Oy, it ain’t easy

No one said life was just ice cream and apple pie. It's tough and it's challenging. I am in an interesting place. Put it this way, you know that expression are you having fun yet…well I am not. And truly, things are not THAT bad, they just aren't what I want them to be. So much of it is out of my control. Some of it I can control. I am tired and working hard. Trying to resolve some professional issues that have left me feeling disappointed yet inspired. Personally, I just cannot seem to relax. The adoption seems so unreal now. I guess I need to be in the place to get to the other side.. Please don't think I am feeling sorry for myself. For I am not. Today I learned that someone I knew growing up passed away at the ripe old age of 45. That is a tragedy. For me, it's a moment of self reflection. A chance to challenge my fear. A time to appreciate, and know that change is on the way. I am not complaining. Rest in peace MW.

Thanks for prayers

So far so good with my friend who I mentioned below. She seems to have avoided the "big c" although has a very strange strange infection that we need to be concerned about. Her spirit continues to inspire me...she is so positive and remains so faithful. I am completely in awe of her.

In other news, my nieces have left for overnight camp. I had a huge argument or let's say disagreement - with Sydney over the weekend (Syd will make an outstanding lawyer one day). She thinks that all kids must go to overnight camp and that it is awful that I wont' consider it for my daughter to be. First off, I told her, not all kids go to overnight camp (Trust me, she has no idea how hard my sister works to make that happen) and secondly, I told her, I will have waited for Lia-Rose for so long there is no way I'm not going to spend as much of her childhood with her! Not sure Syd got that, but I give the kids lots of credit for her strong opinion. Addie was delish, and I still can't imagine how hard it is for my sister and bro-in law not to see that kid every night ...Hayley was Hayley...beautiful yet tooo cool for me...but I still adore her and trust she will be Hayley again with me soon.

Anyway, Annie my stepdaughter and her bff arrive in a few weeks. I have spent alot of time cleaning up closets and such. My house looks great on the outside...pretty neat and uncluttered...but if you open some doors and drawers what lurks behind is scary. Not so much anymore though. Annie and Mel will be sleeping in Lia-Rose 's room to be ...so I cleared Lia's stuff and put it neatly in the closet. I don't have that much, but it sort of made me sad. One day soon, both of them will have their own bedroom, but for now they share.

Went to my next door neighbor's 6th grade graduation...our other neighbor who is 8 joined us. O'k, yes she is Chinese too and yes, you know what I pretended to be. Who cares, it was fun!

Somewhere out there

The night before my niece Sydney was born 13 years ago I was with my friend *, who I mentioned below. We kept singing this song to each other...and the next day Sydney Juliana was born...and my friend * certainly announced it to the world...I found this, and thought it was so appropriate to hear as I continue to send * my love and prayers.
(To OLM..I snagged this from you...but want to wish your sister only the best...)
And so it will be....

An open pray for you my friend

Dear G-D, I ask you to hold my friend * in your arms tonight. * just told me that there are a few spots on her lungs that the doctors are concerned with. * is not worried, she knows it is in your hands.

G-d I ask you to take care of her for me. For us all. She is truly one of those special people. Someone who has made a huge difference in my life and many others. A dear friend, who although I haven't seen lately, she is truly one of my best friends. I LOVE HER. I don't want her to be in pain or to be sick. Only healthy and happy. G-d, please bless her. Give her strength. Give the doctors the best tools and resources. Give her husband strength and support. Give her family love and faith.

Dear Blogger friends. I ask you to picture sunshine, smiles, giggles and love. That's my friend *. She lights up a room, brightens up a dreary day. She is truly magnificent. She is talented, brilliant, loving and oh so filled with peace. I haven't seen her in sometime.. but know, she means the world to me.

Dear *…I love you. I saw the world with you for the first time, cried with you over many broken hearts, laughed and jumped for joy with you when we both met our soulmates. We have danced together, sang together, prayed together, laughed together and supported each other for many many years. This will pass. You will be fine. My prayers go out to you…and I know you'll have many many others from all those who read these words.

You will be fine….and so it will be.

Just like this.

So sad

As someone who loves the news and politics, I am so stunned to have just heard that my favorite political newsman Tim Russert passed away. He was only 58 years of age. I feel so sad about this. Please all...take care of yourself. Life is so fleeting. This man, so filled with life and knowledge, gone. So shocking and sad.

Pretend

I have mentioned before that I have new next door neighbors that are Chinese. The father has been here for over a year, but his wife and daughter arrived about five months ago. They are all just learning English and the American ways. I love having them so close by, they are extremely nice and of course, they are also educating me on many Chinese cultures and traditions. The best part is that the Mom, Yo, knows how excited I am to become mommy to Lia-Rose. She let's me "pretend" that her daughter Jacey is mine J. Jacey is unreal. She is 11 years old, but already stands 5'5. She is looks a good five years older then she is and is, as she told me, "the tallest kid in the school!" She is also brilliant. She plays classical piano, speaks Chinese, English and Japanese, is very outgoing and saavy and just has the most refreshing spirit. I actually forget how young she is. She has a maturity about her that is truly remarkable. Her mother tells me that in China all her friends play piano, and although here she seems so talented, her mom tells me that in China, she is just average. I can't believe that.

Anyway, last night Jacey came over to visit. I know, I know, I am very weird, but it was so beautiful to see a young Chinese girl in my house. She wanted to see the baby's room. Right now, it's a combo of my stepdaughter's room and baby to be's. There's a big bed, but lots of stuffed animals and books. Jacey told me it will be perfect. This morning she was running late for the school bus and I picked her up and drove her down the street.. She got out of my car in front of all the other kids and their moms. I kissed her and said, have a great day sweetie!!! She said, "Bye, I love you!" Then I looked down at my key chain. (Jacey gave me her school picture, which they produced in a number of sizes, including making some into key tags, one is now on my key chain) Her little beautiful face smiled up at me. For a few minutes, I saw the future. And it was so nice to pretend!

Dear Hayley and Sydney,

My two oldest nieces, I miss you guys. Once upon a time, not so long ago, I was on the top of your BFF list. You called me first when something great happened. We spent hours gabbing on the phone. Now, you both are busy with school and a big social life. I am proud of you both, but my love for you is so big, and I have to say, I miss you! I hope you have a great summer at camp, and you better write.

At least Addie still digs me :)

Love you both,
Aunt Wendi aka Wendi

The brickwalls that in are in the way are there to show us how much we want something.

This song

I recently bought the SATC soundtrack. I can't stop listening to this song. The words speak loudly to me. Really a good song to narrate my journey to you Lia-Rose.

A Moment for the History Books Lia-Rose

Tonight I sit before the television set watching a man of color, the same age as me, being nominated to be the Democratic nominee for President. Behind him, a room filled with people of all different colors, shapes and sizes. This is overwhelming. Senator Obama will be our nominee for President. Wow. I have tears flowing down my face. And not because Hillary lost, but because, right now, at this very moment so many lives will change. Children will see there are no limits to what you can do. It doesn't matter what color your skin is, or shape your eyes are, or what religion you are. You too can someday be President. I was on the fence about him. I was a Hillary person and in the end voted for him. I have to believe. I have to believe. THIS IS AMAZING. Maybe the world will see us differently now. Maybe people will look at each other differently now. Maybe Obama can really change the world….for you Lia-Rose .. for you Annie and Adam… for you Hayley, Syd and Addie. ..for you Miles and Alana and Hao and the Czar. For you Joseph and Mimi... For you Olivia, for you Mia, for you Pacey, for you sweet baby Vera... for you BabyAnonnie. For us all.

..."and this was the moment!"

June 1 2003

"Congratulations Aunt Wendi and Uncle Joe. We love you."

