A lopsided weekend

Saturday sucked. Sunday was wonderful.
I had the best of plans on Saturday. To meet up with my girls...Ann Marie and Susan, and more importantly the Czar and Monkey Girl. I felt it coming on on Friday night. Saturday morning, I ambitiously got in the car thinking that some coffee from the Bagel Buffet would help, but, god it was terrible. I turned around. A bad headache was coming. I had to cancel, and I am so sorry. I ended up taking two Tylenol pm and slept the day away. Of course, I wake up and feel much better and it's midnight or so. I pretty much stayed up all night.

Anyway, this morning I was good. A little wiped out, but really fine and thank goodness for that. Joe and I spent the day with our friends Rose and John and their precious Hao. Rose and John were in our original travel group and in June of last year decided that one special boy in China was waiting for them. And he sure is special. So delicate and sweet. Rose, if you are reading this I want you to know how much it meant for me to be with your baby boy. It gave me faith again. It gave me hope. I even bought three books from the toddler section of Barnes and Noble tonight. It can happen. It will happen. Thank you for helping me remember.

Also, if you get the chance, watch this video. This is mom...and ...ahem..Senator Kennedy, who honored my mother for her support of him! I am so proud, and I know my mother gets embarrassed when I mention her...but how cute is she? I am so happy that we have this on video.

It’s a boy!!!!

Mazel tov my little mommy Stephanie!!! He is so delicious and cute I can't stand him!!!! I love you and I know your are going to be the greatest and most beautiful mommy!!! Now go get him!

The pregnant man

It's true. I saw him. I saw a man who was pregnant. A man with as he says, "a small penis" is pregnant. His body bloated with baby and man body hair. Of course you know that this man was once a woman. He knew he wanted children one day and he kept his reproductive organs. He was a beautiful man. And, as weird as it was to watch. I was happy for him. His dream was coming true. His wife and her children were thrilled and excited. Something he said spoke out to me. He said, and I am paraphrasing, "I have the human right to give birth, to have a child." It made me cry. Cry tears of frustration and anger and despair. I have this right. YOU too have this right. This process feels so hard because it feels like this right is being just taken a way from me. My body denied me. I knew my road was adoption. I have the right to mother just as a man, who formally was a woman, has the right to have a child. Why are our rights being denied?

My friend Elizabeth comments in the post below that maybe its time to take her rose colored glasses off. Things are moving very very slowly. Even word of a new waiting child's list has been silenced. NOTHING is happening. Our friends, Paul and Denise, may miss the cut-off by one day. They have waited over two years.

As much attraction and optimism and belief as I throw out there to the world, Nothing is happening. I always put on the smile. I always am the one who says it's o'k. But you know what. It just isn't anymore. It's not o'k. It's not o'k that there are thousands of babies who need moms and dads, and we wait and are scrutinized and we are just denied. I am truly at a place tonight where this doesn't feel like it's going to happen. I will always be the great Auntie to all the babies and children in my life, and I am grateful for that. But, I am sorry, I want more. I need more.

My friends. I do not know anymore. It doesn't make sense, and it really hurts. *I add I am very PMS, so pardon this rant, but it actually feels good to get it off my chest. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I just want to exhale and believe again. But, I am worn out from believing. So tomorrow when I stand in line to get my expired fingerprints taken, I don't know how I'll feel. I am not a quitter. Never have been. But ....I don't know what to think anymore. I shout out to the UNIVERSE...I, TOO, LIKE THE PREGNANT MAN, HAVE THE RIGHT TO HAVE A CHILD. I WILL NOT BE DENIED. HELP ME BELIEVE AGAIN, PLEASE.

PS I am not looking for sympathy. I am not a victim. I have so many friends who are in the same place as me right now. I am just very sad.

