Privacy please

Hi friends. I am looking forward to blogging again. Maybe I need to to remind myself that one day a baby will come. I HAVE to go private. It's not that mysterious why, and when we are private I'll explain. In fact it's really great why. Anyway, some of you I know, others I don't. I need your email addresses. Either email me at dashish@aol.com or just leave it in the comments. Look forward to seeing you in my private world!

For awhile

All is fine. I need to take a very long blog break. No updates. It is what it is...so I'm closing down shop here. Not much left to say on the topic...be back soon when we have something to report! (I'll be making this private soon, so don't think I am blocking you out.) Take care!

What if

I try not to worry. Yeah, right. I am the biggest worrier there is…besides my mommy. She taught me well J I worry when I call my husband's cell and he doesn't answer. I worry when my parents don't answer their phone. I worry when I hear about an accident in Ohio and wonder if anyone I know is near there. I am a worrier. The what ifs can make you crazy and I do try, as hard as it may be, to rise above the feelings of worry and remember that all will be o'k. But those what ifs can keep you down. This adoption process has turned into a complete mess for myself and thousands of others. The what ifs are huge. What if the program dissolves? What if my health status changes? What if , What if, What if. I even challenged myself last night. I thought to myself-What if I am not supposed to be a mother? I let that sink in for a bit. I must tell you, it didn't feel right. It wasn't right.

I am upset. I hide it well. I keep it hidden in the deepest parts of me, so deeply that sometimes I don't even feel it anymore. What do we do? Do we keep hanging on to some false hope that this is all going to change after the Olympics? Do we just move forward every day optimistically thinking this is really going to happen? I don't have any more answers. I am angry. I am frustrated. I have to let those feelings go. The bottom line is….it doesn't look like this is happening soon. I can't feel punished. It's not just happening to me. I can't feel sorry for myself. It's not just happening to me.

Dear G-D, I just want my baby. All I want is ONE baby. I am here to mother a child that needs mothering. I know you have more to worry about then me. I am so grateful for so much that life has offered me. I just know that I am meant to be someone's mother. I need your help up there …

So friends, I am taking a bit of a blog break (and not at all to be dramatic or anything) I just have nothing left to say. One day L-R when you read this, at this point in your mom's life she was feeling that she needed to just let all of this go and trust the universe that you would be in her arms soon.

My stepdaughter arrives on Monday, the next few weeks will be busy and occupied with fun times with Annie and her friend Mel. I'll be back soon…thanks for reading and following this adventure…but right now I need to say to myself-"What if I just let it be".

I love you all.

 

Watch this

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/world/2008/06/26/lah.quake.adoption.cnn?iref=videosearch

(Cut and paste in your browser...you will love this story!)

20

We are 20 months LID today.

As Tom Petty says…"the waiting is the hardest part".

I may have posted this before

I think I have...can't remember, but lately I felt so blessed to have so many great friends in my life. I have reconnected with a few friends who I have missed so much,and have become closer with some others. I can't thank you enough. I miss my sister who I can't talk to as much because of the bad reception at camp, but I have so many sister (and actually brother) friends and it really helps. I can truly say that "I have been changed for good". Thank you all for showing me that life is pretty o'k...especially because I got you!!! All is good...and so it will be!

Oy, it ain’t easy

No one said life was just ice cream and apple pie. It's tough and it's challenging. I am in an interesting place. Put it this way, you know that expression are you having fun yet…well I am not. And truly, things are not THAT bad, they just aren't what I want them to be. So much of it is out of my control. Some of it I can control. I am tired and working hard. Trying to resolve some professional issues that have left me feeling disappointed yet inspired. Personally, I just cannot seem to relax. The adoption seems so unreal now. I guess I need to be in the place to get to the other side.. Please don't think I am feeling sorry for myself. For I am not. Today I learned that someone I knew growing up passed away at the ripe old age of 45. That is a tragedy. For me, it's a moment of self reflection. A chance to challenge my fear. A time to appreciate, and know that change is on the way. I am not complaining. Rest in peace MW.

Thanks for prayers

So far so good with my friend who I mentioned below. She seems to have avoided the "big c" although has a very strange strange infection that we need to be concerned about. Her spirit continues to inspire me...she is so positive and remains so faithful. I am completely in awe of her.

In other news, my nieces have left for overnight camp. I had a huge argument or let's say disagreement - with Sydney over the weekend (Syd will make an outstanding lawyer one day). She thinks that all kids must go to overnight camp and that it is awful that I wont' consider it for my daughter to be. First off, I told her, not all kids go to overnight camp (Trust me, she has no idea how hard my sister works to make that happen) and secondly, I told her, I will have waited for Lia-Rose for so long there is no way I'm not going to spend as much of her childhood with her! Not sure Syd got that, but I give the kids lots of credit for her strong opinion. Addie was delish, and I still can't imagine how hard it is for my sister and bro-in law not to see that kid every night ...Hayley was Hayley...beautiful yet tooo cool for me...but I still adore her and trust she will be Hayley again with me soon.

