Sunday, April 27, 2008

Birthday "hangover" and 18 months!

Wow....what a whirlwind weekend of birthday celebration and just "good times" I have had. I can't thank the wonderful people in my life who made this weekend so special to me. It started Friday night with a gathering of some great friends at a favorite restaurant of mine, Calle Ocho. The Latin inspired menu and ambiance created a huge party atmosphere. The food was great...the company of wonderful friends...some who have known for years, others, in the last few. We had a blast.

Earlier in the day, my new neighbors, who recently moved here from China, surprised me with a beautiful gift.
Direct from Beijing. I have already hung up near Lia-Rose's bedroom. It was so sweet. The mother, who speaks in broken English said to me, "Wendi, you do not have to go to China to get your baby." I looked at her thinking "What?"...she then pointed to her 12 year old daughter (who is about 5'6) and said, "I will give you mine!"


Yesterday, my cousins surprised me with a fantastic lunch at the Plaza Hotel, along with a beautiful bracelet and specially made birthday dessert! Dinner across the street last night at my friends' home....(it's his birthday today) and more great food, wine and cards.


I got flowers and chocolates and a brand new Ipod, and candles, and a great book about motherhood and a toy for Lia-Rose. I got gift certificates and checks. I got earrings. I got homemade artwork from my friend's daughter. It was a wonderful, and perfect birthday, with the love that was given to me...the greatest gift of all.


And today, it's 18 months we are logged in....19 months since are file was sent to China, and two years since the whole process started. I heard Barack Obama say that the campaign is so long that babies who were born when it started are now walking and talking. Same thing here. In fact, we could have gone through two pregnancies!
Anyway...thanks to all who made my day so special.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

My birthday party!









Thursday, April 24, 2008

Another year

When we started this process I had just turned 45 years old. Somewhere in China my dusty file sits. Inside it talks about how this 45 year old woman, who has never had children, cannot wait to bring her little Baby home from China. Somewhere there is a picture of me in China. Maybe my hair is less gray (although truth be told I color it every four weeks), I was certainly a bit heavier, and most definitely a bit younger. Tomorrow, that same woman whose file is in China, turns 47 years old. I truly can't believe it. You know how when you were 32 and 45 seemed so old. Now, it's so young to me. Now 50 is young to me!

So, I won't freak out that so many years have gone by since I started this adoption process. Honestly, the baby making process started long before our file was sent to China. So actually, it's much longer than two years that I've been trying to bring my family together. More like 5 years. But, that is not the point.

I will celebrate tomorrow night with some great friends at a favorite restaurant on the Upper West Side. I can't wait. I hope this is the last year I celebrate without you Lia-Rose. You are the only gift I want.




Thank you my sister for a wonderful post..read this!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The wonders of the Universe

As I get older or perhaps more grounded in who I am, the ability to trust the Universe becomes increasingly easier. The old adage, when one door closes five doors open has never been truer for me. The people who I needed to show up amazed me and appeared. This week I am blown away that in a mere matter of hours, things shifted...as I needed.

Roadblocks lifted, tolerations banished, change happening. It overwhelms me, this wonderful sense of truly watching these wonderful opportunities pan out. This, if you wonder, is not about the adoption. But, the magic of these much needed miracles help me remain more faithful then ever that my daughter will be my daughter… when she supposed to be.

Monday, April 21, 2008

My Annie


It is my step-daughter Annie's 15th birthday today.
I haven't seen in about a year and half...(she lives in Australia!) and I can't wait till this Summer when she is here with us for a few weeks. She is a sensational person. Mature, beautiful and extra special. I am blessed to be her Step-mum!

Happy Birthday my Annie!!!!

I love you.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

When you set out on a journey and have a clear vision of what it is you want, even the bumps in the road are just used to pepper your story. They add the flavor to the meal so to speak. It seems lately that although my goal is so clear, things arise that catch me by surprise. I am proud of myself for really staying the course, but it is all very challenging none the less. Although this may read cryptically, I realized this week, that sometimes people are not who you really thought there were, words on paper are sometimes not what you think they read and that sometimes just relying on yourself and on what your instincts tell you truly are the best course of action.


Anyway, a Happy Passover to all. I celebrated the first night of the holiday with my family in South Jersey. My poor husband was sick to his stomach and although I wanted to stay home with him, he insisted that I go....he was missed. I told Addie that this year would be the last year she was the youngest at the Sedar dinner. Next year Lia will be with us hopefully. This was the third year in a row that she was in my thoughts on Passover. I hope that next year she will be at the table beside me.

My birthday is this week and I am turning another year older. Perhaps another year wiser. Between Passover and my birthday, this season is always very special and memorable to me. It's my step-daughter's birthday tomororw as well as the 5th birthday of when we brought the loveable Molly, my dog, home. Spring brings me promises of happiness and reflection. It always truly feels like rebirth. So, may this be my last Spring without you dear little Lia-Rose. Next Spring you'll be home...oh please oh please ...

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Lost in translation

So as you may or may not know, last week (see April 9th post) an article ran about the Chinese adoption wait times and I was quoted. I googled myself, just because I have nothing better to do, yeah right, and a bunch of new links came up. Apparently the article was picked up by a bunch of news outlets. I told Joe to Google me, and he did, finding a Chinese news website carrying the story. I got really excited. Who knows who could see it! So we decided to translate the article expecting it to read exactly as it did in English. Except…it didn't. Here's how it translated by Google translator=

Also with the same predicament of the 46-year-old Wendi Caplan-Carroll. 儘管Wnedi經歷了兩次婚姻,但她膝下並沒有子女。 Despite Wnedi went through two marriages, but she below knee and without children. 最初,她希望收養手續能在13個月裏完成。 Initially, she hoped that adoption procedures in the 13 months to complete. 但現在,整個流程已經走了整整2年了,還看不見結束的那一天。 But now, the entire process has been taking a full two years, also see the end of the day. "有些人已經放棄了,另外的家庭改為收養衣索比亞兒童了。我們不會滿世界的尋找孩子,我們把所有心思都押在中國的機會上面了。當你想孩子已經想瘋了的時候,再說放下已經很難了。" "Some people have given up, and the adoption of Ethiopia to the family of the children. We would not be complacent about the world looking for their children, we all thought were remanded in China the opportunity to above. When you want to have children to crazy time has been difficult to put aside a repeat. "


 

Now I realize that the translator is not exact, but two marriages! Yikes!!! For the record…I've been married once, and my knees above and below are just fine. You just never know what gets lost in translation!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Sex and the Weekend

How very inappropriate for my adoption blog! Now what were you thinking. I was referring to the fact that I spent a good portion of some "down" time this weekend watching old Sex and the City reruns. I can't tell you how spending that time took me back about 8 years. Back to the days of living on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, living in my 400 square foot fourth floor brownstone walkup on West 81st Street. I loved that little (and I mean little) apartment. To me it was my sanctuary, my castle in the sky. I used to love climbing up the fire escape onto the roof and spy down on all the backyards of the brownstones below. My life then was good, albeit, lonely at times. I dated, I saw my friends, I worked, I drank cosmopolitans (no joke), I dreamed of a steady boyfriend. I shopped, I worked in political campaigns and fell in love with these little babies –my nieces who entered my life during these days.

It definitely was a simpler time. I had literally no food in my apartment. Why cook for one when the Shining Star diner was two blocks away? They knew me by name and had my favorite meal –Chicken on top of a big salad, pickles, decaf and melba toasts on the side (Yep, I guess not everything has changed) ready before I even sat down.

Life was about dreaming. Dreaming of my future. Longing for my partner. I related so much to the girls in Sex and the City. It seemed like their lives were imitating parts of my own. I had my Mr. Big definitely two Bergers and I believe that Joe in a sense, is my Aidan.

When I watched this weekend, it came all back to me. I felt like that thirty-something year old again. I felt the angst. The excitement. The hysteria. I am so happy that my life is where it is today. I wonder; when the movie comes out, will the girls seem settled. Will their dreams come true? I know that Charlotte has a daughter from China. I find that wonderfully ironic.

But the big takeaway I came away with this weekend is this…when I was in my thirties and living in the City , I was WAITING for a man. I felt at times like my life was on hold. I didn't realize how much I had back then. I enjoyed it, but why not more? I was waiting for my life to begin-or better stated-waiting to meet Mr. Right. I spent far too many hours not enjoying what I had then but merely focused on what I didn't have. They truly were the good old days. So as I wait for my baby, and dream for what it will be with her, I need to savor every moment of this..right now and enjoy. For one day, this too shall be the good old days…waiting or not.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Dreams...

