what to do

Trust me. This blog post is about to suck. If you are a waiting parent, you may want to sign off right now. If you are about to meet or have your baby, please do not let me spoil your mood. If you are related to me or a close friend, right now you are asked to please not say the word patience or I understand. I am sorry, you don't. I may sound all bitchy and pissed off. I am. This is going to be me very angry and completely sick of this situation. And I do not know what to do. It is that time of the month. Referral rumors. And they are not looking to good. Months ago, when we were two months into the four months it took to get through November 05, the big word out there was that December would mean a bit of a speed up. They were going to be able to get through more dossiers, faster. Then by 2008, they would do half months at a time. Bull-shit. Rumor has it that they will may be process another week. This is friggin' crazy. I mean come on! There is so unfair. Thousands of us are waiting. I know I know, there are the babies too waiting...that is another thing. But right now I am just over the top. At this rate it will take another three years to get my child. I truly am at.a loss for words. I swear I am getting older as is Joe. I want to be around as long as possible for this child. I want my parents to be here. I do not know what to do. All I want is to build a family. I have the right to mother. I have the desire. I want my child. I do not blame anyone for this. I am just begging for some sort of direction. I am pleading to the universe for some sort of sign that this will work out. I am tired. Tired of smiliing and being patient. Dear god, give me the strength to figure this out. We need something positive to keep us going. Plese, a sign, some direction. I love you all. Please do not comment and say this is going to work out or be patient. Right now there our hundreds of us that need to hear more. Tell me what to do.

A wonderful day

Mazel tov to you my dear Stephanie! I am so happy and thrilled for you.

You are a mommy!!!

 

How great is that???

13

....and rumor had it that Britney Spears is adopting 6 year old Chinese twins! Come on now!
Happy Lucky 13 to Daniella and Audrey. This one snuck up on me!

Happy One year to you Stephanie.

Sad but joyous goodbyes

Written November 25, 2007

We said goodbye today to my Uncle Max. The Temple overflowed with mourners. He was so loved by all. There were glowing stories told and memories replayed by all. It was certainly a walk down memory lane and reconfirmed to me how blessed I am with such a large very extended family. So many are very accomplished and educated. Very dedicated to their faith and values.

I have cried so many tears today. I cried for the loss of Max. I cried for my past and I cried for the future. As we drive home now in bumper to bumper Thanksgiving traffic, I look over at my hubby, who had been driving for hours now. I am so lucky to have him in my life. He is my home. He is my family.

Someone hugged me after the burial and said "so many memories. So much history." I suppose that life is all about creating that history, those memories that future generations will share. Now I do that with Joe. For you Lia and our family. For Adam and Annie, for your cousins Hayley-Sydney and Addie.

And a personal apology to Alysa. I am sorry about the change in plans. Just some major family obligation and all that. Xo

I love this kid

My beautiful niece Sydney Juliana....aren't I a lucky Aunt.
She is special on the inside and outside. I am beyond proud of her.
Love you Sydney.

Thanksgiving 2007

 

Happy Thanksgiving to you my dear friends. Some who I have never met, but feel like I know so much about through the generous words you share. And others, who I know "in person" and I thank you for your undying love and support.

 

Having gratitude and counting your blessings is truly away to stay positive and to keep affirming that beautiful energy. What a better time to remember what you are thankful for then Thanksgiving. In no particular order, I would like to list some of what this gal is thankful for this year.

I am thankful for having a man like Max Goldberg in my life. I am blessed that for over 40 years I have called this man my "Uncle" and every single time I was with him, he brought only joy and love to my life. I am thankful that he didn't suffer in his final hours and that he had some of his children by his side when he passed. I love you my Uncle Max.

I am thankful that I have two incredible parents, Joyce and Aaron, who today are celebrating 48 years of marriage! I am grateful for everything you have done for me and the love and concern you continue to share. I am thankful for having a daddy who knows how to use a cell phone and a mommy who still likes to talk to me every day. I am beyond thankful that I still have my mommy and daddy.

I am thankful for a husband who is the hardest worker I know. Who has sacrificed things in his life to be able to make a family with me. A husband who loves his children Adam and Annie so much and has room in his heart to love our daughter Lia-Rose. I am thankful for two great stepchildren who are open and honest with our circumstances and I'm so thankful that Joe can be with them this holiday season. I am also very proud of my stepson who in a few weeks time will have finished his four year training program and at 21 years old will have his "papers" and be certified in his auto mechanics.