That is a direct quote from my Build a Bear Bride doll...the voices were courtesy of my two little nieces at the time, 9 1/2 year old Hayley and 8 year Sydney. It was five years ago. It was my wedding day.

Happy Anniversary. I love you my husband. Thank you for all you do. Especially how very hard you work. You are simply the best.

And our dreams....they are our goals. We will get there soon.

Feelings

My blog is to document this journey to my daughter. I capture the good, the bad, and the ugly. So today, I share, I feel so depressed. Truly blue. I feel unsettled by some events in my life. Confused. Insecure. It is where I am today. I dreamt last night that I had to stand before a Board of Directors and tell them why I was supposed to have a child. In the dream I was renewing some sort of application with a few other families. I was selected to represent them. However, when I stood up, I instead announced that I was representing my husband and myself. I said to the Board, "all my life I wanted to be a mother. Please allow me to be." A few of the Board members smiled at me and nodded. I set down and realized how selfish I was, there were others in the same boat and I spoke about myself. I felt like a jerk. And, I woke up feeling guilty. Tommorrow is our fifth year wedding anniversary. Not as long as many, but longer then others. It does go fast. But something is missing for me. I know what it is. It is the child that was supposed to be apart of the dream we shared on our wedding day. Things have slowed down in China. We know that. But my only hope is that this is the slowest it will be. We are so close to the Olympics. I feel sad. Life is moving on, I still feel like I am constantly trying to prove myself to be a decent enough person to be a mother. To deserve this blessing. I wish I could fight the sadness away. I wish I did not feel so much. But I do.

AMAZING

It was a fantastic and incredible night. Lori and I both had a ball! Where do we start? Lori arrived at about 1...we ran out and did the big hair blow-out..came home changed and headed into the city. I live so close, but was scared with rain due and looming traffic..I didn't want to get caught. We got in early early..and were in the Will call line about two hours early. We put our time to good use and got to know the security guards who made sure we were #1 and #2 in line and also chatted it up with two other sisters..the assistant costume designer's sisters. We were about 20 feet away from the Red Carpet..I mean the Pink carpet...so we could see the crowds and photographers. After getting our tickets we went in and grabbed a box of free popcorn and Pink Vitamin Water...we then showed the usher our tickets and she informed us that we were in the same row, but on completely different sides of the hall. UGH. I walked Lori to her seat and promised to sit with her until the movie started...but, yeah, my friend arrived and we realized that the whole row was made up of people from the same group and two had cancelled. Perfect! I stayed. Anyway,we watched large big screens that were set up broadcast the happenings on the red carpet...we saw Donald Trump, Fergie, Nicki Hilton, Jennifer Gardner, Bette Midler, Ashley (or MaryKate) Olson, Mario Cantone, Willie Garson, Chris Noth, Cynthia Nixon and Carrie..I mean Sarah Jessica arrive....then they hit the lights and the President of New Line Cinema game out. It was all a fundraiser for the Fund For Public Schools, so that crew came out and introduced their organization...then brought on the writer, and Executive Director...Michael Patrick King, who's assistant is the reason we were there. He introduced them all....they were all in the Audience...we saw them from a far...there were over 5000 there...then the girls came out...they are beautiful...gorgeous...all looked fantastic. Sarah spoke..and then ...we heard it..that familiar soundtrack...that voice..."My Name is Carrie Bradshaw"...goosebumps.

WE LOVED THE MOVIE. It was a fan's dream. No spoilers...but I have to say..we all know that Charlotte adopted a beautiful Chinese girl...Lily...seeing her...made us cry. ...there is one other significant goose bump thing about Charlotte's family...but I will leave it at that...I'll say it after it opens.

It's fun..we cried..we laughed..we cried again. I LOVED IT SO. Afterwards, we went back out as the place emptied...we ran into my old friend Mario Cantone, who of course plays the wedding planner..Lori screamed his name. He looked up and said like we were in the grocery store "Oh hi Wendi"...then we were inches from Jerry Seinfeld. Lori took several pictures, and I swear to you that he gave her the dirty eye.

It was a great night. I loved that my sister was with me. That was the best part of the night for me. She lost my umbrella and her shoes...but we had the bestest time....now go see the movie...so we can talk. My hair looked better it does HERE..it was humid out!

live from radio city

We are here...we waited over twe hours..made friends with the costume designers assistant and the security dudes who flirted with us. We got frr popcorn and vitamin water...the big news is our seats are great..but seperate!!! Oh well...we are sitting together now.. So far we see mario cantone...mary kate olsn..fergie...the guy with the long hair from e...more when we can..so excited and it all aboiut the shoes...

live from radio city

We are here...we waited over twe hours..made friends with the costume designers assistant and the security dudes who flirted with us. We got frr popcorn and vitamin water...the big news is our seats are great..but seperate!!! Oh well...we are sitting together now.. So far we see mario cantone...mary kate olsn..fergie...the guy with the long hair from e...more when we can..so excited and it all aboiut the shoes...

A few things

Hi all. Happy Memorial Day! Another kick-off to summer. This time, the weather is fanastic. Just came in from a long walk, and told my husband that no matter how many times I might say I want to move, I really don't. It's so pretty here. We live on the river, nestled in little inlets. Yes, it's also true that I leave a few miles from the Lincoln Tunnel. And the City.
But for a minute, you forget, you look around and see the river, the paths, the pool, the park, the tennis court and you think you are miles away on vacation. I am very grateful for that. Oh is Lia-Rose going to love it here! Joe always says it will be so safe for her to play and for us to take strolls along the paths. Needless to say, I can't wait.

We had a very nice weekend filled with family, friends and food. My folks just left and we spent two days together. Yesterday we went to Ellis Island, which was certainly adventure. Very emotional to think that so many people came through those doors. In fact, many of my family.



We had two great dinners...one night in the City with our friend Gary and last night our friends Chris and Tim joined us. We are stuffed. For some reason, when we all get together, we eat!




And, a happy happy birthday to the sweetest friend around...my little KJO!!! She been such a great great friend. Through so many big things in my life. I love her and wish her the happiest day. I LOVE YOU LITTLE KJO!

Oh, is there anything else to talk about...not really sure...hmmm, let me think...oh yeah, I am going to a small little thing tomorrow...I AM GOING! Lori and I are set to get on that red carpet and join Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte...I'm wearing understated City Chic...I think I made that up..a really trendy Anne Klein suit with very high strappy sandals...not over done...but I will feel perfect. And, no spoilers here..we won't talk much about the movie beyond what is out there publically. So no need to worry. Did I mention, so excited!!!!

Happy Memorial Day Weekend. So life hits you hard sometime. We have all seen that with some recent events. I too, face a few minor bleeps..but all will be fine. I have my husband, my parents, my sister and my friends...both old and NEW ...who are there for me. Thank you. And when all else fails, just looking at one special face in this picture just makes me feel o'k!

What a tragedy

So much bad news lately that really hits the Chinese adoption community hard. Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife have been huge proponents for Chinese adoption. They adopted three girls from China. Last night this little girl, Maria was accidently killed in her own driveway. Horribly sad. I feel so badly for this family....I know the whole adoption community is thinking about them today.

And the dream shall never die

A few weeks ago I blogged about "My Mother and the Senator". I was so proud that my mom was honored by Senator Kennedy at a recent political event. In 1980 my mother was a delegate for him and proudly supported him at that year's convention...I still hear her shouting " We Want Ted."

Fast forward to 2008 and my mom shows up at a Rally with a dozen Kennedy for President buttons on her and the Senator, well, he got a big kick out of it and of her.

Yesterday when I heard the news about his cancer, I felt so sad. Especially for my mother. I knew how upset she would be.