As you may know, I love to document any important dreams I have may have. I had one last night. Maybe less of a dream, and more of a "vision". I was drifting to sleep, in fact, I may have been asleep dreaming that I was drifting to sleep. Joe was away last night so I was sleeping in my big bed by myself. As I was falling asleep I felt a presence. There were four men..older Chinese men, wrapped in very ancient robes. (No joke) I remember not feeling scared at all. In fact, very very safe. They said to me..."we are your daughter's ancestors. Her grandfathers and great-grandfathers. We will bring her to you but wanted to make sure you were safe. We wanted to know who you are."....that's it...I don't remember anymore, but woke up feeling much less anxious and strangely confident.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

An article.....and yes that is me.

I am glad that Lia-Rose will see this article one day. I had been interviewed several weeks ago by an AP reporter.

NEW YORK (AP) -- China remains the country of choice for thousands of Americans seeking to adopt a child, but the time frame for new applications is now often triple what it was a few years ago and many families are enduring uncertain, emotionally draining waits.
"I've gone up and down with it - like a roller coaster ride," said Barbara Duarte Esgalhado, a single mother in Manhattan. She has a 7-year-old daughter adopted from China and filed paperwork in January 2006 for a second adoption that has yet to materialize.
"You find yourself rethinking it a lot more - is this still a good idea?" said Duarte Esgalhado, a 50-year-old writer and psychologist.
Her daughter, Uma, was a big fan of getting a sister when the idea surfaced three years ago. Now, she's ambivalent. "A 4-year-old thinks differently about a sibling than an 7-year-old," her mother said.
The longer waits - projected at three or four years for many new applicants - officially are attributed to the large number of foreigners trying to adopt from China coupled with a smaller pool of available children and a slower review process. The China Center of Adoption Affairs, long respected for its ethics and efficiency, avoids specific promises about how long applications might take.
Infant girls by the thousands are abandoned every year in China, and the nation has been America's top source of foreign adopted children since 2000. But the annual total fell to 5,453 last year, down from a peak of 7,906 in 2005, and further declines are expected as part of an overall drop in foreign adoptions.
Texas-based Great Wall China Adoption, one of the largest agencies focusing on China, says its annual caseload is down by half.
"Unfortunately we've had families who have decided to withdraw from the process," said Great Wall spokesman Leigh Ann Graf. "We have some families who are very angry about the wait times - and others looking at the time as a way to get all those things in that they won't be able to do after they become parents."
The uncertainty has fueled rumors and speculation within the tight-knit community of Americans who have adopted from China or hope to do so. Some believe the longer waits are part of a temporary Chinese effort to scale back international adoptions ahead of the Beijing Olympics in August. Others wonder if China may be phasing out foreign adoptions almost entirely.
"Our agency made clear our wait could be three years, four, five - they just don't know," said Mike Suomi, a Manhattan architect. He and his wife, Jenn, have applied to adopt a second child to become a sister to 5-year-old Olivia, whom they adopted from China in November 2003.
"China is becoming an economic powerhouse," Suomi said. "As far as we know, there's an embarrassment factor to having an inability to take care of your own children."
The Suomis are working with Spence-Chapin, a venerable New York-area adoption agency whose caseload for China has dropped sharply due to the delays. Ann Hassan, the agency's China coordinator, said the wait can be much shorter if parents agree to adopt a child with a physical handicap such as a cleft palate or congenital heart disease.
The Suomis, both in their early 40s, are willing to consider such a child, depending on specifics of the impairment. They also considered adopting from elsewhere in the Far East but found South Korea, Vietnam and Taiwan unworkable for varying reasons.
"China always was the top preference," said Jenn Suomi. "There's no funny business, no corruption, no black market."
They're intent on persisting with the China application, and they work hard to help Olivia handle the longer-than-expected wait for the sibling she wants to call Mei Mei - "little sister" in Mandarin.
"Let's say we wait four years - Olivia will be 9," said her father. "We'll be four years older. That's very hard for us. ... We're ready now, and now we have to wait."
Steve and Katherine Curtis, who live in the Long Island town of Babylon, are trying to adopt a second daughter from China to be a sister to Amelia, who was adopted in September 2006 and turned 2 in December.
"We're always thinking of her," said Steve Curtis, an auto company executive. "Absolutely we think it would be helpful for her to have someone to have a shared experience with."
Their new application was registered last October. They have no clear idea how long it will take.
"We're braced for fact it could be three more years," Curtis said. "You do all you can. Then it's up to the powers that be."
Some applicants feel they're in a particularly precarious position. Theresa Fierro, a third-grade teacher from Clifton, N.J., is a single mother who - like Barbara Duarte Esgalhado - got her current application filed in 2006 shortly before China changed its rules to exclude most single parents.
"The wait is causing some fear," said Fierro, 50, who has a 5-year-old daughter adopted from China. "And it's tough to plan. ... Should I work summer school or not? Should I go on vacation or not?"
For Joann Nix, 48, of Mastic Beach, N.Y., the wait adds to frustrations that had been building up over years of futile fertility treatments.
She and her husband registered two years ago to adopt a Chinese child. They now fear the slowdown could hurt their chances of seeking a second adoption later on.
"It gets torturous some times," Nix said. "There are thousands of kids in this world who need good homes. We want just one."
In a similar predicament is Wendi Caplan-Carroll, 46, of Secaucus, N.J. She has no children of her own, though her husband has two from a prior marriage. She initially hoped an adoption from China could be completed in about 13 months. Now the process has been under way for two years, with no sure end in sight.
"I know some people who gave up, others who decided to adopt from Ethiopia," she said.
"We're not shopping around - we have our heart set on China. It's hard to give up when you want something so desperately."

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

I had to post this

There is a little being in my life who sits by my side all the time and looks up to me with only the sweetest looks. She is like a big stuffed animal and like I always say, "I love this dog"!

She loves me...she really really loves me!

This is my Molly, my beautiful "TT"...Tibetan terrier. See the before and after pictures from her recent groom. I know, it doesn't look all that different, but trust me it is.






Sunday, April 06, 2008

A lopsided weekend

Saturday sucked. Sunday was wonderful.
I had the best of plans on Saturday. To meet up with my girls...Ann Marie and Susan, and more importantly the Czar and Monkey Girl. I felt it coming on on Friday night. Saturday morning, I ambitiously got in the car thinking that some coffee from the Bagel Buffet would help, but, god it was terrible. I turned around. A bad headache was coming. I had to cancel, and I am so sorry. I ended up taking two Tylenol pm and slept the day away. Of course, I wake up and feel much better and it's midnight or so. I pretty much stayed up all night.

Anyway, this morning I was good. A little wiped out, but really fine and thank goodness for that. Joe and I spent the day with our friends Rose and John and their precious Hao. Rose and John were in our original travel group and in June of last year decided that one special boy in China was waiting for them. And he sure is special. So delicate and sweet. Rose, if you are reading this I want you to know how much it meant for me to be with your baby boy. It gave me faith again. It gave me hope. I even bought three books from the toddler section of Barnes and Noble tonight. It can happen. It will happen. Thank you for helping me remember.

Also, if you get the chance, watch this video. This is mom...and ...ahem..Senator Kennedy, who honored my mother for her support of him! I am so proud, and I know my mother gets embarrassed when I mention her...but how cute is she? I am so happy that we have this on video.

Friday, April 04, 2008

It’s a boy!!!!

Mazel tov my little mommy Stephanie!!! He is so delicious and cute I can't stand him!!!! I love you and I know your are going to be the greatest and most beautiful mommy!!! Now go get him!

Thursday, April 03, 2008

The pregnant man

It's true. I saw him. I saw a man who was pregnant. A man with as he says, "a small penis" is pregnant. His body bloated with baby and man body hair. Of course you know that this man was once a woman. He knew he wanted children one day and he kept his reproductive organs. He was a beautiful man. And, as weird as it was to watch. I was happy for him. His dream was coming true. His wife and her children were thrilled and excited. Something he said spoke out to me. He said, and I am paraphrasing, "I have the human right to give birth, to have a child." It made me cry. Cry tears of frustration and anger and despair. I have this right. YOU too have this right. This process feels so hard because it feels like this right is being just taken a way from me. My body denied me. I knew my road was adoption. I have the right to mother just as a man, who formally was a woman, has the right to have a child. Why are our rights being denied?