I am thankful for an incredible sister and brother-in-law who love us unconditionally. I am thankful for three beautiful nieces, who are really coming into their own. I am thankful for a Bat Mitzvah celebration to look forward to in a few short months. I love you Sydney, Hayley and Addie

I am thankful that this morning Joe and I worked out at the gym. A year ago, my husband was having his hip replaced, this morning, he was working out. I am so thankful he is out of pain and can start working out again.

I am thankful for great friends I have made through this process—and you know who you are!!!

I am thankful for having a career that is going to blossom very soon…..more to come!

I am thankful for the health that I have been blessed with…and more importantly, my families' health.

I am thankful for all the new families that were formed and are being formed this year…Ann Marie, Zach and the most famous Czar of all time, Alexander; my dear friend Alysa who is expecting in a few weeks a (the very boring get fat way (Smile)); "my friend Susan "who will be on her way to Russia in two weeks!!!!; and little Miss Stephanie who is getting the phone call to change her life any minute now! I am so thankful and excited for all of you!

I am thankful for my perfect doggie-Molly Carroll

I am thankful for the 27^th of each month when I can say, another month down in our wait for Lia-Rose.

And now, on a much lighter note----I continue…..

 

I am so thankful for seeing Kate in May after she had lost 15 pounds. Her new body, blew me away, and the fact that she was the same age as I am. If it wasn't for feeling so fat that day and seeing her at the same time…I wouldn't have lost all the weight I have (25 to 26 pounds)! Thank you Nutri-System.

I am thankful for the great new clothes "I just had to get!"

I am thankful for the elliptical machine at the gym positioned far from the air conditioner vent

I am thankful for 100 calorie Yoplait yogurt-Apple Turnover

I am thankful for the new Farmer's Market that opened in town-great fruit

I am thankful that in just a little over a year we will have a new President and the 'Weapons of Mass Destruction in Washington DC will head back to Texas. See ya!

I am thankful for Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte's return to the streets of NYC. I can't wait till May when the movie opens!

I am thankful for the sale at Kenneth Cole and my great new boots.

I am thankful for George Clooney and Patrick Dempsey and the guy from Law and Order, Chris Melioto or something like that, and the fact that men my age are still really handsome.

I am thankful we aren't sure if Tony Soprano died or not, that would have actually been really sad to think of him as dead

I am thankful for Simon Cowell and another year of American Idol to gab about with my sister.

I am thankful for Dunkin Donuts and Bagel Buffet Iced Decaf coffee

 

And, of course finally…..and I scream it out to the world…I am thankful for the strength I have found that helps me endure the challenges, the ups and downs of this roller coaster ride we call International Adoption.

Lia-Rose, I am thankful for the idea, the thought and the reality of you , my daughter!

 

Happy Thanksgiving to you all…let's go eat Turkey!

 

Rest in Peace

This morning I prayed deeply to g-d to let my Uncle Max go. Peacefully, calmly and knowing that he was beloved by all. He passed today at 9:30am. I will miss you forever. G-d bless you my dear Uncle Max.

just about blogging

It is the day before thanksgiving and you know what that means? Gridlock alert! It is 7:30 or so in the morning and the bus lane is already backed up! The joy of the daily commute. Luckily I can spend the time blogging, after all it is all about a good blog post. (Smile). No updates on my Uncle. He is now at a hospice. I feel terrible for my auntie and their kids. Perhaps this waiting is good for all of us in a sense. Does it help us accept what will be?

Anyway, not to much happening in our world. Although next week hopefully I can unveil what my "new world" will look like.

Joe and I needed a second car, and wanted basic and simple, not to mention cheap. We have a really nice Acura SUV so something to compliment. But half the price. So this year instead of getting our Lia we got our Kia! We picked up a little Kia Optima sedan. Although I feel as if I am in a rental car, it is very nice. At the dealership I realized this was the car when at the final moment of decision a two white women and their Chinese daughters walked in! I know, I am totally over-reaching. But the car salesman was happy that that helped my decision.

By the way, any typos, sorry, on my blackberry. So gotta go for now...the bus actually just made it to the tunnel! Happy day...

A moment to smile

Let's smile today....and go to Susan's blog...this is funny! Too funny.

