Saturday, May 31, 2008

Feelings

My blog is to document this journey to my daughter. I capture the good, the bad, and the ugly. So today, I share, I feel so depressed. Truly blue. I feel unsettled by some events in my life. Confused. Insecure. It is where I am today. I dreamt last night that I had to stand before a Board of Directors and tell them why I was supposed to have a child. In the dream I was renewing some sort of application with a few other families. I was selected to represent them. However, when I stood up, I instead announced that I was representing my husband and myself. I said to the Board, "all my life I wanted to be a mother. Please allow me to be." A few of the Board members smiled at me and nodded. I set down and realized how selfish I was, there were others in the same boat and I spoke about myself. I felt like a jerk. And, I woke up feeling guilty. Tommorrow is our fifth year wedding anniversary. Not as long as many, but longer then others. It does go fast. But something is missing for me. I know what it is. It is the child that was supposed to be apart of the dream we shared on our wedding day. Things have slowed down in China. We know that. But my only hope is that this is the slowest it will be. We are so close to the Olympics. I feel sad. Life is moving on, I still feel like I am constantly trying to prove myself to be a decent enough person to be a mother. To deserve this blessing. I wish I could fight the sadness away. I wish I did not feel so much. But I do.

5 comments:

Jocelyn said...

Don't wish that you didn't feel so much, that is what makes you so special and also what will make you such a wonderful mommy. Sorry you are having such a sad day...hugs from Tulsa...and COME VISIT US!!!!!

KJ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
KJ said...

I agree with Jocelyn ... you are human - more than that you are one of the most special humans i know... mostly bc of how much you feel. you are a mother, who doesnt yet have her child ... i cant comprehend how difficult that must be. im sorry you are so sad, im sorry your wait is so long, im mostly sorry that someone who just wants to love a child has to fight this hard, wait this long. its not fair, it doesnt make sense. you deserve this wend - and the world will be a better place when it happens - for you and in general. i love you. you are allowed to feel. i just wish it was the opposite emotion.
sending love from san francisco as well.

Mary Beth in A'dam said...

Dear Wendi, I know by the time you read this you will be well again. We are so much alike in this way - you have SO much joy and success in other parts of your life, it is just UNBELIEVABLE that this important part is not yet complete. And it can 'ruin' the other joyous events with the sadness. I have to admit I am getting tired of celebrating other adoptions, that is, until I meet them in person, then the shared JOY. We WILL be there...

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry you're so blue. That's all I can say... Love, Anonnie.