My friend Elizabeth comments in the post below that maybe its time to take her rose colored glasses off. Things are moving very very slowly. Even word of a new waiting child's list has been silenced. NOTHING is happening. Our friends, Paul and Denise, may miss the cut-off by one day. They have waited over two years.

As much attraction and optimism and belief as I throw out there to the world, Nothing is happening. I always put on the smile. I always am the one who says it's o'k. But you know what. It just isn't anymore. It's not o'k. It's not o'k that there are thousands of babies who need moms and dads, and we wait and are scrutinized and we are just denied. I am truly at a place tonight where this doesn't feel like it's going to happen. I will always be the great Auntie to all the babies and children in my life, and I am grateful for that. But, I am sorry, I want more. I need more.

My friends. I do not know anymore. It doesn't make sense, and it really hurts. *I add I am very PMS, so pardon this rant, but it actually feels good to get it off my chest. I am tired. I am tired. I am tired. I just want to exhale and believe again. But, I am worn out from believing. So tomorrow when I stand in line to get my expired fingerprints taken, I don't know how I'll feel. I am not a quitter. Never have been. But ....I don't know what to think anymore. I shout out to the UNIVERSE...I, TOO, LIKE THE PREGNANT MAN, HAVE THE RIGHT TO HAVE A CHILD. I WILL NOT BE DENIED. HELP ME BELIEVE AGAIN, PLEASE.

PS I am not looking for sympathy. I am not a victim. I have so many friends who are in the same place as me right now. I am just very sad.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Seriously….oy vey

"Oy vey". First off all, isn't "oy vey" just the greatest two words. I mean, it's so easy to make your point when you simply say, "oy vey". When you hear it…you know that it must be …well it must be.."oy vey!"…So, "oy vey", I am seriously tired. Tired of this whole thing. Tired of this process. Tired of trying to be patient and pleasant. This sucks big time. The lastest rumors have the China adoption community up in arms. The fact that they might be matching a huge batch..well huge according to no one batch of 5 days. That is a serious, "OY VEY". "OY VEY" "OY F'ing VEY"

And by the way : In 2001, California State Assembly
Speaker, Robert Hertzberg (D-Van Nuys), compiled a 31 page Yiddish dictionary for his colleagues and of the word "oy vey" he defined it as "an untranslatable expression used for a variety of negative feelings.[4]"…from Wikepedia.

Sorry for this seriously weird blog post. I am just really tired. I worked a long day and have a few more long ones ahead of me…all good. But, "oy vey".

A few random other thoughts-

Joe and I have to go for fingerprinting updates on Friday at Immigration-Oy vey!

My sister and bro-in-law are heading to Disney World on Friday- no Oy Vey, but yeah!

I am seeing "my friend Susan" and Ann Marie and their darling babies on Saturday-no Oy Vey, but yeah!

I am seeing my friend Rose and her beautiful son Hao on Sunday-no Oy Vey, but Yeah!

Anonnie met her daughter!!!!-Seriously fabulous no Oy Vey!


 

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

April Fool!

So I called my mom and sister and told them I got a referral! Totally mean. I know. Lori reminded me the last time I did that and made her heart jump was when I April Fooled her that Joe and were going to get married….we in fact got engaged 4 months later…so, let's hope my April Fool's come true this time too!

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Aunt Wendi and Addie take Manhattan

Addie wanted to go to the American Girl store so much. Addie and mommy were scheduled to come in on Friday and the plan was we were all going to go into the city and have a playdate at the store. Poor Lori has a broken toe which won't heal because Lori won't stay off of it...so walking around the city would be not in her plans. We couldn't disappoint Addie...it was all she was looking forward to during Spring break...so, Aunt Wendi went down, brought her up ...and tothe American Girl Store we went. What a day...four and half hours there...we took a lunch break..but we had to wait for her doll Rebecca to visit the Hair Salon. Two hours and $10 later, the doll's hair was brushed out, nice and straight ...five minutes and one NYC breeze later it was back to looking the same...but who cares..Addie had fun!!! We came home and pulled out the hairkit we bought her as well as the new outfit...we had a ball and suddenly although she wouldn't talk to Joe for the first half hour..she decided to do his hair too. See picture below. Too cute....I loved hanging with her...so much fun....she let me "play" her mommy and I loved every minute of it. Lori, Gregg and Syd just came up to retrieve her..but thanks for letting me borrow Addie...she is the bestest!!! xoox

PS Anonnie is back and met her daughter!!!!

Friday, March 28, 2008

I am so lame

Lori and I had a discussion about how lame our blogs are. Well, mine. Her's is still cooler than mine, according to her daughter Sydney, because it is not about adoption. Note, we believe that Sydney may think that all blogs are about is adoption because that is how she was introduced to the world of blogging.

My blog is totally lame lately. I have nothing really to say except how miserable I am about this wait.(Or happy birthday to my husband) I am tired of hearing myself complain. So, I don't really write much. I don't feel inspired to. I feel freakin' beaten up and just wounded. I am not a victim and I'm tired of playing one in cyber space. I am just a pissed off woman. And by the way, I don't' like to be that character either. I am a positive, powerful woman. By the way, that is a quote from my Coach, not from me personally…the powerful part. I am generally positive…and hate hate hate hate, did I say hate how this wait is draining me and causing me angst. Isn't this the part of motherhood supposed to be fun? To be filled with food cravings and shopping? To be filled with excitement and baby showers? By the way, I wouldn't be having a baby shower as a Jew, but that's another issue. Bottom-line…I'm tired of not being happy. I am tired of just working and burying my head into projects and paying my bills. I am tired of not having fun and living life right now. I am really not …I'm just going thru motions until I get some news about my baby. So, I announce to the world…right now… Enough being caught up in sorrow and frustration.

I am going to live in the moment. I am living life like this baby is really coming, and more importantly like I HAVE THE LIFE THAT I HAVE. Enough being lame. Thanks Lor. Now update your much better according to Sydney blog!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

I am patient

17 months logged in.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Happy Birthday to my Husband Joe


 

To you my husband, I wish you health and happiness. I love you and thank you for just letting me be me.

You are the best. I love you forever.


 

Love, W

Monday, March 24, 2008

Another email message to me

"Impatience is a sign of hurrying; hurrying is a sign of worrying; worrying is a sign of fear; and fear is a sign, Wendi, that someone has temporarily forgotten that it's never too late to change their thoughts and therefore their "things." And for these reasons, time will forever be on their side.

Glad we could straighten that out -
    The Universe"

But geez….how patient do I need to be? How much more patient can I be….? Am I being punished for something that I did long ago? Am I being punished for something I didn't do? Am I an awful person? A person that doesn't deserve what I really desire? Will I just be an awful mother so this is why I am being kept away? I know all of this is horrible to think. But, I do think it sometimes. I do question why some families are blessed with 4 or 5 children. Why I have none. I don't begrudge, but when? Why isn't it me? Will it ever be my turn? My insides hurt. My head hurts. My heart is breaking. When I started this process….I was 2 younger then I am today. I am getting older and older. COME ON.

I wish I could be strong all the time. I can't be. I ache to love this child. I ache to hold my daughter in my arms. This heart has a hole in it the size of you my child.

I will be patient. I have been patient. But god damn it…I want my child already! Universe, I love you and respect you …but, it's just really hard sometimes. WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN?

Sunday, March 23, 2008

To my “shish” and the other “Sheeshes”…and by “Sheeshes”, I mean YOU!


 


 

Happy Easter!.....


 

HAPPY SHEESTER!

Friday, March 21, 2008

Back…and sleepy

I am tired. I think a week on the road….a weekend before that of work has just all caught up.

So, I say one thing…or maybe two…I am tired…I want my baby.

Enough said. I'll be back tomorrow for a less sleepy posting.


 

Hope you have been well.

Anonnie…how is it going?

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

On the road again

On a biz trip again....not much to say ....be back on Friday!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Friday, March 14, 2008

A little feeling of magic.

Today was one of those days where everything seemed to flow. It was magical in a sense for me. I got a few new projects, clients were happy, work was extremely productive, I got my nails done, had a great dinner with an ex-client/now friend, was happy to hear my sister had had a great couple days....and my second China family friend got a referral! I mean I've seen a few Russian mamas get theirs...an Ethiopian mommy or two (hypothetically)...but believe it or not, only one of my China friends. I won't give information until it's all official official, but it's a Waiting Child, and she is just great ...and Mama is happy!!! Her older sister-a bit jealous...but it's all great. I thank her Mommy for making a special effort and calling me. It was so sweet.