Whether you agree with him or not, the Senator is a fighter. He is to be admired for all the hard work he has done and the changes he has battled to see happen.


I am so happy that my mother has this special memory with him. Here's to you Ted!

Sex, the City, Lori and Wendi

Newsflash..more to come...I am going to the Sex and the City Premiere with my sister!!!! Yes...the f'ing PREMIERE! We both are freaking out!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! We were screaming so much that my brother-in-law thought we got our referral!



See Lori's blog to see what a little Photoshop and a lot of imagination looks like. (Especially Susan!)

Sweet 13

She sparkles when she talks.

When she makes a point, SHE MAKES A POINT!
She is funny and serious at the same time.

She is warm and cuddly.

She is beautiful on the outside and inside.

She never hestitates to point out when her Aunt Wendi says something stupid.

She is fantastic at anything to do with computers and the internet.

She is very talented and has a beautiful singing voice.

She studied so hard for her Bat Mitzvah and made us all proud.

She is caring and concerned about her friends and family.


She is a great sister.


She is a fantastic niece.


She is my Sydney, and she is 13 years old today.

Dearest Syd, don't grow up to fast. Other 13 year olds I have known suddenly are too cool for me. So, even though you are really really cool, remember, I think I am cool.

I love you so much my Syd, CeCe, Sydney. You are my heart. Happy 13th Birthday!!!!

(PS This is what you get for taking a 100 pics on my computer!!! I love you Ce!)

Happy Birthday Da Bro

I am so lucky and blessed to have the greatest brother in law in the world….he is a wonderful father, husband, and friend. A great friend, a fabulous man!

Happy Birthday to you dear Gregg!

Thanks for putting up with us for all these years!!!!

 

Love, Wendi and of course Joe

Grief

I post this photo on my blog because it haunts me. For so many reasons. The parents grief, the baby that lies in their arms.I can't get my mind off of this picture. It is in today's NY TIMES, on the front page. I cried when I first saw it.

I post it to keep it here for Lia-Rose to see. Your country is in crisis. Families like your birth family are torn apart. I mourn for them. I think of you my dear daughter to be. You are in my heart today, as always.

Hundreds of miles away, yet deeply in our hearts.

A powerful earthquake today killed at least 107 people in central China, state run media reported. The quake also buried nearly 900 students, according to the Xinhua news agency. The report had no other details on the fate of the children. developing story From CNN.com

Wow...what a world. My heart is aching tonight. Our babies. Did they feel the tremors? Did someone hold them? Did they survive? It's so scary. 10,000 dead. 10,000 injured. The massive tremor was felt hundreds of miles away. My Agency has families there ....I have been communicating with one of them. Received an email yesterday in fact. They are o'k. 900 teenage girls buried. This was the strongest quake that China ever felt. China has been very open about scope of this quake, which is different then they were years ago during their last quake. No word on the pandas. 80% of the world's Pandas are there. Families sleeping outside. Usually when far away event occur, you listen. You feel bad. This is different. Our babies are there. My Lia-Rose. My friends Paul and Denise, their recent referral, Olivia. I pray someone was holding her if she felt the quake. Up and down the roads people are sleeping outside. Anxiety abounds. My China family. The family that gave life to Lia-Rose, I pray you are all o'k.

My last Mother’s Day as a Waiting Mother

This is it. I have to believe it. And so it will be!

And in the meantime, to my mother, I love you.

To my sister, you inspire me.

To my Ann Marie, Susan, Stephanie, Jocelyn and Alysa, Happy First Mother's Day. I wish you a wonderful memory filled day.

To Daniella enjoy Joseph…next year Mimi will be there.

To Anonnie, she is almost there.

To anyone else I missed, I wish you a wonderful day.

 

Join with me to celebrate Mother's Day

So I figured out how I am celebrating my Mother's Day this year....bY helping raise awareness that being an Adoptive Mother is exactly the same as having your baby biologically. Thank you to Ann Marie who pointed the fact that NBC is running a promotion Americas Favorite Mom sponsored by Teleflora. One of the categories was NON-MOM-The definition Grandparent, stepmom, or mom to adopted children, each one raising and loving a child. A priceless gift for everybody. Yes, you have read correctly, a NON MOM. Plus, Adoptive Moms have been put in the same category as Grandmom and stepmom....isn't a MOM A MOM?

Anyway, thanks to Ann Marie, they have changed the name...and if you go to the site, they indicate this...NON MOM to "Adopting Mom" Lovely, right. Just adds more salt to the wound. This new category is an insult to adoptive parents, children, siblings, adoption agencies,advocates and anyone at all who is touched by the process. This is the year 2008 people...what kind of stupid jerk created the category name "NON MOM". And to top it off...it has already ran on NBC as NON MOM. They ran all the nominees last week. The big show...and the category change from NON to Adopting will run tomorrow night.

We need to use this opportunity to spell out the NBC, TELEFLORAL and the World.......ADOPTIVE OR BIOLOGICAL MOMS...are that...they are MOMS. This category is absolutely insulting to millions of families. Matt, Meredith, Ann, Al, Donnie and Marie...you need to become aware of this and help us get this message across.

NBC, I demand you make a statement about this. This is unacceptable. Take this opportunity to talk about adoption ...but do not categorize adoptive families as being different. A mother's love is a mother's love. Whether my child comes through me or to me....she is mine. She is love.


There's a campaign going on...and I stole this information from another blog:

A phone number to call and complain (1-800-Teleflora - 1-800-225-7435) and this information if you want to write a complaint-AFM TV LLC
11444 W. Olympic Blvd., 10th Floor
Los Angeles, CA 90064
Attn: Chief Legal Officer
Fax: (310) 966-5758

People are emailing the Today Show - Today@NBCUNI.com and some are even emailing Donnie and Marie to send complaints. Someone called this number 212-664-4249 and got a live person to complain to (whom she said agreed with her).

Sex and the City: Alternate Ending 1 (HBO)

So, not that there are not more important things going on in the world. But, I think, in moments of pure stress, I remember, that THE movie is coming out soon and I get really really happy. I can't wait...so I was fiddling about on Youtube, by the way who fiddles about? Any way, I was playing around and found this. It's an alternate ending to the series. But, I guess seeing this,and seeing Charlotte...and thinking of what we are all going through. It made me cry. I love it. Not that Carrie might have married the Russian...but the Charlotte part. Which was in the actual ending, but seeing it now...really hit home.

Anyway....the big news is, I know who Anonnie is (wink).

KJo, I know you are about to email me to ask who! My lips are sealed ....

Welcome Olivia

As I mentioned a few posts back, friends that we met through this process finally received their referral. Their wonderful daughter is now almost home! Pictures posted here! How great to have back to back posts with my friend's babies!

By the way...last night my hubby said he dreamt we were in London. We were walking and I was coming around a corner with a pram and a beautiful Chinese baby in it! I love that he is dreaming of her too!

Mazel Tov and Welcome Home to Miles

Stop by and see my friend Stephanie's handsome new addition! Go here!

Am I wrong?

I have been reading a ton of blogs lately, some with log in's right before me, others several months after...so many of you are shopping and preparing. Painting the nursery, buying clothes and making plans. Family members are giving gifts and helping with the planning. I have to tell you, aside from a few outfits and books, nothing happening here. I have mentioned before that as Jews it is not customary to begin bringing things into the house until the baby is born, but regardless of that, I am not compelled to do more right now. Is that being negative. Should I be doing more? I feel so badly and worried that even though thus is one hell of a long pregnancy, I will one day be completely unprepared. But regardless, the optimisim I read on the blogs that are activily preparing is so wonderful. I want to feel that way too....u believe. I need to again.

