Sunday, April 13, 2008

Sex and the Weekend

How very inappropriate for my adoption blog! Now what were you thinking. I was referring to the fact that I spent a good portion of some "down" time this weekend watching old Sex and the City reruns. I can't tell you how spending that time took me back about 8 years. Back to the days of living on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, living in my 400 square foot fourth floor brownstone walkup on West 81st Street. I loved that little (and I mean little) apartment. To me it was my sanctuary, my castle in the sky. I used to love climbing up the fire escape onto the roof and spy down on all the backyards of the brownstones below. My life then was good, albeit, lonely at times. I dated, I saw my friends, I worked, I drank cosmopolitans (no joke), I dreamed of a steady boyfriend. I shopped, I worked in political campaigns and fell in love with these little babies –my nieces who entered my life during these days.

It definitely was a simpler time. I had literally no food in my apartment. Why cook for one when the Shining Star diner was two blocks away? They knew me by name and had my favorite meal –Chicken on top of a big salad, pickles, decaf and melba toasts on the side (Yep, I guess not everything has changed) ready before I even sat down.

Life was about dreaming. Dreaming of my future. Longing for my partner. I related so much to the girls in Sex and the City. It seemed like their lives were imitating parts of my own. I had my Mr. Big definitely two Bergers and I believe that Joe in a sense, is my Aidan.

When I watched this weekend, it came all back to me. I felt like that thirty-something year old again. I felt the angst. The excitement. The hysteria. I am so happy that my life is where it is today. I wonder; when the movie comes out, will the girls seem settled. Will their dreams come true? I know that Charlotte has a daughter from China. I find that wonderfully ironic.

But the big takeaway I came away with this weekend is this…when I was in my thirties and living in the City , I was WAITING for a man. I felt at times like my life was on hold. I didn't realize how much I had back then. I enjoyed it, but why not more? I was waiting for my life to begin-or better stated-waiting to meet Mr. Right. I spent far too many hours not enjoying what I had then but merely focused on what I didn't have. They truly were the good old days. So as I wait for my baby, and dream for what it will be with her, I need to savor every moment of this..right now and enjoy. For one day, this too shall be the good old days…waiting or not.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Dreams...

As you may know, I love to document any important dreams I have may have. I had one last night. Maybe less of a dream, and more of a "vision". I was drifting to sleep, in fact, I may have been asleep dreaming that I was drifting to sleep. Joe was away last night so I was sleeping in my big bed by myself. As I was falling asleep I felt a presence. There were four men..older Chinese men, wrapped in very ancient robes. (No joke) I remember not feeling scared at all. In fact, very very safe. They said to me..."we are your daughter's ancestors. Her grandfathers and great-grandfathers. We will bring her to you but wanted to make sure you were safe. We wanted to know who you are."....that's it...I don't remember anymore, but woke up feeling much less anxious and strangely confident.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

An article.....and yes that is me.

I am glad that Lia-Rose will see this article one day. I had been interviewed several weeks ago by an AP reporter.