Corner of the Sky

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers for my dear Uncle. He has been moved to a Hospice and we still wait. We wait for a peaceful passing. He is resting comfortably.

I've been thinking tons this weekend of my life. Feeling older and wiser, in some ways but yet the same girl who used to not want to sleep without her sister snuggled beside her. How did life go so fast? How did I wake up and suddenly become a middle-aged woman. (Yes, expecting a baby) but, I am supposedly middle-aged. I don't feel it at all. My parents and their siblings are aging. I'm losing relatives I love. In a few months my step-son (and although I haven't been in his life for long) will turn 21. My step-daughter Annie and niece Hayley are 14. Syd and Hayley will be having their Bat Mitzvah this spring. And Addie, she will be seven years old. It goes just like that.

 

One day we are dancing at your own Bat Mitzvah, opening gifts at your Sweet Sixteen, your Grandmom Rose dies, followed by the others, then you are graduating College, starting your first job and moving out on your own. Before you know it, you are driving up the NJ Turnpike and moving to NYC. You become the happiest girl on earth when your nieces are born. Then poof, your turning forty and meeting the man of your dreams. Its life, it moves quickly and we keep growing and looking for what will make us happy and peaceful.

In Sixth Grade we sang "Corner of the Sky" from Pippen as our graduating song. It always makes me cry. I thought of this song tonight for so many reasons. I thought I've myself, once singing this song and dreaming of big future. I thought of my baby…who truly is my reason. And most importantly, my Uncle, on his way to finding his corner of the sky…

 

I share with you the words. I wish I could download it here.

Corner of the Sky:

Everything has its season
Everything has its time
Show me a reason and I'll soon show you a rhyme
Cats fit on the windowsill
Children fit in the snow
Why do I feel I don't fit in anywhere I go?

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

Every man has his daydreams
Every man has his goal
People like the way dreams have
Of sticking to the soul
Thunderclouds have their lightning
Nightingales have their song
And don't you see I want my life to be
Something more than long....

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

So many men seem destined
To settle for something small
But I won't rest until I know I'll have it all
So don't ask where I'm going
Just listen when I'm gone
And far away you'll hear me singing
Softly to the dawn:

Rivers belong where they can ramble
Eagles belong where they can fly
I've got to be where my spirit can run free
Got to find my corner of the sky

the cycle of our lives

I am so sad. I mean walkin around and trying not to cry sad. My uncle, my dear, sweet wonderfully special Max is on his deathbed. We await the call and are just about on our way there. He is passing, passing on to a place where he can rest. Where his soul will shine on forever. Oh Lia-Rose. I am thinking so much about you now. Trying to stay focused on our future but so very sad that Max will never see me as a mother and you will never meet him. His leaving us is hitting me hard. A smart older friend of my says she keeps her emotions in check because it is what happens in life. I can not accept that at face value. I understand that people age and then die, but that natural cycle still makes me sad. It makes angry. I do not want to lose anyone I love. Perhaps this adoption situation makes these life-cycle events have more significance. You want everyone to mmet your child, you see the months fly by and the so many that you love begin to age. You worry. You slowly move out of the middle generation into the older. You still are not a parent. Life is moving at lightening speed and you are just no closer. So I will mourn this loss. I will pray that in the next few hours he can peacefully pass on. He can rest an exhale. The beautiful news is that I know there will be one more angel in heaven soon. One more spirit for me to pray to. And I know he will join both Joe and my loved ones watching over my family here and in Australia and England. And of course, our baby in China. Be at peace Max.

I found this picture. This was on the morning of my wedding. It was a wet dreary day and Uncle Max and Aunt Reeva flew in from DC. They arrived early and as I was leaving the hotel...look who I saw...My Uncle Max. I was completely overwhelmed to see him. This photo caught that feeling that I had.




Aunt Reeva and Uncle Max at my wedding! Such a happy day!