Then today..I was walking down Fifth Ave on my way from a great appointment onto another...I look up...walking right across from me was a Caucasian women pushing a stroller with her beautiful Chinese daughter. In front of her was her husband with another Chinese child. Along with grandma and two older brothers. I stopped her (I know what you are thinking Lori and Sydney), but the truth is, I haven't had the heart lately to say anything when I see these wonderful blended families. Anyway, back to the tale...I stepped up beside her and whispered. "I'm a Waiting Family!" She said, "oh my god, when is your LID?" I answered. She said .."mine too!"...turned out of course, she is home two months with her beautiful baby Mackenzie. Cleft Lip (repaired)...beautiful. Precious. Wonderful.
I started to cry ..(I know what you are thinking Sydney) and she hugged me ...a stranger... but it did feel a little like magic though!


PS: I haven't been that great on my diet...need to get back on track! I put it out there go keep me accountable. Love that.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Stream of consciousness

Lori did one of these posts where she just typed what she was thinking...it helped her sort out her emotions during a stressful day. I figured, I can do the same. I am so tired. I am working so hard. I have finish up a few huge projects by Tuesday. Then on the road again. I am tired. I love it though. But I have alot of work to do. I know all this work is laying the groundwork for my life when this baby comes. But, it's tough...in a very good way. But, I'm tired. Joe and I both got little bugs after the Bat Mitzvah...my cold is coming back...I had fever the other day. I am tired. Opps, I said that. Elliott Spitzer is an asshole. How the heck could someone so stupid be so reckless. I feel so badly for his children. Long ago I was friends with the soon to be new Governor of NY's wife. I knew him too. He knew me. He would probably not remember me if we met today. He will be great. I really like him. The Bat Mitzvah was amazing. I saw s many old friends and family. I stood up on the Beema (totally spelled wrong) next to Hayley as she read her Torah. I was so proud. I was so proud of Sydney as she also nailed her reading. She was so cute and relaxed after she finished. I thought she was going to just hang out next to the rabbi all day. I was so proud. I couldn't stop crying. Why wasn't Lia-Rose there? The night before was the baby naming...it was meant to be it was that day. It was the first day of a new Jewish Month (Adar). Addie was born 7 years ago on the first day of Adar. It was meant to be. It was never meant to be Lia-Rose's naming. My sister is a fantastic mother. I envy her and am so proud. I hope she is not mad at me for making that flip remark about Camp Snuggly. I am so sorry shish. I really love her best friend Heidi. I wish I had a Heidi. I saw my sister's friend Terry and her daughter Victoria at the Bat M. Terry adopted Victoria from Vietnam years ago. They were meant to be together. It's so obvious. I cried when I saw them. It gave me hope. A reporter interviewed me today on a story about waiting families and the emotions involved in this long wait. Hello, do you think I had something to say. I am tired. I have more work to do. I will stop it's almost 11pm. I love the new season of American Idol. Just started watching it. I am so excited.My step daughter and best friend are coming to be with us for two weeks in July! Yeah!!!! O'k, I have to go. I have no idea what I just wrote. But, am glad I did. Oh yes, Anonnie...great luck. I am dieing to hear more! xxoxoox

Hayley and Sydney's Montage

Lori created this special video for the Bat Mitzvah.....I cry everytime I watch it!

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Unreal

My sister is amazing. My brother in law is so incredible. My "Girls" are out of this world. This weekend was so beautiful. It was my nieces Hayley and Syd's Bat Mitzvah. They were so beautiful, elegant, and terrific. They read their Torah and Haftorah portions like pros. I am so proud of them and honored to be their Aunt Wendi.
The party my sister and brother in law threw was unbelievable. Everything was perfect. It was filled with love, and love and love. I had one of the greatest days of my life. I am so tired now and will write more about it, but I had to let my sister know how much I love her. How much I love my nieces and my brother in law. I am the luckiest girl alive to have you as my family. And, Addison, oh my god,I adore you.

Here's one picture (more coming I am sure) ...this is cousin Foster with Sydney and Hayley...my gorgeous nieces. I love you so much.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

A sense

I know that I've been hormonally charged lately. But, I also know that in some sort of way, when I am at my emotionally "craziest" and by crazy I mean when I am "feeling" everything, I am also the most deeply in touch with myself and with the world around me. I am not sure that makes sense, although it really does to me I hadn't mentioned this before but last week I was sleeping,. In the middle of the night I awoke with a sharp pain right below my shoulder and above my heart. (Don't worry mommy, I am fine) It took my breath away, and for a moment I thought I had some sort of heart attack. But then suddenly my eyes flew wide open. I thought Lia-Rose. I am "feeling" my daughter. She needs me right now. Somehow this pain I was feeling was connected to her. It didn't hurt anymore in a physical way. I just know I was feeling my child. Perhaps at that moment she was in pain. Perhaps she was crying. Perhaps she was thinking of me. I know this will sound crazy to some. I don't care. I haven't felt that pain again. I am totally fine. Nothing is wrong with me. I truly believe that pain was a "wake up call". My baby is alive right now. I am sure of it. They say a mother always knows. My mom knows when I am in pain, she does. She has s sixth sense about it. It's amazing. Even though we aren't officially together now, Lia-Rose and I are already connected. I can feel her. I can. It keeps me going. It keeps me focused. It keeps my hope alive. My baby and I will be together.

PS How great is this...my new neighbors are Chinese...and they have a 12 year old daughter...I love the thought of having a young person right downstairs...a built in baby sitter that can help me communicate with my daughter. God, I sure prepare a head don't I?


 

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

This was an email I received today, no joke!

This just in... Wendi, no matter how happy you have ever been, even at your happiest, it won't come close to how happy you will one day be.

The plot thickens.

Trust me, I'm there now...
    The Universe

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

I am loving Anonnie

If you have been reading my blog the last few weeks, you have read all about Anonnie. (See comments) I am not even sure that Anonnie is a real person..she is an angel...and seems to always say just what I need to hear...If you read my hormonally charged post below, you read that I've felt somewhat neglected. I know it sounds childish and selfish, but one of the best parts of being an expectant parent is the journey leading up to the birth of the baby. Unfortunetly, for those of us on the Adoption rollercoaster, it seems those rules don't apply. And I'm not talking about participating in cyber showers or secret pal clubs. I'm talking about the general world outside of US. Those that seem to have taken the fact that we too are expecting, for granted. I don't care if it takes 9 months or 9 years. This pregnancy and my child will mean just as much as the one that takes place biologically. Anyway, I digress. Anonnie asked me a bunch of those questions I've been aching to answer...thank you my friend. And not that anyone but me really cares, I'll answer them. Feel free to answer these wonderful questions on your blog too. Remember, you are having a baby!!!!
How did you pick the name Lia-Rose? : I was in the bath one day. Originally L-R's name was going to be Sophie Rose. But one day I was in the bath, my eyes closed and it came to me. As clear as day...Lia-Rose.Lia-Rose would be the perfect way to remember my sister in law Liz and my grandmother Rose Leah. It was beyond perfect for us. And it felt right.
Will your daughter be named after anyone special? See above
How are you going to celebrate when your daughter finally comes? Are you having a baby naming ceremony? What would you like it to be like? It is funny you ask this. This upcoming weekend is my nieces' Bat Mitzvah. Lori and I knew that family would be in town this weekend, and originally had been preparing that this weekend would have also served as Lia-Rose's entry into the family. In my mind my stepkids would have been here and we would have done the baby naming this Friday night....oh well. So, the new plan would be that I'd love to do a Baby naming ...at the synagouge where I was Bat Mitzvahed. My uncle is very active there and I know he would make sure it happened. Then I'd love two parties..one down in Philly where my family is and a big old New York party for my friends here! Oh I'm getting excited now! I'd probably rent out the club house of our condo and do a party during the summer months when the kids can go swimming too!

Besides health, what are the biggest hopes you have for your daughter’s future? I want Lia-Rose to believe that anything is possible. That she can be whoever she wants to be. I want her to travel. To spend summers exploring different cities and countries. I want her to have friends from all different backgrounds. I want her to be secure and be proud of who she is. I want her to just be. To always live in the moment and be happy ....

How do you feel about that whole movement where the baby sleeps in the bed with the parents? I am not sure. I know my natural incliniation will be to grab and and cuddle her all nite. But I also realize that that this may not be the best way to build security in a child. Sometimes letting them cry it out on their own will make them less dependent. But, what do I know. My 45 pound doggie sleeps in bed with us everynight and I wouldn't dare kick her out.