Seriously….oy vey

"Oy vey". First off all, isn't "oy vey" just the greatest two words. I mean, it's so easy to make your point when you simply say, "oy vey". When you hear it…you know that it must be …well it must be.."oy vey!"…So, "oy vey", I am seriously tired. Tired of this whole thing. Tired of this process. Tired of trying to be patient and pleasant. This sucks big time. The lastest rumors have the China adoption community up in arms. The fact that they might be matching a huge batch..well huge according to no one batch of 5 days. That is a serious, "OY VEY". "OY VEY" "OY F'ing VEY"

And by the way : In 2001, California State Assembly
Speaker, Robert Hertzberg (D-Van Nuys), compiled a 31 page Yiddish dictionary for his colleagues and of the word "oy vey" he defined it as "an untranslatable expression used for a variety of negative feelings.^[4]"…from Wikepedia.

Sorry for this seriously weird blog post. I am just really tired. I worked a long day and have a few more long ones ahead of me…all good. But, "oy vey".

A few random other thoughts-

Joe and I have to go for fingerprinting updates on Friday at Immigration-Oy vey!

My sister and bro-in-law are heading to Disney World on Friday- no Oy Vey, but yeah!

I am seeing "my friend Susan" and Ann Marie and their darling babies on Saturday-no Oy Vey, but yeah!

I am seeing my friend Rose and her beautiful son Hao on Sunday-no Oy Vey, but Yeah!

Anonnie met her daughter!!!!-Seriously fabulous no Oy Vey!

 

April Fool!

So I called my mom and sister and told them I got a referral! Totally mean. I know. Lori reminded me the last time I did that and made her heart jump was when I April Fooled her that Joe and were going to get married….we in fact got engaged 4 months later…so, let's hope my April Fool's come true this time too!

Aunt Wendi and Addie take Manhattan

Addie wanted to go to the American Girl store so much. Addie and mommy were scheduled to come in on Friday and the plan was we were all going to go into the city and have a playdate at the store. Poor Lori has a broken toe which won't heal because Lori won't stay off of it...so walking around the city would be not in her plans. We couldn't disappoint Addie...it was all she was looking forward to during Spring break...so, Aunt Wendi went down, brought her up ...and tothe American Girl Store we went. What a day...four and half hours there...we took a lunch break..but we had to wait for her doll Rebecca to visit the Hair Salon. Two hours and $10 later, the doll's hair was brushed out, nice and straight ...five minutes and one NYC breeze later it was back to looking the same...but who cares..Addie had fun!!! We came home and pulled out the hairkit we bought her as well as the new outfit...we had a ball and suddenly although she wouldn't talk to Joe for the first half hour..she decided to do his hair too. See picture below. Too cute....I loved hanging with her...so much fun....she let me "play" her mommy and I loved every minute of it. Lori, Gregg and Syd just came up to retrieve her..but thanks for letting me borrow Addie...she is the bestest!!! xoox

PS Anonnie is back and met her daughter!!!!

I am so lame

Lori and I had a discussion about how lame our blogs are. Well, mine. Her's is still cooler than mine, according to her daughter Sydney, because it is not about adoption. Note, we believe that Sydney may think that all blogs are about is adoption because that is how she was introduced to the world of blogging.

My blog is totally lame lately. I have nothing really to say except how miserable I am about this wait.(Or happy birthday to my husband) I am tired of hearing myself complain. So, I don't really write much. I don't feel inspired to. I feel freakin' beaten up and just wounded. I am not a victim and I'm tired of playing one in cyber space. I am just a pissed off woman. And by the way, I don't' like to be that character either. I am a positive, powerful woman. By the way, that is a quote from my Coach, not from me personally…the powerful part. I am generally positive…and hate hate hate hate, did I say hate how this wait is draining me and causing me angst. Isn't this the part of motherhood supposed to be fun? To be filled with food cravings and shopping? To be filled with excitement and baby showers? By the way, I wouldn't be having a baby shower as a Jew, but that's another issue. Bottom-line…I'm tired of not being happy. I am tired of just working and burying my head into projects and paying my bills. I am tired of not having fun and living life right now. I am really not …I'm just going thru motions until I get some news about my baby. So, I announce to the world…right now… Enough being caught up in sorrow and frustration.

I am going to live in the moment. I am living life like this baby is really coming, and more importantly like I HAVE THE LIFE THAT I HAVE. Enough being lame. Thanks Lor. Now update your much better according to Sydney blog!

I am patient

17 months logged in.