NEW YORK (AP) -- China remains the country of choice for thousands of Americans seeking to adopt a child, but the time frame for new applications is now often triple what it was a few years ago and many families are enduring uncertain, emotionally draining waits.
"I've gone up and down with it - like a roller coaster ride," said Barbara Duarte Esgalhado, a single mother in Manhattan. She has a 7-year-old daughter adopted from China and filed paperwork in January 2006 for a second adoption that has yet to materialize.
"You find yourself rethinking it a lot more - is this still a good idea?" said Duarte Esgalhado, a 50-year-old writer and psychologist.
Her daughter, Uma, was a big fan of getting a sister when the idea surfaced three years ago. Now, she's ambivalent. "A 4-year-old thinks differently about a sibling than an 7-year-old," her mother said.
The longer waits - projected at three or four years for many new applicants - officially are attributed to the large number of foreigners trying to adopt from China coupled with a smaller pool of available children and a slower review process. The China Center of Adoption Affairs, long respected for its ethics and efficiency, avoids specific promises about how long applications might take.
Infant girls by the thousands are abandoned every year in China, and the nation has been America's top source of foreign adopted children since 2000. But the annual total fell to 5,453 last year, down from a peak of 7,906 in 2005, and further declines are expected as part of an overall drop in foreign adoptions.
Texas-based Great Wall China Adoption, one of the largest agencies focusing on China, says its annual caseload is down by half.
"Unfortunately we've had families who have decided to withdraw from the process," said Great Wall spokesman Leigh Ann Graf. "We have some families who are very angry about the wait times - and others looking at the time as a way to get all those things in that they won't be able to do after they become parents."
The uncertainty has fueled rumors and speculation within the tight-knit community of Americans who have adopted from China or hope to do so. Some believe the longer waits are part of a temporary Chinese effort to scale back international adoptions ahead of the Beijing Olympics in August. Others wonder if China may be phasing out foreign adoptions almost entirely.
"Our agency made clear our wait could be three years, four, five - they just don't know," said Mike Suomi, a Manhattan architect. He and his wife, Jenn, have applied to adopt a second child to become a sister to 5-year-old Olivia, whom they adopted from China in November 2003.
"China is becoming an economic powerhouse," Suomi said. "As far as we know, there's an embarrassment factor to having an inability to take care of your own children."
The Suomis are working with Spence-Chapin, a venerable New York-area adoption agency whose caseload for China has dropped sharply due to the delays. Ann Hassan, the agency's China coordinator, said the wait can be much shorter if parents agree to adopt a child with a physical handicap such as a cleft palate or congenital heart disease.
The Suomis, both in their early 40s, are willing to consider such a child, depending on specifics of the impairment. They also considered adopting from elsewhere in the Far East but found South Korea, Vietnam and Taiwan unworkable for varying reasons.
"China always was the top preference," said Jenn Suomi. "There's no funny business, no corruption, no black market."
They're intent on persisting with the China application, and they work hard to help Olivia handle the longer-than-expected wait for the sibling she wants to call Mei Mei - "little sister" in Mandarin.
"Let's say we wait four years - Olivia will be 9," said her father. "We'll be four years older. That's very hard for us. ... We're ready now, and now we have to wait."
Steve and Katherine Curtis, who live in the Long Island town of Babylon, are trying to adopt a second daughter from China to be a sister to Amelia, who was adopted in September 2006 and turned 2 in December.
"We're always thinking of her," said Steve Curtis, an auto company executive. "Absolutely we think it would be helpful for her to have someone to have a shared experience with."
Their new application was registered last October. They have no clear idea how long it will take.
"We're braced for fact it could be three more years," Curtis said. "You do all you can. Then it's up to the powers that be."
Some applicants feel they're in a particularly precarious position. Theresa Fierro, a third-grade teacher from Clifton, N.J., is a single mother who - like Barbara Duarte Esgalhado - got her current application filed in 2006 shortly before China changed its rules to exclude most single parents.
"The wait is causing some fear," said Fierro, 50, who has a 5-year-old daughter adopted from China. "And it's tough to plan. ... Should I work summer school or not? Should I go on vacation or not?"
For Joann Nix, 48, of Mastic Beach, N.Y., the wait adds to frustrations that had been building up over years of futile fertility treatments.
She and her husband registered two years ago to adopt a Chinese child. They now fear the slowdown could hurt their chances of seeking a second adoption later on.
"It gets torturous some times," Nix said. "There are thousands of kids in this world who need good homes. We want just one."
In a similar predicament is Wendi Caplan-Carroll, 46, of Secaucus, N.J. She has no children of her own, though her husband has two from a prior marriage. She initially hoped an adoption from China could be completed in about 13 months. Now the process has been under way for two years, with no sure end in sight.
"I know some people who gave up, others who decided to adopt from Ethiopia," she said.
"We're not shopping around - we have our heart set on China. It's hard to give up when you want something so desperately."

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

I had to post this

There is a little being in my life who sits by my side all the time and looks up to me with only the sweetest looks. She is like a big stuffed animal and like I always say, "I love this dog"!

She loves me...she really really loves me!

This is my Molly, my beautiful "TT"...Tibetan terrier. See the before and after pictures from her recent groom. I know, it doesn't look all that different, but trust me it is.






Sunday, April 06, 2008

A lopsided weekend

Saturday sucked. Sunday was wonderful.
I had the best of plans on Saturday. To meet up with my girls...Ann Marie and Susan, and more importantly the Czar and Monkey Girl. I felt it coming on on Friday night. Saturday morning, I ambitiously got in the car thinking that some coffee from the Bagel Buffet would help, but, god it was terrible. I turned around. A bad headache was coming. I had to cancel, and I am so sorry. I ended up taking two Tylenol pm and slept the day away. Of course, I wake up and feel much better and it's midnight or so. I pretty much stayed up all night.