Are you going to let your daughter cry for a while in the other room – or pick her up immediately when you hear her weepy? Well, I sort of answered this above. I know it is going to be hard for me not to run to her. I don't want to over-do anything with her. I want her to grow up being secure. She will know that we are there for her. But she will also learn to handle things on her own.Again, what the hell do I know?

What’s the first trip you want to take your daughter on?
Australia...to meet her family there!

What three books are important for you to share with your daughter? Great great question..not sure how to answer. There are a few beautiful children's books about adoption that I can't wait to read to her. I also want to share with her some of my favorites as I grew up..Little Women, Are YOu there God it's me....but as an adult, there is a book of prayers that is so special to me. It's call the Illuminata by Marianne Williamson. I open it everyday and pick a prayer to read. There are ones for happiness, depression, sickness, health, even for love and partnership and work. I love this book. Our wedding cermoney came from here. I can't wait to give this book to Lia-Rose when she will be old enough to appreciate it.

What do you want your daughter to call your parents and sister? (Granny? Nana? Grandma? Poppy? Gramps? Grandpa? Auntie?)
Definently Grandmom and Granddad...and Auntie Lori!!! Lori will be an Auntie!!!!

Monday, March 03, 2008

Just a rant.

I am feeling neglected. I can't explain it but either people are afraid to ask, or they just have forgotten, I AM HAVING A BABY. Lia-Rose will be in my arms one day...And I know that it seems crazy because this wait has become so unbearably long, but you know what, I am going to be a mother. I don't mean to point fingers at anyone, because it is no one in particular. It's the big elephant in the room. (or whatever that expression is)

I thank you for caring...but once in awhile, ask me. Don't avoid it. Just ask...What's the latest? Have your heard anything? Have you thought about what you want her room to look like? Please ask. It makes it real for us all. I am going to have this child. I am. So please, don't forget ...just ask.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

It's you

"She is this special soul who is going to open windows for you. She is for you in some very special way."

May be too much information for some

If you read my blog you know that sometimes my posts are much more positive the others. I also know that in "real" life, certain times of the month I am feeling less optimistic then others. It truly is my blessing and my curse. The ebbs and flow of my cycle really mess with my mood. This month, yuck. I think stress makes it worse for me. In fact I am sure of that. I also think that as I grow older, it has gotten more intense. I'm watching a show now on PBS about Women and Menopause . It's very interesting and I am finding that so much of my past history of really bad cramps along with emotional despair, is quite normal. It the beauty of being a woman. Although it feels less beautiful and really ugly. I don't like how I am feeling about myself or about things this morning. I am such a generally positive person. I don't feel that way today. But, the good news is..."it's not me" ...it's my freakin' hormones!

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Is 14 the new 25?

My step daughter Annie is almost 15 and my niece Hayley is 14 1/2.
Think of yourself when you were that age. Gawky, pimples, frizzy hair, a little ackward and insecure. Now check out these two ..note, I stole these photos from their MYSPACE.

This is Hayley. HELLO!!



Now, this is Annie....in the pink dress, second from left. HELLO!!!






Can you believe these two...unreal.


And by the way, I have my Sydney too..but can't seem to get into her MYSPACE ...hint hint!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

2006

So, guess what. It looks like we are finally matching babies, not we, they, CCAA-China, for families LID in 2006. That's right, it's almost the third month of 2008 and we are finally getting in to 2006. Rumor has it, it's about four days into the new year of 2006. I guess it's progress.

Enough said, I'd rather stare at my niece Addie.

American Girl Addie



My mom and I gave Addie an American Girl for her birthday. Lori took this shot of her when she was opening it. I was on the phone with her at that moment.
A perfect ad for them, right?

I love this picture so much....now u know why I'm in love with that stinky little girl.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Happy Sweet 16

In the beginning the LID anniversary's seemed to keep me going...while doing my daily to do list this morning I just realized, today is 2/27...it's another month down in the wait! I will remain positive, I am positive...but holy cow..we have been waiting officially, 16 freakin' months! (PS that doesn't count that 24 months exactly we started the process, but it doesn't matter does it?)
Anyway, I am a super sweet 16 today! (D and A xoxo)

In other news....hmmm, I AM BUSY. Keeping myself occupied with work and with projects. I love it this way, and it does help time pass by.

Next Monday I am hosting a teleconference with my Support Group about the Waiting Child's program. I don't have a ton of responses from my fellow agency members, so my blog friends, if you are interested in learning more...please please email me at dashish@aol.com. I will send you the call in number. It's going to be great, and if you are looking for more information on the program, I think it will be helpful. Please come...and then we can "meet" each other...or at least hear each other's voices.

And one final note, a personal "shout out" to my dear little friend K-Jo. I love you sweetie, and the fact that you are so involved with this process, this blog, the whole adoption community...you are as obsessed as I am , and it goes to show you that the day we escaped tragedy together, was a day that an unbroken bond was created. You are truly another "shish". You are by far, the sister Lori and I were supposed to have. You are our "Addie". I love you.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Get the Cosmos Ready!

Can't wait...for many reasons!



Greetings from my sick bed. I have a big bad cold and it has knocked me down. When I was away last week, I was staying at house with two year old twins with a cold and a six year old with a fever. Hmm, wonder how I got sick! First time this winter and I feel truly terrible. So, I'll take advantage of it and just lie here. I have read the Sunday Times already, watched a ton of television and even caught up with some ABC programs that are web streamed right on my laptop.

I had another dream at sometime during all this. All I remember was that it was just the beginning of the year (duh, I guess it is still that now) but I remember it felt like it was right around the holidays. I was running into a bunch of former co-workers that I worked with like 15 years ago. Anyway, there were hugging me and saying. Oh Wendi, you will get your baby in 2008. This is it. This year you will get your baby. I woke up feeling that that had really happened. Aside from a very stuffed up head, that was a great way to wake up.

Anyway, and most importantly, I wasn't able to post yesterday as I just couldn't concentrate, but yesterday-Feb 23, is my beautiful, sweet, adorable, silly, smelly (kidding) niece Addison's birthday!!!! Happy Birthday Addie!!! It's funny, I realized something. When Hayley and Sydney were born, I was still a young-ish thirty something year old, who really was just living the life of that single career gal living in Manhattan. I was not thinking of getting married and children.Hell, at that point I just wanted to meet a decent boyfriend. I enjoyed the two older girls, not wanting to be anything but the greatest and coolest Aunt in the world. I was their buddy, their friend. When Addie was born, I was a little older. I soon met Joe and married. My relationship with her was a bit different. I wanted to "mother her". I was in a much different headset. My feelings toward her were framed with a different mindset. I wanted to be a mommy right then and there. Addie was and is the closest thing to having a little one. I enjoy her so much, and I love how she is always thinking of Lia-Rose. We had told her originally that Lia would be with us when turns seven. Well, unfortunately that isn't the case...maybe closer to eight ....but, the love this child shows for her little cousin already, is just so sweet. Happy birthday Addison Michaela.
I adore you and want to eat you up...piece by piece. You are my sweetie!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

the anguish of the working mom

I am on the Acella from Providence to NYC. I have been away since Monday on an exciting business trip that has left me both exhausted and exhilarated. Tomorrow I wake up to another full day of meetings, a huge business to do list, and a zillion things to catch up on. I have my lap top. Cell phone and crack I mean blackberry attached to my hip. As I like to say, I am moving and grooving. I love this. Always have. I thrive like this. Always have. I can work 24-7, and I am sorry to say, I love it. I always have. So will that make me a terrible mommy? I will be a full-time working mom. That is the way it is, of choice and, that is the way it is. I will not be able to do play dates with L-R everyday,or be with her when she wakes from her naps. I am sorry my baby. But, you better believe she will be well looked after and given all the love in the world. Selfishly I work because I love it, but I also work to help provide the most wonderful life I can for her. Every time I pick up the phone and pitch business, meet with a client and coach them or stand up in a room filled with people and train and develop them, it is all for you baby girl. Far off in China there is a little baby who in my heart I believe is alive and waiting for us. I am doing this all for our family. I work hard to make a great life for u. So does your daddy! I want you to be proud of us. Tonight I called my sister's to tell her how exciting my week was. She was not home but my wonderful niece Sydney was. I gave her an edited version for a twelve almost thirteen year of what I had been doing. I said you would have been proud of me Syd! She said, I am always proud of you Aunt Wendi! Now that felt great! Thank you Syd!
Two other things. On the comments on my last two post Anon left a comment that was probably taken the wrong way by me and my blogger buds (esp KJo)...this dear person felt awful! Please do not! I thought u were someone (and so did Lori) and just by fact that we thought this person might have said that...pissed us off! LOL. Thank you for your deep concern. Xoxo
Now on a very serious note, my deepest sympathies to my blogger and LID BFF "D" and her family. - an so sorry for your loss. I love you and we have not even met!
(Forgive typos, I am on my blackberry)

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Tired but good

Hi all. Nothing at all adoption related....I'm on a big business trip and it has taken my mind off of the freaking WAIT. Although with the wonderful meals I've been eating, I am thinking of my WEIGHT. Will buckle down on Nutri System over the next few weeks to get in tip top shape for the big Bat Mitzvah.