Anyway, Annie my stepdaughter and her bff arrive in a few weeks. I have spent alot of time cleaning up closets and such. My house looks great on the outside...pretty neat and uncluttered...but if you open some doors and drawers what lurks behind is scary. Not so much anymore though. Annie and Mel will be sleeping in Lia-Rose 's room to be ...so I cleared Lia's stuff and put it neatly in the closet. I don't have that much, but it sort of made me sad. One day soon, both of them will have their own bedroom, but for now they share.

Went to my next door neighbor's 6th grade graduation...our other neighbor who is 8 joined us. O'k, yes she is Chinese too and yes, you know what I pretended to be. Who cares, it was fun!

Somewhere out there

The night before my niece Sydney was born 13 years ago I was with my friend *, who I mentioned below. We kept singing this song to each other...and the next day Sydney Juliana was born...and my friend * certainly announced it to the world...I found this, and thought it was so appropriate to hear as I continue to send * my love and prayers.
(To OLM..I snagged this from you...but want to wish your sister only the best...)
And so it will be....

An open pray for you my friend

Dear G-D, I ask you to hold my friend * in your arms tonight. * just told me that there are a few spots on her lungs that the doctors are concerned with. * is not worried, she knows it is in your hands.

G-d I ask you to take care of her for me. For us all. She is truly one of those special people. Someone who has made a huge difference in my life and many others. A dear friend, who although I haven't seen lately, she is truly one of my best friends. I LOVE HER. I don't want her to be in pain or to be sick. Only healthy and happy. G-d, please bless her. Give her strength. Give the doctors the best tools and resources. Give her husband strength and support. Give her family love and faith.

Dear Blogger friends. I ask you to picture sunshine, smiles, giggles and love. That's my friend *. She lights up a room, brightens up a dreary day. She is truly magnificent. She is talented, brilliant, loving and oh so filled with peace. I haven't seen her in sometime.. but know, she means the world to me.

Dear *…I love you. I saw the world with you for the first time, cried with you over many broken hearts, laughed and jumped for joy with you when we both met our soulmates. We have danced together, sang together, prayed together, laughed together and supported each other for many many years. This will pass. You will be fine. My prayers go out to you…and I know you'll have many many others from all those who read these words.

You will be fine….and so it will be.

Just like this.

So sad

As someone who loves the news and politics, I am so stunned to have just heard that my favorite political newsman Tim Russert passed away. He was only 58 years of age. I feel so sad about this. Please all...take care of yourself. Life is so fleeting. This man, so filled with life and knowledge, gone. So shocking and sad.

Pretend

I have mentioned before that I have new next door neighbors that are Chinese. The father has been here for over a year, but his wife and daughter arrived about five months ago. They are all just learning English and the American ways. I love having them so close by, they are extremely nice and of course, they are also educating me on many Chinese cultures and traditions. The best part is that the Mom, Yo, knows how excited I am to become mommy to Lia-Rose. She let's me "pretend" that her daughter Jacey is mine J. Jacey is unreal. She is 11 years old, but already stands 5'5. She is looks a good five years older then she is and is, as she told me, "the tallest kid in the school!" She is also brilliant. She plays classical piano, speaks Chinese, English and Japanese, is very outgoing and saavy and just has the most refreshing spirit. I actually forget how young she is. She has a maturity about her that is truly remarkable. Her mother tells me that in China all her friends play piano, and although here she seems so talented, her mom tells me that in China, she is just average. I can't believe that.

Anyway, last night Jacey came over to visit. I know, I know, I am very weird, but it was so beautiful to see a young Chinese girl in my house. She wanted to see the baby's room. Right now, it's a combo of my stepdaughter's room and baby to be's. There's a big bed, but lots of stuffed animals and books. Jacey told me it will be perfect. This morning she was running late for the school bus and I picked her up and drove her down the street.. She got out of my car in front of all the other kids and their moms. I kissed her and said, have a great day sweetie!!! She said, "Bye, I love you!" Then I looked down at my key chain. (Jacey gave me her school picture, which they produced in a number of sizes, including making some into key tags, one is now on my key chain) Her little beautiful face smiled up at me. For a few minutes, I saw the future. And it was so nice to pretend!

Dear Hayley and Sydney,

My two oldest nieces, I miss you guys. Once upon a time, not so long ago, I was on the top of your BFF list. You called me first when something great happened. We spent hours gabbing on the phone. Now, you both are busy with school and a big social life. I am proud of you both, but my love for you is so big, and I have to say, I miss you! I hope you have a great summer at camp, and you better write.

At least Addie still digs me :)

Love you both,
Aunt Wendi aka Wendi

The brickwalls that in are in the way are there to show us how much we want something.

This song

I recently bought the SATC soundtrack. I can't stop listening to this song. The words speak loudly to me. Really a good song to narrate my journey to you Lia-Rose.