Anyway, this morning I was good. A little wiped out, but really fine and thank goodness for that. Joe and I spent the day with our friends Rose and John and their precious Hao. Rose and John were in our original travel group and in June of last year decided that one special boy in China was waiting for them. And he sure is special. So delicate and sweet. Rose, if you are reading this I want you to know how much it meant for me to be with your baby boy. It gave me faith again. It gave me hope. I even bought three books from the toddler section of Barnes and Noble tonight. It can happen. It will happen. Thank you for helping me remember.

Also, if you get the chance, watch this video. This is mom...and ...ahem..Senator Kennedy, who honored my mother for her support of him! I am so proud, and I know my mother gets embarrassed when I mention her...but how cute is she? I am so happy that we have this on video.

Friday, April 04, 2008

It’s a boy!!!!

Mazel tov my little mommy Stephanie!!! He is so delicious and cute I can't stand him!!!! I love you and I know your are going to be the greatest and most beautiful mommy!!! Now go get him!

Thursday, April 03, 2008

The pregnant man

It's true. I saw him. I saw a man who was pregnant. A man with as he says, "a small penis" is pregnant. His body bloated with baby and man body hair. Of course you know that this man was once a woman. He knew he wanted children one day and he kept his reproductive organs. He was a beautiful man. And, as weird as it was to watch. I was happy for him. His dream was coming true. His wife and her children were thrilled and excited. Something he said spoke out to me. He said, and I am paraphrasing, "I have the human right to give birth, to have a child." It made me cry. Cry tears of frustration and anger and despair. I have this right. YOU too have this right. This process feels so hard because it feels like this right is being just taken a way from me. My body denied me. I knew my road was adoption. I have the right to mother just as a man, who formally was a woman, has the right to have a child. Why are our rights being denied?

My friend Elizabeth comments in the post below that maybe its time to take her rose colored glasses off. Things are moving very very slowly. Even word of a new waiting child's list has been silenced. NOTHING is happening. Our friends, Paul and Denise, may miss the cut-off by one day. They have waited over two years.

As much attraction and optimism and belief as I throw out there to the world, Nothing is happening. I always put on the smile. I always am the one who says it's o'k. But you know what. It just isn't anymore. It's not o'k. It's not o'k that there are thousands of babies who need moms and dads, and we wait and are scrutinized and we are just denied. I am truly at a place tonight where this doesn't feel like it's going to happen. I will always be the great Auntie to all the babies and children in my life, and I am grateful for that. But, I am sorry, I want more. I need more.

My friends. I do not know anymore. It doesn't make sense, and it really hurts. *I add I am very PMS, so pardon this rant, but it actually feels good to get it off my chest. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I just want to exhale and believe again. But, I am worn out from believing. So tomorrow when I stand in line to get my expired fingerprints taken, I don't know how I'll feel. I am not a quitter. Never have been. But ....I don't know what to think anymore. I shout out to the UNIVERSE...I, TOO, LIKE THE PREGNANT MAN, HAVE THE RIGHT TO HAVE A CHILD. I WILL NOT BE DENIED. HELP ME BELIEVE AGAIN, PLEASE.

PS I am not looking for sympathy. I am not a victim. I have so many friends who are in the same place as me right now. I am just very sad.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Seriously….oy vey

"Oy vey". First off all, isn't "oy vey" just the greatest two words. I mean, it's so easy to make your point when you simply say, "oy vey". When you hear it…you know that it must be …well it must be.."oy vey!"…So, "oy vey", I am seriously tired. Tired of this whole thing. Tired of this process. Tired of trying to be patient and pleasant. This sucks big time. The lastest rumors have the China adoption community up in arms. The fact that they might be matching a huge batch..well huge according to no one batch of 5 days. That is a serious, "OY VEY". "OY VEY" "OY F'ing VEY"

And by the way : In 2001, California State Assembly
Speaker, Robert Hertzberg (D-Van Nuys), compiled a 31 page Yiddish dictionary for his colleagues and of the word "oy vey" he defined it as "an untranslatable expression used for a variety of negative feelings.[4]"…from Wikepedia.

Sorry for this seriously weird blog post. I am just really tired. I worked a long day and have a few more long ones ahead of me…all good. But, "oy vey".

A few random other thoughts-

Joe and I have to go for fingerprinting updates on Friday at Immigration-Oy vey!

My sister and bro-in-law are heading to Disney World on Friday- no Oy Vey, but yeah!

I am seeing "my friend Susan" and Ann Marie and their darling babies on Saturday-no Oy Vey, but yeah!