The trip is doing well. I made some big transitions in my career and I'm actually doing things that a few years ago I only really dreamed about. I know that sounds dramatic..but it's true. I'm very excited.

Anyway, I wish I had more to say, but just wanted to check in. I still haven't gotten my blog fixed, but I will this weekend.

And did you hear a rumor that a certain political candidate is having an affair...? Interesting....more to come!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Help

I am freaking out. I've lost my archived posts. I need some direction. I have a customized blog so the template is different then the generic blogs. The blog designer who did my blog is out of business, so I can't bother her. Any suggestions. I am really upset. Help!

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Let’s pick up the mood here…F…U!


Yuck, in reading back over the past few posts, I have been so sad and frustrated. Granted, I sort of still am, I just need to write something a little lighter and happier. I have said it before…this wait stinks and I can't stand to feel stinky because of it!

No real adoption related anything. I did speak to my agency this week about a few things, and in sense, what we talked about gave me a renewed sense of hope. I encourage you, to be frank with your agencies and ask for the truth. Ask for just conversation. We are not c confrontational people. We are adults who are investing a lot of heart into this process. We are also your client "Mr. or Ms. Agency", so as someone who has spent a lifetime dealing with clients, treat them nicely. My friend MaryBeth received an inadequate response to an email she had sent. Bravo sister! Great response back to them. It's unacceptable. Remember friends, we are all on the same team here-our agencies and our families-we all want to bring home babies. If it's unacceptable for you treat someone that way, it's certainly unacceptable to be treated that way. (How the hell did I get off on this tangent? It is amazing when you don't know exactly what you are going to blog about, how the blog words come out and in places you really didn't know they would go.)

I taped an old Oprah episode that ran a few weeks back. She had a discussion about the SECRET and the Law of Attraction. I have written about this before. I truly believe. It's a tough concept, but how powerful to know that thoughts can help shape our reality. One Life Coach was on, Martha Beck. I totally will be paraphrasing what she says here, but she talks about wanting something out of desperation and wanting something from a place of peace. A place, where you are happy where you are, but would be much more complete with what you want. I liked that, and it made sense to me. Once again, she said it much more brilliantly then I. I am just trying not to feel and to appear desperate. There is nothing I can do but be powerful over this wait.

My sister said, it really is truly like trying to get knocked up (ok, not that my sister with three nieces - I mean three daughters-who got pregnant pretty quickly would really know, but she is a smart smart gal that Lori Jill). As the month starts up again, we get excited and feel optimistic as we attempt to "conceive" Each month that passes without any knowing deadlines is like getting our periods. We still aren't pregnant…except we are. On paper.

So, in putting this all together in one clear thought for myself..because like I said, I have no idea where this blog post is going, I am going to start looking at baby clothes again (well toddler), start imaging how the bedroom would look, maybe buy a gift of two for Lia-Rose. I was collecting books and stuffed animals. We have all just stopped doing this stuff because of how much it hurts. I am tired of letting that hurt hold me back from keeping positive. I am so sorry to say this but…F U hurt! F U negativity! Just F U!!! (Try that..it feels really good!) I'm going shopping! (And if you were wondering, the image at the top is the Chinese character FU. )

Thursday, February 14, 2008

L is for


...LOVE!
It's Valentine's Day and I am feeling the love.
First and foremost, Happy 21st Birthday to my step-son Adam! We are sorry we aren't there to celebrate but wish only the best.
Love to all my friends. I feel so happy to have created such great relationships with so many of you. Love you all and thank you for making me feel so loved.

Love to my husband, parents, sister and family.

xoox

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Patience

I know that is what most people tell me during this wait. But I have to tell you, I've heard it, I've heard it, I've heard it. And guess what, I don't have it anymore. It's gone. Zip. Outta of here! It's a different situation having patience around a situation where there is a clear idea of when your patience will pay off. In this case, that doesn't exist. No one knows. I'm tired of talking about it. I'm sure you are tired of hearing about it. So no more. My patience has worn thin my friends.

As many of you know, I am a trained executive coach. As a coach, I work with clients examining their professional and of course overlapping personal lives if that is something my client chooses to share. The core of my work is examining the following-Where are you, where do you want to be? What are your strengths? How can we use your strengths to help you get you to that place where you want to be?
What are the obstacles standing in your way? What can we do to remove those obstacles
?

Here's my frustration. When I apply this to my own life, and this situation I am in with this adoption wait, I clearly understand where I am ...and of course where I want to be. I know my strengths, I know how applying my strengths can certainly help me. It's the damn obstacles. In this case, they are out of my control. That is where my frustration lies. I can't do a damn thing to change this current situation. I have come to the realization that I must make some sort of change in thinking. Perhaps the circumstance is not exactly how I thought it would be.

I know I'm speaking in weird circles here. I however, understand myself. I know my husband does as well.

I am no going to paint false hopes for anyone anymore. I think the time has come for me to face the truth. And now, with that obstacle out of the way. I will do what I have to do. Don't get me wrong, I will most definetly be a mother.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Folks, this is not easy. I gotta tell you, I feel a bit beat up, angry and just shot. The more the weeks pass, the further I feel I am getting from my child. I try to fight, to remain positive, to believe. Somedays it is hard. It remains just a fantasy, not anything that can poaaibly happen. I do not wnat to give up. I do not want to stop believing. I really don't. I write this today to simply get it off my chest. Please do not leave comments and tell me everything will be ok. I know it will, this is just simply how I feel this morning. And this too shall pass.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

The Year of the Rat

Happy Chinese New Year!

This was reprinted from AOL.

February 7 not only ushers in the Chinese New Year -- which ends January 25, 2009 -- but the commencement of a fresh 12-year cycle. Therefore, the Year of the Rat is associated with fresh starts, new opportunities and hard work. Starting a job, getting married or moving to a different neighborhood are all favored -- especially if you were born in the year of the Ox, Dragon or Monkey. If you were born in the year of the Rat, prepare for a double dose of good fortune throughout the Chinese New Year! No matter what year you were born, you will make progress with new ventures. But be patient, as they will take time to grow to fruition.

Don't expect to make a financial killing in the next 12 months, though. As far as the Year of the Rat is concerned, it's best to take a conservative approach with investments. Long-term ventures will prove more profitable than fly-by-night opportunities. The real estate market will continue to slow down, with states in the northern half of the United States faring slightly better than those in the southern sector.

Sex scandals are often associated with Rat years, so don't be surprised if some shocking news knocks a promising political candidate out of the United States presidential race. Interestingly, women are highly favored to take political office in the Year of the Rat. The politicians that will fare best in this year will be the ones who are sharp, cunning and know how to navigate their way out of tight corners. One thing is certain: whoever ultimately takes office in the Year of the Rat will generate plenty of controversy.

This Chinese New Year presents a marvelous opportunity to strengthen family ties. Instead of going out to expensive restaurants and fancy parties, you may prefer to fix home-cooked meals with your nearest and dearest. Cozy, casual gatherings are preferable to glittery, glitzy ones in the Year of the Rat. This animal prefers substance over style.

As far as health is concerned, most people will see an overall improvement. Any illnesses that occur could be related to environmental problems. Clean soil, air and water will become increasingly urgent issues throughout the Year of the Rat.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Dear Hillary

I am truly sorry. I have been your biggest fan and supporter for years and years. You are brilliant, a hardworker,and tough. I admire your persistance, your courage, your determination. I was all set to vote for you. I have publically supported you for sometime. I have sent you money. But in the end, as I stepped up to that voting booth, I changed my mind. I voted for your opponent. I voted for Barack Obama. I fast forwarded to the general election. I saw how the Republicans would attach you. How the get out the vote would be "it's time to get out the Clintons". I don't want to hear about the past. The scandals, the stories filled with lies. It's enough. I didn't want to hear a debate about character. I want to hear a debate about issues. A debate about changing the course of this country. With a Clinton, I'm so sorry to say, that isn't always possible. I don't want it be that way, but that is quite frankly just the way it is. I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I didn't follow through with my pledge to you. I just had enough.