Happy Birthday to my Husband Joe

 

To you my husband, I wish you health and happiness. I love you and thank you for just letting me be me.

You are the best. I love you forever.

 

Love, W

Another email message to me

"Impatience is a sign of hurrying; hurrying is a sign of worrying; worrying is a sign of fear; and fear is a sign, Wendi, that someone has temporarily forgotten that it's never too late to change their thoughts and therefore their "things." And for these reasons, time will forever be on their side.

Glad we could straighten that out -
    The Universe"

But geez….how patient do I need to be? How much more patient can I be….? Am I being punished for something that I did long ago? Am I being punished for something I didn't do? Am I an awful person? A person that doesn't deserve what I really desire? Will I just be an awful mother so this is why I am being kept away? I know all of this is horrible to think. But, I do think it sometimes. I do question why some families are blessed with 4 or 5 children. Why I have none. I don't begrudge, but when? Why isn't it me? Will it ever be my turn? My insides hurt. My head hurts. My heart is breaking. When I started this process….I was 2 younger then I am today. I am getting older and older. COME ON.

I wish I could be strong all the time. I can't be. I ache to love this child. I ache to hold my daughter in my arms. This heart has a hole in it the size of you my child.

I will be patient. I have been patient. But god damn it…I want my child already! Universe, I love you and respect you …but, it's just really hard sometimes. WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?

To my “shish” and the other “Sheeshes”…and by “Sheeshes”, I mean YOU!

 

 

Happy Easter!.....

 

HAPPY SHEESTER!

Back…and sleepy

I am tired. I think a week on the road….a weekend before that of work has just all caught up.

So, I say one thing…or maybe two…I am tired…I want my baby.

Enough said. I'll be back tomorrow for a less sleepy posting.

 

Hope you have been well.

Anonnie…how is it going?

On the road again

On a biz trip again....not much to say ....be back on Friday!

A little bit of Bat Mitzvah fun

A little feeling of magic.

Today was one of those days where everything seemed to flow. It was magical in a sense for me. I got a few new projects, clients were happy, work was extremely productive, I got my nails done, had a great dinner with an ex-client/now friend, was happy to hear my sister had had a great couple days....and my second China family friend got a referral! I mean I've seen a few Russian mamas get theirs...an Ethiopian mommy or two (hypothetically)...but believe it or not, only one of my China friends. I won't give information until it's all official official, but it's a Waiting Child, and she is just great ...and Mama is happy!!! Her older sister-a bit jealous...but it's all great. I thank her Mommy for making a special effort and calling me. It was so sweet.

Then today..I was walking down Fifth Ave on my way from a great appointment onto another...I look up...walking right across from me was a Caucasian women pushing a stroller with her beautiful Chinese daughter. In front of her was her husband with another Chinese child. Along with grandma and two older brothers. I stopped her (I know what you are thinking Lori and Sydney), but the truth is, I haven't had the heart lately to say anything when I see these wonderful blended families. Anyway, back to the tale...I stepped up beside her and whispered. "I'm a Waiting Family!" She said, "oh my god, when is your LID?" I answered. She said .."mine too!"...turned out of course, she is home two months with her beautiful baby Mackenzie. Cleft Lip (repaired)...beautiful. Precious. Wonderful.
I started to cry ..(I know what you are thinking Sydney) and she hugged me ...a stranger... but it did feel a little like magic though!


PS: I haven't been that great on my diet...need to get back on track! I put it out there go keep me accountable. Love that.