Yeah...someone I know got a referral!

Thank god! Finally. Our friends P&D are proud parents today! They received a referral! They were sort of a benchmark for a few of us. We actually had several get togethers with them...counting down the days. They waited approximately about 27 months for referral. A one year old baby is going to be in their arms soon....we hope!

For my birthday I got a check and giftcard ...I spent the money wisely and bought this painting
....from an auction for Love Without Boundries...all money raised goes to Orphans in China. If you notice, in the corner a piece of paper. It's actually from a Fortune cookie I just opened...it says "your plans will succeed".

Everyone keeps saying that China is really going to slow down its referrals through the Olympics. I have added a counter at the top.

Come on...let's get it moving....only three months more of this...and then, maybe we will see some changes.....

The torch is in Hong Kong..we are getting close.

Back to reality

The joyfulness of the last few days was such a great break for me. I am so tired and exhausted my friends. I feel spent. This adoption process is truly the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I just read that they have halted adoptions in Vietnam. I feel so sorry for those families who were patiently in line waiting, and all their dreams have been squashed. It's so unfair. And I am so god-damn tired of being angry. But it's so unfair that there are children who need families. And, we wait. We sit and we move through life and remain faithful...but who the hell knows anymore. I sound angry. I am. I am tired. So tired of just dreaming. Of always being the one who dreams about it. I am tired of remaining optmistic. I am tired of saying "it will happen". I am tired of this. What if it doesn't? I spoke to my Agency today. They have no updates. Everyone is at a loss for words. This hurts more then you can imagine...although I know there are so many of you out there that understands. I am crying. I am tired. I don't know anymore. Back to reality.

Birthday "hangover" and 18 months!

Wow....what a whirlwind weekend of birthday celebration and just "good times" I have had. I can't thank the wonderful people in my life who made this weekend so special to me. It started Friday night with a gathering of some great friends at a favorite restaurant of mine, Calle Ocho. The Latin inspired menu and ambiance created a huge party atmosphere. The food was great...the company of wonderful friends...some who have known for years, others, in the last few. We had a blast.

Earlier in the day, my new neighbors, who recently moved here from China, surprised me with a beautiful gift.
Direct from Beijing. I have already hung up near Lia-Rose's bedroom. It was so sweet. The mother, who speaks in broken English said to me, "Wendi, you do not have to go to China to get your baby." I looked at her thinking "What?"...she then pointed to her 12 year old daughter (who is about 5'6) and said, "I will give you mine!"


Yesterday, my cousins surprised me with a fantastic lunch at the Plaza Hotel, along with a beautiful bracelet and specially made birthday dessert! Dinner across the street last night at my friends' home....(it's his birthday today) and more great food, wine and cards.


I got flowers and chocolates and a brand new Ipod, and candles, and a great book about motherhood and a toy for Lia-Rose. I got gift certificates and checks. I got earrings. I got homemade artwork from my friend's daughter. It was a wonderful, and perfect birthday, with the love that was given to me...the greatest gift of all.


And today, it's 18 months we are logged in....19 months since are file was sent to China, and two years since the whole process started. I heard Barack Obama say that the campaign is so long that babies who were born when it started are now walking and talking. Same thing here. In fact, we could have gone through two pregnancies!
Anyway...thanks to all who made my day so special.

My birthday party!

Another year

When we started this process I had just turned 45 years old. Somewhere in China my dusty file sits. Inside it talks about how this 45 year old woman, who has never had children, cannot wait to bring her little Baby home from China. Somewhere there is a picture of me in China. Maybe my hair is less gray (although truth be told I color it every four weeks), I was certainly a bit heavier, and most definitely a bit younger. Tomorrow, that same woman whose file is in China, turns 47 years old. I truly can't believe it. You know how when you were 32 and 45 seemed so old. Now, it's so young to me. Now 50 is young to me!

So, I won't freak out that so many years have gone by since I started this adoption process. Honestly, the baby making process started long before our file was sent to China. So actually, it's much longer than two years that I've been trying to bring my family together. More like 5 years. But, that is not the point.

I will celebrate tomorrow night with some great friends at a favorite restaurant on the Upper West Side. I can't wait. I hope this is the last year I celebrate without you Lia-Rose. You are the only gift I want.

Thank you my sister for a wonderful post..read this!

The wonders of the Universe

As I get older or perhaps more grounded in who I am, the ability to trust the Universe becomes increasingly easier. The old adage, when one door closes five doors open has never been truer for me. The people who I needed to show up amazed me and appeared. This week I am blown away that in a mere matter of hours, things shifted...as I needed.

Roadblocks lifted, tolerations banished, change happening. It overwhelms me, this wonderful sense of truly watching these wonderful opportunities pan out. This, if you wonder, is not about the adoption. But, the magic of these much needed miracles help me remain more faithful then ever that my daughter will be my daughter… when she supposed to be.

My Annie

It is my step-daughter Annie's 15th birthday today.
I haven't seen in about a year and half...(she lives in Australia!) and I can't wait till this Summer when she is here with us for a few weeks. She is a sensational person. Mature, beautiful and extra special. I am blessed to be her Step-mum!

Happy Birthday my Annie!!!!

I love you.

When you set out on a journey and have a clear vision of what it is you want, even the bumps in the road are just used to pepper your story. They add the flavor to the meal so to speak. It seems lately that although my goal is so clear, things arise that catch me by surprise. I am proud of myself for really staying the course, but it is all very challenging none the less. Although this may read cryptically, I realized this week, that sometimes people are not who you really thought there were, words on paper are sometimes not what you think they read and that sometimes just relying on yourself and on what your instincts tell you truly are the best course of action.


Anyway, a Happy Passover to all. I celebrated the first night of the holiday with my family in South Jersey. My poor husband was sick to his stomach and although I wanted to stay home with him, he insisted that I go....he was missed. I told Addie that this year would be the last year she was the youngest at the Sedar dinner. Next year Lia will be with us hopefully. This was the third year in a row that she was in my thoughts on Passover. I hope that next year she will be at the table beside me.

My birthday is this week and I am turning another year older. Perhaps another year wiser. Between Passover and my birthday, this season is always very special and memorable to me. It's my step-daughter's birthday tomororw as well as the 5th birthday of when we brought the loveable Molly, my dog, home. Spring brings me promises of happiness and reflection. It always truly feels like rebirth. So, may this be my last Spring without you dear little Lia-Rose. Next Spring you'll be home...oh please oh please ...

Lost in translation

So as you may or may not know, last week (see April 9^th post) an article ran about the Chinese adoption wait times and I was quoted. I googled myself, just because I have nothing better to do, yeah right, and a bunch of new links came up. Apparently the article was picked up by a bunch of news outlets. I told Joe to Google me, and he did, finding a Chinese news website carrying the story. I got really excited. Who knows who could see it! So we decided to translate the article expecting it to read exactly as it did in English. Except…it didn't. Here's how it translated by Google translator=

Also with the same predicament of the 46-year-old Wendi Caplan-Carroll. 儘管Wnedi經歷了兩次婚姻，但她膝下並沒有子女。 Despite Wnedi went through two marriages, but she below knee and without children. 最初，她希望收養手續能在13個月裏完成。 Initially, she hoped that adoption procedures in the 13 months to complete. 但現在，整個流程已經走了整整2年了，還看不見結束的那一天。 But now, the entire process has been taking a full two years, also see the end of the day. "有些人已經放棄了，另外的家庭改為收養衣索比亞兒童了。我們不會滿世界的尋找孩子，我們把所有心思都押在中國的機會上面了。當你想孩子已經想瘋了的時候，再說放下已經很難了。" "Some people have given up, and the adoption of Ethiopia to the family of the children. We would not be complacent about the world looking for their children, we all thought were remanded in China the opportunity to above. When you want to have children to crazy time has been difficult to put aside a repeat. "

 

Now I realize that the translator is not exact, but two marriages! Yikes!!! For the record…I've been married once, and my knees above and below are just fine. You just never know what gets lost in translation!