Now, Mr. Obama, I pray you don't disappoint me. I have now pledged my support to you. Show me substance. Show me guts. Your speeches of hope are inspiring... but I do know that hope really comes from within. I want to know that you can get things done. Surround yourself with smart people. Surround yourself with people who are action makers. Please don't disappoint. Don't take my vote lightly.

So, in the end, I traded experience and action, for what I hope will be a more substantial campaign. A campaign that truly may help bring this country..black, white, asian, hispanic, jewish, christian, muslim ...together. I am taking a bit of a leap of faith here....but, I suppose all change requires risk. I hope I am not wrong.

Now, no matter what, make sure to vote today....your choice is your voice.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Clinton vs Obama



So, not to get all political on you, but this primary has me just torn apart. This election for many reasons is so important to me. It's the first time I'll vote for a president who will lead this country when my daughter comes to live here. This is the President who will lead the way for our next generations and make history. This world is way beyond myself now, it's about creating a world for my daughter. A world that is peaceful, that is prosperous. A world that doesn't set limits. A world that is equal in opportunity for women and men, for Blacks, Asians, Hispanics and Whites. This election will elect the President who can essentially put this country back on track. This election is for my daughter.

So, I am lost. I am confused. I am hesitant to say that this once absolutely sure vote for one of them, is questioning which way to go.

For those who know me, you know that I am a Democrat through and through. My parents brought me up in a very politically active and very aware household. We worked every election growing up. Parties were always "politcal" parties. As a young adult I worked in campaigns and dedicated my time to campaigning. Perhaps in the past few years, not as much. But, I still care. I still have a deep interest and I am still concerned.

So where does this vote go. To the person who I believe is far more qualified. Who is for sure a doer. The person that I am sure will see that action is taken. Or the someone that hasn't proven themselves to me yet, but there is so much hope and excitement around. Who is charismatic and charming. Do I listen to the pundits and polls who say that one candidate will stand to beat the GOP's better then the other? Where do I place this vote? This is about making the world a safer place for this child who is coming into my life....a better place for my step-children, my nieces and little cousins. This is about our future.

I never ever thought that I would see a woman or a black in the White House. It is overwhelming to me that this is what my choice has come down to. A white woman and a black man. I fill up with tears, truly when I think about this. This is so very exciting and we are living in truly historical times.

So, on Super Tuesday, I will vote. I will vote for Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. I vote for my Lia-Rose now. My vote, is for her future.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Happy Birthday Lor....


I love how you get what I am thinking
I love how we laugh at the same things that certain people do
I love that we have a shared sense of history
I love that you let me mother your children and be a part of their life
I love that you always make me laugh, and that besides Heidi, I'm really the only one that thinks you are so funny
I love that I still am unsure if you and Dan really didn't make out once
I love that you are blogging and obsessed with the same nonsense that I am
I love that you love Kristen Jo like I do and that you two would have been in the same sorority
I love that we enjoy breaking our diets together
I love that Daddy drives you crazy at times
I love that you are such a great mother and have taught me so much
I love that you can hold pots ---or used to be able to--in places that shouldn't be holding anything
I love that you support me in anything smart or stupid I have ever done
I love that you watched my dog (dead) Amber and even though she peed on your rug, and Freddy pees there too now, it's o'k
I love that my cat Louise is buried under a tree at YOUR own house
I love that you dated someone from the Howard Stern Show and we all went on the date with you
I love that growing up you were the only person I wanted to sleep in bed with
I love that I used to wake up every five minutes to make sure you were o'k
I love that we love Broadway and both were bored with RENT
I love that we were probably once gay lovers in a past life who said we would come back at sisters
I love that no one else but you and perhaps one or two others may understand a word that I am writing
I love that I have so much to write about
I love that we can't wait to see the Sex and the City Movie
I love that we loved Hairspray
I love that we sometimes make fun of your children behind their backs
I love that you are so creative and giving
I love that this Bat Mitzvah is going to be amazing
I love that you love your family so much
I love you more then you know.
I love that it is your Birthday....

Happy Birthday to the best sister ever!Everyone it's my sister's birthday!!!! Happy Birthday Lori-Feb 1!
I love you and thank you for everything!

A deep loss inside of me

She was blossoming. Her stomach full with baby. She looked at me. I wanted to touch her stomach so badly. I wanted to feel what it felt like. To have a baby inside of me. To feel something growing. To feel a kick...a hiccup...to feel what it felt like to be "with child."

It has never really bothered me that I wouldn't biologically carry a child. I am 47 years old..almost...and my making baby that way days are very far behind me. I accepted that reality many years ago. I always knew deep down inside of me that I'd never be pregnant. I am infertile. Whether it is old eggs, old age, fibroids, wasting my fertile years with men who were not for me or whatever...I was not able to concieve. It is what it is.

Last night I dreamt that I said to someone, "I don't want to be pregnant. I never wanted to conceive. I want to mother. But not that way."

This morning as I worked out besides a very pregnant thirty something year old it really hit me. I will never know what that will feel like. There is another woman who is carrying or has carried my baby inside of her. I will never know what that feels like. This morning, for the first time in a very long time. I felt a deep loss inside of me.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

BTDT...do tell

So, how do u do it? All of you working moms. How do you do it?
I have set myself up to be able to do so much more flexibly. I'm building my work life so that I can be more accessible to my baby girl....that I can take her to daycare, or at least be in my home office when my nanny is here. It's going to be tough. Working, making money and raising a child. A child who may or may not have special issues. A child who will need her mother's attention. Thank god, I have a partner, my husband who will help lessen the load...but my question is this- When the blackberry is buzzing, when a conference call is looming, when a report is due, when a ton of emails need to be answered....you can't tell the baby to be quiet, so what do you do.

It will be a challenge, but I have seen so many do it before me. But, any advice, would be appreciated...I have some time for this, so I might as well get prepared.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

15 and past due

We have been officially LID (log in date) for 15 months. Yes, 15 months. For those who are following my journey and aren't very familar with what this means, I'll explan by saying that the countdown for our daughter began the day we were logged in.

We were told when are dossier was stamped with the date 10/27/06 that referrals were being matched from that point, 13-14 months. So we are at 15. We are officially past due from what they told us. This is not a surprise, as you well know. Currently the matches are at about 25 months...and growing...that is the simple explanation.

I lay in bed this morning thinking of the adoption community. The wait is different for all. There are many kinds of families out there....those who suffered with infertility and are childless; those who perhaps had one (or two) child and were unable to bear their second (or third); there are families that are full of children, but long to bring another in by adoption; single parents, who are so strong to me, they know a partner is wonderful, but it is child they long for and will do so with or without another. Some of us are older. (I have a friend who is my age who is almost a grandmom-a young one-but a grandmom none the less.) Some a bit younger.

We all share pain. We all seek miracles. We all wait for our children.
I ache for a little voice calling out for me "mommy, mommy, I love you."

I will be so joyful when my friends become mothers. I won't lie, I envy you all. I want this. I don't feel desperate. I want this in a way that makes me stronger. Like the kind of strong that says "don't get in my way...I know I'm meant to mother."

So, on this 15th "lidversary" I shout out to the world..."watch out...this momma will be and nothing is going to stop me!"

Friday, January 25, 2008

Another dream...

Again, another dream. Sorry, this might not be interesting to some..but this blog is for Lia-Rose and one day, I need you to know that I had another dream about you. This
time it was about your referral. There was a file, with pictures. I just received another new photo of you. You were about 3 years old. (As opposed to the other dream recently when u were about 8). You were very cute. Had a bob. I was showing the file to my family. Everyone was excited, but was cautious. We were on a boat trying to get to you. I was solid and sure. And over the top excited.
You never know where your dreams will lead you....

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Various

Just one of the posts that have no purpose but to fulfill my obligation to myself to update this blog as often as possible. Some of these points are very off-topic.

