your story and one day you can decide if you want this to be public or not. I have a few folks who read me often and I know are checking in. They love us and love you Lia-Rose and are all here because they support us so. One day when you know your full story and we put all the pieces together you can decide who you want to share this with. I just want you to know how much I respect your privacy and your story.

But right now, at this very moment , know that I love you. That we are BLESSED to have you as our daughter. Lia Tsz-Huei Rose, you move me to be great. To be the best person I can be. You are my favorite person in the whole world. Yes, that's true. You are my love. I'm your biggest fan and supporter and this Mama can't wait to really get to know you...I know we will have our fights and arguments as you grow up...but that's o'k. I fought with my mommmy and I know that my mommy is my best friend. She will be there no matter what. And guess what...so will your mommy. I'll always be there kiddo.

So on this date, January 27, 2009, we are hopefully just a few weeks/months away from bringing you here ...remember this...you were loved before we met you, you were born in our hearts, you are our Lia-Rose. You are everything..and we love you, forever and ever and ever.

Love you always,

Your Mama

More paperwork

It's just funny now..I need another set of papers authenticated...which means..nothing gets sent until...it should be done by end of week...and this point I know exactly what to do..and I will just do it....

LOL

Shin Neon Kau Li

Happy Chinese New Year. My baby is away with her foster family visting their family on the Eastern Side of the Taiwan. I hope she feels happy and has fun and enjoys the customs of her country. We will try to continue many of these traditions when she comes home.

I am trying to stay positive. Yesterday had a long talk with my faciliator and she told me about a few hiccups along the way. She said, all will be fine, but that there might be a small delay. I rather not post why, or even talk about it. I just pray because my daughter needs to be in a stable situtation....and begin her forever life sooner rather then later. This little girl is alone in this world. Yes, she has her foster family and god bless them...but her mommy and daddy aren't with her, and needs us as much as we need her.

I get so angry at times. I haven't been myself....I'm elated and overjoyed to know my daughter....but everyday I feel like it's something else. One day your are on the top of the world...feeling positive and seeing and end in sight. The next day your bubble is just popped and you fall asleep early to avoid thinking about it, yet find yourself dreaming about unexplainable things.

Three years ago we started on this adoption journey. Three years ago. My daughter is 3 and 1/2 almost. It's just time to bring this child home...it took us awhile to find you Lia Tsz-Huei....the Universe guided us to you....it's just time to bring you home.

So this Chinese New Year while everything is closed down in Taiwan...I hope all those involved with our case get good rest and good health. There's alot to do when the holiday is over. Lots of work to do.

New paperwork

Ran around
Got up early
First in line
Nice people helping
A few tears
Paperwork done....!!!
Yep, will be mailed back to Taiwan just in time for Judge when she gets back from holiday break for Chinese New Year!

DONE!

More paperwork

The judge now has asked us for more notarization on some paperwork we have already submitted. God bless my faciliator, but we told her this from the beginning. Now I'll be scrambling to get this done befor Chinese New Year. Oh well.

I saw my baby last night. She is so beautiful. She ran out of the room to bring in the doggie we bought her...of course a stuffed toy. She loves it...it's a little Molly...her "go go " here. I'll run around the world for her...running in and out of the city to notararies is the least I can do. Thanks Susan for your help! And Chris too!!!

Anyway..on MLK Day today this phrase really pops "I have a dream that my children will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." Amen. May Lia Tsz-Huei Rose always have the same opportunities as everyone else....

A letter to the Judge

During the hearing the Judge questioned our originally Homestudy that stated we were intereted in adopting a child up to 18 months of age. Remember, this was three years ago. I was three years younger. And how funny, that child would now be five years old..but regardless...we updated our Homestudy and it was indicated that we wanted to adopt a child up to 4 years of age. Guess what, the courts never saw that addendum so questioned whether or not we would be disappointed with Lia because she was three. Can you imagine!!!! I am pissed off because it was a careless error from someone ...not sure who..but whatever...anyway, it should be an easy fiz( poo poo-that's Jewish for no jinxes)...but I wrote this letter that I want the judge to read. Regardless, of whether or not she does...it did feel good to write it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To whom it may concern,

First and foremost my husband Joe and I thank you for taking time to consider our petition to adopt Tsz-Huei , who will hope to officially name Lia Tsz-Huei Rose.
We know that your job is a very serious one, especially in the case of adoption. We have been informed that you had questions as to why in our original Homestudy completed in 2006 we stated we wanted a younger child, yet now want an older child. I thought perhaps the best answers would come from me.

