I am a mommy! Legally.

Yep, the final ruling (first decree-I know it's confusing but that's how this is) is in!!!! We are done! Now just another 10days for the certificate to come down. I hadn't really been explained this until today....we should be leaving by the end of May! Lia is legally ours. Can I say that again. Lia is my daughter. Forever!!!!!

April 30th 2006 was my first visit with my social worker. When we started the process. Three years to the day...I AM A MOM!

April 30th

It is now April 30th in Taiwan. I write this next post to mark something very important in Lia's life. I won't go into details as those details are for Lia to share one day, but today Lia is meeting and saying farewell to her birthfather. These words give me chills as I write them down. I want you to know one day my wonderful daughter that your birth parents love you so much. They loved you so much that they knew that your forever family was where you needed to be. I wish you knew how important this day will be for your birth father and for you. You are loved by so many the whole world over. Cherish this time with him. Cherish it. And to Lia's birthfather, there are not enough words --thank you is simply all I can say.

Great news!

The decree should be issued this week we were told today. My facilitator said "It's your turn now!"
We will be heading to Taiwan in about two or three weeks after that!
Lia Tsz-Huei Rose is almost here.

Her Nanny told me that Lia completely identifies herself as our daughter. It's all truly amazing!

Keep us in your prayers....

SOON

That's the lastest note from my source in Taiwan. For what it's worth, I loved hearing it. My birthday is tomorrow. It was exactly the news I needed to hear to not be brokenhearted. I love you Lia. My last birthday without you with me.

I miss you Lia

The wait used to be about this idea of who my child was. The idea of being a mommy.
Now it is about missing my Lia Tsz-Huei. I cry often. I cry daily. I am sorry for being so weak. I am just missing my little innocent daughter. I am so tired of feeling that way. I know there is a lesson here. I belive there is that in every challenge in our life. I know it's about motherhood and about being strong. But, this is tough guys. Really tough. I miss you Lia Tsz-Huei Rose. I miss your little laugh, your squeal, your soft hair on my face. Your little hand in mine. We only spent a week together, it was a lifetime for me. I miss you baby. Mama will be there soon.

Hope and Love

That's how Pacey's mommy Jocelyn describes. The look on Lia's face now. She is right. Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock. This little hopeful love-bug needs us. Tick tock ...tick tock!

Optimistic

For someone who has felt beat up lately, I feel incredibly optimistic. I truly believe we will know some good news soon! And check this out. Tonight Lia was wearing the same dress she was wearing in her referral picture. This time with a much different look on her face.

Then




Now

The cutest kid in the world

I am so blessed to be able to see my baby a few times a week. It has really helped us build our relationship. I noticed when we were with her in Taiwan, when she is really happy she squeals! Like really loud. This morning Nanny rang me and said "do you want to talk to Lia? " Of course!!! So, Lia comes on the webcam and starts squealing...really really loud. And giggling and counting in English to 11 and singing Happy Birthday! Then she pulls Nanny's glasses off of her face and puts them on..and screams MOMMY!!! She was imitating me!!! The cutest thing ever!!! MOMMMY MOMMY!! I love you so much I can't stand it! Here's a screen shot.

Enough tears

I am sitting on the computer after taking a beautiful walk this morning. I cried. I cried for Lia. I cried that I can't be there for her. This is the most painful time I have ever gone through. I am trying to remain positive but when one has been in the process for over three years it almost gets hard to believe. I am so glad my blog is private. I am sick of myself being so negative and dont' want the world at large to have any access to these feelings. I'm so sorry I am so negative. I slept in Lia's bed last night. I was in my room and I swear to you I heard the word's "Mommy, come sleep with me please." Oh why do I have to pretend? All my life I have been the one to imagine what things would be like. I am tired of imagining. I just want to hold her. I miss that little one. Lia-Rose is a real person now. Not a figment of my imagination, but a real child, who deserves and needs her mommy. I'm sorry sweetheart. I'd be there if I could. I just can't right now.

Dear g-d,

Please.

Thank you.

Wendi

Thank you Nanny

If you read below you can tell that we are really sad and anxious. But a few hours after I wrote that Nanny and I had a webchat. My Lia is growing up and is so sweet and perfect. Honey, we will be there soon. (I am Dashish)


dashish@aol says: Is Lia doing o'k? Is she asking any questions?

Lia 慈惠 says:
She is very glad when she saw her granddad and grandmama that day

dashish@aol.com says:
oh!! so sweet!
they are in love with her!

Lia 慈惠 says:
She is very naughty

dashish@aol.com says:
what is she doing?

Lia 慈惠 says:
which floor is Lia's room

dashish@aol.com says:
Lia is on the second floor. Right next to our bedroom
Her bedroom is so beautiful

Lia 慈惠 says:
Maybe you should be more aware of the window

dashish@aol.com says:
...the window is high..she won't be able to reach it.
does she like to look out windows?

Lia 慈惠 says:
She might get a chair to climb to the window

dashish@aol.com says:
i will make certain she can't.

Lia 慈惠 says:
That's how she do here to get any thing high

dashish@aol.com says:
ok..i'll watch that.
my little niece does the same thing

Lia 慈惠 says:
she is curious about many things now

dashish@aol.com says:
that is good...

Lia 慈惠 says:
she tries to discover everything she feels interesting

dashish@aol.com says:
we want her to be curious but cautious
this poor kid has never had such love before.
your family has been amazing
i think when kids feel comfortable they become more curious

Lia 慈惠 says:
I thing you will love her more than we do ^^

dashish@aol.com says:
we are her mommy and daddy

Lia 慈惠 says:
Lia is not afraid of strangers

dashish@aol.com says:
which is not always a good thing.
We have her enrolled in a pre-school
it's a great school with lots of fun things for her to do and learn.
we also have many friends with kid her age
several who were adopted as well.