-I do have to say that the friendships that are created in this blog-world are really incredible and necessary to help us function and muddle through this international adoption craziness
-Do you want an great way to unwind and relax at night? Once I pull myself from coaching, project stuff and other various tasks that I do that I call work, it may be 8 or 9 at night. I've learned for me to completely unwind, I have to disconnect myself from this computer. I've have found the secret for me...the secret to help me sleep better because I'm not tossing or turning about this adoption...or work...or other things...it's the CD Compliation of LOST. I'm totally addicted. I am not watching the current season, but am up to Season Two, disc three. I'm in love with bad boy Sawyer. This couch potato type behavior is recommended if you really need to not think about reality.
-I have decided that I will be supporting Hillary Clinton. No other comments on this one
-I hope Rudy Guiliani loses big in Florida. As much as some might not like HIllary, times that by 100 and that's how much I can not stand Rudy. He needs to come back to NY and repair his relationship with his children. Please stop talking about 9/11 everytime someone asks you a question. Enough said.
-I bought a beautiful dress for the nieces wedding..I mean Bat Mitzvah. Oy, it's kinda of like a wedding. I bought the dress at Lord and Taylor. We came home and found it online at Dillards.com for half the price...on sale! It just arrived today and I'm returning my L+T dress...I've just saved $85.00. It's the same damn dress.
-I better get to work.
-I have no updates on adoption...we are in a holding pattern...although I did dream last nite that my agency director said to me "it's coming this afternoon".

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Welcome to this world

It's so funny...I am always talking about babies being "born" through adoption. But guess what? It happens the other way too. One of my dear friends, who is a regular blog reader had her beautiful baby girl this weekend...ladies and gentlemen, welcome Vera Ann! So beautiful...and I can't wait to meet you!!!! Mazel Tov Alysa and Rick!!!

Monday, January 21, 2008

I really saw her face

Whether or not you believe in analyzing dreams or that whether what we see in our dreams are true, I saw Lia-Rose last night. For the first time, I really saw her and "felt" her. I didn't have a good nite's sleep last night. A few things on my mind left me a bit aggaitated, and I tossed and turned. I finally fell off to sleep and then she came. She was my daughter. She was handed to me and I said to her "Hi, I'm your mom and I'm going to take care of you the rest of your life." She was not a baby. More like a four year old. She had long straight black hair and she had bangs.She wore a turtleneck sweater and jeans. She also wore glasses and she was absolutely the cutest daughter any woman could ask for. She let me hold her. We both looked at each other and I remember I was scared, and said to myself, "ok, what happens next."

In all this time, I have never really dreamt about her like this. Last night, I really saw her face....it reassured me. It calmed me. I felt fulfilled. I saw my daughter.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Please pray for my friend

One of my most special friends who I met through this blogging world had a very awful awful thing happen with her adoption. I am not going to go into details, for that is not my place, but it is a tragedy that is beyond explanation. There are no reasons sometimes except to believe that this was what is supposed to be. I pray for the son who you loved, although not physically together, I know in your heart he was all yours. He will be at peace always because he had this tremendous love from you and your husband. That is why he was given to you both in this way.

I pray for you Stephanie and Jason. I wish you peace and relief from this sadness. We will laugh and be joyful again. You will be family. And from your entire blogging family, I know how much we love and wish you only peace during this time.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Another baby has found her way to her mommy!

Mazel Tov to Jocelyn and Pacey!!!! Jocelyn had quite the adventure in her process....she never lost hope and her Pacey is all hers today!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

My baby just got her baby

I was watching a private "gotcha video" of a friend of mine who adopted a beautiful little girl off the Waiting Child list. In the video you see her entire family and the happiness that this little girl brought them. It was overwhelming. I mean I have seen dozens of videos, but something about this one, really got me. The baby's grandparents were there and a the end of the video, the handsome grandfather said to the camera "My baby just got her baby." I started sobbing. And I got goosebumps. It was such a natural and beautiful sentiment.

My baby just got her baby. The family grows, and grandparents are watching their families blossom, all by the process of adoption. These little beings don't just come into our lives. They become sisters and nieces and cousins and granddaughters. I always think of what it means to Joe and I. But Lia-Rose is more then just our daughter. She will be Annie's baby sister, Adam's youngest sister, Lori's sister's daughter...her niece. Greg's baby niece, Hayley, Sydney and Addison's cousin, Aunt Dorothy and Uncle Mike's God-Granddaughter and Grandma Joyce and Granddad Aaron's fourth granddaughter. Lia-Rose has this big place in this family. A chair is yet to be filled, a crib yet to slept in. There is a big piece of every one's heart that is missing. Only Lia-Rose can fill it. Lia, one day my parents will say it too..."my baby is having a baby.".....you are OUR baby.

Monday, January 14, 2008

The most kissable

Ponim. Yes, a ponim. A face. In Yiddish that is. And yesterday I got my chance to kiss one kissable ponim...that of Alana Nika. I can't even tell you how quickly Susan and this adorable person have bonded. She's got eyes that can melt you and and a little body you just want to wrap up in your arms. The expressions are priceless. It is such a miracle to have this little new New Yorker formally from Russia in our midst. It brings you hope on a day when your agency tells you want they have no idea how long this wait is going to be. It gives you faith that in life you just never know what will happen. And those cheeks...you just want to kiss them for hours. Hope, faith, life's adventures and kissing a two year old to be who six weeks ago was in an orphanage...you know never know, you just never know.

Saturday, January 12, 2008




I was passed on this wonderful distinction of "Blogging with a Purpose" from my dear Daniella. Thank you for pointing out the fact that you and ....well you and I..we do get each other and we share our words that so many might not understand...but thankfully you do, as do others. Blogging with a Purpose....I started this blog as a document to my daughter, my Lia-Rose, so she would know how much she was loved from day one...before she was real, before she was in our arms. She is loved. This journey has taken many turns. There is a positive day. A day when it feels like this is for real. That this will really happen. The next day...your down in the dumps. You belive you won't even come up for air. It's the hardest journey I have ever been on. Trying to stay positive when everything is pointing against you. Trying to smile. Trying to laugh. Trying to just say ...it is o'k, because it will be. When do u give up? When do you frown instead of smile. When do u say, I throw it all in. It's over. I can't do that. I just can't. Am I crazy? Am I being pollyanna-ish? Am I just stupid? To those out there who are on this journey with me....you understand. To those of you who support me through this...thank you. I couldn't do this without you. I have one thing to say to the world...I still believe in miracles. I believe that one day this wish will come true. I have my purpose. Thank you my Daniella for reminding me.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Update my shish

That's what my sister wrote in the comment section of the post below. So, I'll update. I have nothing to say. Truly nothing. I'm busy, Joe is home, Joe came home very sick and we have been nursing him back to his old self, I'm not feeling great myself, I am watching intensely the Primary Elections. I have nothing to say. Truly nothing. I feel so far away from my baby. I'm angry, I'm frustrated and I'm just numb to it all. I have nothing to say. (And by the way, if you wonder, Shish means Sister to my sister and me....that quite possibly is the most interesting information in this post.) I have nothing to say.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

A letter

Dear China,

I know you are a very busy country with lots of going on. This letter from one lady in New Jersey, USA is probably not on anyone's top priority list, but if someone out there could read this and get back to me, I'd really appreciate it

My husband and I sent our dossier to the CCAA back in September of 2006. We have a log in date of October 27, 2006. We are very excited and anxious to adopt one of your beautiful children who has been left behind. We are grateful to you for allowing us this opportunity. The opportunity for me to be a mother, something I have only dreamed about. The opportunity to create a family and offer a child of the world so much love and security. When we sent you our file, we promised we would love this child as much as we would love a biological child. This has never wavered. Our entire extended family welcomes this child as well. Don't you worry, she will be taken care of. We have even picked a name for her. Lia-Rose. She is alive and living in our hearts right now. She is so real to us.

Dear China, can you please help me out here. What's going on? New referrals just were announced and we didn't get much further. In fact, we are still matching dossiers from late December of 2005. Dear China, that's a long long way from my log in. I am committed to this adoption more than anything in the world. I am changing my life to be more available for this baby and to be there for her whenever she needs me. Dear China, can you tell us anything? Can you tell us that things will improve? Dear China, there are thousands of families who wait as well. Some have families already, others, like me, only dream of this. Dear China, I promise I'll be the best mommy I can be. Dear China, can you help me start my family sooner? Can you?

Best regards,


 

Wendi C-C




Addendum: I did get one response, well, not from China..but from my sister...please read... Thank you Terrie for allowing us to share this. www.colicwaseasier.blogspot.com