Sex and the Weekend

How very inappropriate for my adoption blog! Now what were you thinking. I was referring to the fact that I spent a good portion of some "down" time this weekend watching old Sex and the City reruns. I can't tell you how spending that time took me back about 8 years. Back to the days of living on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, living in my 400 square foot fourth floor brownstone walkup on West 81^st Street. I loved that little (and I mean little) apartment. To me it was my sanctuary, my castle in the sky. I used to love climbing up the fire escape onto the roof and spy down on all the backyards of the brownstones below. My life then was good, albeit, lonely at times. I dated, I saw my friends, I worked, I drank cosmopolitans (no joke), I dreamed of a steady boyfriend. I shopped, I worked in political campaigns and fell in love with these little babies –my nieces who entered my life during these days.

It definitely was a simpler time. I had literally no food in my apartment. Why cook for one when the Shining Star diner was two blocks away? They knew me by name and had my favorite meal –Chicken on top of a big salad, pickles, decaf and melba toasts on the side (Yep, I guess not everything has changed) ready before I even sat down.

Life was about dreaming. Dreaming of my future. Longing for my partner. I related so much to the girls in Sex and the City. It seemed like their lives were imitating parts of my own. I had my Mr. Big definitely two Bergers and I believe that Joe in a sense, is my Aidan.

When I watched this weekend, it came all back to me. I felt like that thirty-something year old again. I felt the angst. The excitement. The hysteria. I am so happy that my life is where it is today. I wonder; when the movie comes out, will the girls seem settled. Will their dreams come true? I know that Charlotte has a daughter from China. I find that wonderfully ironic.

But the big takeaway I came away with this weekend is this…when I was in my thirties and living in the City , I was WAITING for a man. I felt at times like my life was on hold. I didn't realize how much I had back then. I enjoyed it, but why not more? I was waiting for my life to begin-or better stated-waiting to meet Mr. Right. I spent far too many hours not enjoying what I had then but merely focused on what I didn't have. They truly were the good old days. So as I wait for my baby, and dream for what it will be with her, I need to savor every moment of this..right now and enjoy. For one day, this too shall be the good old days…waiting or not.

Dreams...

As you may know, I love to document any important dreams I have may have. I had one last night. Maybe less of a dream, and more of a "vision". I was drifting to sleep, in fact, I may have been asleep dreaming that I was drifting to sleep. Joe was away last night so I was sleeping in my big bed by myself. As I was falling asleep I felt a presence. There were four men..older Chinese men, wrapped in very ancient robes. (No joke) I remember not feeling scared at all. In fact, very very safe. They said to me..."we are your daughter's ancestors. Her grandfathers and great-grandfathers. We will bring her to you but wanted to make sure you were safe. We wanted to know who you are."....that's it...I don't remember anymore, but woke up feeling much less anxious and strangely confident.

An article.....and yes that is me.

I am glad that Lia-Rose will see this article one day. I had been interviewed several weeks ago by an AP reporter.

NEW YORK (AP) -- China remains the country of choice for thousands of Americans seeking to adopt a child, but the time frame for new applications is now often triple what it was a few years ago and many families are enduring uncertain, emotionally draining waits.
"I've gone up and down with it - like a roller coaster ride," said Barbara Duarte Esgalhado, a single mother in Manhattan. She has a 7-year-old daughter adopted from China and filed paperwork in January 2006 for a second adoption that has yet to materialize.
"You find yourself rethinking it a lot more - is this still a good idea?" said Duarte Esgalhado, a 50-year-old writer and psychologist.
Her daughter, Uma, was a big fan of getting a sister when the idea surfaced three years ago. Now, she's ambivalent. "A 4-year-old thinks differently about a sibling than an 7-year-old," her mother said.
The longer waits - projected at three or four years for many new applicants - officially are attributed to the large number of foreigners trying to adopt from China coupled with a smaller pool of available children and a slower review process. The China Center of Adoption Affairs, long respected for its ethics and efficiency, avoids specific promises about how long applications might take.
Infant girls by the thousands are abandoned every year in China, and the nation has been America's top source of foreign adopted children since 2000. But the annual total fell to 5,453 last year, down from a peak of 7,906 in 2005, and further declines are expected as part of an overall drop in foreign adoptions.
Texas-based Great Wall China Adoption, one of the largest agencies focusing on China, says its annual caseload is down by half.
"Unfortunately we've had families who have decided to withdraw from the process," said Great Wall spokesman Leigh Ann Graf. "We have some families who are very angry about the wait times - and others looking at the time as a way to get all those things in that they won't be able to do after they become parents."
The uncertainty has fueled rumors and speculation within the tight-knit community of Americans who have adopted from China or hope to do so. Some believe the longer waits are part of a temporary Chinese effort to scale back international adoptions ahead of the Beijing Olympics in August. Others wonder if China may be phasing out foreign adoptions almost entirely.
"Our agency made clear our wait could be three years, four, five - they just don't know," said Mike Suomi, a Manhattan architect. He and his wife, Jenn, have applied to adopt a second child to become a sister to 5-year-old Olivia, whom they adopted from China in November 2003.
"China is becoming an economic powerhouse," Suomi said. "As far as we know, there's an embarrassment factor to having an inability to take care of your own children."
The Suomis are working with Spence-Chapin, a venerable New York-area adoption agency whose caseload for China has dropped sharply due to the delays. Ann Hassan, the agency's China coordinator, said the wait can be much shorter if parents agree to adopt a child with a physical handicap such as a cleft palate or congenital heart disease.
The Suomis, both in their early 40s, are willing to consider such a child, depending on specifics of the impairment. They also considered adopting from elsewhere in the Far East but found South Korea, Vietnam and Taiwan unworkable for varying reasons.
"China always was the top preference," said Jenn Suomi. "There's no funny business, no corruption, no black market."
They're intent on persisting with the China application, and they work hard to help Olivia handle the longer-than-expected wait for the sibling she wants to call Mei Mei - "little sister" in Mandarin.
"Let's say we wait four years - Olivia will be 9," said her father. "We'll be four years older. That's very hard for us. ... We're ready now, and now we have to wait."
Steve and Katherine Curtis, who live in the Long Island town of Babylon, are trying to adopt a second daughter from China to be a sister to Amelia, who was adopted in September 2006 and turned 2 in December.
"We're always thinking of her," said Steve Curtis, an auto company executive. "Absolutely we think it would be helpful for her to have someone to have a shared experience with."
Their new application was registered last October. They have no clear idea how long it will take.
"We're braced for fact it could be three more years," Curtis said. "You do all you can. Then it's up to the powers that be."
Some applicants feel they're in a particularly precarious position. Theresa Fierro, a third-grade teacher from Clifton, N.J., is a single mother who - like Barbara Duarte Esgalhado - got her current application filed in 2006 shortly before China changed its rules to exclude most single parents.
"The wait is causing some fear," said Fierro, 50, who has a 5-year-old daughter adopted from China. "And it's tough to plan. ... Should I work summer school or not? Should I go on vacation or not?"
For Joann Nix, 48, of Mastic Beach, N.Y., the wait adds to frustrations that had been building up over years of futile fertility treatments.
She and her husband registered two years ago to adopt a Chinese child. They now fear the slowdown could hurt their chances of seeking a second adoption later on.
"It gets torturous some times," Nix said. "There are thousands of kids in this world who need good homes. We want just one."
In a similar predicament is Wendi Caplan-Carroll, 46, of Secaucus, N.J. She has no children of her own, though her husband has two from a prior marriage. She initially hoped an adoption from China could be completed in about 13 months. Now the process has been under way for two years, with no sure end in sight.
"I know some people who gave up, others who decided to adopt from Ethiopia," she said.
"We're not shopping around - we have our heart set on China. It's hard to give up when you want something so desperately."