I am seeing my friend Rose and her beautiful son Hao on Sunday-no Oy Vey, but Yeah!

Anonnie met her daughter!!!!-Seriously fabulous no Oy Vey!


 

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

April Fool!

So I called my mom and sister and told them I got a referral! Totally mean. I know. Lori reminded me the last time I did that and made her heart jump was when I April Fooled her that Joe and were going to get married….we in fact got engaged 4 months later…so, let's hope my April Fool's come true this time too!

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Aunt Wendi and Addie take Manhattan

Addie wanted to go to the American Girl store so much. Addie and mommy were scheduled to come in on Friday and the plan was we were all going to go into the city and have a playdate at the store. Poor Lori has a broken toe which won't heal because Lori won't stay off of it...so walking around the city would be not in her plans. We couldn't disappoint Addie...it was all she was looking forward to during Spring break...so, Aunt Wendi went down, brought her up ...and tothe American Girl Store we went. What a day...four and half hours there...we took a lunch break..but we had to wait for her doll Rebecca to visit the Hair Salon. Two hours and $10 later, the doll's hair was brushed out, nice and straight ...five minutes and one NYC breeze later it was back to looking the same...but who cares..Addie had fun!!! We came home and pulled out the hairkit we bought her as well as the new outfit...we had a ball and suddenly although she wouldn't talk to Joe for the first half hour..she decided to do his hair too. See picture below. Too cute....I loved hanging with her...so much fun....she let me "play" her mommy and I loved every minute of it. Lori, Gregg and Syd just came up to retrieve her..but thanks for letting me borrow Addie...she is the bestest!!! xoox

PS Anonnie is back and met her daughter!!!!

Friday, March 28, 2008

I am so lame

Lori and I had a discussion about how lame our blogs are. Well, mine. Her's is still cooler than mine, according to her daughter Sydney, because it is not about adoption. Note, we believe that Sydney may think that all blogs are about is adoption because that is how she was introduced to the world of blogging.

My blog is totally lame lately. I have nothing really to say except how miserable I am about this wait.(Or happy birthday to my husband) I am tired of hearing myself complain. So, I don't really write much. I don't feel inspired to. I feel freakin' beaten up and just wounded. I am not a victim and I'm tired of playing one in cyber space. I am just a pissed off woman. And by the way, I don't' like to be that character either. I am a positive, powerful woman. By the way, that is a quote from my Coach, not from me personally…the powerful part. I am generally positive…and hate hate hate hate, did I say hate how this wait is draining me and causing me angst. Isn't this the part of motherhood supposed to be fun? To be filled with food cravings and shopping? To be filled with excitement and baby showers? By the way, I wouldn't be having a baby shower as a Jew, but that's another issue. Bottom-line…I'm tired of not being happy. I am tired of just working and burying my head into projects and paying my bills. I am tired of not having fun and living life right now. I am really not …I'm just going thru motions until I get some news about my baby. So, I announce to the world…right now… Enough being caught up in sorrow and frustration.

I am going to live in the moment. I am living life like this baby is really coming, and more importantly like I HAVE THE LIFE THAT I HAVE. Enough being lame. Thanks Lor. Now update your much better according to Sydney blog!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

I am patient

17 months logged in.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Happy Birthday to my Husband Joe


 

To you my husband, I wish you health and happiness. I love you and thank you for just letting me be me.

You are the best. I love you forever.


 

Love, W

Monday, March 24, 2008

Another email message to me

"Impatience is a sign of hurrying; hurrying is a sign of worrying; worrying is a sign of fear; and fear is a sign, Wendi, that someone has temporarily forgotten that it's never too late to change their thoughts and therefore their "things." And for these reasons, time will forever be on their side.

Glad we could straighten that out -
    The Universe"

But geez….how patient do I need to be? How much more patient can I be….? Am I being punished for something that I did long ago? Am I being punished for something I didn't do? Am I an awful person? A person that doesn't deserve what I really desire? Will I just be an awful mother so this is why I am being kept away? I know all of this is horrible to think. But, I do think it sometimes. I do question why some families are blessed with 4 or 5 children. Why I have none. I don't begrudge, but when? Why isn't it me? Will it ever be my turn? My insides hurt. My head hurts. My heart is breaking. When I started this process….I was 2 younger then I am today. I am getting older and older. COME ON.

I wish I could be strong all the time. I can't be. I ache to love this child. I ache to hold my daughter in my arms. This heart has a hole in it the size of you my child.