A Moment for the History Books Lia-Rose

Tonight I sit before the television set watching a man of color, the same age as me, being nominated to be the Democratic nominee for President. Behind him, a room filled with people of all different colors, shapes and sizes. This is overwhelming. Senator Obama will be our nominee for President. Wow. I have tears flowing down my face. And not because Hillary lost, but because, right now, at this very moment so many lives will change. Children will see there are no limits to what you can do. It doesn't matter what color your skin is, or shape your eyes are, or what religion you are. You too can someday be President. I was on the fence about him. I was a Hillary person and in the end voted for him. I have to believe. I have to believe. THIS IS AMAZING. Maybe the world will see us differently now. Maybe people will look at each other differently now. Maybe Obama can really change the world….for you Lia-Rose .. for you Annie and Adam… for you Hayley, Syd and Addie. ..for you Miles and Alana and Hao and the Czar. For you Joseph and Mimi... For you Olivia, for you Mia, for you Pacey, for you sweet baby Vera... for you BabyAnonnie. For us all.

..."and this was the moment!"

June 1 2003

"Congratulations Aunt Wendi and Uncle Joe. We love you."

That is a direct quote from my Build a Bear Bride doll...the voices were courtesy of my two little nieces at the time, 9 1/2 year old Hayley and 8 year Sydney. It was five years ago. It was my wedding day.

Happy Anniversary. I love you my husband. Thank you for all you do. Especially how very hard you work. You are simply the best.

And our dreams....they are our goals. We will get there soon.

Feelings

My blog is to document this journey to my daughter. I capture the good, the bad, and the ugly. So today, I share, I feel so depressed. Truly blue. I feel unsettled by some events in my life. Confused. Insecure. It is where I am today. I dreamt last night that I had to stand before a Board of Directors and tell them why I was supposed to have a child. In the dream I was renewing some sort of application with a few other families. I was selected to represent them. However, when I stood up, I instead announced that I was representing my husband and myself. I said to the Board, "all my life I wanted to be a mother. Please allow me to be." A few of the Board members smiled at me and nodded. I set down and realized how selfish I was, there were others in the same boat and I spoke about myself. I felt like a jerk. And, I woke up feeling guilty. Tommorrow is our fifth year wedding anniversary. Not as long as many, but longer then others. It does go fast. But something is missing for me. I know what it is. It is the child that was supposed to be apart of the dream we shared on our wedding day. Things have slowed down in China. We know that. But my only hope is that this is the slowest it will be. We are so close to the Olympics. I feel sad. Life is moving on, I still feel like I am constantly trying to prove myself to be a decent enough person to be a mother. To deserve this blessing. I wish I could fight the sadness away. I wish I did not feel so much. But I do.

AMAZING

It was a fantastic and incredible night. Lori and I both had a ball! Where do we start? Lori arrived at about 1...we ran out and did the big hair blow-out..came home changed and headed into the city. I live so close, but was scared with rain due and looming traffic..I didn't want to get caught. We got in early early..and were in the Will call line about two hours early. We put our time to good use and got to know the security guards who made sure we were #1 and #2 in line and also chatted it up with two other sisters..the assistant costume designer's sisters. We were about 20 feet away from the Red Carpet..I mean the Pink carpet...so we could see the crowds and photographers. After getting our tickets we went in and grabbed a box of free popcorn and Pink Vitamin Water...we then showed the usher our tickets and she informed us that we were in the same row, but on completely different sides of the hall. UGH. I walked Lori to her seat and promised to sit with her until the movie started...but, yeah, my friend arrived and we realized that the whole row was made up of people from the same group and two had cancelled. Perfect! I stayed. Anyway,we watched large big screens that were set up broadcast the happenings on the red carpet...we saw Donald Trump, Fergie, Nicki Hilton, Jennifer Gardner, Bette Midler, Ashley (or MaryKate) Olson, Mario Cantone, Willie Garson, Chris Noth, Cynthia Nixon and Carrie..I mean Sarah Jessica arrive....then they hit the lights and the President of New Line Cinema game out. It was all a fundraiser for the Fund For Public Schools, so that crew came out and introduced their organization...then brought on the writer, and Executive Director...Michael Patrick King, who's assistant is the reason we were there. He introduced them all....they were all in the Audience...we saw them from a far...there were over 5000 there...then the girls came out...they are beautiful...gorgeous...all looked fantastic. Sarah spoke..and then ...we heard it..that familiar soundtrack...that voice..."My Name is Carrie Bradshaw"...goosebumps.

WE LOVED THE MOVIE. It was a fan's dream. No spoilers...but I have to say..we all know that Charlotte adopted a beautiful Chinese girl...Lily...seeing her...made us cry. ...there is one other significant goose bump thing about Charlotte's family...but I will leave it at that...I'll say it after it opens.

It's fun..we cried..we laughed..we cried again. I LOVED IT SO. Afterwards, we went back out as the place emptied...we ran into my old friend Mario Cantone, who of course plays the wedding planner..Lori screamed his name. He looked up and said like we were in the grocery store "Oh hi Wendi"...then we were inches from Jerry Seinfeld. Lori took several pictures, and I swear to you that he gave her the dirty eye.

It was a great night. I loved that my sister was with me. That was the best part of the night for me. She lost my umbrella and her shoes...but we had the bestest time....now go see the movie...so we can talk. My hair looked better it does HERE..it was humid out!