We started our adoption journey three years ago this month. We requested a younger child in our original homestudy because that was the average age of the babies in the program we had put our original application in. Additionally, many of our friends had children that age, and we thought it would be fun for them to grow up together. The months went by and we waited for our child. We both realized that age or sex or nationality meant no difference to us. We wanted to parent. To create our family.

And then, we saw her. This beautiful little girl. I fell to the floor in tears when I saw her face the first time. I just knew she was my daughter. I felt an immediate connection. Meeting her and spending a week with her in November and the bond we are creating through bi-weekly web-chats only intensives our love for this little girl.

We couldn't be more happy. Yes, it does sadden us to have missed out on the first few years of her life. We wish we could have been with her every second of her life. But, our life together starts at this point in all of our lives. Tsz-Huei is everything we could imagine our child to be. Her personality matches ours in so many ways. She is funny, bright, beautiful inside and out.She fits so well in our families!
Dear Judge, Tsz-Huei is our dream come true. Please know that this is not about just adopting a child for us. This is about making Tsz-Huei our daughter.

There was an addendum to our home study completed in October 2008 which indicates our request for a child up to four years of age from Taiwan, along with our social workers indicating their approval of this in our homestudy. We hope that this official documentation along with my explanation will help answer your concerns. Please know, we are grateful to you and your country for everything you have done for us as well as for Tsz-Huei.

And finally, although some women have their babies biologically and their child grows inside of them, Tsz-Huei was conceived from love and our love for her grows deeply inside of both of our hearts and souls.

Thank you very much.

Best regards,

Wendi and Joe Carroll

Not so fast

So, it's not happening this time. Note, Taiwan is generally a two hearing place. The judge goes through the paperwork, and if there are questions they are raised during the first hearing. So there were questions...and fortunetly, they aren't really "about " us...they were a few administrative things that the Judge didn't like how they were handled. I have to let my frustration go. Can't be angry. The judge is doing HER job. Which is good that she is a she, I was concerned that she would rule against us because I was a working mother...anyway...as my facilator said...in the scheme of things "this is not that big of a deal" and will be handled easily. It still hurts.

I just turned on the computer today after signing off this morning....which would have been 10:30pm on Friday night (after the hearing)...Lia's nanny sent me a note...it simply said "Lia loves Mommy." It was exactly what I needed to hear.

Tick tock

New word yet. Been up pretty much all night long. I am by myself and this is not easy. I wish I was next to Joe right now. I go from periods of total confidence to moments of such dispair. I need to remain calm....but this is hard. I just to this little inspirational email ....very appropriate.

What you want, Wendi, has no bearing on whether or not you'll get it. None. Nada. Zippo.

It's only ever a question of whether or not you can behave as if you already have it.

I got you, babe -
The Universe

Thank you

It's happening now...or very soon. Not sure I can sleep....thank you for you love and support. The rest is in god's hands.

Message I sent to Taiwan

Tomorrow is the day. Right now my Power of Attorney (Ms. K) is probably getting ready for bed and thinking about tomorrow. I just sent her htis message through my D my facilitator....

"We wish you the best of luck in court tomorrow. Let the judge know that we love Lia Tsz-Huei Rose as much as if she shared our blood. Lia Tsz-Huei Rose was born from our hearts. We are planning to give her a safe, peaceful, happy, adventure filled life. Our wish for her would be to grow up and be happy and to accomplish as many dreams that dare dream. We can't wait to bring her home. She is in every thought and in every breath we take. We love her and feel honored to have this opportunity to call this beautiful child our own. THank you Ms. K for allowing us this chance. You are amazing and we would never ever be able to thank you enough. "

Wendi and Joe


Please think good thoughts for us and for all of those waiting to bring their

Just checking in

I am in Boston this week on a business trip. All week. Not sure if it's good timing or bad. I suppose it's good. I am so busy during the day that I can't worry...all day. I also can't stare at Lia's pictures or watch her videos. But, I need to continue to stay busy and postive and feel like her mama....I AM HER MOMMY.
Just a few more days till court hearing....then...we aren't sure...but a huge huge huge huge huge moment!

Today also is the 7th anniversary of when Joe and I met....wow. Love you Giggle!