I had to post this

There is a little being in my life who sits by my side all the time and looks up to me with only the sweetest looks. She is like a big stuffed animal and like I always say, "I love this dog"!

She loves me...she really really loves me!

This is my Molly, my beautiful "TT"...Tibetan terrier. See the before and after pictures from her recent groom. I know, it doesn't look all that different, but trust me it is.

A lopsided weekend

Saturday sucked. Sunday was wonderful.
I had the best of plans on Saturday. To meet up with my girls...Ann Marie and Susan, and more importantly the Czar and Monkey Girl. I felt it coming on on Friday night. Saturday morning, I ambitiously got in the car thinking that some coffee from the Bagel Buffet would help, but, god it was terrible. I turned around. A bad headache was coming. I had to cancel, and I am so sorry. I ended up taking two Tylenol pm and slept the day away. Of course, I wake up and feel much better and it's midnight or so. I pretty much stayed up all night.

Anyway, this morning I was good. A little wiped out, but really fine and thank goodness for that. Joe and I spent the day with our friends Rose and John and their precious Hao. Rose and John were in our original travel group and in June of last year decided that one special boy in China was waiting for them. And he sure is special. So delicate and sweet. Rose, if you are reading this I want you to know how much it meant for me to be with your baby boy. It gave me faith again. It gave me hope. I even bought three books from the toddler section of Barnes and Noble tonight. It can happen. It will happen. Thank you for helping me remember.

Also, if you get the chance, watch this video. This is mom...and ...ahem..Senator Kennedy, who honored my mother for her support of him! I am so proud, and I know my mother gets embarrassed when I mention her...but how cute is she? I am so happy that we have this on video.

It’s a boy!!!!

Mazel tov my little mommy Stephanie!!! He is so delicious and cute I can't stand him!!!! I love you and I know your are going to be the greatest and most beautiful mommy!!! Now go get him!

The pregnant man

It's true. I saw him. I saw a man who was pregnant. A man with as he says, "a small penis" is pregnant. His body bloated with baby and man body hair. Of course you know that this man was once a woman. He knew he wanted children one day and he kept his reproductive organs. He was a beautiful man. And, as weird as it was to watch. I was happy for him. His dream was coming true. His wife and her children were thrilled and excited. Something he said spoke out to me. He said, and I am paraphrasing, "I have the human right to give birth, to have a child." It made me cry. Cry tears of frustration and anger and despair. I have this right. YOU too have this right. This process feels so hard because it feels like this right is being just taken a way from me. My body denied me. I knew my road was adoption. I have the right to mother just as a man, who formally was a woman, has the right to have a child. Why are our rights being denied?

My friend Elizabeth comments in the post below that maybe its time to take her rose colored glasses off. Things are moving very very slowly. Even word of a new waiting child's list has been silenced. NOTHING is happening. Our friends, Paul and Denise, may miss the cut-off by one day. They have waited over two years.

As much attraction and optimism and belief as I throw out there to the world, Nothing is happening. I always put on the smile. I always am the one who says it's o'k. But you know what. It just isn't anymore. It's not o'k. It's not o'k that there are thousands of babies who need moms and dads, and we wait and are scrutinized and we are just denied. I am truly at a place tonight where this doesn't feel like it's going to happen. I will always be the great Auntie to all the babies and children in my life, and I am grateful for that. But, I am sorry, I want more. I need more.

My friends. I do not know anymore. It doesn't make sense, and it really hurts. *I add I am very PMS, so pardon this rant, but it actually feels good to get it off my chest. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I just want to exhale and believe again. But, I am worn out from believing. So tomorrow when I stand in line to get my expired fingerprints taken, I don't know how I'll feel. I am not a quitter. Never have been. But ....I don't know what to think anymore. I shout out to the UNIVERSE...I, TOO, LIKE THE PREGNANT MAN, HAVE THE RIGHT TO HAVE A CHILD. I WILL NOT BE DENIED. HELP ME BELIEVE AGAIN, PLEASE.

PS I am not looking for sympathy. I am not a victim. I have so many friends who are in the same place as me right now. I am just very sad.

Seriously….oy vey

"Oy vey". First off all, isn't "oy vey" just the greatest two words. I mean, it's so easy to make your point when you simply say, "oy vey". When you hear it…you know that it must be …well it must be.."oy vey!"…So, "oy vey", I am seriously tired. Tired of this whole thing. Tired of this process. Tired of trying to be patient and pleasant. This sucks big time. The lastest rumors have the China adoption community up in arms. The fact that they might be matching a huge batch..well huge according to no one batch of 5 days. That is a serious, "OY VEY". "OY VEY" "OY F'ing VEY"

And by the way : In 2001, California State Assembly
Speaker, Robert Hertzberg (D-Van Nuys), compiled a 31 page Yiddish dictionary for his colleagues and of the word "oy vey" he defined it as "an untranslatable expression used for a variety of negative feelings.^[4]"…from Wikepedia.

Sorry for this seriously weird blog post. I am just really tired. I worked a long day and have a few more long ones ahead of me…all good. But, "oy vey".

A few random other thoughts-

Joe and I have to go for fingerprinting updates on Friday at Immigration-Oy vey!

My sister and bro-in-law are heading to Disney World on Friday- no Oy Vey, but yeah!

I am seeing "my friend Susan" and Ann Marie and their darling babies on Saturday-no Oy Vey, but yeah!

I am seeing my friend Rose and her beautiful son Hao on Sunday-no Oy Vey, but Yeah!

Anonnie met her daughter!!!!-Seriously fabulous no Oy Vey!

 

April Fool!

So I called my mom and sister and told them I got a referral! Totally mean. I know. Lori reminded me the last time I did that and made her heart jump was when I April Fooled her that Joe and were going to get married….we in fact got engaged 4 months later…so, let's hope my April Fool's come true this time too!

Aunt Wendi and Addie take Manhattan

Addie wanted to go to the American Girl store so much. Addie and mommy were scheduled to come in on Friday and the plan was we were all going to go into the city and have a playdate at the store. Poor Lori has a broken toe which won't heal because Lori won't stay off of it...so walking around the city would be not in her plans. We couldn't disappoint Addie...it was all she was looking forward to during Spring break...so, Aunt Wendi went down, brought her up ...and tothe American Girl Store we went. What a day...four and half hours there...we took a lunch break..but we had to wait for her doll Rebecca to visit the Hair Salon. Two hours and $10 later, the doll's hair was brushed out, nice and straight ...five minutes and one NYC breeze later it was back to looking the same...but who cares..Addie had fun!!! We came home and pulled out the hairkit we bought her as well as the new outfit...we had a ball and suddenly although she wouldn't talk to Joe for the first half hour..she decided to do his hair too. See picture below. Too cute....I loved hanging with her...so much fun....she let me "play" her mommy and I loved every minute of it. Lori, Gregg and Syd just came up to retrieve her..but thanks for letting me borrow Addie...she is the bestest!!! xoox

PS Anonnie is back and met her daughter!!!!

I am so lame

Lori and I had a discussion about how lame our blogs are. Well, mine. Her's is still cooler than mine, according to her daughter Sydney, because it is not about adoption. Note, we believe that Sydney may think that all blogs are about is adoption because that is how she was introduced to the world of blogging.