Lia 慈惠 says:
She seems more interesting in boys and sometimes when people give her candies she will do things people asker to do
such as a hug or kissing because she is not afraid of strangers

dashish@aol.com says:
She is a little flirt already!

Lia 慈惠 says:
Ha! Maybe that's because all girls in our family. She has less chance to interact with male

dashish@aol.com says:
So funny.
Does she tell people she is coming to USA?

Lia 慈惠 says:
she always sing a song that she is flying to USA

dashish@aol.com says:
oh..so sweet

Lia 慈惠 says:
And she often mentions that she will go to USA to visit dady, mommy, granddad, grandmoma, her sister....., all the day and also her uncle she just reminds me

dashish@aol.com says:
oh...
i hope she realizes that it's more then a visit
so cute

Lia 慈惠 says:
I think she realizes that she is going to stay there rather than a visit

dashish@aol.com says:
well, i'm sure she doesn't even realize what this all means...how could she
she will be happy. we will make sure of it.

Lia 慈惠 says:
We are also happy she can find such good family and this might make her life totally different

dashish@aol.com says:
she deserves it
she is making our lives so special
you are blessings from god.
we know we are blessed that lia is living with you.

Lia 慈惠 says:
we are happy to have her accompany too

dashish@aol.com says:
she is a special little girl

Lia 慈惠 says:
If you have any problem when taking care Lia, you always welcome to contact us
dashish@aol.com says:
thank you so much
one thing is i want to know what sort of foods she likes to eat
of course food here is a little different and we want to make sure we are feeding her foods she likes

Lia 慈惠 says:
She loves the food all kids love, such as cookies, candies...
But she seems have no prefernce in normal food

dashish@aol.com says:
she woudn't drink milk with us, we noticed that.
she also ate cereal with chopsticks and giggled about it.

Lia 慈惠 says:
that's right. she doesn't milk

dashish@aol.com says:
our milk is very different here. she might like it better.

Lia 慈惠 says:
flavored milk might be better

dashish@aol.com says:
yes. and maybe milkshakes
that have icecream in them

Lia 慈惠 says:
She loves icecream
But she often gets cold

dashish@aol.com says:
we laugh because in many of the pictures you send us she has food in her hands

Lia 慈惠 says:
it's a little late. we should get Lia to her bed

dashish@aol.com says:
definetly. i didn't realize she was up
thank you for chatting. it made me feel good

An update

Finally learned yesterday why decree is really being held up. Apparently, the Judge wanted a form filled out and notarized with some information in Taiwan. Has nothing to do with us, but with reasons for Lia's circumstances there. They have been working on acquiring the paperwork and it looks like that will be wrapped up soon. Then it could be another month. Or two. This sucks.

I'm angry for so many reasons. It is not worth putting them out here. I'm tired of talk and promises. I just want her already.

I was upset with my faciliator because when she referred to my daughter and the circumstances she called her by he Chinese name. Not Lia. It just bothered me. She said the exit paper work is done so once the decree does in fact finally arrive, it will be a quick exit.

How hard is this? It's very hard. It's harder then you can imagine. I know that we are lucky, beyond blessed that we see her everyweek and have met her. That also makes it harder...LIA WE MISS YOU. This is not just about an adoption coming to completion. This hurts so much because we miss YOU little girl.

I dreamt all night about you. I hadn't for a few weeks. I was protecting myself from feeling. But, I feel you. I love you. I want you here sweetie so bad. This really hurts.

Nada

I got nothing for you. I feel stuck. In limbo. This is frigging crazy. Not fair. I am done feeling sorry for myself. COME ON NOW I AM PISSED OFF.

That felt better.

Final paperwork

Last week I was told that we needed to get some additional paperwork authenticated for exit. I have to say, it was painless, and thank you to the wonderful Director at TECO ...he authenticated in about an hour and we walked out with it today. Tomorrow we take to our facilitator. Hopefully this is a good sign. Hey, I have to think positive!!!

Please

When you want something so bad the thought of it not having just shakes you from the inside out. When apart of you is missing, you ache from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes. You get scared. You get frustrated easily. You eat too much. You cry at the drop of a hat. I feel like such a drag. Like such a negative "kvetch". But, this is how I feel. I don't feel confident. I hate that. But, I do know it's because this is the most important thing that has ever happened to me. It has been years of trying. Trying to become a first time mommy. Five years ago we started with some fertility treatments. I had surgeries, tests, dreams. I then gave up on the dream until I realized I couldn't. It wouldn't matter how Lia came to us. She would come the way she was meant to come to us. We started the adoption process three and a half years ago. Meetings, phonecalls, running around, paperwork, dreams, hopes, longing. It went on and on. And then the call, the opportunity that changed our life. The trip I only dreamed of. The face that I cry myself to sleep to. I want my baby. Now, it's a piece of paper that we wait for. Again, we are waiting. And waiting. It hurts now more then ever. Please. I'm ready for this to be over and for my life to begin with my daughter.

I love you Lia Tsz-Huei Rose.

Numbness

The past few days I have been down. Really angry and sad. Then I think to myself, why should I be so lucky? There are hundreds and thousands of people trying to have a baby...waiting for their adoption to go through. Why should I Wendi be so lucky to have my child. I don't deserve it more then anyone else. Then the numbness takes over and I just don't feel anymore.

But quite frankly, this adoption is really about Lia. She deserves to be loved, to be celebrated, to be cared for. I will take myself out of my prayers and just pray for her. For that is what matters. Dear God, this little girl has been placed in our care. We have our hearts wide open, our arms truly spread wide....we are ready to bring her home. Please see that this process continue swiftly and painlessly. Lia deserves her forever family. We are here for her. Please please.