Your prayers please

Tonite I ask all my friends in blogger land to say a prayer for someone who I love so much. My dear Uncle Max is very very ill. Uncle Max is actually my second cousin. I grew up knowing him as Uncle and at times I was closer to him then some of my "real" Uncles. He lives in DC with my Aunt Reeva. The two of them are truly two of my favorite people in the whole wide world. I have memories of being with them growing up. The Jewish holidays spent with the them in DC. Family events. And then finally as an adult, hanging with them and drinking Manhattans in Manhattan. They are so dear to me. I feel so close to them. I adore them both. They were thrilled when I married Joe. In fact they flew up here on the Shuttle to be with me. A memory I will never ever forget. When I told them about Lia-Rose, they were thrilled. They knew how much I wanted to be a mommy. Fast forward to today. Uncle is not doing well. He has a high fever, infections and pneumonia. He needs your prayers. When I saw him in July he was driving! We had dinner and he was telling me how much he loved his wife. He was running to the supermarket everyday. Doing errands. He was still trying to live his life. Uncle Max was a brilliant attorney in his day. He traveled the world and was active in his Temple.

He has a smile that lights up a room. A glimmer in his eye when he "kibbutzes" with you. Uncle Max, I love you. I want you to get better and live to see my daughter come home from China. I love you from the bottom of my heart. Please rest tonite and may tomorrow bring you health and strength. Please, say a prayer for my Uncle. For my dear Uncle Max.

6 Years Old and Five Broadway Shows

It's been a crazy few days of running around and spending time with my sister, kids and unfortunetly not much time with the husband. But a fun, if at times filled with 14 year old angst, was had by all. Not that any of this is really that interesting except to my sister and myself...I do document this as a journal for L-R. So bear with me.

Wednesday and Thursday I flew down to DC for some personal business. Very quick (sorry Alysa) and productive. Flew the shuttle back on Thursday afternoon and my 45 minute flight took four hours with flight delays and traffic. Note to self, take the Acela next time.

Friday Lori et al arrived. We had tickets to see Hairspray! Again, traffic marked the event. My five mile ride into the city took 90 minutes...at 3:30p! Anyway, found a cool restaurant in Zagets, "Spotlight" and arranged for a dinner reserveration at 5:30. "My friend Susan" (who by the way got her tenative court date!!!! Yea haw!!! (No "ken-a-hera's" yiddish for don't jinx it by talking much right now). We entered into a huge restaurant with stage, I mean a stage ...imagine a big dinner theater type feeling..better yet, a theater in a casino or cruise ship. Anyway, the stage had background singers, professional ones. And the audience (us) would get to go on an sing -karoke style-with them. Great concept. What they neglected to tell us was that Jason (or Justin) and Morgan, two very cute 8 and 10 year old Manhattan type children were having their birthday parties there! Omigod! Yikes. What I can tell you is that this age group loves High School Musical and Hairspray....I think we heard the same songs, over and over again! Lori, Hayley and myself got up for one =Seasons of Love -which actually felt like we were in RENT with our very ethnically diverse background singers. Lori got up for her famous rendition of Hit Me with Your Best Shot. Thanks for posting it Sus!

Anyway, after a very over-priced and noisy dinner we said good bye to Susan and we were off to Hairspray. It was amazing! I glanced over at Lori several times through out the show and she had a huge smile on her face. Sydney told me that Hairspray was her favorite. Hayley said that Legally BLonde and then Hairspray were her favs. And Addie...she loved it too! And then it hit me... this kid is six years old...and has seen five Broadway shows!!! That was our joke all weekend, and she would giggle each time I would say it...until she finally said, it's not funny anymore Aunt Wendi!

SO the show ends and we do what we do best, we stand outside the stage door and wait for the cast members. This has become a tradition for us. It was worth standing in the rain! We met them all! Lance Bass (Hayley was screaming!!!),




we met George Wednt from Cheers who played "Mama" (and we thought he was going to have heart attack on stage! OY! ), the gal who played Tracy-Marissa Perry=stopped and talked to Addie! It was so much fun.

Really great memories on Broadway for us. And yes, Addie gets so shy!

Yesterday it was hanging out (and putting up with some whining from a nameless child). Then onto see Bee Movie! Favorite line : "I met someone" "Is she a WASP?" "I hope she is Bee-ish"! Adorable. And we got Addie's outfit for the Bat Matvah. Can I say "Princess?". Beautiful!

TOday, I said goodbye to my favorites and actually went by myself to see Fred Claus. I loved it. But I am a geek.

Anyway, listening to the Hairspray soundtrack now. ....."Good Morning Baltimore"! Hope your weekend was great!