My blog is totally lame lately. I have nothing really to say except how miserable I am about this wait.(Or happy birthday to my husband) I am tired of hearing myself complain. So, I don't really write much. I don't feel inspired to. I feel freakin' beaten up and just wounded. I am not a victim and I'm tired of playing one in cyber space. I am just a pissed off woman. And by the way, I don't' like to be that character either. I am a positive, powerful woman. By the way, that is a quote from my Coach, not from me personally…the powerful part. I am generally positive…and hate hate hate hate, did I say hate how this wait is draining me and causing me angst. Isn't this the part of motherhood supposed to be fun? To be filled with food cravings and shopping? To be filled with excitement and baby showers? By the way, I wouldn't be having a baby shower as a Jew, but that's another issue. Bottom-line…I'm tired of not being happy. I am tired of just working and burying my head into projects and paying my bills. I am tired of not having fun and living life right now. I am really not …I'm just going thru motions until I get some news about my baby. So, I announce to the world…right now… Enough being caught up in sorrow and frustration.

I am going to live in the moment. I am living life like this baby is really coming, and more importantly like I HAVE THE LIFE THAT I HAVE. Enough being lame. Thanks Lor. Now update your much better according to Sydney blog!

I am patient

17 months logged in.

Happy Birthday to my Husband Joe

 

To you my husband, I wish you health and happiness. I love you and thank you for just letting me be me.

You are the best. I love you forever.

 

Love, W

Another email message to me

"Impatience is a sign of hurrying; hurrying is a sign of worrying; worrying is a sign of fear; and fear is a sign, Wendi, that someone has temporarily forgotten that it's never too late to change their thoughts and therefore their "things." And for these reasons, time will forever be on their side.

Glad we could straighten that out -
    The Universe"

But geez….how patient do I need to be? How much more patient can I be….? Am I being punished for something that I did long ago? Am I being punished for something I didn't do? Am I an awful person? A person that doesn't deserve what I really desire? Will I just be an awful mother so this is why I am being kept away? I know all of this is horrible to think. But, I do think it sometimes. I do question why some families are blessed with 4 or 5 children. Why I have none. I don't begrudge, but when? Why isn't it me? Will it ever be my turn? My insides hurt. My head hurts. My heart is breaking. When I started this process….I was 2 younger then I am today. I am getting older and older. COME ON.

I wish I could be strong all the time. I can't be. I ache to love this child. I ache to hold my daughter in my arms. This heart has a hole in it the size of you my child.

I will be patient. I have been patient. But god damn it…I want my child already! Universe, I love you and respect you …but, it's just really hard sometimes. WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?

To my “shish” and the other “Sheeshes”…and by “Sheeshes”, I mean YOU!

 

 

Happy Easter!.....

 

HAPPY SHEESTER!

Back…and sleepy

I am tired. I think a week on the road….a weekend before that of work has just all caught up.

So, I say one thing…or maybe two…I am tired…I want my baby.

Enough said. I'll be back tomorrow for a less sleepy posting.

 

Hope you have been well.

Anonnie…how is it going?

On the road again

On a biz trip again....not much to say ....be back on Friday!

A little bit of Bat Mitzvah fun

A little feeling of magic.

Today was one of those days where everything seemed to flow. It was magical in a sense for me. I got a few new projects, clients were happy, work was extremely productive, I got my nails done, had a great dinner with an ex-client/now friend, was happy to hear my sister had had a great couple days....and my second China family friend got a referral! I mean I've seen a few Russian mamas get theirs...an Ethiopian mommy or two (hypothetically)...but believe it or not, only one of my China friends. I won't give information until it's all official official, but it's a Waiting Child, and she is just great ...and Mama is happy!!! Her older sister-a bit jealous...but it's all great. I thank her Mommy for making a special effort and calling me. It was so sweet.

Then today..I was walking down Fifth Ave on my way from a great appointment onto another...I look up...walking right across from me was a Caucasian women pushing a stroller with her beautiful Chinese daughter. In front of her was her husband with another Chinese child. Along with grandma and two older brothers. I stopped her (I know what you are thinking Lori and Sydney), but the truth is, I haven't had the heart lately to say anything when I see these wonderful blended families. Anyway, back to the tale...I stepped up beside her and whispered. "I'm a Waiting Family!" She said, "oh my god, when is your LID?" I answered. She said .."mine too!"...turned out of course, she is home two months with her beautiful baby Mackenzie. Cleft Lip (repaired)...beautiful. Precious. Wonderful.
I started to cry ..(I know what you are thinking Sydney) and she hugged me ...a stranger... but it did feel a little like magic though!


PS: I haven't been that great on my diet...need to get back on track! I put it out there go keep me accountable. Love that.

Stream of consciousness

Lori did one of these posts where she just typed what she was thinking...it helped her sort out her emotions during a stressful day. I figured, I can do the same. I am so tired. I am working so hard. I have finish up a few huge projects by Tuesday. Then on the road again. I am tired. I love it though. But I have alot of work to do. I know all this work is laying the groundwork for my life when this baby comes. But, it's tough...in a very good way. But, I'm tired. Joe and I both got little bugs after the Bat Mitzvah...my cold is coming back...I had fever the other day. I am tired. Opps, I said that. Elliott Spitzer is an asshole. How the heck could someone so stupid be so reckless. I feel so badly for his children. Long ago I was friends with the soon to be new Governor of NY's wife. I knew him too. He knew me. He would probably not remember me if we met today. He will be great. I really like him. The Bat Mitzvah was amazing. I saw s many old friends and family. I stood up on the Beema (totally spelled wrong) next to Hayley as she read her Torah. I was so proud. I was so proud of Sydney as she also nailed her reading. She was so cute and relaxed after she finished. I thought she was going to just hang out next to the rabbi all day. I was so proud. I couldn't stop crying. Why wasn't Lia-Rose there? The night before was the baby naming...it was meant to be it was that day. It was the first day of a new Jewish Month (Adar). Addie was born 7 years ago on the first day of Adar. It was meant to be. It was never meant to be Lia-Rose's naming. My sister is a fantastic mother. I envy her and am so proud. I hope she is not mad at me for making that flip remark about Camp Snuggly. I am so sorry shish. I really love her best friend Heidi. I wish I had a Heidi. I saw my sister's friend Terry and her daughter Victoria at the Bat M. Terry adopted Victoria from Vietnam years ago. They were meant to be together. It's so obvious. I cried when I saw them. It gave me hope. A reporter interviewed me today on a story about waiting families and the emotions involved in this long wait. Hello, do you think I had something to say. I am tired. I have more work to do. I will stop it's almost 11pm. I love the new season of American Idol. Just started watching it. I am so excited.My step daughter and best friend are coming to be with us for two weeks in July! Yeah!!!! O'k, I have to go. I have no idea what I just wrote. But, am glad I did. Oh yes, Anonnie...great luck. I am dieing to hear more! xxoxoox

Hayley and Sydney's Montage

Lori created this special video for the Bat Mitzvah.....I cry everytime I watch it!

Unreal

My sister is amazing. My brother in law is so incredible. My "Girls" are out of this world. This weekend was so beautiful. It was my nieces Hayley and Syd's Bat Mitzvah. They were so beautiful, elegant, and terrific. They read their Torah and Haftorah portions like pros. I am so proud of them and honored to be their Aunt Wendi.
The party my sister and brother in law threw was unbelievable. Everything was perfect. It was filled with love, and love and love. I had one of the greatest days of my life. I am so tired now and will write more about it, but I had to let my sister know how much I love her. How much I love my nieces and my brother in law. I am the luckiest girl alive to have you as my family. And, Addison, oh my god,I adore you.