Stream of consciousness

Lori did one of these posts where she just typed what she was thinking...it helped her sort out her emotions during a stressful day. I figured, I can do the same. I am so tired. I am working so hard. I have finish up a few huge projects by Tuesday. Then on the road again. I am tired. I love it though. But I have alot of work to do. I know all this work is laying the groundwork for my life when this baby comes. But, it's tough...in a very good way. But, I'm tired. Joe and I both got little bugs after the Bat Mitzvah...my cold is coming back...I had fever the other day. I am tired. Opps, I said that. Elliott Spitzer is an asshole. How the heck could someone so stupid be so reckless. I feel so badly for his children. Long ago I was friends with the soon to be new Governor of NY's wife. I knew him too. He knew me. He would probably not remember me if we met today. He will be great. I really like him. The Bat Mitzvah was amazing. I saw s many old friends and family. I stood up on the Beema (totally spelled wrong) next to Hayley as she read her Torah. I was so proud. I was so proud of Sydney as she also nailed her reading. She was so cute and relaxed after she finished. I thought she was going to just hang out next to the rabbi all day. I was so proud. I couldn't stop crying. Why wasn't Lia-Rose there? The night before was the baby naming...it was meant to be it was that day. It was the first day of a new Jewish Month (Adar). Addie was born 7 years ago on the first day of Adar. It was meant to be. It was never meant to be Lia-Rose's naming. My sister is a fantastic mother. I envy her and am so proud. I hope she is not mad at me for making that flip remark about Camp Snuggly. I am so sorry shish. I really love her best friend Heidi. I wish I had a Heidi. I saw my sister's friend Terry and her daughter Victoria at the Bat M. Terry adopted Victoria from Vietnam years ago. They were meant to be together. It's so obvious. I cried when I saw them. It gave me hope. A reporter interviewed me today on a story about waiting families and the emotions involved in this long wait. Hello, do you think I had something to say. I am tired. I have more work to do. I will stop it's almost 11pm. I love the new season of American Idol. Just started watching it. I am so excited.My step daughter and best friend are coming to be with us for two weeks in July! Yeah!!!! O'k, I have to go. I have no idea what I just wrote. But, am glad I did. Oh yes, Anonnie...great luck. I am dieing to hear more! xxoxoox

Hayley and Sydney's Montage

Lori created this special video for the Bat Mitzvah.....I cry everytime I watch it!

Unreal

My sister is amazing. My brother in law is so incredible. My "Girls" are out of this world. This weekend was so beautiful. It was my nieces Hayley and Syd's Bat Mitzvah. They were so beautiful, elegant, and terrific. They read their Torah and Haftorah portions like pros. I am so proud of them and honored to be their Aunt Wendi.
The party my sister and brother in law threw was unbelievable. Everything was perfect. It was filled with love, and love and love. I had one of the greatest days of my life. I am so tired now and will write more about it, but I had to let my sister know how much I love her. How much I love my nieces and my brother in law. I am the luckiest girl alive to have you as my family. And, Addison, oh my god,I adore you.

Here's one picture (more coming I am sure) ...this is cousin Foster with Sydney and Hayley...my gorgeous nieces. I love you so much.

A sense

I know that I've been hormonally charged lately. But, I also know that in some sort of way, when I am at my emotionally "craziest" and by crazy I mean when I am "feeling" everything, I am also the most deeply in touch with myself and with the world around me. I am not sure that makes sense, although it really does to me I hadn't mentioned this before but last week I was sleeping,. In the middle of the night I awoke with a sharp pain right below my shoulder and above my heart. (Don't worry mommy, I am fine) It took my breath away, and for a moment I thought I had some sort of heart attack. But then suddenly my eyes flew wide open. I thought Lia-Rose. I am "feeling" my daughter. She needs me right now. Somehow this pain I was feeling was connected to her. It didn't hurt anymore in a physical way. I just know I was feeling my child. Perhaps at that moment she was in pain. Perhaps she was crying. Perhaps she was thinking of me. I know this will sound crazy to some. I don't care. I haven't felt that pain again. I am totally fine. Nothing is wrong with me. I truly believe that pain was a "wake up call". My baby is alive right now. I am sure of it. They say a mother always knows. My mom knows when I am in pain, she does. She has s sixth sense about it. It's amazing. Even though we aren't officially together now, Lia-Rose and I are already connected. I can feel her. I can. It keeps me going. It keeps me focused. It keeps my hope alive. My baby and I will be together.

PS How great is this...my new neighbors are Chinese...and they have a 12 year old daughter...I love the thought of having a young person right downstairs...a built in baby sitter that can help me communicate with my daughter. God, I sure prepare a head don't I?

 

This was an email I received today, no joke!

This just in... Wendi, no matter how happy you have ever been, even at your happiest, it won't come close to how happy you will one day be.

The plot thickens.

Trust me, I'm there now...
    The Universe