A nice surprise

We are so lucky that Lia is in a wonderful Foster Family. They treat her as if she was their own. She is having lots of great adventures. Last week they went on a little family trip (they are doing so for Chinese New Year as well) I opened my email today and found some photos from the trip. Here are a few!

The fruit basket in one of the pictures is a gift we sent the Nanny for the Holidays.
It's cute, she is wearing a sweater we got for a gift from our friends Paul and Denise under her coat. They really wrap them up there!

To my jewish friends

Only because I think you will understand this neurosis more...:)
I read other blogs of folks who have referrals of their Tawinese children around the same time as us..they are just waiting on courtdates...all of them are shopping and decorating and getting ready. Me..I start then stop. I am tooo paranoid. That old "ken-a-hera" ....am I crazy. I decided that once next weeks' hearing is completed we will know where we are with everything...either we go to a second hearing(which I suspect) or we get judge's green light...and it will be just a few weeks more...I have bed picked out...we are finalizing colors...and well, as far as clothes go...once we get final green light..I know that I can hit a Gap for Kids and other places and get loaded up on clothes ....I think toys will be the same thing...I had bought her a ton of stuff tht is in Taiwan with her and I send her toys everyother week......so I think she is o'k....but am I crazy. I wish I felt more secure...but again, it's the old jewish thing...don't do anything till baby is born. Any thoughts????

Real honesty here

I am scared, petrified, feel weak in my knees, am questioning practically everything in life, making excuses, finding it hard to sleep, arguing with my husband, looking at my life and thinking that it is not good enough ....bottom line....next week is the court date and these weird feelings are manifesting...I'm just plain old nervous that something will go wrong...my gut says she is my daughter...my heart says it loud and clear....but why should I be so lucky to become her mother. Why me...? Isn't there someone better? A better mother? A better father? Why is this the right life for her? I hate these feelings. I admit it. I'm weak..I'm scared. A few days a go some good friends got some bad news. They didn't deserve that. Do we deserve this. I know I'm nuts. I know I sound crazy. It's just that...well it's just that...I so deeply love Lia Tsz-Huei Rose. I love being her mommy. And it doesn't feel real. I am so scared something will go wrong. I am such a believer in the power of attraction in our lives....yet this negativity is seeping through. I just want this week to fly by. But, then I don't ....I'm so anxious. On Sunday I leave for a business trip...I won't even be with Joe when we get the news....awful. STOP being so negative. Stop it Wendi now. This self talk isn't working. I look at her picture and cry. I want my daughter. I want my Lia-Rose. I love you baby...I am your mommy.

Lia Tsz-Huei Rose Carroll

Well that's it. We filled out the Naming Agreement today....to be prepared when all is final....her name now is and will be Lia Tsz-Huei Rose Carroll. It's long, but beautiful. I think eventually that Tsz-Huei will drop off and she will be forever known as Lia-Rose...I just think it all goes together...and it feels right. So now, again, more notarizing and authenticating...and another trip to the Taiwanese Embassy in NYC...but hopefully this will be the last time.

We saw her last night after getting this sweet note from her foster family on MSN messenger:

老爹 sent 1/4/2009 10:04 AM:
Dear Lea,s dad and mon We got your presents for twice,thank you From January first to January fourth,2009,we will hava four days holiday in Taiwan We will take Lia shan shan for vacation,so we won,t be at home at that time We deeply appreciate your love for Lia ,and we are glad to be helpers between you and Lid
老爹 sent 1/4/2009 10:17 AM:
We hope Lia will be used to living in a new family soon when she goes back to America. thanks again for letting Lia have a sweet theme,and we hope Lia will be together with you very soon. Sincerely yours

Lia-Rose was beautiful. She said...."A-hee (I love you) Papa"

Happy new Year Lia Tsz-Huei Rose

We love you Miss Lia. We love you so much. In just 14 days a judge in Taiwan will look at our case. We aren't sure if he will greenlight it right away or more then likely ask more questions. We can't wait for these next few weeks to fly by. You have no idea what is in store for you. I know Nanny and Father tell you that you are coming to America with your Mommy and Papa, but you have no idea what that really means. Actually, neither do I. I think the the three of us will figure it all when you get here. We are a family, and it will be just the way it is supposed to be. I am so nervous. SO nervous that I won't be the mommy you deserve. But, I promise to devote all of me to you. I love you so much Lia Tsz-Huei. You are my everything!

Happy New Year my daughter to be. Legally, that is. You are my daughter in my heart and soul. I know I'm your mommy.