Here's one picture (more coming I am sure) ...this is cousin Foster with Sydney and Hayley...my gorgeous nieces. I love you so much.

A sense

I know that I've been hormonally charged lately. But, I also know that in some sort of way, when I am at my emotionally "craziest" and by crazy I mean when I am "feeling" everything, I am also the most deeply in touch with myself and with the world around me. I am not sure that makes sense, although it really does to me I hadn't mentioned this before but last week I was sleeping,. In the middle of the night I awoke with a sharp pain right below my shoulder and above my heart. (Don't worry mommy, I am fine) It took my breath away, and for a moment I thought I had some sort of heart attack. But then suddenly my eyes flew wide open. I thought Lia-Rose. I am "feeling" my daughter. She needs me right now. Somehow this pain I was feeling was connected to her. It didn't hurt anymore in a physical way. I just know I was feeling my child. Perhaps at that moment she was in pain. Perhaps she was crying. Perhaps she was thinking of me. I know this will sound crazy to some. I don't care. I haven't felt that pain again. I am totally fine. Nothing is wrong with me. I truly believe that pain was a "wake up call". My baby is alive right now. I am sure of it. They say a mother always knows. My mom knows when I am in pain, she does. She has s sixth sense about it. It's amazing. Even though we aren't officially together now, Lia-Rose and I are already connected. I can feel her. I can. It keeps me going. It keeps me focused. It keeps my hope alive. My baby and I will be together.

PS How great is this...my new neighbors are Chinese...and they have a 12 year old daughter...I love the thought of having a young person right downstairs...a built in baby sitter that can help me communicate with my daughter. God, I sure prepare a head don't I?

 

This was an email I received today, no joke!

This just in... Wendi, no matter how happy you have ever been, even at your happiest, it won't come close to how happy you will one day be.

The plot thickens.

Trust me, I'm there now...
    The Universe

I am loving Anonnie

If you have been reading my blog the last few weeks, you have read all about Anonnie. (See comments) I am not even sure that Anonnie is a real person..she is an angel...and seems to always say just what I need to hear...If you read my hormonally charged post below, you read that I've felt somewhat neglected. I know it sounds childish and selfish, but one of the best parts of being an expectant parent is the journey leading up to the birth of the baby. Unfortunetly, for those of us on the Adoption rollercoaster, it seems those rules don't apply. And I'm not talking about participating in cyber showers or secret pal clubs. I'm talking about the general world outside of US. Those that seem to have taken the fact that we too are expecting, for granted. I don't care if it takes 9 months or 9 years. This pregnancy and my child will mean just as much as the one that takes place biologically. Anyway, I digress. Anonnie asked me a bunch of those questions I've been aching to answer...thank you my friend. And not that anyone but me really cares, I'll answer them. Feel free to answer these wonderful questions on your blog too. Remember, you are having a baby!!!!
How did you pick the name Lia-Rose? : I was in the bath one day. Originally L-R's name was going to be Sophie Rose. But one day I was in the bath, my eyes closed and it came to me. As clear as day...Lia-Rose.Lia-Rose would be the perfect way to remember my sister in law Liz and my grandmother Rose Leah. It was beyond perfect for us. And it felt right.
Will your daughter be named after anyone special? See above
How are you going to celebrate when your daughter finally comes? Are you having a baby naming ceremony? What would you like it to be like? It is funny you ask this. This upcoming weekend is my nieces' Bat Mitzvah. Lori and I knew that family would be in town this weekend, and originally had been preparing that this weekend would have also served as Lia-Rose's entry into the family. In my mind my stepkids would have been here and we would have done the baby naming this Friday night....oh well. So, the new plan would be that I'd love to do a Baby naming ...at the synagouge where I was Bat Mitzvahed. My uncle is very active there and I know he would make sure it happened. Then I'd love two parties..one down in Philly where my family is and a big old New York party for my friends here! Oh I'm getting excited now! I'd probably rent out the club house of our condo and do a party during the summer months when the kids can go swimming too!

Besides health, what are the biggest hopes you have for your daughter’s future? I want Lia-Rose to believe that anything is possible. That she can be whoever she wants to be. I want her to travel. To spend summers exploring different cities and countries. I want her to have friends from all different backgrounds. I want her to be secure and be proud of who she is. I want her to just be. To always live in the moment and be happy ....

How do you feel about that whole movement where the baby sleeps in the bed with the parents? I am not sure. I know my natural incliniation will be to grab and and cuddle her all nite. But I also realize that that this may not be the best way to build security in a child. Sometimes letting them cry it out on their own will make them less dependent. But, what do I know. My 45 pound doggie sleeps in bed with us everynight and I wouldn't dare kick her out.

Are you going to let your daughter cry for a while in the other room – or pick her up immediately when you hear her weepy? Well, I sort of answered this above. I know it is going to be hard for me not to run to her. I don't want to over-do anything with her. I want her to grow up being secure. She will know that we are there for her. But she will also learn to handle things on her own.Again, what the hell do I know?

What’s the first trip you want to take your daughter on? Australia...to meet her family there!

What three books are important for you to share with your daughter? Great great question..not sure how to answer. There are a few beautiful children's books about adoption that I can't wait to read to her. I also want to share with her some of my favorites as I grew up..Little Women, Are YOu there God it's me....but as an adult, there is a book of prayers that is so special to me. It's call the Illuminata by Marianne Williamson. I open it everyday and pick a prayer to read. There are ones for happiness, depression, sickness, health, even for love and partnership and work. I love this book. Our wedding cermoney came from here. I can't wait to give this book to Lia-Rose when she will be old enough to appreciate it.

What do you want your daughter to call your parents and sister? (Granny? Nana? Grandma? Poppy? Gramps? Grandpa? Auntie?)
Definently Grandmom and Granddad...and Auntie Lori!!! Lori will be an Auntie!!!!

Just a rant.

I am feeling neglected. I can't explain it but either people are afraid to ask, or they just have forgotten, I AM HAVING A BABY. Lia-Rose will be in my arms one day...And I know that it seems crazy because this wait has become so unbearably long, but you know what, I am going to be a mother. I don't mean to point fingers at anyone, because it is no one in particular. It's the big elephant in the room. (or whatever that expression is)

I thank you for caring...but once in awhile, ask me. Don't avoid it. Just ask...What's the latest? Have your heard anything? Have you thought about what you want her room to look like? Please ask. It makes it real for us all. I am going to have this child. I am. So please, don't forget ...just ask.

It's you

"She is this special soul who is going to open windows for you. She is for you in some very special way."

May be too much information for some

If you read my blog you know that sometimes my posts are much more positive the others. I also know that in "real" life, certain times of the month I am feeling less optimistic then others. It truly is my blessing and my curse. The ebbs and flow of my cycle really mess with my mood. This month, yuck. I think stress makes it worse for me. In fact I am sure of that. I also think that as I grow older, it has gotten more intense. I'm watching a show now on PBS about Women and Menopause . It's very interesting and I am finding that so much of my past history of really bad cramps along with emotional despair, is quite normal. It the beauty of being a woman. Although it feels less beautiful and really ugly. I don't like how I am feeling about myself or about things this morning. I am such a generally positive person. I don't feel that way today. But, the good news is..."it's not me" ...it's my freakin' hormones!

Is 14 the new 25?

My step daughter Annie is almost 15 and my niece Hayley is 14 1/2.
Think of yourself when you were that age. Gawky, pimples, frizzy hair, a little ackward and insecure. Now check out these two ..note, I stole these photos from their MYSPACE.

This is Hayley. HELLO!!



Now, this is Annie....in the pink dress, second from left. HELLO!!!






Can you believe these two...unreal.


And by the way, I have my Sydney too..but can't seem to get into her MYSPACE ...hint hint!