Sometimes life gets in the way of rainbows

I didn’t blog about this until now because everything is totally fine. But I did have a small little hiccup in my mammogram a few weeks ago. Panic set in when I go the call to go back and get more shots. Something didn’t look right. My doctors both called me and assured me they thought it would be fine. The scheduling nurse at the mammogram facitlity did as well. But, you still panic. You panic that your whole future can change in the blink of any eye. The idea of having a baby. Forget about that. The thoughts were just that. Thoughts. Today I went back and all was o’k. There was nothing there. Nothing.

But, I had to go back there for a reason.. And now I realize why I went there today at just the time a beautiful woman named Mary walked in.

We both sat in our robes awaiting the technician. I was so nervous. Mary was too. She sat talking on the phone.

Her phone rang and the sound of a little girl’s voice rang out as her ring-tone. I smiled and asked her who that was and she said, my daughter. She went on to say, my daughter is dead. We then both broke down and cried. And cried. And cried. I went over to her and hugged her. She asked me if I had a daughter. I told her I was adopting and it was far off. She smiled and said that was wonderful. She told me this was the first time she had really ventured out.

Her daughter Stella died just nine months ago at the age of 6 from Leukemia. She was an absolutely gorgeous child. Her family, father-mother, and three older brothers are devastated, of course. The family has used this raw horrible sadness and started a foundation “The Stella Linado Rainbow Foundation”. Stella loved rainbows her mommy told me. They are determined to help beat this disease through education and research. On November 29th they are doing a big concert in the city as a major fundraiser.



Check out the website: stellasrainbowfoundation.org. There are also more photos of her. Donate. Hug your children. Your pets. Your husband. We are blessed. I am grateful my pain is just the pain of this long wait. I am grateful that I can deal with this. I have my health. I have my family.

God bless Mary and her family. I am going to help her by trying to spread the word to some of my media friends. They are one special family. Sometimes life gets in the way of rainbows.

A wonderful story

Fantastic! Just watched and just stopped crying!
Watch this

Hit "Never too late" Episodes 1-3.
I loved this

dear child of mine

Dear child of mine,

I have dreamt about you my whole life long. I wonder how you feel, how you sound how you smell. I have visions of you. A smile, a laugh, even a cry. I wonder sometimes how to still believe. Will my dream come true or is this destined to not be? To believe is hard. It is trying. It is very painful. I have heard that we are given in life what we can handle. Am I capable of staying true to my dream? To not letting the fear divide me from my path? Is this a test of faith? A test of desire? Am I meant to mother? To raise a human being?

Dear child of mine, so far away yet closer then ever. Please give mr a break. Give us an indication that holding on is the right thing to do. Please, dear child of mine, come to be.


Post script-thank you Susan. It is ok to give in. Give up and just let it be. It is ok.....love is no less...it just is.

a ok

My procedure went well yesterday. Aside from some cramps (truly mild) and a bit of post-procedure woozy-ness, I am fine. My anesthigiologist (totally spelled wrong, I know) was a Chinese woman. She was so nice and I asked her to wake me up saying "Nee How". It was funny because I was yapping away to her about my adoption as my doctor, the very same one who tried to get me pregnant stood by. I just thought it so ironic. But all this is over. That is good.

The other night I was at a fanastic very NY charity dinner. Sat right next to me was a very beautiful young woman. She told me her age (young twenties) and then I gasped that I although I would have been very young, could have been her mom. Add to that she was Chinese and we laughed, because of course I told her my daughter is waiting for me in China, she called herself "my daughter in the future". I loved that. We were having an interesting discussion about what her Chinese culture meant to her and she said, family, food and who she is or isn't supposed to be with. I am paraphrasing, but in many ways I would answer the very same thing.about what being Jewish means to me.

I have to thank my friend Daniella for the very special surprise. I am going to try to find a picture of it to post, I am lame, I do not know how to download pics very well...it is a handmade gift just for Lia-Rose (a small blankie that a fellow blgger designs) it is fantastic and I know her daughter Mimi will be holding hers along with L-R in China! D it was reallyso sweet of you. I love the color choice! You got me!

Last nite I watched Private Practice, which I may like bettter then Grey's...there was a storyline about a woman with a serious disease who was trying not to have a baby because she was going to die. Addison, and not my niece but the character, said to her that everyone has the right in life to live the life they choose and have the children they desire. I agree with that sentiment. These days are not easy days for me. I fight everyday to believe, to hold faith, to stay positive. I have the right to be a mother. It is a need deep inside of me. I have my punching gloves on and I am going to fight through this wait.