I will be patient. I have been patient. But god damn it…I want my child already! Universe, I love you and respect you …but, it's just really hard sometimes. WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?

Sunday, March 23, 2008

To my “shish” and the other “Sheeshes”…and by “Sheeshes”, I mean YOU!


 


 

Happy Easter!.....


 

HAPPY SHEESTER!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Back…and sleepy

I am tired. I think a week on the road….a weekend before that of work has just all caught up.

So, I say one thing…or maybe two…I am tired…I want my baby.

Enough said. I'll be back tomorrow for a less sleepy posting.


 

Hope you have been well.

Anonnie…how is it going?

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

On the road again

On a biz trip again....not much to say ....be back on Friday!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Friday, March 14, 2008

A little feeling of magic.

Today was one of those days where everything seemed to flow. It was magical in a sense for me. I got a few new projects, clients were happy, work was extremely productive, I got my nails done, had a great dinner with an ex-client/now friend, was happy to hear my sister had had a great couple days....and my second China family friend got a referral! I mean I've seen a few Russian mamas get theirs...an Ethiopian mommy or two (hypothetically)...but believe it or not, only one of my China friends. I won't give information until it's all official official, but it's a Waiting Child, and she is just great ...and Mama is happy!!! Her older sister-a bit jealous...but it's all great. I thank her Mommy for making a special effort and calling me. It was so sweet.

Then today..I was walking down Fifth Ave on my way from a great appointment onto another...I look up...walking right across from me was a Caucasian women pushing a stroller with her beautiful Chinese daughter. In front of her was her husband with another Chinese child. Along with grandma and two older brothers. I stopped her (I know what you are thinking Lori and Sydney), but the truth is, I haven't had the heart lately to say anything when I see these wonderful blended families. Anyway, back to the tale...I stepped up beside her and whispered. "I'm a Waiting Family!" She said, "oh my god, when is your LID?" I answered. She said .."mine too!"...turned out of course, she is home two months with her beautiful baby Mackenzie. Cleft Lip (repaired)...beautiful. Precious. Wonderful.
I started to cry ..(I know what you are thinking Sydney) and she hugged me ...a stranger... but it did feel a little like magic though!


PS: I haven't been that great on my diet...need to get back on track! I put it out there go keep me accountable. Love that.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Stream of consciousness

Lori did one of these posts where she just typed what she was thinking...it helped her sort out her emotions during a stressful day. I figured, I can do the same. I am so tired. I am working so hard. I have finish up a few huge projects by Tuesday. Then on the road again. I am tired. I love it though. But I have alot of work to do. I know all this work is laying the groundwork for my life when this baby comes. But, it's tough...in a very good way. But, I'm tired. Joe and I both got little bugs after the Bat Mitzvah...my cold is coming back...I had fever the other day. I am tired. Opps, I said that. Elliott Spitzer is an asshole. How the heck could someone so stupid be so reckless. I feel so badly for his children. Long ago I was friends with the soon to be new Governor of NY's wife. I knew him too. He knew me. He would probably not remember me if we met today. He will be great. I really like him. The Bat Mitzvah was amazing. I saw s many old friends and family. I stood up on the Beema (totally spelled wrong) next to Hayley as she read her Torah. I was so proud. I was so proud of Sydney as she also nailed her reading. She was so cute and relaxed after she finished. I thought she was going to just hang out next to the rabbi all day. I was so proud. I couldn't stop crying. Why wasn't Lia-Rose there? The night before was the baby naming...it was meant to be it was that day. It was the first day of a new Jewish Month (Adar). Addie was born 7 years ago on the first day of Adar. It was meant to be. It was never meant to be Lia-Rose's naming. My sister is a fantastic mother. I envy her and am so proud. I hope she is not mad at me for making that flip remark about Camp Snuggly. I am so sorry shish. I really love her best friend Heidi. I wish I had a Heidi. I saw my sister's friend Terry and her daughter Victoria at the Bat M. Terry adopted Victoria from Vietnam years ago. They were meant to be together. It's so obvious. I cried when I saw them. It gave me hope. A reporter interviewed me today on a story about waiting families and the emotions involved in this long wait. Hello, do you think I had something to say. I am tired. I have more work to do. I will stop it's almost 11pm. I love the new season of American Idol. Just started watching it. I am so excited.My step daughter and best friend are coming to be with us for two weeks in July! Yeah!!!! O'k, I have to go. I have no idea what I just wrote. But, am glad I did. Oh yes, Anonnie...great luck. I am dieing to hear more! xxoxoox